I found this on another site and thought it might help you.Its from a XWH to his BW.

Posted: 9:58 PM, December 30th (Friday), 2005
I walked thru dark shadows thinking I was basking in sunlight, and attention.
Instead it was an evil darkness, one that overcame me, one that overpowered me.
I heard words that I wanted you to speak, that in the past you had spoken.
But in the comfort of an established relationship, you had forgotten to speak or I had forgotten to listen.
I started out seeking the attention I wanted from you, attention you were giving me.
But it was an attention in another form, one of the caregiver, the provider, not the new lover.
I allowed myself to get sucked into a sinkhole, and got sucked in further and futher.
I would come home at night and try and wash myself in the cleanliness of our marriage, our love, just to get dirty again the next day.
I began to rot from the inside out, slowly at first then faster as the days went by.
It festered my night, and was bandaged by day, to be unseen by you, unfelt by me.
My esteem, which was low in the beginning, was now nill.
What pride I had in myself was now totally gone.
I made myself not think of it, and if I did, I was lost in a nightmare.
One I couldn't share with my best friend, my soulmate.
How lost do you have to feel, when you are with someone, but so alone?
Alone, because of your own actions, you own dirty deeds.
Yet I tried to convice myself it didn't matter.
You didn't care, you wouldn't care, it wouldn't hurt you.
Knowing it would, deep down, but when you are wrong, you try to justify.
Try to shift blame, because, who wants to admit their own stupididty?
Did I think about loosing you?
Yes, and my world became covered in tears and fear.
But the spiral had become a nonstop fall, and I couldn't figure how to get out.
I couldn't ask you for help, I had hurt you, before you even discovered what I had done.
I knew that, I dreaded that, I was scared of that, I caused that.
I would swear tomorrow would be different, then one word, one action from you, would give me a justification in MY OWN MIND to do it all over again, still knowing it was wrong.
I was weak, I was stupid, I was my own downfall, in your eyes and in my own.
You discovered, you confronted, THANK GOD!
I can't explain why I was weaker than you.
I can't explain why I did it.
No explanaiton makes it right.
I hope one day I can see myself in a better light, because as low as you think I am as a WS, I would bet money I think of myself much lower than you do.
I am not professing to know your pain, I can only imagine how betrayal must feel.
But not only did I betray you, I betrayed myself, and I am sorry.
Just my words, on how I felt upon discovery, and still do.
Often BS wonder how they can forgive, true regretful WS, wonder everyday when they look in the mirror, if they can ever truly see themselves as "a good person". It is a very large and hard pill to swallow that you are a bad person, one who has inflicted pain and hurt, and then double the size of that pill when you see the hurt reflected in you partners eyes, words or actions, knowing we only have the power left to say we are sorry, but have no power to remove the pain.

Hope it helps
#1mom

Just wanted to bump this up this moring.

I wish my wife would write me a letter like that.....

My husband has not written anything like this but over the past year and a half he has said them and acted them out in one way or the other.

I am going to print this and give it to him. I am going to tell him I understand how he feels and that I am sorry that he feels the way that he does. I am going to tell him we are climbing the mountain together.

Wow...the tears just keep on comin' today.

No wonder he said he was glad I found out. He said he did not know how to end it.

Wow.......
I think this describes pretty clearly what a truly remorseful WS actually does feel like. My FWH could have written this.

Sometimes, as BS, it is difficult to imagine that our FWS actually felt bad or at all guilty while they were in the midst of their A's. That is understandable from our perspectives, but this makes it clear that they were capable of feeling bad even then and also why they continued.

My FWH once told me that during his A, he prayed that I would somehow rescue him. He included that statement in his NC letter to OW.

Thanks #1mom, I'm sure it brightened several days.

#1 Mom,

All I can say is THANK YOU for sharing this letter. I will also print this out to give to my H. I think that it sums up exactly how he must have felt, trapped and unable to climb out. The letter has helped me to see how he could have continued the A when he knew it was wrong, and how he tried to break it off but then kept coming back to the OW.

After his A was over, but before D-day, he had asked me if I would always be his friend no matter what happened. I could tell that he was tormented and depressed by something that he could not tell me. I told him that yes, I would always be his friend and begged him to confide in me. He still could not do it. This letter shows me exactly how tormented he must have been. He has been very remorseful this week and cannot stop telling me how sorry he is for everything and that he (and I) have a lot of work to do. I just tell him that I appreciate him telling me that, and that it will get better.

This letter answers alot of my questions as to how could he keep the A going for so long, didn't he think about me at all, etc. I really appreciate reading this and will definitely print this out for my H. Thanks for helping us BSs to understand how the WS must have felt.

Hi everyone,

I'm glad to see this is helping people.In ways i know this is how my H felt before during and after.I am just glad we are doing so well.

#1mom

Just wanted to bump this again.I know it has helped a few today.

#1mom

Bump

To eveyone,
I like to keep this close.I think this reminds me of how sorry my H really is.I see so many of his words here.I understand how he feels.There are alot of XWS out there that are truly sorry for there actions.They just need us to believe them
#1mom