I've just received an email from an old friend, telling me he loves me.

I've known him since we were 11. He asked me out once when we were 15, I said no, and we remained friends. We've both been involved in long term relationships since college; he's single now though.

Last month I was 'hit on' by another 'old friend' (I've known him about 8 years) who is married with a kid. I was very upset by this episode, and felt utterly betrayed.

Now I get this email. It was a friendly, concerned email - medically things haven't been going well for me and I've been put on oral steroids, which I'm pretty upset about. Then at the end of it he said he'd always loved me, and he'd do anything to make things better for me.

Is he just another vulture circling? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I feel like I've been thrown into an EA, all of a sudden, just by reading the words he wrote me. I don't know what on earth to do. I've known him my whole life, but I feel offended too, that he should say such a thing at such a time. He knows I'm not available, he knows I don't want any kind of relationship for a long time. I don't know - maybe he just drank too much wine and he'll really regret saying it in the morning.

I don't feel anything like that for him - never have. He's like a brother to me - I couldn't imagine anything sexual with him, even if I was available, which I'm not.

Do all women have a tendancy to be so naive about their relationships with men, as I so obviously have been? I don't know how I could have been so blind. Are all these male friends just waiting for their female friends to become single? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Please, please what shall I do?

Alph.

tell him this:

"I am not interested in anything but a friendship with you. You must not come on to me like this, not ever."

I find this is pretty clear ....

Yes, that's pretty clear. I'll send him an email... too cowardly to tell him over the phone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Happy New Year to you, too Pep. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Hope you had a good Christmas!

Alph.

Alph,

You are much stronger than me. I do not want any type of relationship either at this point, but tend to use my imagination or "hope" that there is a man out there I will meet in the future and we will create a very happy family together, in order to feel strong, hopefull, and less depressed about my future (see my post...).

You are very strong, in addition to being attractive, and I feel your daughters are very lucky to have a mother like you and your STBXH is such an idiot not to realize that!

Best wishes for you and your girls in 2006.

Milk

Pepperband is absolutely right. It's very sad that you should have the equivalent of NO TRESPASSING writ large on your forehead at such a difficult, vulnerable time, but it's best that you concentrate on what is rather than what should be.

Happy New Year Alphin. Sorry about the steroids. Take lots of calcium supplements if you can. Steroids are terrible for weakening the bones and the teeth. As for advice, I've never really had male friends since I've been married. I'd say keep him at arm's length - let him know you were happy with things just as they were? Have these guys been in contact with you throughout your marriage and were they also friends of WH?

Hi everyone. Thanks for your responses. I feel pretty pathetic right now, unable to cope with things I would have brushed off without a second thought twenty years ago.

Milk, thanks for your kind words. I do think about the future a lot too, and perhaps there is someone there for me - but I absolutely understand why the Harleys say you should wait at least two years after a split before beginning a new relationship! I feel I'd be spitting poison into the eyes of any man unfortunate enough to take me out to dinner at the moment! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> I'm catching up on your thread, too - after the Christmas 'break'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

RiverTam - I've started reading your thread today. You sound like a very sussed and grounded person. The MB thing seems to come very naturally to you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Concentrating on what might be is more pleasant than concentrating on what is; as Milk said - we all want someone to care about us, after all, but I've got my kids to worry about and my own healing to do, and the future will take care of itself.

Hey, TT. Happy New Year to you, too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Steroids are [email]cr@p.[/email] I hate taking them. I was using them before, but only in the 'other end' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> and so it was only a very localised dose.

Now I'm on a much stronger dose, and I'm taking them orally. The doctor perscribed calcium tablets to go with them. I have to chew them. They are flavoured a little like sherbet, but they are basically just chalk, I think!

The insomnia has hit immediately - it's 2.30 in the morning here, I didn't get a nap today, and I'm sitting here typing away, sipping some fruit tea. I can't remember the last time I was awake at this time. Except when STBX first left, of course. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

As to these two guys, one was a 'work friend', and didn't really know my H. I only ever saw the guy at work functions and the occassional drink after work. The other, my much older friend, knew my H very well. He visited with us, we visited with him and his then partner. Got on great, the four of us (except that I recently found out that his ex partner didn't like STBX because he drank so much).

Gosh, I hope I get some rest tomorrow. Hope my body gets used to these things quickly.

Alph.

Alph...

Let's say there are two fellas with distinct motivations. One is a scoundrel who wants to take advantage of someone. The other is a well-meaning but undisciplined romantic who wants to reach out to someone he has feelings for, even though she is, in a way, technically at least, not entirely available.

Which is worse?

GC

Thanks. And I agree! "Dreaming" is a very important part of creating a new reality.

May I just hijack the thread for a bit about what the Harleys say, to wait two years to get involved again? I'd like to hear more about this because it's what's been in the back of my head. People need to stop rebounding before embarking on another R. And they need to not take the issues from the previous marriage into the next! (It makes me wonder about the OW, actually. She contacted WH about six weeks after he left. What was she THINKING? That is, other than the standard "I think I'll gets me an instant husband!" that is typical of OWs. If a man approached me so soon after his marriage being over, I'd tell him to get back to me in a couple of years!)

Alph,

U have the opportunity to have this either be a good support with a potential good future or just another vulture. Not 4 you 2 decide but for him to show his 'feathers'.

I wouldn't write him off. U r both vulnerable right now. Let him know you appreciate his friendship and as a friend you need one who understands your current need for space. This way u r not writing him off if he has noble intentions and since u r asking for time, time will tell if he is a feathered creature or a loving human being.

JMHO,
L.

Back again, with a slightly clearer head, and no longer freaking out.

Hi GC. Which one is he? I don't know. I can't believe he'd want to throw away a 25-year friendship for a quick [email]sh@g.[/email] But then, my view of relationships is a little tarnished at the moment. It's hard to believe anyone caring enough to stick around me, and I'm as likely to spit green venom into the eyes of any man who brings me flowers as to accept them graciously. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Hard to imagine him as an undisciplined romantic, either, though I know what you mean. He's about as English and stiff-upper-lipped as they come, though life as an ex-pat has mellowed him somewhat.

River,

I've often wondered if affairs are the ultimate rebound relationships? My STBX began his A whilst we were still very much a happy couple (as I thought, anyway), and left me for her 3 months later. One of the main reasons they don't tend survive as long-term relationships, I guess. My STBX has jumped straight from one R to the next, without giving any thought at all to his own part in the demise of our M (it's all my fault! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> ) and expects this new R to be perfect. Now the kids have met the Omelette (OW) things are even better. The A is sanctified! It's child-friendly. They are going out as a foursome on happy family outings. It's like the first stages of the A all over again. I wonder how many A's die a death once kids are introduced? Kill or cure, perhaps. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Orchid. I can't imagine ever being with him as a partner, but then I'm not ready to give so much of myself to anyone yet. I guess that, with 25 years of solid friendship behind him he has a head start in the trust stakes over anyone else. It will take serious wooing though, if and when I'm ready.

Alph

Alphin,

I think that if a married man with a child would try to hit on me, no longer would I consider him a friend. I would also seriously consider telling his wife about the incident.

If a single man hits on you, try to consider it a compliment. Tell him you are flattered, but that you are under no uncertain terms interested. You are still married and even if you do get divorced, you will not be interested in a relationship for quite some time.

You are an attractive, intelligent woman, afterall. Let those occasional knocks on your door remain harmless. You know what your boundaries are, and you've shown you know how to implement them, you not going to let yourself be a victim.

I dunno - I have to disagree here. I see a HUGE difference between a married man who hits on someone and a dear friend of 25 years who is concerned about you during a bad time and says "I've always loved you and will do what I can to help".

I have several dear friends of the opposite sex that have told me they love me and both of us know how it is meant. In fact, one said it in front of my husband.

Emails are hard to interpret sometimes. If the one "love you/will do anything..." statement is all that was said - I'd take it in the spirit of concerned dear friend.

However, if it went to "I want to be with you, when can I see you, I'm so glad you're single after all this time, etc etc...." I'd be setting him straight.

Alph,


LOL! Yup, that's true. I would be way toooooooooo greedy if I go out with any man now, and I would also probably be very judgmental because of my hurt.

Milk

I would agree with this. Such relationships have DOOMED written all over them. Not that the participants can see the word, writ large as it may be! It's all about the fantasy. As soon as reality is introduced in the form of just about ANYTHING, things change pretty drastically.

Alph.. hey there! I thought you were still away! I missed your presence on the boards.

Sorry to hear that you have had such encounters lately. I think it's coz you're still healing and hurting.... it's perfectly fine and polite to be firm and say you're simply NOT READY for another rel'ship at any point soon. If you think he had other types of intentions, other than being just a friend.

~A