there are tons of people in the world. surely the info JL suggested you share, how old, how long married, how many kids, will not single you out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

ok, well I have 3 young boys and am in my early 20s , been married about 8 yrs

Okay, so you and your husband are getting a divorce. Is that correct? But he does not know about the affair.

So, do you know why you had the affair?

Why are you divorcing?

scaredmomof3,

Let's see you are in your 20's, you have three young children and you have been married 8 years. I KNOW I need more details here, but I would guess you are depressed. I would guess your H is overwhelmed unless he is older and more established than you, and given what you said you two married very very young and thus don't have the tools to make a marriage work.

Ok, Scared let me ask you a very very important question. If in the best of all worlds you could remain married to your H, love your H, and have your H love you, would you go for it?

Something to think about. But, really more details will help in ways you don't understand just yet. You are not the ONLY early 20's W with three children in this country or any other country, nor are you the first to marry young and find trouble in your marriage.

Please offer details and we may be able to offer you some guidance that you don't expect.

God Bless,

JL

3 boys, in your early 20s, and already married 8 years.

i bet you have had more than your fair share of responsibilites for being so young.

keep talking... we are listening.

well, we probably will get a divorce but we're not like actually filing or anything, right now we're just discussing living separate because we just don't get along together. yes I know why I had the A. My ENs weren't getting met. We can't spend any real time together without fussing about something, and well to put it simply our marriage has been downhill since long before the A. Then his BF moved in with us who was going through a breakup. We got to where we enjoyed talking to each other. B4 I knew what was going on I was lost in the A. I never thought I could be capable of it.

"How to Make a Marriage Work" a course every person should take prior to marriage, or even serious dating.

I was married at age 23 and, even at that age, which was older than many of my friends, i did not have the skill needed to be a healthy partner in a marriage.

Yes, I married Very young. My H is only a couple yrs older than me. Yes, I do wish that we could really love each other and have a good M for the kids sake esp. but I just don't hold onto any hope of that. Yes I do have alot of stress and responsibilities to have to deal with at a very young age.

is this so called BF to your husband still living with you guys or in any other way still involved in your lives?

i know you do not know my story, there was more than one OM in my story, one of them, the last one, was a "good friend" of my H.

they have been bfs since early childhood. no, he does not still live with us. when the A ended a year ago, my pastor told him first and foremost he had to hit the road. He moved to another state. Yes, we do still talk to him on the phone occassionally.

have you done much reading of articles on this site. scaredmomof3, there can be a way for your marriage to not only survive but also thrive.

you read Cindy's and Micheals story, right??

there are so many stories here that started out looking like a NO WAY (like mine!!) but then miracles happen when you let them.

how old are your boys?

2 4 and 6 I have read alot on this site, there's only so many hrs in a work day though, lol. First, I really do know my H and I know how he'll be, I mean maybe the world won't actually end if I expose but he will hate me and I can't count how many times he's actually told me if I ever find out you've cheated that's it, and I'll never forgive you etc.

the thing is, YOU have to change.

i know you stated your marriage was bad prior to the A, and i don't doubt that at all. especially with you two being so young and then having children so quickly.

but it is YOU that still choose to go outside the marriage instead of being open and honest. you have to look at yourself and understand how you could allow yourself to break your marriage vows. that choice is all about you and how good you are at having a personal integrity. know what i mean??

because even if this marriage does not work out. YOU need to understand what in YOU allowed yourself to make the choices you have made. why not do this work with the man that is the father of your kids?

Scared,

I have been reading and trying to soak all this in. First welcome, I know that has been said, but I am a BS and just want you to know you are welcome here. This is a place where you will get honest answers from very good vets as you already know. I commend you for wanting your marriage. I wish I could say the same, but that is another story on another thread.

Your last posts says you still talk to the OM. That has to stop. In fact that is more reason you need to tell your husband. He would want to know. I aggree it may be something you cannot swallow at the moment, but there will be no true intimacy between you and your husband until you let him know everything.

Secrets between spouses will lead to emotional separation eventually. I understand he did not meet some EN's. I did the same, but you need to be totally transparent with him.

His reaction at first will be rough, but you can have a good Plan A in place. This is a very long journey, but it is possible. I still have faith.

I am glad you are here (well you know what I mean <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ) under your circumstances. Also, you don't have to worry about people knowing who you are. Unless you tell, it is really impossible.

WOL

my H was the same way SM. there are countless BS here that will tell you that is what they thought they would do if they were betrayed. and yet here they are, recovering their marriages anyway.

what kind of Dad is your H?

Scaredmom,

Here is the irony of the situation. It is very likely that you do love your H and yes that he still loves you. What has to happen though is that you two need to find a better way to communicate and help one another.

Here is why. Whether or NOT your two remain married, you two will be linked together for the rest of your lives...you have 3 children together. Now, think about this for a moment. You are going to be linked, you are both going to have to pay to support your children, you both are going to go through the trials and tribulations of rearing 3 children for many years.

Given all of the things you two are going to HAVE to do together, wouldn't be easier if you two loved one another, supported one another, and at the minimum could communicate well with one another?

Scaredmom, even if you divorce one another, it is in both of your best interests to learn how to be could spouses because both of you will very likely remarry and unless you learn now, those marriages will fail.

I realize you two are still very very young, but here is something you may not realize about your H. He will NOT be a man emotionally until he hits his 30's. He is still growing and changing emotionally. That is very good news for you, IF you two work on things now.

Step one is stop the "fussing", and start to think about how to really communicate. Please read a bit about NEEDS and the concept of the love bank. One of the big love busters is "disrespectful judgements". Of all the things you can do this is probably the most lethal to your marriage. It is very common in young adults because they have not learned how to seek and collect information before they make decisions, statements, or take actions. I would strongly urge you to read the articles here, and then consider obtaining Dr. Harley's book on needs His Needs Her Needs, or perhaps his newer one (which I have not read) Fall in love, stay in love.

You two can build a great marriage, and not only will you and your H profit by doing this, but your children will as well.

Again more details about your marriage and how you two interact and how you interacted before your affair will really help.

Young lady, you need to learn how to do this no matter how your current marriage works out. But, it seems to me if you are going to learn it, why not do it now and perhaps save this marriage. You are going to grow and mature in ways you don't understand YET, and your H is really going to do this in the coming years. There is a reason that 30 is sort of a milestone and one of them is that males particularly start to really turn into men emotionally.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

ScaredMom

FL is right. I would have always thought I would leave my wife if she ever had an affair. Heck we (WW and I) over the years watching other people go through it said the exact same thing.

I choose not too, in spite of what I said.

Actions are louder than words my friend.

scared, I too am a FWW. I kept my A secret from my H for 10 years. He eventually found out and I wish it had been from me. Scared that secret built up walls that prevented intimacy in our M and ate at my soul. I became a believer after my A and I never could accept God's forgiveness because the bible calls for us to ask for forgiveness not just from God but from those we sinned against too. My H HAD to know and more than a year later I can honestly tell I am happy he knows. I have finally forgiven myself, scared. I finally like myself. Please tell your H for your own sake and for your M.

believe me, I've tried. much easier said than done, ya know? We've talked and talked about our M. We had before the A. We agreed to try and make it better and try not to get mad and stuff like that but it never lasts long at all. He's very immature. I'm not tryin to talk bad about him, really I'm not and maybe that's the wrong way of putting it, but he really is very child-like. Maybe that's just because he's male, (sorry guys) who knows. Also, we are both very very stubborn, not really a good combination. We have absolutely nothing in common, we can't watch TV together or listen to the radio together

I have read all about the love bank and it makes a lot of sense but my husband would never concern himself with it. I mean if I asked him to read that, well, he just wouldn't. First off he doesn't read. I mean I've asked him to read stuff before, he just says you know I don't read stuff, it's hard for me to read so I can't pay attemtion to what I'm reading. Something like that. But also he doesn't have the patience. He's very very hyperactive and can't stand to even listen to me read something.