OK, you old timers know and remember me....but after countless attempts and false recovery from FWW, I have deciced last week to visit a lawyer and go ahead with my life. It's been 23 months since the 1st time she left the home and about 18 months from her admitting the A and "our" 1st false recovery. After I told her of my plans last Friday, she has stayeed 1 night with her girl friend and now is asking me to not give up on her and to forgive again and work on the marriage. I'm just so scared and untrusting...my heart says "I love her" but my head says to move on...how in the world did this turn full circle to me making the decision on should we or not stay a couple? Thanks.

what is she doing to win your trust back?

WelderBoy, nothing to add, but I'm listening too. I'm saddled with a wife much like yours. My mediation is tomorrow, will probably have the final document finished and ready for the judge. STBX, now wants to reconcile after 3 false recoveries.

I think I know the advice you'll get.

Chin Up.

No one can tell you if you should move ahead or not friend...that's up to you to determine.

Let me ask you this. Have you clearly defined and documented what she would have to do for you to consider reconciling with her? Given her this criteria, and told her that you'd be enforcing it moving forward?

And I'm referring to things like NC, counseling, complete accountability, etc...

If you have done this and then she has repeatedly reneged on following through with this, I'd be VERY cautious about giving another chance. And I would TELL her this, and make sure she understands WHY you feelt he way you do.

If you DO decide to reconcile, make it VERY clear to her that it's on HER to make this work now...not you. She needs to rebuild and prove her trustworthiness...not you. SHE has to work on rebuilding the marriage this time...she needs to lead that effort...not you.

If she's not willing/capable of doing so, there's your answer.

Just my thoughts.

So far just promising....and we was to begin MC for the 1st time this Sat.,she has been going to IC but doesn't share much with me and this MC was scheduled by he IC.

Did I read this correctly? Her IC recommended a MC? Hmmm...

My FWW's IC (after they had a few sessions) told me that if our marriage was still in trouble then she would have recommended a MC. Not all IC's are the same, but this is something to consider.

Two years afterward and marital counseling is just now coming into the picture? Weld, it doesn't look like she's committing very strongly. Her words sound nice, but the old saw about "talk is cheap," would seem to apply. Like Owl, I would be hesitant to give her still another chance. Maybe go to the counseling session on Saturday and lay it out the way Owl suggested that it is she who needs to start working hard on reconciling with you?

I'd go ahead and file. It's nothing that can't be pulled back if she somehow turns herself around and starts working on the marriage. Slapping those official looking documents in her disbelieving hand is something concrete. It should be a bucket of ice water thrown in the face. She has to understand she can no longer continue to ignore the consequences of her adultery.

Hi, WB.

If you 'take her back', exactly what is it that you think you will be getting?

You may find that it helps to define, in absolutes, what it is you want, and what she is offering. My guess is that if you do that, you will find that moving on with your life will be a more appealing offer.

All the best,
Gimble

Yep, how many chances do most partners get? She said that me going to the lawyers was her wake-up....but where the heck has she been the last 2 years? Thanks folks.

Welder- can you honestly look yourself in the mirror and leave the marriage WITHOUT going to counseling together? If you can, move on.

If you can't, like I could not (with my FSerial Cheatin'H), stop a moment and give yourself a few weeks. I knew that if I didnt get the counseling I would always wonder if Id really done everything I could and look back with regret. I also knew that if I didnt go with the counseling and my FWH showed up with his charm, Id fall right back into the trap-- I still loved him.

A few weeks won't kill you, but I sure as heck would bet it would make you feel better.

I agree with Mojo, I did the same thing. It took 9 months for my STBX to agree get into counseling, and then she quit counseling after 4 meetings with Jennifer and contacted OM.

The question...what would I get? Is truly a great question. I do look her, but despise and hate allot of her past actions. I take responsibility for the mistakes I have made in the marriage prior to her A, but it's hard to remember the person I once knew. I'll lay my feelings out to her without a promise of total recovery and go at least to the MC this weekend. Later. I guess a month or 2 more ain't that big a deal.

There ya go.

Welderboy,

I guess I would continue to file and also go to MC with her. Actually you asked
Of course you can forgive her, and you should in time, but that does NOT mean you remain married to her. You can have hope that she changes, but it doesn't mean spit if she doesn't SHOW you changes. You can pray that she will see the light, but you are not God so you cannot make her see the light. In short, you should do what is IN YOUR best interests and until something changes (and nothing has) you don't change direction.




You have plenty of reason to be scared and untrusting because nothing has been done by her to alleviate your fears or restore trust. Until she does, you SHOULD feel this way and continue to move on. She has time to address issues and start to show you her changes even in Tx. where the time for divorce is roughly 2 months. Let her does this IF she will. IF she wants you to do something before she will do something, then in my mind this rodeo is over. I am very promarriage, but I am not prostupidity nor proabuse. It is your call but I would submit to you that you have absolutely NO data with which to change your direction.


Nope, YOU are not in a position to decide if you stay as a couple, she is. If she doesn't change it won't and doesn't matter what you want, think, do , or say. IT is her call NOW, and the ball is in her court. Nothing has changed.

Move on but be willing to talk and even go to MC with her if that suits you. You need actions and data, and you have neither.

God Bless,

JL

JL, I'm going to use that answer for me. Or Welderboy and I can share it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

TJ,

I just left similar advice on your post, so if it seems to fit your goals, please do use the advice. As you know "your milage may vary." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

JL