It's been nearly 4 months now since I learned of my H's infidelities, which were over 8 years ago. In most aspects, our marriage is better than ever. H has always been great but now more attentive to my feelings and thoughts. However, I am depressed so much of the time. I feel I have lost a part of myself and my marriage that I will never get back - it's like a death in the family. I have no self esteem and in general just don't like myself at all and don't care about so many things that I use to - can't even concentrate on things that I should. There are just so many women out there who dress for attention and who will go after men - married or not and I am paranoid when I see them (although try not to show it to H). I guess I lived in a dream world, thinking H belonged to me and only me and that he had never shared himself with anyone else since our marriage. That hurts so much that I can hardly breath sometimes. Even though he has told me over and over, the infidelities meant nothing and I truly believe at the time he did them, he didn't think a whole lot about them - just a quick cheap thrill. Will I ever feel good about myself again and our marriage..................

Swalley<BR>This is a grief process. <BR>Remember all those times that you had to deal with a death. It isn't easy. It takes time. There is that four letter word again - TIME.<BR>Accept your grief. Don't dwell on it but realize that it is normal. the feelings that you have are very normal.<BR>Are you sharing them with your H? Is there anything he can do to be there for you?<BR>You will feel good about yourself again. I believe that. Just don't expect too much too fast. Sometimes when we fight too hard against the sadness it just increases it.<BR>The biggest difference for me came when I accepted the fact that it was normal and was going to take a while. I had been fighting it so hard that I was constantly losing.<BR>Relax, notice the good things and let your emotions out safely.<BR>Keep talking here.

wasstubborn,<BR> <BR>Thanks for your reply. Your encouragement really helps. I do talk with my H and he tells me to talk with him about anything that I need to but he too is suffering (very sorry for the pain he has caused me). I hate to keep bringing things up so I just try to suffer alone.<BR>

SWALLEY<BR>A very wise lady has told me many times that having compassion for your h is one of the most important steps to recovery. <BR>So you have obviously taken that step that is so hard for many. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!<BR>There is your first reason to start feeling good about yourself!<BR>I think you can share your feelings with your H without dwelling on the affair.<BR>Just let him know you are feeling a bit down and could use a hug. Don't make a big deal of it. Make a habit of it.<BR>Let him know you want him to share his feelings too. You would be amazed at how much better it makes you feel to help him. And that makes the communication better.<BR>believe in yourself and the process. it can make your marriage better than you ever imagined!!!!!

Swalley please keep us posted on how things progress, personally my reasons are that I am the H in your situation and my affair was a long time ago but my W just found out a few months ago and says she is having a hard time dealing with it and I wish to understand her side so that I may help if possible. I have posted that she is currently living with OM, but for some reason this does not sadden me as much as the fact that she has feelings for him. The sexual encounter part for some reason I can handle, the loss of love for me and redirected to another I can not. Please keep me informed.<BR>

Swalley<P>Sorry for the pain your going through.<BR>I can only imagine what your feelings are, as I disclosed to my wife 4 years ago affairs that I had prior to 1992.<P>The first thing I would suggest is to GREIVE WELL. Do not try and suppress the pain that your feeling. It will not just go away. Do not run from the pain, it will only make the problem worse.<P>Seek out a counselor who can help you deal with what your feeling. Your Husband loves you and wants to help you heal, but its going to be up to you, and how you choose to deal with this painfull experience, that will matter most in the healing process.<P>Draw strength from your faith. If you have not developed the spiritual side of yourself,<BR>it would be a great time to start. Theres a lot of comfort in knowing God will help you get through this. You need all the help you can get, don't try and go it alone.<P>Do not feel that you are alone in dealing with this. There are many women & men that have already gone through what your now feeling. Your feelings are all normal. Your not going crazy, it just seems that way.<P>Be kind to yourself. Be patient. Remember that grieving is a process. There will be days when you feel like your moving forward, days when you feel stuck, and days when you feel your going backwards. It is usually not a lineal path that you will take. So do not get upset with yourself if you start re-experiencing emotions that you thought you had already dealt with. Its just part of the roller coaster ride of emotions that you will feel.<P>Read books on infidelity. There are many good ones out there. For myself, the more knowledge I have on something, the easier it is for me to understand and make since of it The better you understand what led to your husbands infidelity, the better chance of preventing it from happening again.<P>My wife did not do many of the things that I have suggested. She has been running from the pain the last four years, compulsive shopping, gambling, and now is seeking a divorce. I realize that she may never be able to forgive me for what I have done. I can except that. My hope is that she will do what is necessary for her to free herself from the ongoing pain.<P>A good book to read is, "Love Is Letting Go of Fear" by Jampolsky<BR>Keep in touch with people on this site, they are priceless. <P>

Swalley...I have felt exactly the same way as you do. My H & I are in 6 months of exposure and recovery. At first, it is hard to accept what happenned. It is still a shock to your system and the once blind trust and innocence in your marriage is forever gone.<P>But, it does get better, as long as you do not suppress your feelings. You need to grieve and heal. My H was very supportive about joint therapy. If you aren't in it yet, then it would help to go. If he won't go with you, then go alone.<P>Whenever I feel depressed about what happenned, I express my feelings to my H and he is compassionate and understanding. He is still grieving about it too, even though he is the betrayer. It helps to talk about your feelings with your spouse.<P>Another thing is that the book, "Surviving An Affair" helped too. It will help you understand the process. If your H reads it too, then it will be better for both of you.<P>When I first found out about my H's affair, I felt ugly and unattractive. I would actually go look in the mirror and cønvince myself that I was ugly. My H would keep telling me that I am a beautiful person, inside and out....and that there wasn't anything wrong with me....it was him who made a bad decision and did the wrong thing.<P>Soon after, I started doing things for myself again. I made sure I fixed my hair, put makeup on even if I wasn't going anywhere. I treated myself, did fun things with friends.....I started to like myself again.<P>The grieving and healing process takes TIME. While in this process, take care of yourself...talk to your husband about your feelings, read books...so that you'll understand that this is all a normal process.<P>It will get better....really it will. Your marriage will never have that innocence that it once had, but it can get better. Best of luck to you....

i'm right in the middle of that grief time, and it seems to last forever. my concept of time is all screwed up, it seems to creep by ever so slowly and pain is always there. i like the advice given to you here. the intense pain won't last forever, otherwise all these people would tell us, right?

neen<BR>You are right!! We wouldn't be saying this if it wasn't true!!!<BR>I really understand what you said about the concept of time being all screwed up.<BR>When I finally went on meds in May I told the Dr. I just wanted to know what day it was or even what month.<BR>Yesterday I realized I almost remember what NORMAL feels like. I didn't think I 'd ever feel normal again.

Thanks to all of you for your replies, insight and advice. It helps to talk here. I have talked to noone else but my H and God both of whom I rely heavily upon to get me through this. Actually, I thank God for giving me difficult times in my life because it helps me to be more humble, more understanding of others and their problems and brings me closer to him. Even with all the pain that my H and I have gone through and continue to go through, we have never been closer or more unselfish toward each other. For all of you who may not have God in your life - please allow him to help you through life's difficult times - he is there and he loves each and every one of you - and he will help you if only you will let him.<P>May God Bless You All.