DD was 5 months ago. Found cards WW had stashed away. She swears it was only an EA. Cards are over 6 yr period.
Before I knew what a NC letter was I told her she had to call him and tell him that for us to work out our marrige that she could not talk to him any more and that he was not to contact her. I was not present when this call took place.
Through my dilagent snooping I am pretty sure that there has not been any contact. We started going to MC 2 weeks after DD. Nothing was mentioned about a NC letter. We switched counselors 5 weeks ago and he suggested that my wife should send a NC letter. She is reluctant to do so stateing that this would be contact and that she does not want to have any contact with him (He lives 100 miles away)
And that since there has not been any contact since she called him 5 months ago it is not necassary! What do you guys out there think? I would like to have her send it along with returning all the cards she rec'd from him.Or should we just move on with out sending the NC letter

I would ask her to send one. It is not only to keep contact from happening, but also to reassure the BS. It should say that their relationship was a mistake, she loves you and is working on the marriage, and she never wants contact again for any reason

You switched to a counselor who is pro-marriage and he suggests a NC letter? Do I have that right? I'm not clear about whether this is the new counselor or the old one.

Assuming it's the new counselor, what logical reason is there for NOT following his suggestion? Your wife's reaction is typical--read a sampling of the threads out here and you'll see virtually ALL WS's hesitate to send a NC letter. BTW, she should complete it with you, IAW MB boilerplate examples.

Her saying it would be "contact" is a spurious argument, it leads me to believe there’s some other reason she doesn’t want it sent, but if you want to defuse the argument, perhaps you could arrange for it to be sent through a third party…an attorney or pastor…something like that. Maybe? Comments on that from the pros out here please?

Oh! Before I forget, you MUST be part of the process. You need to be there to see it written, signed, and (mailed or whatever). You can’t afford to accept her word she’s initiated NC, either 5 months ago or now. Frankly, she’s been lying to you for a long time. I think it’s a little early to assume she’s turned over a new leaf.

I'm not sure I agree with you on this one Believer...which is pretty unusual.

If you're SURE that there has been no contact for the last five months, I don't think I would want to reset that NC clock by having her send an NC letter. If it's in place, don't change it. Especially if she's complying with it without issues. If you 'force' her to have contact again, it could reset her withdrawl for OM as well.

Personally, I say ensure that you've got monitoring tools in place to ensure that she is maintaining NC...and if OM is married and you've had contact with OMW, then ensure that OMW is monitoring too.

Now, if contact resumes in ANY WAY...then of course that changes this.

I'm a little on the fence here. You have two comments that suggest you do both.



"Pretty" sure has caused a lot of people here some serious problems. I was pretty sure that my W was not having an A. It makes me wonder if the new counselor is hearing something that would suggest she has seen him of that she might relapse. If that's the case... yes.



Distance does not always stop a WS, but if you feel comfortable enough that the distance has put the flame out then sending the NC letter may stir up the waters within both of them and start things back up. If this was the case then sending the letter could have a potential negative side-affect.

I would talk to the counselor and ask what the reason is behind the NC letter if NC has been in effect during this time. Your W may also be wondering if it will cause her to start thinking of him again and that could set you backwards.

Tough call J but your last sentence about where you indicate "I would like to have her send it along with returning all the cards she rec'd from him" is an indication to me that you want this to happen. If so, you can hide behind the counselors direction. She is either committed to the counselors plan or you are wasting your money. My opinion is that a 6 year emotional affair where they got to end it on her terms is not a very safe place for you the BS to trust her. I am certain you fear and think it is likely that she told him things had to end between them and she was going to work on the marriage...however...if and when things change she will be in contact with him. I, personally, as a BS myself would want an agreed to NC letter (enclosing the letters) sent to OM so he has an indication that your WW/FWW is no longer on the fence with him in the back of her mind.

I would not make this NC letter a deal killer. Though you've been in recovery for 5 months if your wife is not yet fully committed to the relationship you can give this time. But achieving this letter may be a recovery hurdle as your WW/FWW may finally express to OM that she is committed to a lifetime with you and he should not wait to move on or hold his breath that she may call.

On the other hand, your WW/FWW is right in that it is contact. There are risks. Maybe this will stir up additional contact between the two of them...just when he AND/OR she is ready to move on. Maybe he'll want to confirm that the letter is in fact "her words". So they will again seek secretive communication. You WW/FWW will have the anxiety of what OM is thinking, feeling, and doing.

For these reasons I think you pursue it but you must get POJA, if not, don't let it destroy your recovery.

BTW, you should consider just destroying the cards (with your wife's approval) and not mailing them back to OM. Unfortunately, you can't change the fact they were sent and you can not undo the feelings expressed. You may place your wife in the position of saying "no" to the NC letter because you insist on sending back the letters as a "screww you" thing to OM. Don't make your wife feel the need to protect OM (common WS guilt). Hopefully, they retain no sentimental value to your wife any longer and they can or should be simply discarded.

(an idea - as part of POJA on the letter compromise on your upfront demand/request to send the OM's cards and letters along with the NC letter ... a sort of bargaining chip as you may)

Can you explain what is POJA

Policy Of Joint Agreement

Find it here

Great Topic...I have had similiar questions as to a NC letter breaking NC and stirring up trouble.

I think the counselor believes it would be benificial to me since I was not present when my wife supposebly called OM and I have questions how this conversation took place (what exactly was said)
Concerning the 100 mile distance She only saw him in person 3/4 times over the 6 year period (So I was told)can't confirm this. But they talked at least once a week on the phone. I don't see where any calls have been made to or from him on here cell phone but she could be still talking to him using her work phone. I have no way of checking that.