Ok, you confronted him with it. He just chose to stay home with you! I think that is awesome.

This is crazy. So he has two people in town with whom he has or had an affair with. And he is seeing these people and doing things with them such as 'going out to the movies'? He also doesn't come home sometimes until the morning, correct?

Where among all of this information are you finding that your are 'not sure' of what is going on?

This is terribly wrong. Please try to snap yourself out of disbelief and realize that something needs to be done.

huh? he has another girlfriend and she is in town?????

Did you miss that, Mel?

I am speechless.

I think #2 is only there for a short time, the cousin has decided to live there.

I'm so sorry that your H has put you into such a horrible situation.

Now... let's look at this thing rationally.

Your H already cheated on you with his cousin 7 years ago. Your H is having an inappropriate relationship with her again. With the excuse that he's trying to help her with her suicide attempt, he's pulling his cousin into an adulterous, incestuous relationship. I mean, what position is this putting this emotionally vulnerable woman in? She has the choice of living with the shameful knowledge that she is sleeping with a married man who is a blood relation or she can try to come clean and have a future with him. Let's see.. well the family accept it? Can you see her as the chaplain's wife, when she is his cousin and an affair partner? What world is your H living in, if he is defending this behavior?

And how can he justify the complete disregard for your feelings of spending all this time with her and deserting you and spending the night with her--leaving you all alone with no car and no husband? If his relationship is so innocent, then why is he treating you this way? And the poem... how over the line is that?

Where is he doing his chaplain's training? They might like to know that this person that they will cut lose, who will be counseling vulnerable people, who need a sensible, trusted advisor, is someone, who is the worst kind of hypocrite. It's one thing to be a cheat on your wife and even another to carry on an incestuous relationship. But it takes it to all new levels to do it while professing to be a chaplain. Do you think that the people who will trust him have a right to know what kind of person he is?

And on top of all this, he has another woman--his internet girlfriend--in the mix.

You have NOTHING to feel sorry about. He is the one who is twisted and wrong in this.

You might point out to him that you're not the only one who sees what's going on and tell him the comment his grandmother made at Christmas. People are on to him and his secret is going to get out, whether or not you have anything to do with it. What you do have some control over is your own self respect and your own ethics. Do you really want to enable a guy like this?

Soul, there can only be TWO people in a marriage. Please listen to yourself: was agreeing to your H having extramarital affairs part of your marriage vows? If it was, I want to know what church you go to, and if it wasn't, then what has changed? You're willing to drop your standards, set aside what you believe, and suffer this heartbreak... for what? Anyone who does this, and replies to an ILY with "Whatever" isn't much of a prize at the moment, and what you are describing to me isn't healthy at all. It's time for you to LOVE YOURSELF more than you love him. Show yourself the respect he won't show you. Get rid of fear, it'll only hold you back, and set those impregnable boundaries.

It's pure speculation here, Soul, but I think one of the reason's he says he'd never leave you is because the woman he loves is related to him. There is no way it would be accepted if they came into the open. So instead he'll keep you tucked there in the corner as his puppet wife, while he continues his relationship with his cousing behind closed doors.

This is a situation where exposure could really pack a serious punch. If you exposed to family and the church, this affair would go down in flames.

soul, you should expose your H. The reason he believes he is entitled to a harem is because there have never been any consequences for his actions.

Nor is an adulterer in active pursuit of other women an appropriate candidate for chaplaincy. I imagine his superiors would have a thing or two to say about his fitness.

You aren't doing him any favors by helping him hide his secret, soul. It only enables him to rationalize his abhorrent behavior, and there is nothing "loving" about that.

Help him be a GOOD MAN, soul, not a BAD MAN. Be a loving, supportive wife who will not settle for her H at his very worst. Expose his affairs, soul.

Soul, have you given more thought to calling the relative where the cousin is living? What about his parents?

written by Pepperband:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

the only reason he is still here right now is because he cant find his keys. i happen to know where he left them but i dont know if i should tell him or not. i dont want him to leave.

he is being so cold and heartless and im sorry but i am panicking and i have NO ONE here and being alone terrifies me.

i am a little afraid of what he would do right now if i did completely expose him.

its hard to be objective in the middle of all of this but i KNOW he isn't treating me right and that i dont deserve this. exposing and doing all the parts of plan a esp. the stick parts feels sooo wrong when all i want to do is fix this somehow. unfortunately he is my whole world almost, and even though ive been trying to change that i havent changed it enough for it to sustain me tonite.

i have to get myself together somehow

Don't tell him where the keys are.

also he wasn't going to see the internet-girl but i think the fact that i have infuriated him so much is going to drive him to it.

he is just blaming me for everything; saying that i have "made this bed" because i kept suspecting him of things.

Soul, the A is killing your relationship. You don't want that.

Your only option is to kill the A.

Would you rather have him upset because his Affair is dead, or do you want him happy because he is married to you and screwing his cousin?

If the affair is dead, you have more of an opportunity to win him back than if he is still involved with someone else.

Take a deep breath. Hang in there.

Nah, the only bed you have made is your marriage one. Any others were completely HIS creation.

Soul, please take a moment and read what he said to you. Does that make any real sense? No. He is using his anger to try to trick you into letting him continue his affair unbothered.

The WS will do all this stuff. They'll run around flailing their arms to and fro, blabbering and bantering like maniacs to do whatever they can to get their spouses to let their affair continue.

Stop listening to his words, watch his actions.

Soul, it's been a couple days. Are you any more convinced about the need for exposure yet? This is not a window that will be open to you forever. If you decide to let him manhandle you then you will appease him in the short term, but he will continue his affair and destroy your emotions in the long term.

I don't guess it makes sense. But I think he's been getting madder and madder when I keep suspecting him of things. But they are so obvious (imho) who wouldnt suspect?

I am thinking about the exposing; I am just honestly a little worried about how mad he might get and if he would do anything dangerous. I mean generally I wouldn't really worry about that but I feel like I don't know him anymore and I have no idea what he will do.

I wish I could find a feeling of righteous anger and self-protection.

He's left again btw. I don't know where he went w/out any keys and I am worried for his safety. I guess all I can do is leave that in God's hands.

I know he wrote something in his blog about all of this but I'm afraid to read it for fear it will just send me further down the spiral of panic.

I know I probably sound weak and whiny but I am trying very hard to get myself to snap out of it and remember that God is with me and always will be and that I will be ok.