Hi everyone I'm new to this but help me out if you can. We're talking emotional affair here, not physical... I see nothing anywhere as far as a survival guide for a spouse. Can anyone help me out with this one? Thanx

real...more information please.

How long?
Who is it?
Are you sure it was "just" am EA (every BS on this board was told by WS that "it was not physical, we just kissed")?
How long have you been married?
Is it still going on?
And many more.
Read this site. Purchase His Needs. Her needs.
Read "surviving an Affair"

And more will come...consider this the ^^BUMP^^

The plan to fix things really remains the same, regardless of EA or PA. Most PA's also involve an emotional element as well, and the Harley's plans (A and B) are designed to deal with both the physical and emotional aspects of infidelity.

The additional information does help a lot for us to try to tailor advice for you friend.

Ok, thanks for replying you guys... I guess I have to fill out this profile thing but I can let you know some details in the mean time. We have been married for 19 years. Have 18 year old son in college. We are going to a marraige counselor, actually she is a MSW who does couples therapy as well as individuals. Have been going for 5 or 6 months. It's a long story but I found out and was blindsided by it. Had no idea. This WASN'T supposed to happen. I cannot beleive that it did. Definately was a EA,but I see nothing anywhere about surviving this, the distrust, etc... the therapist says it could have been a mid life crisis for him and that's why it happened. I know you guys need more details and I will post them just as soon as I get back from making dinner.... thanks.... BRB

RB -

Surviving and Affair by Dr. Harley does have a section in their about Emotional affairs. They are just as devastating to couples as the physical ones - possibly even more. Any advice you read baout getting over physical affairs can be true for EA as well. The trust will come - but your WH is going to have to earn it.

Jan

Real, SAA or Torn Assunder have information on Emotional Affairs. also read this article on the website

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5032a_qa.html

Hey Jan, thanks, I told you I'm new at this but WH is one I can't figure out, what does that mean?

Welcome to MB

WH is wayward or wandering husband.

read surving an affair by Dr. Harley.

PA/EA both are a betrayal- both are dealt with the same for the BS (Betrayed spouse)

blessings

Post deleted by sickofthis1961

Thanks all of you guys that replyed to me. I am learning quickly on here... thanx,Jan for explaing WH. But, Guys, this is so devestating, I feel so angry, kicked to the curb for some bimbo. I found out he was getting neck pain in early -mid 04, I said go to a chiropractor or my cousin's spa where she employs a massage thereapist. (Male). I know he was REALLY stressed out from work so I fugured that was why. Well, he took my advice (On the sneak) and began going to a spa place and getting massages. (He claims he didn't tell me because he didn't know if he was going to like it or not, massage, that is and he didn't want to hurt my or my cousin's feelings) Anyway.... that's who this "Bimbo" is... In Jan I got several CC bills from Christmas and noticed all these weird charges from stores I don't shop at, I thought it was ID theft and went ballistic on the phone with the CC companies. They said, talk to your husband. Husband lies and tells me he helped our friend Anthony out because he had a bad year (Business wise, he is an independant sales rep) and wanted to help him out for the holidays. BUT Eventually I find out he feels sorry for this "Person" because she is not married and has two kids so he decided to play Santa and purchase hundreds of dollars of merchandise for her. I-pods for her kids, etc.... (At that point OUR Son did not even have an I-Pod).And she was about to lose her job at the spa he was originally going to because they were closing up, owner retired.
The therapist i was telling you guys about called this "rescue syndrome" or something like that. Meaning he felt a need to help this woman or whatever. (All [censored] if you ask me)
Anyway, I find in March ... order to Pro-Flowers on a CC statewment, yes, our anniversary and valentine's are in Feb and I did get flowers but I knew they weren't THAT much so I did a little snooping and found he sent flowers to his "Friend". He sent a "Red-Hot lucky Bamboo plant" to her... he later said it was because she lost her job and got another at another location and spa place and the bamboo plant was for good luck. (This new place really never opened and closed before they had any business, poor management). (These things I now know for sure are true)

So It's March and after the flower episode I was a little suspicious...so one night I'm holding dinner for him and he is not coming in the house. I knew he was home, car pulled into the garage but no hubby for like 15 minutes...so I'm like wondering, where the heck is he? I look in the garage and he is on the phone sitting in the car. So he finally comes in and I ask, "Where were ya?" and he says "Oh, oh, Joe called.. about some work stuff".... so knowing that things were not kosher I look at his cell hone that night for received calls... there is a number and only initials in the phone book part of it. And those are NOT "Joe's" initials.... so I do reserach online into the cell phone bills and I find like 20 calls per day both back and forth from this one number with the initials.... now I am REALLY curious but fearing the worst. I wrote down the number and called it the next day when he was at work.... guess what? I got HER answering machine. I tell ya, it was then that I KNEW. I almost died on the spot. I was like "Oh, My God, Oh My God" that's all I could say. It felt like a ton of bricks hit me, I couldn't, didn't want to beleive it... but it was then that I knew and man, it hurt.
I confronted him that next day when he was at work on the phone. I called and he said something to me I didn't like (I was on edge all night and couldn't hide it any longer) so I told him to call that number...on the other end of the phone... DEAD SILENCE... (You know, an "Oh Chit moment)....
Needless to say I hung up on him and just lost it. My phone rang back a million, or what seemed like a million more times. I needed to clear my head. I packed a bag and went off to a hotel nearby to be alone and try to think. I needed some time. I left a message on my Son's phone to tell him that I was okay and that Dand and I were having some problems that we needed to work out but that I was okay and it had nothing to do with him. (I did not want him to worry when I did not come home that night)...

You know what? I could go on and on... if you need details to even attempt to give me any advice then I will oblige but all I can tell you is that alot of crap happened and I don't know what to do about this. The therapist is saying do not throw away 19 good years for one bad one and she actually beleives they had no PA... (He has, as well as I have been going to her individually as well as jointly for therapy)
I am pretty sure the other "Person" is out of the picture now. He says to me and to the therapist that he told "her" that he "can't do this anymore and it has got to stop"... (I guess that was when some other incidents happened a few months later and I threw HIM out of the house.) If you want me to go on I will but Jan, you mentioned WH is going to have to "EARN IT", that is what the Therapist says, but how does one "EARN IT? Can anyone tell me? Am I supposed to ask for something and let him provide it? or do you mean by earn it that this will NEVER<EVER<EVER happen again or anything remotely like it? I am so confused and hurt at this point that i do not even know what to ask for to make it better or if I even want to make it better. I feel betrayed, angry, sad, confused. I bet many of you all went through this but will it get better?? I keep trying to say "This too will pass away" but I wish I could beleive that...that is the state that I am in. What about that "Mid life crisis" crap from our therapist, what do you guys think, is she off her rocker or what? Do you beleive that is true? If anyone can comment or give me any opionons here, it would be much appreciated. Sorry i am writing War and Peace (Literally) herebut maybe this half hour has been therapeutic for me, I don't know....
thanks, Realbusy

Absolutely not off her rocker! Prior to my WH's MLC I had the clichéd idea that MLC was a blonde, a sportscar, and a toupee, but it's actually far more than that, and far more serious. If you undertake a crash course in MLC (and your H IS going through an MLC) you'll have so many bells ringing inside your head you'll feel like Quasimodo. MLC and extramarital As overlap at several junctures and so have many things in common. One thing is for sure: if your H is in MLC, he will be following a script, to the letter, just like Ss having an A follow a script, and it'll be pretty easy to diagnose. The best site for info IMHO is Forty Sixty, which also has a forum with wonderful, supportive, and educated people.

You might want to fill out some questionnaires on your Hs behalf, to help you gauge whether it's MLC or something else or maybe nothing at all. There's the midlife crisis test, Jed Diamond's Irritable Male Syndrome quiz, the 4060 andropause test, and the andropause ADAM test.

You might also find the following discussions useful:

Midlife crisis - what is it?
Irritable male syndrome
Understanding male midlife depression
Covert depression in men
Joan learns about fullblown MLC

Hope this helps.

Sounds like a familar story- one we have been through here at my house, too.

You can get trough this. If he is willing to work with you, it will surely make a difference.

I suggested it above, but the book, Surving an Affair will really help alot.

Did he write a no contact letter?

I hope the very best for you.

Thanx MoveForward... you know I have never even heard of Dr. Harley until today nor any of his books. from what I have been reading on this site alot makes sense and corresponds to much of the stuff our therapist is saying....I asked him to write "her" a final letter months ago. He did not do it. His reaction was "I want to put this past us and have NO contact whatsoever."... the therapist agreed with him so he didn't do it. I was a little pissed but got over it and even forgot about it till you just brought it up. I am assuming this is one of the steps Dr. Harley advises one takes when ending an affair?

From other posts I've seen, maybe this MLC and "knight in shining armour syndrome or rescue syndrome is NOT alot of crap and IS ACTUALLY Real after all. You guys are sure opening my eyes here. Maybe this Mars and Venus crap is really true......

It's crap until you're living it!

What is it with men and marriage of around or about the 20 year mark? How are you doing?

Jinxie,
trying to get through one hour at a time... how u doin'? (Famous phrase here in NJ...LOL.)
I have a question for anyone out there I am confused about something. At one point Dr. Harley says in one of his letter on surviving infidelity (In part 4) "After all, an affair is hatched with full knowledge of how much pain it will inflict on an unsuspecting spouse after it's discovered. It reflects a wanton disregard for the feelings of someone that was supposed to have been cherished and protected for lfe"
then in another letter, (and I cannot find it now, it figures)he states something like "Affairs were made to be kept secret from the BS" or something to that effect..... so I ask, ...

"Which is it?" To me this is contradictory. Is it because I (From reading on here a good part of last night) I was not meeting his EN that he did this to try to hurt me purposely or is it because I was perhaps not meeting an EN of his that he did this and got caught? And what about our therapists take on it that he "Wanted to get caught"... to me that signifys that he is not truly over her because he didn't have the balls to put a stop to it and by "Getting caught" I was the one who had to step in to be the bad guy and put a stop to it because he was unable or unwilling to do so. Anyone, what's your take on that?

Real, while I can appreciate you trying to make sense of this in some ways you need to stop doing just that. What you need to do for right now is carefully examine what is missing in your M and what was your responsibility and fix those things in YOU. You only have control over YOU. I know this is counterintuitive since your H is the one that cheated and you are the one that is hurting, but really it makes sense. That is the carrot of plan A. I will bump a post for you about that very subject.

Oh also, if you get the book Torn Assunder or Surviving An Affair there is a chapter on the message of the affair.

As always, FF is on the money.

At this point, you're probably better served by simply addressing the problem...work to identify each other's emotional needs, and begin fulfilling them.

Work with him on what he needs to do to begin rebuilding trust...make sure he understands what he'll have to do to do this, and knows that this is going to take TIME to accomplish...trust is earned, not given.

Focus on fixing your part in things...and focus on healing from it. Trying to make sense of it will drive you nuts...been there, and done that my friend. Look for my thread over on the recovery board from a long time ago...I've been in a very similar situation to yours.

Your FWH's motives won't make any sense...to you, OR to him. They weren't logical, they weren't rational. So defining them now will just waste time and energy. Try to change your focus to the future for now if you can. I'm NOT telling you to 'forget it', or 'get over it'...simply trying to suggest you work on fixing the problem more than anything else.

What are YOUR goals now? Reconciliation? Seperation? Have you defined them yet?

I've actually read a few "experts" saying that relationships are only meant to last a maximum of 20 years. I DON'T BUY IT! Sounds like a copout excuse to me. But things do go in cycles and it's natural that we enter periods of reassessment in our lives (which includes the biggest part - our marriages) and sometimes things get very rocky indeed. As a rule, men have these reassessments late in the piece because they're not as in-tune with their inner selves as women are. When midlife hits (and lets face it, if you've been married for 20 years, chances are you'll be in midlife) and they're plunged into the natural depression that accompanies it, men as a rule do NOT look within them to see what's prompting their "unhappiness". They look OUTSIDE them. And what's the biggest part of their lives? You guessed it: wife and fam. And so it begins: "I'm miserable! And my wife has all these faults that make me unhappy and I've never had the guts to talk to her about it, so... IT'S ALL HER FAULT!"

This is all a pretty basic way of looking at it. Women go through MLC too, and when they do, it's almost exactly the same as a male MLC.

I'm quite good, actually. Since starting Plan B I feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders.