as i keep reading more and more posts, i see that everyone is saying that the affair should be exposed. But I don't want me H to get fired. I don't care if the OW does, but my H has to keep his job. it is all he knows. So my question is, does it depend on company morals? and rules? And what do i say? My H told me last night that if i exposed the A to his job he would break everything in the house. And i know he would. What do i do?

KDee -more infor please -how long M -any children? How long A do you have proof? What type of company does he work for?

he would break everything in the house

wow does he suck his thumb when he sleeps also? He needs to grow up. I hope you called him on that comment.

A WS getting fired due to exposure is really dependent on the company he works for.....if there was a real possibility that he would get fired, I'm sure he knew that and apparently thought the A was worth the risk. All you are doing is telling the truth.

As for you WH breaking everything in the house.....even though you think he may actually do that, he is trying everything he can to convince you not to expose.....they don't like exposure...they're trying to make having an affair seem normal....but it's not normal, and exposure sorta focuses their attention on that fact.

Good luck and God Bless,

-Caren

Need more details about his work in order to speculate what might happen. What kind of company? Do they like him? Is there a manager or boss that you know, that is caring and would listen to you?

Why did your husband tell you not to expose to his work? It sounds like you threatened exposure, which is a bad thing. He now feels cornered and threatened, so he's bearing his little fangs and hissing at you hoping you'll back off...

Like everyone says - depends on the company.

I would be more concerned that he is threatening you by saying he would break everything in the house.

Sundog-

True, I didn't think about that.....Did you threaten to expose your WH at work???

IMO you should just do it, do not tell them about it.

-Caren

It sounds like your H is willing to do lots of risky things: ie: risk losing his job for an affair and go to jail for tearing up his home. If he didn't care about taking this risk, why would you?

Sometimes it comes down to making a choice between protecting the WS' career and protecting the marriage from an affair. I suppose you can choose his job over your marriage, but that is your choice. If you choose the job you just have to be willing to live with an affair and the likely eventual outcome of a divorce. There are lots of jobs out there, but a marriage cannot be replaced unless with a divorce and a new partner.

I think I would just divorce him. You have only been married for 2 years, and he's had an affair for about 10 months now. Plus he has been abusive, and now threatens to break everything in the house? Unload this guy.

okay..married 2.5 years. No kids. He works for a courier service....i.e. postal, fedex, ups, etc. My proof is phone records. I did have text messages from her, but not anymore. He has completely admitted to the A, so he's not hiding anything.

I have NO idea if he would get fired. i beleive i should first call the company and ask what their rules/regulations are concerning this kind of thing.

The thing is even if the A was exposed, he could and prob would still talk to the OW behind my back. I'm almost sure of it. I do not know the manager personally there. i feel like my first step is finding out if there is a possibility he would get fired. Because i do not want that. No matter what he did to me, i don't want him to lose his job over it. Two wrongs just don't make a right in my book. I feel like I am being too nice. But honestly i don't want to put him through the embarrassment at work. That is if people found out.

I do think i'll call the company, just to find out where they stand as far as these things.

I had posted anther comment earlier saying i wanted him to make a decision...whether it's me or not me. and someone wrote and said "he already made a decision. he chose both of you and you are choosing to be in this triangle. You have to make the choice to get out of the triangle."

So does this mean i need to give up?

You don't expose for the purpose of causing him harm, that's just the indirect result. You expose because it brings the affair into the light of day, making work and family aware of it's existence.

This is your marriage you are trying to protect. Doing what is necessary to save it is not 'wrong'. Separate your care for him from your enemy which is the affair. You will not be able to remove this disease from him without causing him some pain.

You have this backwards, Dee. Having an affair is wrong, exposing an affair is not wrong. If your H gets fired, it is not because you exposed, but because he is having an affair and they don't want to employ adulterers. Companies have that right. But you would not be doing anything wrong if you exposed, that is backwards logic to think otherwise.

Your H will have to leave this job anyway if you want to save this marriage, so it would be a blessing if he were fired. Your marriage will NEVER EVER recover if they still work together.

A job in a courier firm such as Fedex, et al, does not sound like one that he might get fired from and be unable to find another job a few days later. Is there something you haven’t said about it that would change that impression?

As others have pointed out, he has little respect for the dignity of the position he holds by engaging in adultery with someone he works with. Adultery isn’t a beautiful thing. It’s not a bright crystalline globe. It’s more like finding roaches crawling around on the floor when you turn on the lights. That’s what he thinks of his job. Why do you care so much? You don’t want to embarrass him? He’s embarrassed himself far beyond your poor power to add or detract from it. All you are doing is turning on the light switch.

If he’s abusive, call the police and when a patrol car comes by, have a little talk with the officers and let them know you’re concerned he will get violent because you’re exposing. Make those beat cops see you as a human being and when you call the next time, they’ll be there ASAP.

There is absolutely no reason to expose him at work. Well, unless you want to stop this dead in its tracks, that is. If you want to move back home and leave delivery boy to his own problems, don’t bother with exposure. If you want a marriage, expose, and watch it deflate like a punctured balloon. You’re in charge of making the decision of which of those two extremes you want. Sit down and make an adult, informed decision, then act, okay? Best wishes.

(Sorry I seem curt. Weather front came in and my nose demands I put a tissue to it every few seconds. Did I word that delicately enough? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

Only you can decide if you want to stay or move on, but were I in your shoes I would run for my life while the getting is good. Here you are newly married and he has been in an affair for almost half of it. Not only that, but he has been physically abusive.

You haven't even begun your marriage and are plagued with serious problems. Can you imagine going through this again, except with 3 little children in tow and a huge mortgage and no job? My God,just imagine your future.

Years ago alcoholic stbx became drunk and destroyed many things in our home..doors, prints, hardwood floors, walls, door casings, etc. Daughter and I left the night before as he was so intoxicated. The police told me that since this was his home he had the perfect right to destroy it if he wanted. He had broken no laws.

Breaking of his things may not be wrong but threatening violence is. You need to file a restraining order before you do expose to his place of employment.

I agree with believer..unload the guy.

thank you all for your advice. It's weird...i came home tonite and my H sat me down and said he wanted to work things out. I have to tell you guys that the abuse was years ago and he went to counseling and got help for that. That hasn't happened since then (which was about 4 years ago). So i know he will not do anything to hurt me. Anyway he came home and talked to me. He has been open and honest about everything. He said he wanted to work it out and honestly, he encouraged me to call his company. He said he can only hope that she gets fired. I was quite shocked. He said he didn't and doesn't want her. He knows he needs to fix himself and he wants to work on our marriage.

it's weird how this came about. i felt like i was giving up and he springs this on me. As he was talking i felt and began to understand Plan A.

I have been with him for 6 years. We started off bad and it got better. Then we moved here to this state and had no one here. We constantly bickered and argued and his relationship with his Dad that he wanted so bad didn't work out. His dad is an a**hole.....SO that made things worse for us.

I see all of your points...I guess i just didn't expect some people to say "unload this guy." i guess it's kind of hard when people don't know the whole story.

I see the majority of you saying give up...and i know you all are being completely honest in your opinions. But after our conversation tonight, i'm giving it another chance. But i thank you all for your opinions. I have become a stronger person in the last few months and i will only continue to be stronger.

K, folks were keying on the fact that you've only been married 2.5 years. You didn't say you've been together 6 years until just now. More info was requested, but you didn't give much.

Also, there is just about a zero tolerance with spouses who physically abouse. This, coupled with the incomplete information, is why you got suggestions that you should seriously consider leaving the marriage.

Your talk with you husband is encouraging, but words are just words unless they are backed up with positive action. Read up on Plan A, how to set your boundaries, NC with OW, and all the other tools you need to put your marriage back together.
Best wishes.

SOrry about that. i forget at times how much info i have given until i go back and read. Yes, together for 6 years, married for 2.5. THe abuse was about 4 years ago. Rocky relationship, but we worked it out before we got married. Moved here and everything just started falling apart.

And i totally agree...words are only words...i keep telling myself and him that. I need to see action! I feel like this is my final chance to work on us...after this, i don't think there are any more chances. thanks again...

By the way..Longhorns Kicked some major butt last night! i was rooting for them all the way.....I'm a southern girl myself....

"My H told me last night that if i exposed the A to his job he would break everything in the house. And i know he would. What do i do?"

The above statement concerns me. You can try to work it out with him, but I think he may need some anger management help.