I think my H is having some level of affair with a married (says she is getting a divorce) woman that he hired a month and a half ago at his company. He says they are just friends and that he has known her since his youth, and he is just trying to help her out by giving her a job and being there for her when she needs a friend to lean on for support, advice, and whatever else he can come up with, like taking her to shop for a car.

My H and I are working thru are own problems, and everything was going very well, up until he hired her. Then all of a sudden he changed his attitude towards me and the progress we had made in our previous problems all went to heck. We have been together for 10 years and married for almost 8. We have 2 kids ages 5 and 3 and I am 8 months pregnant.

I have told him that his relationship with this girl outside of work makes me uncomfortable and very hurt -- he says that I am being insane, and that I am focusing my attention on the wrong things and that I should focus on the actual problems we are having and not create one that doesnt exist. He calls her all the time on his cell - when he waits in the car when I take our daughter into ballet class, when he goes in to buy a soda at the gas station, while I am in the other end of the house, we were in separate cars driving home from our first "marriage counseling" session and he calls her, basically whenever he gets a chance when Im not standing there.

Prior to her we were happily together all the time, now he wants to go out bowling every Tues. and comes up with all these bs stories about business dinners that he has to go to (he has been at this bus for 5 years and never had a bus dinner b4 and now all of a sudden) We have only been to 1 counseling session so far and he told the Dr. that he loves me but that he feels that he is not my H anymore and that he will always love me and take care of me but he is not sure that he can be with me.

He swears that his relationship with the co-worker is just friends and that it is his responsibility as her boss and friend to help her out and take care of her because she is in a very bad marriage and she needs help, she is trying to divorce her H and she needs the support of my H to get through it. Im pretty certain that he is having an emotional affair, dont know if it has gone further (wouldnt be surprised). I know that he has close employees that will lie for him and that he uses as means to try and ease my suspicions (which doesnt work) She bought my kids and my H presents for chanukkah he said they were from her and this guy Mike (as if that made it ok) UGH SIGH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I feel like I am standing in the path of an oncoming train waiting to get hit, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I called the Dr. we are seeing and asked her if there is any advice that she can give me, and she said not at this time, I think you should just hang in there until our next session on Thurs. ( which btw - during our 1st session my H told her that he wants apts. on any day but Tues so he can go bowling with his friends)

I cant just sit by and wait and do nothing!!!!! BTW he and his father run the company - so if my suspicion is true are the odds good that his dad is aware of what he is doing?

Also, he says its all my fault that he is so distant from me lately and the cause of all the problems, he says I cant come to his office anymore cause my kids are too disruptive (and even when I have been alone and asked to come he says its not a good day for that)(I showed up one day me and the kids and he was there by himself with her - she immediately got up and left for the day) I also caught him at the office just the 2 of them and he said he didnt know she was going to be there, he thought it was just going to be him and Mike (who only lives 2 min from the office) he said that Mike just ran out to get them some breakfast and he'd brb, I had the kids in the car so I couldnt just run into the office...I was crying and angry and told him just not to lie to me, he had the blinds closed and he said its cause of the glare (its f'n gloomy winter in chicago NO SUN!!!) btw this happened the day after xmas, he said he had all freight to move for a client of Mike's ( I called the co. he mentioned and they were closed that day) he printed out some oreders and said see this is what we were working on.

I feel like he is just staying with me till the baby comes. He says that he wants me to get the house we live in finished and on the market by the end of Feb cause it has too many bad memories from last year and he wants to move into a small condo that is 1/4 the price and size of our current home, he says that he will be more comfortable there and that should he decide that he wants to leave me 6 months down the road the kids and I will have a nice condo to live in and not have to worry about it cause it will already be paid for.

I dont know what to do, we have never had these kind of problems before and this is the first time I have ever suspected anything like this. I want my marriage to work, I dont want to lose my H, I think that he is just lost because of the effects of my severe depression last year that almost ended us with a divorce but we had worked thru it and everything was going great until end of Nov when she showed up. I think Im rambing too much....please help please please please

Settle down...welcome to marriage builders...we have almost all been in your position and know what you are going through. Your husband is having an affair and from my judgment already probably physical. Does that mean your marriage is over...no. Myself and many others here have saved there marriage after infidelity and the odds are you will too.

1. You need some concrete evidence so you can make an exposure list and expose to everyone what your husband is doing starting with his Dad. The phone records should be good enough but to break down his denials go and purchase a Voice Activated DIGITAL (not cassette tape) voice recorder for $50 or $60 at Radio Shack or Wallmart. Pay cash so no record of purchase is available. Fiddle with it and learn how to use it then hide it in his car up and under the driver or passenger seat. You'll hear it all and it may not be pretty...I strongly advise you do not internalize anything you hear...it is all FOGTALK. It is the nature of affairs. Anyway...never admit nor divulge using the recorder as it may not be legal in your state...just wait a few days and he'll have no idea how you got your info.

2. See a lawyer, secretly, immediately. As a business owner he (and perhaps his father) have the opportunity to completely screw you in a divorce proceeding.

3. If you have the keys to the business get in there and photocopy whatever business records you can before they are altered. I know I am being an alarmist but I know how bad you can be shafted by a business owner if you are not careful. Copy records in the house and bank statements. Don't divulge you've done this as in may be important to prove he is lying in court down the road...if he don't know you got the goods you can make him look really bad in court. Winning the first few rounds in court can help you win your marriage back too. P.S.-the move down to a smaller condo is a big red flag for me...he is trying to set you up.

4. Get yourself some cash...you may need a retainer for an attorney and you need to protect you and those kids.

5. Expose...Expose...Expose

Keep posting and asking questions. MB will help you get through this. YOU WILL MAKE IT...most likely with your marriage intact...but you will make regardless.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

Heidi,

I think you are 100% correct. He's having an affair. I'm very sorry to see yet another mom - expecting a child in this sad situation.

Somebody wiser than me will come along soon.

-AD

BTW - try to utilize separate paragraphs to relay your thoughts as your initial post is hard to follow.

It's pretty late now...try to check in for awhile during the morning or evening to get some dialogue going.

Mr. W

i dont have keys to the office...
i dont have records of the cell calls, it is through his co. so the records are all there...
i dont have any money either......i cant afford a lawyer


im so screwed!!!

You mentioned chanukah/hanakah...whatever. Are you Jewish????

Regardless seek out assistance from your temple/church whatever. At least the Jewish community is full of divorce attorney's and tax attorney's that may throw you a free or cheap consultation upon the request of the rabbi.

Most of what I said you can do yourself. The records in the house make a photocopy. Try to make a copy of the office key(s) so you can get in there. Does he use a computer at home? Melody Lane maybe can help you access or monitor it with a keylogger program.

BTW...I am a tax attorney...so I can help a little (YOU ARE NOT COMPLETELY SCREWED...YOU FOUND US...STICK AROUND)

Mr. Wondering

*a good thread for you to read tonight...Sad Mommy...not a happy ending, yet...but another new mom. Personally...I have strong feelings of anger at your husband for what he is doing to his pregnant wife. If I didn't understand the fog I would tell you to leave him right now...however, affairs are insiduous...I have no idea whether there is a good man inside your husband that's got caught up in this affair or if this affair is a sympton of his truly weak and evil character. That is why we must help you bust up the affair and get him away from his addiction. They you will know what you are dealing with and you can decide whether you want him or not.

*** The Recorder I suggested can probably be returned within 30 days for a full refund.

First off thank you so much for your responses...
yes I am Jewish, and in re to the temple my inlaws are very influencial there and even so far as being very good and personal friends with the Rabbi and most of the members there, so I think that assistance to me would be laughable.

As for the key that will be hard to do, but I will try.

Yes he uses a computer at home, AND it has a remote connection to the office pc's...I dont know all the passwords, I used to but they were recently changed because they fired an employee that was trying to hack into the systems, so I only know his main log in, but I dont know all the other passwords.

Prior to this last month or so, he has always been a very good man, husband and father - he would do anything for me and the kids, even now he says he will always take care of me and make sure that the kids and I are safe. He says he wants to work on things and is willing to continue therapy and truly hopes that we can resolve our issues (of which he still insists that he is in no way having an affair and is insulted at the accusation)

Ahhhh you mention that evil word "addiction" my H has a massivly addictive personality.

He is supposed to go out to dinner for a "guys nite out" tonight, he says he is going with his dad and brother and some other of his fathers friends from the temple (one of which being the rabbi) I know that his father does this about once a month or so, and my H has gone with for it previously, but this time...I dont know, I feel like he isnt going to go with them but instead go with the OW. I want to follow him and see, but my car is too noticible and I dont have any friends or family that live close that can help me spy on him, and I cant get that recorder into his car by tomorrow night either....ugh

[
I think this is a REALLY important point. If your H is a person of integrity, no matter how he's acting now, there is every chance that he will wake up from his fog. If he's a player... well, things are different. Not impossible (I don't believe in giving up on ANY human being, and there are spouses here who have recovered from multiple As), but certainly different, with different odds. And, when all is said and done, and you have looked after yourself and grown through this experience, you would have to ask yourself whether you want to be married to a player.

Ive been with him for 10 years and never once have I had this kind of suspicion before. He is certainly a man of integrity which then makes this whole thing seem like an oxymoron of a situation, becuase how can he have integrity and have an affair.

But at any rate, prior to me feeling this way about his current behavior, he would be sickened by other men in the office discussing their extra-marital goings-on and he would tell me about what they do and how they behave and what they do to hide it from their wives. He has since stopped talking about these other guys, and I think somehow fell into the band-wagon or something. I also think that he shows lots of guilt when he is around me, he used to sleep like a log and now he has a very hard time sleeping and he keeps having out-of-control blood sugars (he is a diabetic) and he keeps saying he doesnt know why, I asked him if he had something on his mind that was disturbing him, if is conscience was so busy that he couldnt find rest...he says he has done nothing wrong so he has no reason for his conscience to be blocked.


How do I find this "sad mommy" post --- i dont like stories with unhappy endings =( I am going to force myself to read it anyhow if I can find it.

Go to the index page of GQII and look down the second column labelled "poster" for the name of the original poster and typically the "owner" of the particular thread.

Also, every story here is sad in it's own way, though they are all real true life stories and personal journeys to recovery regardless of the outcome of the respective marriages. Whatever happens this is a turning point in your life, the lives of your husband, children and your marriage. I'm generally a pretty stoic guy but as you battle through your emotions and stand up for yourself you can gain particular insight into who you are and what you want out of life. Right now everything may seem out of control but as you battle through this "PROCESS" you hopefully will gain a better, not worse, prospective on life and become a better wife, mother and person. You will learn through this that the only person you truly control is yourself and to develope intimacy with your partner is a two way street and a lot of work. I can look as last April/May as both the worst months of my life and the best months of my marriage.

Search the site over completely. MB has so much valuable information here. It is going to be OK.

Good luck, Mr. Wondering

p.s.- just cause the number of stories here looks like recovery is close to impossible doesn't make it so. Most recovered couples maybe post a little while or here and there and move on. The unlucky ones (or lucky ones that figured out their WS's weren't worth it) tend to be longer stories and stick around as they journey through their loss into their own personal recovery. Also, recovery is a PROCESS. You will be amazed one day when you look back at how far you've come since your first post here. Stick around.

Welcome Heidi,

You need to read up on Plan A and Plan B and start implementing a good plan A. Here is the link:

Plan A and Plan B

You might be suprised...once you get the hard evidence exposing to the rabbi and his parents will be a neccessary and perhaps very effective step. My middle school was 50% Jewish and the amount of divorce I saw was huge. You community has battled hard against the alarming rate of divorce amongst it members...it's still alarming but I believe they may be more helpful. If you have any friends, especially a lady friend, that has a "friend of a friend" they may get you a consultation with nice Jewish Divorce attorney. Again, your in Chicago...there's hundreds of 'um.
You can research Illinois Divorce Law on-line also but we can get to that later.


Good. BTW, is your name included on any of the business documents. I bet not but did you sign the lease for their space or co-sign on any loans???


Wonder how good his spyware protection is. Probably be better to get hard copies of business records as any improper expedition into the main system may be detected but keylogging at home will give you a snapshot of everything he does remotely without tipping of the business protection systems he may be linked to at the time.


My experience with the Jewish Community confirms what you say. All my Jewish friends broken families were somehow strangley still very connected. Though ALL MEN like to control their own money and I'd still be really careful that you don't let your trust of your once good husband blind you to the reality of the situation. He may "provide" for you later but at what cost and upon what terms. Protect yourself and your children, today.

The fight for your marriage is paramount. Preparing and protecting yourself and the children for divorce, custody dispute and settlement of assets is what you do on the backside.

What about your parents????? Where are they and can they/will they help you???


It is his drug of choice and you remain the only sober/clean one available to "save" him. Are you up for the fight? Can you be the strong one when your husband is out destoying himself (and in the process you)? Can you separate the man you knew, the man you married, your husband, from the addicted wayward spouse you see in front of you today?

Got to go,

Good luck, Mr. Wondering

As long as he is actively in an A then marriage counselling probably won't help.

You need to work to end the A. You have to get the evidence you need and then expose to key people in their lives.

Don't take your WH's word for anything right now.

How about speaking with your mother in law? If she were aware of this situation, she could put pressure on her husband to notice his behavior and do something about this employee.

when you go gorcery shopping take and extra 20.00 or so out and he will not notice. Stash your cash, I even lifted extra out of WH wallet when he slept at times. I stashed alot up. Or say ou are going out with GF and need some extra and he will probably give it to you thinking you will be busy and he can play. Sorry about all of this and to think you are 8 months pregant. Steams me. You could ask him to watch the children while you go out and say I can't find my car keys let me use yours? That way you'd have his keys to copy. Or maybe they have an extra set in the office somewhere? Time now to be smart and as sneaky as he is being. The key logger will give you his passwords.

Oh for cell phones -you go into the site of the company cell phone, cingular what ever type his pohone number and put his password in a bingo you got it. Oh -can you hide his cell pohone so he leaves withput it for a day? I did this and changed his password -they send it to his cell phone when you cahn ge it on line. Then erase the message. I also changed my WH e-mail password -so he could not delete his e-mail messages to his OW.

No, I am not on any of the company documents...I didnt sign anything.

The more I think about what is going on the more I think he has been planning this and having this affair for a longer time than I was willing to accept at first.

Months ago, probably all the way back about when I got pregnant, there were changes that didnt phase me because I was too focused on what I had just done to him thru my depression and almost divorce, I thought the things that he was doing were to try and improve himself for me and for him - for us - now looking back I am thinking differently.

He joined a health club and was going there (or so he says) 5 days a week b4 work, hed get up 3 hours early just to go, I was really suspicious of this behavior every day he left I would cry. He said he was going for his health - he had just found out about a liver problem as a result of his diabetes, and high cholesterol and high blood pressure. I accepted this but still didnt feel right. Some days I could tell he worked out beacause he would talk all about the work out and his growing muscles and how good the work out with some guys he met was, and other days he would be like oh yeah I worked out and on those days the intimate contact with me was none. And for the past month he barely will make any kind of intimate contact with me and no sex whatsoever. A peck of a kiss and a hug like im a stranger is the most I get.

Have to get my DD ready for school, ill write more later <sigh>

OMG thanks for all the great info...I am having my parent and siblings all over to my house in about an hour to tell them all about what is going on and hopefully get their support and help....

Yes I have told his mother and she told his father, he denys it to them too, but I also wondered if they infact already know about it, and if they are just lying to me about it as well, seeing as how his dad and him sit in the same office, and his parents can see all of the charges that he is putting on the company credit card.

However when I tell his mom of his behavior, she says it is all very odd, and does seem to agree with me about his behavior being suspicious and wrong....I dont know what to believe or who to trust....Im getting a digital camera and Im going to try and spy on him tonight while he is supposedly going to be with his dad for this "guys nite out" thing he says he is going to....

have to go bbl,
and thank you all so much

heidi

It is a digital voice recorder and not a digital camera...I think you know the difference and just mistyped.

How did the meeting go with family and siblings? Sometimes they can be less than supporting. I hope you let them understand that you are fighting for your marriage and appreciate any positive support they can offer. Unfortunately, their first inclination is to save you and pull you out of your situation. If they are not familiar with infidelity they will not likely to understand that your marriage can survive and THRIVE after infidelity.

You need help taking care of the kids and taking care of yourself during Plan A. Not to mention some financial support would be nice. That is where they can be of particular help. Do any of them have a divorce attorney friend in Chicago? It will be difficult to do everything and try to entice your husband back to your marriage without their support. It is your marriage so try to make the decisions you want, after careful deliberation and not necessarily to please your family.

Mr. W

The meeting with the family was very stressful. My sister is very supportive ( i have been talking to her about all of this for about 3 weeks now) my mother also supportive and my father and brother are kind of questionable. The are both of the "lets break his legs" school of thought.

I had to tell my brother that he needs to please be patient and understand that there is a process that I am trying to go thru and that he please not contact my H and also that if he came in contact with my H's brother that he not let on to what I have told him and the things that I am trying to do.

My brother thinks that I should be in the walk up to him and call him a liar and cheater and tell him to get the f out. My father I think is somewhere in between. But my brother has several friends that would probably be willing to follow him around and see exactally what he is up to.

On my H's way out the door to his nite out this evenin' he said that he is afraid to ask but that this guy from his office is going out bowling and drinking for his b-day tomorrow nite and that the OW will be going also and another young (apparently the most beautiful woman my H has ever seen) will be going. (BTW my H just told me that this new woman had lunch with him today, instead of him coming to the doctor with me for my 36 week check-up (I got to hear the baby's heartbeat, i love that)at any rate he said that she is unhappy at her current company and so my H offered her a job at his, and he wants to go tomorrow nite as well so he can discuss with her more her transition in coming over to the company and also to socialize with this new employee <UGH>

Today he was acting unusually nice to me. Called me this morning (which lately he almost never calls me) to tell me he was almost in a really bad car accident and that he narrowly escaped a tragedy. I told him that I loved him and I am very glad that he wasnt hurt. He said that he loved me too and called me baby and sweetie during the rest of that blah blah chatter...which was kinda nice to hear him call me something endearing, since he hasn't done that in quite awhile.

Well I have to say for a small relief for this evening I just got confirmation that my H is in fact at dinner with his dad and dad's friends. No OW to be seen - yeah!!!

So in part A with meeting his needs and the "doormat" phase... I am going to put the kids to bed and clean up the daily kid mess and then light some candles so it smells really nice when he gets home, I cannot meet my H's sexual needs because he wont come near me when it comes to that. He sleeps in bed with me and if I ask him he will spoon with me for a bit but that's about it. So what do I do? He likes when I rub/scratch his back and when i kiss his back when he is falling asleep, so I do that most nights. I also offer to rub special lotion on his feet 'cause he is complaining of them hurting a lot lately. I've done it 2x now and offered to do it on 2 other occasions to which he said nah im ok right now, maybe tomorrow. I dont know what to do about this, its been about 2 weeks since we have been intimate and I sure dont know how to get that going again.

My H wanted me to get the construction in the house done asap and get the house on the market right after the baby is born. He says that this can be a deal breaker for our marriage, and that this house is too painful for him to be in. So to try and appease him I am having my brother and father come over to do the work (which there is lots of) and have instructed them to take all the time they need and to even run into lots of problems so that the Feb. deadline has no way of being met. So he will see progress being made and hopefully that will be good for him.

My H loves when I wear my hair down, and when he came home tonight I had it up and as he was walking towards me I took it down in a slightly seductive way and he took notice and was smiling and said mmm nice. I smiled back and went on to ask him about his day and listed to him intently as he told me all about this new "hottie" that he just had lunch with and then hired.

Time to brush teeth and put the kids to bed, be back soon.
Heidi