That's a lot of hoops to jump through. Does he have many business records at home???? What about the inlaws??? If they leave town you could stop by there house and likely get a copy of some business records???

Do all your bank statements go to his office???

Melody Lane - If you're around, I am sure heidi could use some help with a key logger...as I presume he uses a home computer to conduct some business??????

Mr. Wondering

First of all the stories about the OW's H are probably totally false and it sounds to me like its theri excuse. Most WS lie about their S to justify what they are doing. So relax on that info. Remember do not believe 90% of what they tell you.

As for the children -I suggest you just tell them the children miss him. Are you keeping a journal -this will prove how many hours he is home and spends time with the children -maybe for court if needed. You have been doing a great job and I applaud you. I would not worry about selling the house - Not with a new baby coming. You will need extra time to heal and get rested after the baby -not cleaning up after children to show the home. Forget it for a laeast 3 - 4 months. I personally would not sell at all.

Another thought...leave the recoder sitting around in the house wherever you think he might conduct a secret phone call while you run out to do an errand or two.

And, does he use text messaging on his phone...maybe he doesn't delete the message log or he'll forget to one day...have you been checking that????

w

realtor has a good point about the information about OWH.

The way I see it your husband is setting the groundwork that if you do end up busting him do not go out and tell OWH because he is violent and he will hurt OW. This is a big reason that once you have the proof you will probably need to expose to OWH immediately before you confront your husband because upon confrontation he will go throw a fit that you better not expose to OWH because he will hurt OW.

OW is an adult. If her Husband is abusive she and only she is resposible for removing herself from that situation. 9 out of 10 times it's a lie anyway and OWH turns out to be a dupe in the situation just like you and he will appreciate you telling him and he will fight the affair on his end. Whatever, your obligation is only to provide him the truth and let their marriage take care of itself. Though you husband will be angry...you can survive anger, a never ending affair your marriage can not survive.

Any luck getting any contact information on OWH???

Lots to think about but your pregnancy and health are of paramount importance. Force yourself to look after yourself first. This fight for your marriage is likely to last awhile so get adjusted to looking out for #1. A healthy stable mother is way more important right now to your fetus and your other children.

Mr. W

I am beginning to see your point about a possible MLC, if his behavior is very different now than it was before. He seems so very self-centered/selfish. Has he always been this way?

I feel so very sad for you. I can't understand how he can treat you this way when you are about to have his 3rd child in a few weeks or a month. He seems so heartless to not consider you when he is so #ell bent on selling your house. He is so very wrong. If he wants it sold so much maybe he should take charge of the renovations. Ah, but he is too busy with all of his extra curricular activies.

I also agree that the stuff he is saying about OWH is probably a lie or exagerations. He may be just a suspicious as you about them or he is clueless.

Thank you all for your posts,

I appreiciate it so very much. As I sit here feeling like I need to give up.

No, most work he does from home is over the phone, although he does have direct access to the office pc's from home connection. There are no business record's here or at inlaws. They are all at office.

I think my H has convinced my IL's that I am crazy or something, as he reports that his mother has commented about "pregnant ladies are crazy maybe she'll get better after the baby is born"

No, my H used to be the most caring compasionate person in the world. He would have done anything for me. Now he is very very selfish, and gets mad at me when I do anything or say anything that isnt involving him as the top priority - biggest example is the house, not only is he not putting a priority on me, he is also not putting a priority on our baby. To him selling the house is his top priority. He doesnt want to be here, and he wants to buy a condo/townhouse, and either im going to go along with what he wants to do or he is going it on his own.

He has never been like this before. Even in October when we were picking out all the new appliances and cabinets for our new kitchen and looking at granite. He would tell me to pick what I like, and I ask him which he likes, and he tells me to get what makes me happy. (I do interior desgin/decorating so he trusts my opinion anyhow, and we have the same taste in decor so its usually very easy to agree) He was so excited to do all this remodeling in the house and we did not skimp on materials because we were setting up to stay here for 10yrs or more...then Nov. he starts to not want to do anything at the house..and then Dec. he is downright irate at the idea he has to even step foot in this house.

He says if I wasnt preg he would be gone, hed be at his parents house until we could get out of here. Now he says this house is a deal breaker for him. He says he outta here beginning of march and if i cant get it done by then too bad for me.

How can he be like that???
He has always been such a caregiver of a person (H*ll his names meaning litterally means caregiver!!!

I cant stand being suspicious anymore, and he is so admiant that I am making something out of nothing, and that I am being insane. Im starting to believe it. Maybe I am a crazy pregnant lady.

He keeps encouraging me to gain weight while im pregnant...telling me to eat more, and encourages unhealthy foods when I go to choose something healty.

He wanted me to record an auto attendant for the phones at the office on Friday and then told me to forget it. Then when I asked him about it again, he said im going to put it off for a few more weeks, and then ill look into doing it again.

Its all so aggrevating and frustrating.

Hey there, You are not a crazy pregnant lady.

Now, you said he can access work from home? You might be able to do it. You can probably figure out the passowords. I think a key logger does that.

If he is on the computer, are you sure he is working?

Get a keylogger installed soon.

I don't understand why he became so turned off to the house all of a sudden in Nov. The only explanation is the OW and some plan they may have together for March. It is very suspect. You are not crazy. That is another thing many WS's do. Mine tried to make me think I was crazy. The kids started to think I was being suspicious for nothing and was crazy. I made myself sick and lost lots of weight too. I finally couldn't take it anymore and went to the Dr. for anti-D meds and advice.

You need to get as much proper nutrition as you can for you and your pregnancy. Then after the baby is born too.

I dont know what to think anymore, I dont know which end is up anymore. I had such a bad LB this morning that he took off his ring and threw it at the wall in his office and says he cant find it, and when he does he will not put it back on.

I cant help but have an utter meltdown and cry like crazy I went to the other room, but he could hear me crying.
He says in a very calm voice, "I told you I dont feel like I am married to you anymore anyhow." He says again in a calm voice "you and all your suspicion is unfair and I really dont deserve it." he says I am so suspicious of all everything he does, he has blocked me out of every part of his life that he can, and there is not much more he can block me from.

I wish I didnt call his gym. Why did he have to go to work so late???? When he is at home, he gets irate if he gets to work after 8am. Here it is about 9am I call the gym and he is standing there talking to the guy that answered the phone!!! I cant believe what kind of dumb luck is that.

How is he so high and mighty that I am so wrong for calling to look for him, and he is so furious that he throws his wedding ring. And he flat out lies to me about where he is going and I catch him in a series of lies that he tries to deny to me, and calls me insane and too suspicious and thats ok for him. But now he implys that I have sealed my doom for calling his gym.

I wish the naive side would take over in me for awhile, maybe it would make my life easier. To just be like ok hunny have fun with your friends, sure thing of course we can help her buy a new car what a nice idea, sleeping on an air mattress!! awww lets go buy her a bed she cant live like that. Lets see the co. pays her a large salary, we pay for her I-Pass and her cell phone, hmmm what else can we do for her. Gee sweetie, I just love that we can help her out so much. Whats that will I watch her daughter for the night so you can take her to a nice restaurant since she has never been to one? Why of course darling Im sure our kids would love to play with her. ---AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I have no idea what to do anymore. I thought sarcasm would help me feel better but it really didnt.

When my husband refers to me being pregnant he says "Arent you excited that this will be over soon" Thats not quite the way I look at it. But his statement is very telling.

I think that is the same way he can look at the situation of me trying to care for a 5yr old, 3 yr old, and a couple week old baby, and say bye everyone.....March 1st is here and Im outta here. So sorry you couldnt get this house done in time, because I would have loved for us to be a family, sure will miss you.

It seems he was ok to have a reason to take off his ring.
He has cleaning people in his office every night...he says he threw it at the wall, didnt see where it went and didnt bother to look. So if the cleaning people find it.........

I dont know what to do, I dont feel like I have the strength to go on. I feel like he is trying to make me feel insane for his own purposes, the same with trying to get me to gain a ton of weight.

I hate this, and I just dont know which way to turn.
I dont know what to do anymore.

In my work on self improvement and trying to be more compassionate to people I am gonna refrain from posting much to you.

I am finding my extreme disgust at the behavior of your husband too much bias for me to be of any value to you in a post. Like a prejudiced juror, I am execusing myself.

Please take care and goodluck with this situation and the new miracle that will enter your life soon.

Lem

Yeah I dont understand it either. Suposedly the OW is already working on her divorce, and her H is not being cooperative with it.

I dont know how to get in touch with OWH since he does not have his own place, he either stays with a friend in Kenosha (that I have no idea) or his parents in Antioch (also no idea). The OW lives in a trailer park in Park City.

He swears so much and so matter of factly that he has nothing going on with her, and cant even begin to understand why I even have this suspicion to begin with. I really am wondering if I have it all wrong. Maybe there is no relationship with the OW at all.

Tonite he said to me (and this is before he told me about his ring "you know there really is no reason for me to stay up past when the kids go to sleep (mind you that is at 7pm)" I raised my hand and said "how about me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />" he put a [censored] smirk and said "yeah well I can get up earlier and not be so tired when I go to the gym and get to work earlier"

I have no way to follow him around during the day. The kids are still in bed sleeping when he leaves at 5:30m. And then by the time they get up and get dressed and eat breakfast he is in his office. The parking lot is not big enough for my car to disappear into the sea of cars, cause there isnt a sea. And my car stands out too much.

I feel like I am at a loss.

I used to be able to check his cell phone, but he locked it now.
He hides his car keys and his wallet and keeps his phone on his bed table while he is sleeping.
He has made his parents believe that I am depressed and crazy, and has told me to stop calling his mom and discussing my worries with her because he does not feel he should have to answer to her.

My H tells me that he does not tell me I love you when we talk on the phone anymore because he does not want it to be a greeting. We have been telling each other that for 10years when we hang up the phone but now he wont. His parents call and he tells them I love you when he hangs up, he tells our kids i love you when he hangs up, he encourages our kids to say it to his parents when they hang up with them....but for me....no.

I dont even feel like going to the MC on Thursday, but I feel like it is part of some plan my H has. We go and then if Divorce comes then he can say we went to MC. And if I tell him I want to stop going because I dont think he is participating. He will say we stopped going because I didnt want to go. The same with divorce in general, he always seems to be pushing me to be the one that goes and files first.

My suspicion is so severe that a Divorce is coming from him after the baby is born that I dont know if I want him to be there when the baby is born, cause I feel that is what he is waiting around for. And thats why he says March 1st. Knowing the baby will be here by then, and not seeming as odd as if he said the day after the day I would be induced (being Feb 14th).

I feel nautious.
What am I supposed to do???
Im losing hope <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for your wishes Lem.

I understand.
Be well. - Heidi

Yeah he can access the office remotely from home, I know his main log in name and password, but I dont know how to access the main programs that they use because that requires additional passwords. And he really doesnt access this from home all that often. What do you mean am I sure he is working? As opposed to doing what??? Looking at porn?
Which actually he does look at porn all the time while he is at work, amongst other things like play on-line video games and look at that games forums and such. He also looks at real estate market analysis' on our home, and listings for condo/townhouses in the area.

I really pissed him off yesterday with all his double standards that he has at this self-absorbed time in his life. And I dont know what to do now. I feel like if I press on to find some sort of proof and he catches me doing anything at all to question him in any way it will be one step too far. I feel like I am already at that point since he took off his wedding ring yesterday for the first time since he put it on the day we got married.

He said he is going to a business meeting tonight and that he might not be home until midnight if thats what it takes. He said he is disgusted with me for not believing in him and trusting in him. That I have no right to be treating him this way and that my suspicions are killing our marriage.

I dont know if I should have him followed tonight or not.

And I have a question about EA...how do you go about proving that? What if it hasnt become a PA? Do you just go on the basis of them being with the person? At this point I am equally afraid of my suspicions being totally wrong and him being totally innocent as I am of catching him having a EA/PA.

And what if the one time that I follow him is the one time that he is actually telling the truth about where he is going to be. Ugh!

His AFFAIR is killing your marriage, your suspicions have NOTHING to do with it.

Your WH is being a salesmen and you are being sold that your snooping and lack of trust is pushing him over the edge. DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE SOLD. His actions are textbook wayward spouse. I, personally, don't need to see the evidence to KNOW he is having an affair. You WILL need it to bust down these denials and stop his incessant abuse of you for NOT TRUSTING HIM. If he were truly trustworthy he would be going above and beyond the call of duty to allieve the stress on his full term pregnant wife. I wish I was wrong.

In conclusion, follow him just don't get caught. Tape him just don't get caught. Search out a post by Melody Lane and email her using the address included with her posts (if it's not there email my wife and I at the address below and we'll get it to you). In the email tell Melody that Mr. Wondering asked you to email her regarding Keylogger.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

Heidi...

Remember, people that have nothing to hide, hide nothing...your instincts are dead on...Your H is trying to get you to back down so he can continue his A without complications. You have nothing to lose here...at this point, if you do nothing, you've already lost...marriage to someone involved in an active affair is NOT a marriage...don't accept that! You and your family deserve much more...call his bluff, because that's what it is...back him into the corner, he is not on the side of right here! Keep fighting or you enable him to continue his shotty behavior!!! We are rooting for you, and we'll be here to advise and support you!!!

Mrs. Wondering

Ok Ill do that Im just not sure how much help that is going to be to me. He really doesnt ever log onto his office from home, the only time that I can think that he might, is if he actually sticks around the house after the baby is born to help me out and such. But at this point im not even sure he will do that.

The man who spent my prior to pregnancies by my side, even stayed in the hospital with me....i dont know where he is right now. I just keep hoping for him to come back soon. Because he is going to miss out on so much. And later I think he will come to regret it, but it will be too late, and there will be no way to get back the precious time that has been lost, and all the incredible times we have shared together that he now says have been detrimental to his life all these years. It just makes me want to club him on the head and hope he shakes off the blow and looks up and says "HEIDI!!!!!! omg there you are I have been looking for you I have been so lost" and everything goes back to normal. But I know that magic club doesnt exist. (But it would be nice)

My dad and my brother are going to follow him tonight. I hope they do a good job. But I have equal odds of them getting caught, maybe just because everything is scaring me and I just feel like thats just the way things seem to be going.

Another question.

If I were to say have his co. CC info that has his name on it and used the online service to register and sign it to up to view at my home email can I get in trouble for that? Same with cell phone?

Thanks for all of your support. Your advice has been an absolute blessing to me. I am so very greatful that I came across this site.

I am not certain about your plans at doing the credit card thing. Please expand your description and others more familair with doing it will HOPEFULLY chime in.

Another idea:

I know you've got the one recorder but maybe if you got another one or two (you can return it within ___ days for a full refund). Then tell WH you are going to your parents for the weekend and then hide the recorders in the bedroom, family room and office (whereever you think best). Also have the keylogger going. You may decide not to give him advance notice cause then he may just decide to be gone all weekend and you get nothing. Instead you wait till Friday night and take off ostensibly for just a few hours and then call later to say you are spending the night as you don't want to give him carte blanche on a weekend with her. He'll take full advantage of a night by himself around the house and probably talk away in earshot of the recorders. You could even hide the family videocamera in case he decides to sneak OW in for a "quickie" though he may get suspicious and look for the videocamera (which if asked you'd say you took with you) and the recorders will get enough anyway. Your call.

Mr. Wondering

Thank you so very much. I am trying very hard to not let the overwhelming amount of emotion that I am carrying around with me affect me. But its much easier said than done. I try to be cool and collected for my kids, and I go into the bathroom or something if I feel like I need a cry, and try to never breakdown infront of them.

I asked him if his parents know the way he feels, if he has told them the things that he has told me. About not wanting to be with me, and wanting to get a divorce and all the other horrid things he has to say about me. He said no, that the only things that they know are the things that I have told them. I dont know what to believe about that, I imagine he must say something to at least his father, as they sit in an office together 4 days a week. I asked him why he hasnt told them, and he says he doesnt feel he should have to answer to them, and doesnt want them to question him.

The "Fog" the "Aliens" its all so true, I wish that my IL's believed in me a bit more than they do I think they are in their own "MY precious son would never" fog of their own.

Good, I hope it is true that in-laws are in the dark. It will make exposure that much more effective ONCE YOU GET THE EVIDENCE. Just because I know, you suspect strongly and my wife knows doesn't mean you'll convince anyone else. You'll need evidence to expose that is why I am frantically trying to help you get it. Even with your bro and Dad driving around they can't possibly get close enough to get anything that can't be explained away by WH...unless a picture of both cars and them coming and going from a hotel room or her house (make sure they take a camera or camera phone)

Mr. Wondering