Spent most of the holidays on my own but got through it. Husband has been back home three times to 'collect items he needs' and has left me a note each time asking for me to rethink the no contact as he wants to know how I am etc. I have continued the exposure - as him not being around has been noticed. Family, freinds and people at his work now know - but he and the OW (co-worker) are lying and hoping to convince people that they are just friends - that he and I are separated - this lie makes me feel really useless and discarded. I am really lonely and need some encouragement to carry on the good work. Very little on Plan B on the site - any useful links gratefully appreciated

Chivers,

It's a monumental thing that you are doing. Going through the holidays is a tough thing but you must be realizing at this point that you are a strong because you are fighting the right fight. I'm sorry that you're hurting and have to endure this garbage that your WH is throwing your way.

Be encouraged. You are doing the right thing and it's the only honorable option. Your integrity is intact.

-Fluke

Chivers, did you expose to the Human Resource Department? What about OW's parents? Is she married? If not, I would correct the story and let them know that the affair was what brought on your break up.

Did you do a Plan B letter? How long were you in Plan A? Where does your H live now?

Plan B letter posted on the PlanA/Plan B 'site'. The OW is head of HR!!! so no point disclosing there!!!! WH is Assistant Director
In Plan A for 6 months - though I acknowledge that I was not as good at exposure at first - go burned by other MB posters!!!. His parents & siblings know - I am in regular contact with OW partner - not married but together a long time. He is still in Plan A - OW told him that she was waiting for WH to leave me - and I think is planning to move out in the New Year - she found WH his flat - he lives quite near.

If OW is the head of HR, then you need to go higher than her. She, of all people, should know better, so don't protect her!

When you say WS' family knows, who told them? Do they have the correct story?

And what do you mean you were "burned by other MB posters?"

Her boss knows (Assistant Director) and the Director knows too. Her boss is a friend of my husband - and had had an inkling - he had asked my WH on a night out whether there was something going on - it was denied. I have told my husband's family that he has left because he has had affair - I think they have the mindset that he has met someone else - which if it will make him happy - its OK. They are not prepared to help me save the marriage - they are 250 miles away and quite elderly too.

In terms of being 'burned' I was sharing on MB that I found the disclosure thing very hard - I have not lived/worked here very long - followed husband up country after he got this new job - so knew very few people. The response I got was .........Your reluctance to expose because it would be sooooo humiliating does not read well to this audience. KnowadImean?
So, yes I have taken time to do this - but I got there in the end - prompted by making people know the truth. WH and I work for the local authority and my WH is very senior in another division. I work outside of the main County Hall - so am not that well known.My work colleagues know and are being supportive - but I am the boss so it is not appropraite for them to know all the 'ins and outs'. All my freinds are 250 miles away and I have no family.

So, in other words, it HAS NOT BEEN EXPOSED to them. I would suggest that you do that PRONTO and make sure they have the accurate, truthful story. Send a letter outlining the affair and its contribution to your recent breakup. Tell them you are trying to save your marriage but cannot do that if the HR director continues to pursue an illicit workplace affair with your H. Ask them what they intend to do about it. Go read Alison222's thread and read BritBrat's post about exposing to the workplace, she is an HR attorney and gave her some excellent tips.


I cannot see how that is being "burned." They were simply giving their opinions, right?

Plan B is tough....you can do it! Exposure is key...good job there. Melodylane is prob. right though, need to expose to higher ups in the co.

The fact that WH wants contact is a good sign but does not mean that you should give it to him!! Let him miss you, wonder about you, be concerned about you....it will eventually interfere with the fantasy of the A and undoubtedly cause the OW some distress!!

In the meantime Plan B should be about YOU! Take good care of yourself, get in a good place emotionally. Whether marriage recovery happens or not, you'll need to be healthy... physically, emotionally and spiritually!

Find creative and fun ways to distract yourself from what's going on!

Good luck and keep up the good Plan B! It's all about Protecting yourself from the chaos!

Need some advice as to how to respond to WH telling people that 'he can't help the way he feels'. He has written quite a few letters to me asking that contact be resumed, wanting to help me out. He has indicated his real sorrow about being apart from me - and acknowledging that he has ''behaved badly'' - an understatement I think! He is glowing in his descriptions of me - and indicating that his marriage was happy - so my Plan A for 6 months did have some lasting positive effects?. He described the OW as being very private - it did not stop her having a work based affair with my H though!
I was looking at a thread which talked about the transience of 'passion' but he seems steeped in the fog and his feelings. Also what stops the first stages of the affair moving from passion into a comfortable relationship - that he had in his maariage?

Why do you need to respond? To whom would you respond? Sounds like he is seeing the OW?

Perhaps advice was the wrong word - its insight to this statement. I guess I am so very frustrated to hear that he trots this out to our friends to justify his actions, and them telling me how upset he is and how he acknowledges 'behaving badly' as if this somehow makes it all OK.

This is just the same old stuff they all say. My WH told his family that he was a bum, and it was all his fault. Meanwhile he continues living with the OW. Ignore his talk. He is trying to do damage control.

I would expose in writing to someone higher up in the work place.