Is it dangerous to expose an affair while plan B or is exposure at any time a good thing? Im worried that if I expose what has been going on while not talking to her could cause resentment and not give me a chance to explain the situation.

Expose first and THEN go into Plan B. Exposure will cause resentment and anger. That is an EXPECTATION. But it goes away pretty quickly.

I have already moved into plan b, should I put the exposure off for now?

You should put off Plan B for now and do the exposure.

AS, what do you mean you are in Plan B? Do you understand what Plan B is?

basically I told her that I dont want to do this anymore and I asked her to not call me anymore unless it is about the kids. That I care about her but I have been trying to change her feelings for more than a year and it doesnt seem to be helping. She admits she still has issues with the Dr guy and that is probably preventing her for becomming reinvolved with me but she says she cant quit talking to him, whatever that means.

I also emailed his wife this morning and asked her to call me if she wants the truth about her husband. I told her that I would preffer that we be silent allies in this mess and if she runs to her husband every time I tell her something that I will cut off contact with her and she will never know the truth.

The point of exposure is not to faciliate MORE SECRECY, but to bring everything in the OPEN. It is HELPFUL if the OMW goes to her H because that is how exposure works by making the affair uncomfortable. You DEFEAT THE ENTIRE PURPOSE by asking her to not tell!

What good does this information do her if she can't talk to her H about it??? Why in the world would she keep it secret??

AS, your fears are driving your decision making process here and that is why this affair has gone on so long. You have to put your numerous fears of your W aside for once and work on EFFECTIVELY saving your marriage. Your fear of your W has contributed greatly to this divorce and long term affair. It is time to STOP allowing your FEAR to run you and do the right thing!

Plan B is not giving the WS the cold shoulder and limiting contact. It is total darkness preceded by a love letter.

basically her running to her husband with everything I say probably wont make much difference, she needs to plan A her husband I think and accusing him while living in a different state wont change much. It will just cause my ex to not trust me anymore and then we would both be left in the dark about the state of things, right now I thinks she pretty honest with me for the most part. Would it be good to make her go back to lying to me again? At least I think the OMW should get the WHOLE story before confronting him again, it seems like shes incredibly needy and runs to him to find out "the truth" and all he does is lie to her and mislead her, she needs to realize that she shouldnt trust him, honestly I dont know if she wants to know the truth, if she did I dont know why she wouldnt have called me alredy, she knows my name and phone number. Maybe Im wasting my time.

I dont think I can do total darkness, I would have to start skipping my childrens sporting events, school events, etc. That would hurt them and she would blame me and I dont want her to damage my relationship with them. They are used to seeing me every day, I dont know if it would be good to just stop seeing them or talking to them for 3-4 days at a time, Its aready been 2 days and I miss them terribly. The only way I can talk to them is to call her number and ask to speak with them, is that a bad idea in plan B.

would a plan b letter still be appropriate, would a plan b email work also or is a letter more personal? My handwriting is messy, I type just about everything, is handwritten important or can the letter be typed?

I have a hard time thinking about Plan A or Plan B when there has ALREADY been a divorce !!!

Where does this put either of you as far as being a Renter, a Buyer, or a Freeloader???

Technically, since you are already divorced, your XW is not adulterous in your marriage, since no marriage currently exists .... all you are doing is interfering in your XW's affair .... she is not a WW, she is, simply put, a single OW.

What is your goal? To re-marry?

yeah I guess you missed the first post, that has a lot of information in it, we divorced legally and live seperately but there is/was very much a relationship of sorts going on, I have been Plan A'ing pretty hard for about a year and a half but doing some love busting at the same time. Just last week I was with her and the kids just about every day, I stayed at her place 3 nights last week, the OM has pulled back from her but wont let her go, he maintains enough contact to keep her feelings going, she says she is unable to change how she feels about him and she loves him but she wishes the affair had never happened and she could go back to loving me, but she says she doesnt know how.

My goal would be to have my family back together, she has already told me I can move in with her but she wont promise to quit seeing the OM. She thinks we should be together so the kids can have a family but she says that she cant live and be happy without seeing him, I told her I wont consider moving back in until it is completely over with him but I have been spending time with her and the kids in hopes that her feelings will change.

But, what is your goal? is it to re-marry?

I would like to get my relationship with her back to normal, we were happy together for a long time and my kids deserve a family, Im just afraid she may never be able to go back to loving me and I dont want to live in a loveless marriage. I also edited my previous post with some more information.

What about MARRIAGE? Is that your goal ... I know you "want to be a family" ... do you want to re-marry HER?

It is hard to say, if I could trust her again and felt that she was in love with me, yes, thats not really something that Im thinking about right now, maybe a long term goal.

My main goal is for her to quit having feelings for him and start having feelings for me again, after that things will be a lot easier.

How about this....

You stop behaving like a betrayed husband, because it is not factually true.

How about you concentrate your efforts on being the most honorable, upstanding father and X-husband ....

What does an X husband do about his X-wife's personal matters? Nothing, unless it is detramental to the kids.

Stay out of her business, and do NOT "act" like her husband. No sex. No sharing monies. Allow her to get her needs filled either by herself or by Married OM. Allow her to live like a divorced woman.

Don't "dark Plan B" her .... I think that is unnecessary. Contact her about the kids, and any important shared interests, but don't be her major support system either. Do not police her. there ought to be a boundary here, once you were divorced.

That's my opinion, feel free to disagree or ignore <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

a true path to frustration is to set a goal you have no power to manage

I dont understand why people here say, O you are divorced, game over, its just a piece of paper, in my case it was mostly in insurance policy in case things got worse, she actually didnt want the divorce. Just because legally we are divorced why does that mean I have to give up? Things are actually better now then they were for the last year we were married, I dont understand your logic. Are you saying that the moment divorce papers are stamped by a judge that all feelings and hope of repairing the relationship go out the window as well? Divorces arent hard to undo, she wants her family to be together, I just need to figure out how to get her away from him and reinvested in our relationship.

Ok .... I'll bow out. Best of luck to you.