I wish I could have a good night! Not sleeping.... I cant seem to turn off my mind. Every hurtful thing he has said to me during this divorce has been hitting me left and right. On TV when somebody gets hurt or raped and you see them have flash backs of what they went through like in slow motion over and over and over again well thats how my nights are his words hitting me over and over and over.... when will God turn this all off for me I dont want to hurt anymore. I don't know him any more and after what he said the other night I feel sick that I love him, he is like some kinda monster evil and dirty. I pray he comes out of the fog before any thing happens to him. Two times yesterday just in conversation people have said something about AIDS,and my thoughts went right to my ex. I am afriad for him.

Crushed, have you considered AD meds? I can tell you, it has really helped me. There are so many different kinds, but as much as you have been thru, you might think about this. It's not giving in to defeat, it's just a way to help you cope with your situation. To help you function during this difficult part of your life. If nothing else, maybe just something to help you sleep at night.

This is just a thought. Keep holding on, you're in withdrawl, and unfortunately, it's a one day at a time kind of thing. Hang in there, hon!

Jennifer

Well I got my babies home (my dogs) I went out saturday night with my son and my daughter and my sisters. We went to a salsa club and we had a dance lesson. I had fun, the first time in such a long time. I talked to the ex and I can't talk to him without being ugly. I told him maybe someday when I am not hurting I can just talk to him without bring her into the conversation.. He makes me so mad and I still somewhere in this stupid brain or heart keep fighting for us and there is no us!!!!! He told me he loves her today. I told him I hope she is worth dieing for because she can be in love with one man and still go and sleep with another,and maybe another another another sounds like a good way to get aids. It could be already to late for him. I pray they are both ok. I dont want any one to die and I pray that Jeff will find his way back to God and if she dont know him maybe someday she will. I hurt all over and I am so tired I have to work in the morning better go good night <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hope you're having a better day, Crushed. Have you thought about the idea of meds?

well if you can beleave it I am on meds <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I go to the doctors next week. I fineley feel like there is no more fight left in me, I can't do this any more. I have to stay away from him. I will have someone else call him if I need any thing form him. I can hand my life over to God now because I just dont care anymore. He has made me feel like I distroyed the one thing in my life that I loved so much and if that is true I cant handle it. I forced him to leave me and I cant live with that. I'm sorry I dont want to talk any more..........bye

(((Crushed)))

Please come back when you're ready. I just said another prayer for you.

Take Care...

Jennifer

Well it is another week end and it was out and keeping busy. I have to work tomarrow or should say today, I don't know why I worry about getting to bed I don't sleep anyway. Went to get my Rx filled today and they turned it down because the insurance was canceled and the drugest said you should not just stop taking that but what do I do he was to have insurance on me for 6 mo. but no big deal he has insurance and why worry about me, he is single and he can do what ever he wants and now that the divorce is over he is a good man and he is not doing any thing wrong he's single he can do what ever he wants......... I am still trying to pick my self up, embarassed because I can't get my nerve drug that he was the cause of me taking and I have a doctors app. tuesday and I wont be able to go but he is single and what ever he does is ok now. I am still so angry I will just have to call my lawyer and let him take care of it. He will have to pay the fees so why would I care he is off to Huston to see his sister that is on her 7th divorce She makes good money and she hasnt figured out money dont buy happiness and her brother is following in her foot steps and the family curse continues on ...... well I am all done venting good night

I am praying for you too. I have my Bible next to me in bed. When I wake up, I pray hard for whatever woke me up (Usually bad dreams about my ex or just have to go to the bathroom but then I start thinking too deep about the "what-if's" or the "why's" of what led up to the divorce)... I cry hard sometimes and ask God to help me. When the cry is over I read about God's love or protection or His help in the time of need (Psalms usually) King David went through a lot. Had people wanting to kill him so he was constantly terrified for his life. But he would pray to God for strength too. Then I fall back to sleep.
It does get better. It's been almost 4 weeks now for me. Last night I had a terrible dream, cried hard, very hard. Got it all out. Felt good after. Read and prayed for about an hour and fell into a deep sleep. I figure I am going to cry. Crying is not un healthy. So I let it go and get it all out. It stops. Sometimes during the cry I sense that maybe some of this is self pity so I stop. Some is mourning so that's OK... I am not afraid of that anymore.

One thing I have let God have over and over again is the thoughts. Things I cannot change. They will not change. I let them go into His control. I can't handle it or change or control any of this. When I let go, I have peace.

I am praying for you.

well I went to the Doctor today and he gave me some sleeping med. Sonata sounds good to me I just want to sleep one whole night but he wants to see how I do with the sleep aid first before he puts me on a antidepressent. Maybe it sleep I need..... (my husband back , My Homes back, My hopes and Dreams back, my selfworth back,) I shouldn't think out loud. I am getting sick of all the talk and so I am trying not to vent so much I think my friend is starting to think I have lost it, but on the other hand holding it all in is not good but right now I am to tird to give a **** so no talking for me I am going to go have a good night sleep and not think about him till I get up in the morning maybe and maybe not......good night

Hi Crushed,
If I'm the friend you think is thinking you lost it....well not me. I think you're still amazing and I do know it ticks you off when I think you're going to make it and more than make it, you're going to do great. Sorry, but I think there's a lot to you that you don't even know about. I know that "after all he is single" comment hit a huge nerve and probably shouldn't have been said. I just think men see the world differently than we do (Any men care to dispute).. I don't mean it's all bad, just different. It's those compartments they have in their brains that we don't. Having a new family of three in my home after the empty nest is pretty time consuming and a lot different than the quiet I'm use to. So please keep on talking and talking, it'a therapy and necessary for quite awhile. And that's what we women do best!!!! You are in my prayers. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Tunk

well I got a .55 an hour increase in pay to day at work!! oh boy hold me back form running out and buying a home! no I am thankful for what ever I get. Oh yes I had an interview for a full time position in the bakery dept. I'll find out next week sometime if I get it or not, the hours suck but right now I will take anything I can get. I did'nt go to church Wed night the weather wasnt to nice out and I needed to get some things done. I dont know when he is coming back from Tx. or if he ever will maybe his sister talked him in to staying out there with her. I cant say I know what he will do next. I miss the old him not the new man he is. I have to say I have put all of this in Gods hands I cant take thinking about him all the time. I am getting through hours now that I dont cry or think about him. Brighter Day May Be........

I was just sad all day today nothing to point at just sad. another saturday night home. Have to work tomarrow and need to try to get some sleep but it just dont come easy. I sometime hate going to bed all the past just seems to flow in that empty bed of what ifs and whys and could I should I and even would I........Good night God Bless

I'm still thinking of you, and praying for you. Hope you feel better soon. Take care...

Jennifer

I went to church tonight, took a friend it was real nice. I keep looking at my phone to see if he called and I know he is not going to call, I just want to know if he had a nice trip NO I dont I'm sure he had a nice time, Why cant I get it through my heart he is no longer part of me. I still .......

had to call him today about health insurance. It hurts alot to talk to him when he could give a s**t less about me. He said he would handle it today.....sure the divorce was final Jan 5th and he hasnt done anything about it yet. I call his job and the lady at his work told me to talk to my lawyer so i did today and he was contacting her today. why dose he have to push me to this point. he has never remorgaged the house and that was to be done by Feb 1st it is still in both of our names. he just called me and said all I have been is mean and nasty through all of this am I doing something wrong God I just want to end all the hurt I hate me and what ever kind of person I am because I dont know the monster jeff makes me out to be. I just want to go to the doctors and get my rx when I need them, I dont want to be responsible for a home that he is sleeping with a other woman at. I dont want to hurt any more and I dont know that to do with my dogs I cant pay their vet bills and it is hard enough to get them dog food and if I keep them I have to talk to him. I can just give them to him and walk away. I hate this damm it how much more of this can i take please no more....

Hi Crushed,

Just wanted to invite you and any others over to the "recovery" thread under "infidelity" to the coffee house. It's a great place to come and sip by the fire and let your wounds heal or hurt (whatever the case). If you want to clean up first you can stop by Moondogs "dump room" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> and chat with the guys (and lurking girls), then come on over for a much needed rest. Hope to see you there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Angry, Sad, Hurting, Lost, Empty, Scard, Alone, Praying....

I have been doing what I have to do and trying to push myself to do other things. I am tird of the cold and tired of doing nothing every week end other than work and going to church I have no life. Met up with Tunk to save me from my self on v-day (thank God for friends) Tunk you out there?? you ok?? Trying not to feel! nothing is better then hurt,anger, betterness, oh no i'm not going there STOP!! good night God Bless

Crushed, I just want you to know that I'm still thinking of you a praying for you. I know it's hard not to feel those things. Too bad we couldn't just have a switch built it us, to switch to "OFF". I know, I'd use it alot, if I had one!!

Anyway, take care and God Bless you!

Jennifer

Hi Crushed and Jen68,
Yes, I'm out here. Life's been moving right along. I've been kicking up my prayer life for middle son, life doens't come easy to him. H's out east until Fri, and my new family living with me is healing nicely. Lots of cooking, food, noise...life is actually happening once again in my quiet empty house. I think of you all the time crushed and you're daily in my prayers, and I thank God for sending you, I don't think you can see your value, but it'll come to you, you'll see....
Jennifer, you're a great encourager. I know you're going through all of this and yet you're quick to jump in and pray and help everyone else, what a gift. I hope you both have a great day with little bursts of hope and sunshine, remember God is close to the brokenhearted so you know He's right there with you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />