And he is very very angry at me. I'm afraid he is never going to get over being angry.

When I first started the conversation, he sort of half-way laughed and said nothing happened. He let me finish what I had to say and he responded by saying that I am just fishing for something and nothing has happened.

I brought up the poem he sent her (and I intentionally said "I saw the poem you sent her because in reality i just saw it on his computer and i wanted to know if he HAD actually mailed it to her yet, which was confirmed) and he said "so?" and suggested it was in reference to their relationship 7 years ago.

Well, now he is irate and ignoring me 100% - looking right through me. Actually he also just slammed out of the house, no idea where he is going.

I don't know what I'm feeling right now but part of me is wishing I hadn't said anything and part of me is worrying that I'm making too big a deal out of this and that if I end up losing him it's gonna be because I confronted him and part of me is thinking what if nothing HAS happened recently I don't have solid proof, just this horrible poem and the hours he spends with her, the nights he's spent over there, the constant texts and emails and phone calls ...

I guess I'm panicking a little. Trying not to though.

Why is HE not scared of losing YOU ???

Answer carefully

Probably because I said I was committed to working on the marriage and he doesn't think he WILL lose me; probably also because I haven't been the best wife but I've made alot of changes and I do think he loves me.

I've been very very dependent on him for most of our marriage and he knows that too.

I didn't give the impression during this confrontation that I was irate and about to leave - I was very very calm so I doubt he is even considering that he could lose me. Maybe he really doesn't care. Maybe she is more important to him than I am.

Soul,

Maybe you should have waited longer, it doesn't matter now. His adultury is his own choice, never take the blame for that.



No it won't be because you confronted him. He will blame you for everything, don't accept that blame. He is to blame for his actions. Regardless of whatever happens he is in charge of his own actions, you are not to blame for his adultury.

If the poem was nothing, I would have expected a much less defensive posture from your H. One of remorse. I would have expected him to reassure you and eliminate contact with the OW. Which relationship is the most important?

Make yourself strong now.

Soul,

I am unsure of the way you and your husband normally interact (pre affair), but don't you think its a big red flag that he got so upset? Shouldn't he be concerned for your feelings if nothing is really going on?

When my wife wasn't having an affair and I once displayed concern about a male friend of hers, she was caring and loving and explained to me that there was nothing going on. And she was telling the truth.

When my wife WAS having an affair and I confronted her about the OM, she turned into the monster that you also just witnessed.

You have caught him, and his response is anger. The wayward spouse (WS) will flip things around and try to make you seem like the bad guy. Don't give into this. Don't be an [censored] to him either, just be confident in what you know to be the truth about his affair.

By the way, you haven't seen anything yet. Wait until you expose, then you'll really see him go off the deep end.

Do not, under any circumstances, threaten him with exposure. You just do it. Dont let him know it's coming. He'll see it as a threat, he'll feel cornered and he'll turn into a rabid wolverine.

Stop worrying about how he'll feel or treat you. You have already lost him if he is in an affair. To win your marriage back you must kill the affair, and that means he'll take some damage along the way.

Also, no matter what you do, stick to plan A the whole time. Despite exposing and confronting him, be the plan A personality.

Good luck.

Do you think you can communicate what your actual boundaries are .... so that your H understands that you will not forever remain in a trianulated marriage?

Tom - yes I was surprised at HOW angry he got. I think I know when something actually first happened between them this time because prior to that date when I expressed concern over his relationship with her, he made alot of attempts to be extremely reassuring and he took my fears in stride and without getting irate at me. I am afraid that he may decide his relationship with her IS more important than me, because he has known her for FOREVER.

sundog - I do think it's a bit of a red flag but then again I am not sure; when I found out he had met his internet-fling last year and confronted him, he was immediately remorseful and caring toward me. Maybe he is just sick of dealing with me.

Pepper - I think I need to do that somehow but I am not sure how. He is completely ignoring me at this point and I am 99.9% sure he won't even be back till who knows when. I think anything I say additional at this point will just infuriate him further.

now he just texted me telling me to f*** off

i dont know what to do with myself

He knows that you'll stand by the marriage, but you haven't set up any boundaries. Is that right?

sort of. i told him i didnt want him to see her and that it hurt me deeply every time he did, etc. but i didnt say anything like "if you keep seeing her ill leave"

"Sort of" DOESN'T work. BSs ride roughshod and they don't understand anything other than a line drawn in concrete, not sand. Your H has suffered NO consequences for his past actions and he's secure in the knowledge that he can have it all: bits of skirt on the side, and you waiting at home. This must stop now.

Sit him down and conduct an interview with him. No tears! Bite the inside of your cheek if you have to. Ask him what makes him think this relationship with the OW is appropriate; what makes him think he can have a relationship like this while he is still married. Tell him that it hurts you profoundly. Ask him to stop seeing her. Don't threaten to leave (and you shouldn't HAVE to leave! you haven't done anything wrong). Take it from there.

***and that if I end up losing him it's gonna be because I confronted him***

Soul, think about this. Do you really want a man who will only stay with you if you allow him to date other women?

Don't let his anger scare you. He is being nasty and bullying for two reasons:

1) He's hoping you'll chicken out and back down and go on being his wife even though he's dating other women; and
2) Because he's just been cold busted as being a liar and a cheat and he doesn't like facing the truth of that. It's a lot easier for him to take it out on you than to deal with it himself.

Don't take any blame and DO NOT let him scare you.
Mulan

i have asked him to stop seeing her and he says it's not an option. at one point (this was before i got on these boards) i asked him what he would do if it came down to seeing her or keeping his marriage and he said he didn't know andthat he hadn't had to face that decision yet.

right now im scared he isn't going to come back at all. he hasn't actually left the grounds yet he's out there walking around the parking lot.

i dont think he's interested in talkign about ANYTHING with me at this point and i dont know if he ever will be again. but if he is ill ask him those questions.

the scary thing is that up until recently i just wanted him no matter what. now recently i have been getting my life together and found alot of new strength but i have NOT been a strong, together person for so long before that, I dont have much to rely on. so i am very very scared right now but im trying SO HARD to remind myself that i will make it and that this kind of treatment isn't right and that it has to stop.

but right now all iw ant is for him to come back through that door. trying to steer my thinking away from stuff like that.

((((Soul)))
Wow, that took courage to confront him. I am sure the anticipation of doing it was awful, too.

I imagine that the majority of our WS denied it the first time. I confronted mine about 10 minutes after I accidentally found the first email account. He denied it.

About 3 hours later he came clean.

Don't give up hope.

Remember how much you have worked on you. I am certain he has to have seen that. It may not have made it thru the fog, but it will.

Blessings

moveforward -

thank you for your words. you have given me alot of encouragement already and i am so grateful.

he has come back in now. either his cousin or the internet-girl asked him to go to a movie, but he declined and said he wasn't in the mood.

i told him i loved him, dunno if that was bad or not, and he just said "whatever".

i am having a very hard time not collapsing and telling him im sorry. i just feel like i made a horrible mistake.

im not sure what to do to get through the next few days.

soul, what was the mistake? Surely you can't imagine that confronting your H about an affair is a "mistake?"

i feel like i should have waited a little longer. i know i am just reacting to the fear this gives me, but i do wish i had waited at least until the internet-girl had left town.

which is pointless, because i cant turn back the clock anyway. stupid what-ifs.

soul, how would it have made it any better when she left town? Shouldn't you do what it takes to save your marriage?