My wife and I have been married for 8 years. 13 months ago, I found out she had been having an affair. The affair was exposed by a concerned friend of hers, and the man she was having the affair with immediately eliminated any contact with her because his wife found out at about the same time. Since my wife didn't initiate the end of the affair, she went through several months of severe issues with being rejected by this person she was quite convinced truly loved her. She even had another brief affair pretty much due to the self esteem issues stemming from being dumped. I had my own issues and difficulties, and sometimes continue to do so.

At times, things have seemed okay between us. But we have been on an endless cycle that has her depressed because she just can't feel romantically in love with me anymore and feels no sexual desire towards me. We are at that point again, and both are feeling that divorce may be our only resolution. She feels that way because she doesn't see any rekindling of her feelings toward me. I'm feeling that way because I've tried to the best of my abilities given the situation, and we're not making progress. I guess I'm just wearing out.

We've both read Dr. Harley's books, discussed our needs, etc. In general, she doesn't meet my needs very well, but I still love her. We both agreed that I met her needs fairly well with the exception of being playful enough. I've tried to make improvements in playfulness, but she can find something wrong with everything I try in that area, and turns back to her horse riding buddies or club friends, etc. She even says she will always love and admire me...just never romantically again.

I just don't know how to go on. I can't keep doing the same things, but I don't know what else to do.

We also have a 3 year old daughter and a 4 year old daughter that we love dearly. They adore both of us and neither of us want to wreck their world. That as much as anything has kept my wife in the relationship.

Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I just want my wife back.

BamaDad,

You know what I find very interesting? You still love her even though she doesn't meet your needs very well, but she doesn't love you even though you do meet her needs.

Let me ask you this, would the ENQs have looked different had you filled them out pre-affair?

Also, have you filled in the LoveBusters Questionnaire? That could be part of the secret.

I also suggest you read Surviving an Affair. Sometimes, it takes a while for the wayward spouse (WS) to get over the Other Person (OP). The WS can feel very sad and depressed even if he/she is the one to break off the affair. Meanwhile, the Betrayed Spouse (BS) is also in serious pain because of the betrayal, and becomes increasingly frustrated the WS doesn't buck up and get on with life. Good marriage counseling is essential. Anti-depressants can be very helpful for a limited time.

Now, she's not allowing you to meet her need for playfulness. We know this since every time you try it, she finds fault with you for it. Stop trying to meet this need. Work on some of her other needs. Make sure you don't LB.

Have you two been following the rule of undivided attention? That's the rule where you spend 15-20 hours giving each other your undivided attention. Not 15 hours reading, not 15 hours watching TV. I suppose if you ride with her, you could count those hours, if you are alone with the horses.

I recommend you read up on Plan A and Plan B. Plan A is where you need to be right now. I don't know about your state, but the chances of you seeing your children more than on weekends is slim if you divorce. Your wife also stands to lose because unless you are very well off, either the horses or the country club or both will have to go if you get divorced.

I think you need a good plan. Plan A for a time, followed by Plan B. Good plans, both.