It has been 3 months since the D was final and I am content. I really don't want the XH back even though I didn't want the D. I feel much more at peace now, but I am having a low day today and just need to vent.

I was driving to work today when I heard the song by Faith Hill. I can't remember the name of it maybe "Like we never loved at all". It is about a man walking out of relationship and is moving on and she is stuck.

It hit home. I'm not stuck, because I have made personal gains, but he did just walk away like he never loved me.
He has a new gf, a new life, spends more time with DD than he ever did when he lived with us. Life just seems so great for him. I know I don't really know, but it looks like it. He has had this GF for a year. My DD spend lots of time at her house. GF even bought my Christmas gift from my DD. I feel like I have been replaced and things are so much better without me in his life.

Me - I'm not seeing anyone. I can't find anyone that I am interested in dating. I have a good life with my DD, but I feel lonely sometimes.

I'm just wondering when WS leave, do they ever look back and wonder what if? Do they think of us ever again? I'm scared that maybe it was me. I know that I had my faults in the relationship failing, but he had the A(different GF). He seems happy now. He implies that he doesn't go out with the guys anymore. I'm amazed that he now takes time off to be with DD, but when he lived with me he could never take a day off when I was off. I know I can't second guess things. I tried to save the M and I really don't want it back, but I am hurt that he just walked away "like we never loved at all". I feel like I was just dropped. I still think of him and yet I know I am moving on. Does anyone else feel this way even after the D? Why am I starting to believe that it was me like he was saying all along?

I'm attractive, educated, put together, fun. I see value in me. I know what I have to offer someone and yet he has someone and I don't. I'm resentful. I'm the better person and yet I'm struggling to put my life back together and he appears to have his new family and life is great.

Thanks for listening!

Hi LS...

I have been around MB for awhile (as you can see by reg. date) but rarely post much anymore but came across your post and wanted to make sure someone responded and I think I have at least a little insight.

I was a WS in my frist marriage and the BS in my second.

Believe me I have gone thru all the emotions you are as have many here.

The song you referenced is Faith Hill and Tim McGraw. Complete lyrics are here:

Lyrics

In answer to: I'm just wondering when WS leave, do they ever look back and wonder what if?

From my experience an unequivocal yes.

When I left my first W and moved on w/my girlfriend (Yes, the OW) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I thought about my W daily and how badly I hurt her. But I had made a decision (right or wrong) and believed I had to move forward with my life. All the time hoping that she would be able to also. As it turned out she met and married someone else eventually and they have a very nice life as far as I can tell.

Me, I married my GF (the OW) and after 8 years of marriage she had an A of her own and ultimately we were divorced. Her A blew up and we have talked from time to time...she says he thinks of me every day and is sorry for how badly she screwed up our marriage and her life but what's done is done and there ain't no going back.

I have again moved on, but certainly not without a lot of pain and work and I think you are where many of us have been...

Is it easy? No.

Is it doable? Yes.

Is it worth it? Absolutely.

Have faith (uh no pun intended) and you will get there.

In my experience I have found that time is really the great healer in this regard....

Spend time working on what matters to you and the worries you have about being able to move on, meet someone, date, fall in love will work themselves out in time....

Don't be discouraged and as hard as it is, try no to look back...look forward.

I read this once when I was in the position you are in:

You will begin to be happy again when you make the decision not to live in the pain and begin looking for the positives in your life.

Here's another set of country music lyrics that might be better to focus on:

Lyrics II

Like the song says:

"You know how you said happiness can’t be found looking back..." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Best regards,

E

Thank you for taking the time to reply and sharing your story. For the most part, I think that I have let go (at least as much as I am capable of right now). I am happy. I am just so bitter sometimes. I hate the fact that he had his OW and then this new GF told him what an idiot he was for seeing her and became his great friend (all the while we were "trying" to save a M) and then suddenly she was his GF. I just want the crystal ball telling me that they will eventually fall apart and he won't have the rosy life anymore. I know that I shouldn't care and I hope you are right that in time I won't.

He said to me recently that he just wants me to be happy and he would hope that I would want him to be happy. I hated that statement. I'm so tired of feeling like he is throwing his happiness in my face. It makes me feel like the mistakes were mine and I couldn't make him happy and I was the 2nd rate woman/wife. I guess it's the classic inferior syndrome. I hate the fact that he just picked up and moved on and I'm picking up the pieces.

Again thanks for listening and providing positive words. On down days, it's nice to feel you are not alone.

today when i was in court for my divorce and he was making sure i understood that there was no chance we would ever be togeather again i felt like he was in over kill mode. He has taken any self esteem i may of had and shredded it right in front of me and enjoyed it. it hurts and with Gods help i will get through this. but i to hate seeing his happy world go on. he is having fun with her, doing things he never would do with me. He said that i couldnt take care of him if he got sick because i needed someone to take care of me. what happened to in sickness and in health. I was alway there for him but when ever i needed him he got ride of the old and in with the new. I want him to feel this pain someday I want him to feel that he failed someday I want him to be alone someday. But that is today and someday i wont care if he is happy or sad or with or without someone Remember we cant make someone happy they have to do that for them self , he is broken and not fixing it he is covering it up with someone else and it will end up broken again and again. oh by the way i e mailed my ex that song like we never loved at all it is a real tear jerker isnt it. i hope i can sleep tonight .......

Lucky,

How are you doing today?

I’ve never posted you before, but for some reason I was moved to do so. Feel free to ignore this if it doesn’t ring true to you.

You know what? You really have no idea what your XWS' life is like behind closed doors. Maybe his new plaything makes him dress-up in a Little- Bo- Peep outfit and crawl across the kitchen floor. Of course he is going to act happy in your presence . . . this will justify his decision of leaving. If he acts as if things aren't perfect, then of course he would have to consider that perhaps he made some bad decisions.

Yes I'm sure he looks back at your marriage and wonders if he did the right thing, especially after he and cream-puff have an argument, and I bet they have plenty. Self-reflection isn't a given, but most of us bipeds do sometimes ramble in the minefields of the past. It is wise to tread lightly there though.

"I'm attractive, educated, put together, fun. I see value in me. I know what I have to offer someone and yet he has someone and I don't." Do you really think that you are ready for someone now? Do you think you could really be emotionally available to someone at this time? I bet you would be a bit needy and clingy right now . . . that isn't attractive to most men.

I think that most women think that physical beauty is the most important thing to men and perhaps at first glace it is. After that initial instant, it isn't. Here is a secret . . . shhhh . . . what do many men find attractive in women? . . . it is confidence. A women that is confident in herself, that has presence when she enters a room, one that smiles and enjoys life . . . that is what most men I know really find desirable. Who wouldn’t want to share space with someone that extrudes happiness? Someone that will look into your eyes when she speaks to you, someone that smiles often and laughs easily. Someone that is proud of their body and not at all afraid of her sexuality.

Look, when you heal a bit, when you are comfortable in your skin, when you begin to shine again, when you know that you don’t need someone to complete or entertain you, you will then be ready to start a new relationship. Don't rush it. Your self-esteem is shattered and it will take time for you to rebuild it.

If you aren't already, start to exercise. Tone your body. Take some classes and tone your mind. Attend a place of worship and tone your spirit. You will have ample opportunity to meet, hopefully healthy (mind-body-spirit) people in these venues.

You know, someone will adore you. I know that it might not feel that way now, but you will find your man. Imagine how happy you can make him with all that you have learned from this past relationship and this MB site. And if he feels happy and loved, I’m sure he will want nothing else but to help you feel the same thing. This man will thank whatever god he has that your X was so stupid to just throw you away . . .

Finally, I would much rather have your life than that of your X. You have your integrity. You know that you kept your vows. You seem to know right from wrong. Someday, your daughter will want to know what happend with you and Daddy. She will deserve an honest answer. I wonder who she will respect?

Cheers,

CN

Lucky,

I can absolutely relate and have thought the same thing when I heard the song. My W essentially walked out, no affair though, and she is cold and distance. She is not mean or rude but it as though "we never loved at all." What really hurts is the feeling of being discarded after you have given your heart and sole to someone.

I am truly sorry you are feeling down. I think that anyone with a conscience and a heart will question themselves and reflect on their past. It is part of the growing and healing process. Be objectionable and allow yourself to make mistakes and be imperfect. We are human, but I feel the key is to be honest with ourselves.

Again thanks for the replys. I am much more positive today. Overall I usually am. I have grown so much in the last year and it is true what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. So much of what everyone says is true. I have worked on myself. I know he hasn't. It's just when you are feeling down, you allow yourself to play terrible games. It's funny I look at the past and I see my mistakes. He had more than his share, but I wonder if she doesn't make the mistakes I made, will he treat her different. I know it shouldn't matter and on most days it doesn't. I know what he is and how he is. I also know that he cheated on this GF with me. So I know for a while he questioned his decision. It's just hard now, because I don't see him questioning it anymore. He used to come to me for things. Granted I changed that because I was tired of his cake eating, but at least then I still felt he thought of me and maybe wanted me a little. I needed to change that. It wasn't healthy and I don't need to be used, but it allowed me to see that he felt something. Now we are cold (I initiated this behavior). I'm just not ready to pretend that we should be friends. I will always do what is right for my DD's sake. Don't take that that I am still in love with him because I'm not. I just really want him to know someday that he made the biggest mistake of his life.

CN,
You are right. I am much better off than he is. I do have my integrity. He has already exposed our 3yrDD to overnights with GF. When discussing it with him, I couldn't help to throw in the no morals dig and he said that I will never let him live that down. He always has to live with that. He has apologized to me for what he did, but I know that he will always remember me becoming deathly thin, throwing up, shaking, ect. He also has to live with the fact that the first year of DD life he was never home and running around with OW. So no matter what life holds, I can always keep my head up.And I always will be the role model for my DD.

As for being ready for a relationship, I think that I am. I recognize the neediness and because of that I would keep it in check. I am being very picky and I guess in a sense waiting for the right man. Thank you for telling me that he will come and with all that things can be good. I really needed to hear that.