I just finished reading up on a thread about MLC...
I went to the link and took the test for my H, he scored a astonishing 62. Is this a real possibility, that I am confusing a MLC as an A?

He recently turned 30, has the added stress of a life long medical illness (diabetes) and is in the process of trying to make the business his father began to run into the ground thrive and has done a damn good job of saving the business and is about to double the business' size and more than double its value.

He also has the stress of his father's illness and that he is to take over the business entirely as his father is slowly phasing himself out.

I also saw a thread refering to (I dont remember exactally what they called it, I lost the thread and cant find it again) but something like "rescue syndrome" or something.
That is so my H. If there is some way that he can help someone or so something for somebody he is the fist in line to do whatever he can to help that person.
I dont know, maybe I am getting my hopes up, but this makes so much more sense to me and knowing the type of person that my H has been for all these years....and then if this is the case then it sure adds lots of insult to injury when I went asking him for weeks if he was still in love with me, and asking him and his mother if he was having an EA with this OW.

Maybe his actions have been truley innocent. And maybe once again I am fooling myself.

The rescue syndrome - or Knight in Shining Armor syndrome often leads to affairs. I think your husband is having at least an EA.

What are some of the things he complained about before this woman came to work for him?

Hi -

What type of crisis sitch is the OW in? And yes, trying to "help" someone out can turn into an EA if the WS allows it to happen. If EN's were not being met by the spouse, etc. Tragic events and illnesses can also trigger Affairs as well.

Sounds like your H has a lot to deal with.

Good luck,

Kim

It would be GREAT if it were true. We are soooo used to telling people to trust their instincts but you are very pregnant right now so maybe, just maybe your intincts are off. HE IS BEHAVING INAPPROPRIATELY with this woman at the office and helping damsels in distress is dangerous. IT IS AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR which can be just as damaging and even harder to get the WH to admit as wrong.

You should be to the bottom of it soon enough. Just stay numb and don't get your hopes up either way.

Mr. Wondering

I read up on MLC when my H was having his A, too. I even bought the book "How to Survive Your Husband's Midlife Crisis." The one thing the book is very clear on, however, is AGE. There was another woman in there, talking about how even though her H was young (early 30's), they had been married a long time, and had kids early, so maybe not in years but in experience he was old enough to have a MLC. And the book said, "Nope." They said at least in the early to mid 40's.

And, my H's A started with my former best friend in part because he wanted to "save" her. He wanted to be her White Knight, because she was a single mom, and she Admired him so much for his efforts. That, mixed with secrecy and hiding, is a dangerous mix.

On your part, Denial is dangerous. I don't think, after reading what you just posted above, that you have been making all your fears in your head. You seem intelligent, compassionate, and very proud of your H's accomplishments. Would you classify yourself as generally a jealous/suspicious person?

My H and former best friend carried on thier EA, then PA, right under my nose. And even though I KNEW, and I found several very suggestive emails and lies about calls and such, I really really really wanted to believe that they weren't lying to me.

Sometimes, you gotta go with your gut.

Spidey

MLC doesn't mean he's "innocent"! It means there's an underlying reason for his actions. Really, when you think about it, it's pretty much the same thing. Here at MB we talk of OPs being an addiction, and what is an addiction? Self-medication. Self-medication for what? That's when you get thinking. MLC is a severe depression (often containing a physiological component). In a man's case the symptoms of depression are completely different to the "classic" symptoms of depression, which are most often seen in women.

Hmmm. Can you think of a way you might need to be rescued? Honestly, anybody with an unfaithful spouse seems to need rescuing. If he heard your story annonymously, would he say "somebody ought to help that woman!"?

-AD

No, the "maiden in distress" thing is about attitude, not about situation. No way on earth would I EVER qualify as a maiden in distress. Despite the horrendous pain of all of this, sometimes to the point of barely functioning, I could never have come across as a maiden in distress. I have always been self-sufficient and frankly, although I have without a doubt needed my H, I couldn't manage the kind of ego-stroking that a maiden in distress does. A maiden in distress is actually a predator in disguise. She appeals to the protective part in a man. He sees himself reflected in her eyes - fresh eyes, not the eyes of a woman who has seen years upon years of the warts-and-all - and suddenly he's not middle average male, but... TA-DAAAA!!! The Knight in Shining Armour. He's not just wanted, he's needed, and it's a powerful combination when coupled with fresh eyes. See, what men at midlife really, REALLY want is to reinvent themselves. It is all about the fantasy, about being seen with new eyes, and for men, about being the man you want to be rather than the man you actually are. I once heard David Schnarch say something like, "Men have affairs and say to their lovers, 'My wife doesn't understand me', whereas the truth is that their wives understand them all too well, and know them better than anybody. That's the appeal of the affair: a person that DOESN'T know and understand them, so that the man can reinvent himself."

Well, you know all that - and still, my question remains.

Why not figure out a way to need him? He needs to be needed.
If you don't feel like you need him or think you need him, he knows it.

-AD (47 yo guy)

I'm not sure how this thread became about me and my needs, but let me just say that I absolutely need my WH, in more ways than I care to list here. He knows the ways I need him; believe me I'm not the kind of person to stay with a man for 21 years if he doesn't meet my needs! He has the kind of intimate knowledge of me and my needs that has always made him a VERY secure and confident man in our relationship. And yet I'm not a maiden in distress. I have a great healthy sense of self, and high self esteem; I am not a victim. I refuse to see myself as one, even though I have without a doubt been victimised. Damsels in distress do not fit this description.

And furthermore, I do NOT have those fresh eyes, and he CANNOT reinvent himself with me (he can grow, which takes time and effort, but he can't "reinvent" himself overnight which is what WSs try to do with OPs). Being a maiden in distress isn't about having needs, it's about playing a role. I will not, WILL NOT play a role. He has seen me in pain over his actions, he knows how much I have suffered over his withdrawal of himself from my life, but that's as far as it can go; I will not play the sympathy card that damsels in distress play. I do NOT want a man to be with me because he feels a need to "rescue" me. I do not need rescuing. Ours was a marriage of equals and I will not settle for less. My WH fell in love with a woman of strength and great self-esteem who opened her tender heart and willingly submitted herself to the vulnerability of true intimacy. WH did the same, and for 21 years we saw ourselves as the luckiest of couples. I will not exchange such a past for the fool’s gold of a relationship such as the one between the damsel in distress and knight in shining armour, which is built on crisis and nothing else. Relationships with crisis as their foundation do NOT last.

If getting our marriages back was as easy as the WSs acting like we needed rescuing (from our WH's own actions, no less!) none of us would be here right now.

This is exacly what's happened to me! She's a single mom, a total damsel in disterss whose XH doesn't support or give any emotional help at all so my H has helped her with things around the house etc. which has led to this road, all right under my nit wit nose. I have been such a fool.

I have stopped all contact with her and am plan "a" ing my fanny off and making sure as much as I can to keep him away from her.

Ok, anybody got a link or something to this rescue syndrome thing???? My H fits the bill BIG TIME!

FOW wasn't a single mom, but she was an "acting" single mom, with her H away for two years with the military. She needed someone to save her from her misery, and my H started out wanting nothing more than to help his best friend (her H) out by checking up on her. Backfired when he got VERY addicted to being "needed".

Knight in shining armor thing? No joke. I'm too independent. Too "strong". Too able to handle life while he's not here. I'm a military wife, what can I say? It's a double-edged sword, trying to survive as a married single parent but still staying "needy" enough to keep H feeling like he has someone to rescue. I'm not the damsel in distress--RiverTam wasn't kidding--it IS all about attitude. I wish it were something that could be turned on and off.

As for the MLC thing, well, I'm intrigued...H and I started our marriage VERY young, we had TWO kids before we left our teenage years behind us, so we've got as much life experience as most people ten years our senior. So if it's ALL about age, I've got one doozy of a decade ahead of me. Lovely.

Heidi this is what you wrote in your first post:

"Also, he says its all my fault that he is so distant from me lately and the cause of all the problems, he says I cant come to his office anymore cause my kids are too disruptive (and even when I have been alone and asked to come he says its not a good day for that)(I showed up one day me and the kids and he was there by himself with her - she immediately got up and left for the day) I also caught him at the office just the 2 of them and he said he didnt know she was going to be there, he thought it was just going to be him and Mike (who only lives 2 min from the office) he said that Mike just ran out to get them some breakfast and he'd brb, I had the kids in the car so I couldnt just run into the office...I was crying and angry and told him just not to lie to me, he had the blinds closed and he said its cause of the glare (its f'n gloomy winter in chicago NO SUN!!!) btw this happened the day after xmas, he said he had all freight to move for a client of Mike's ( I called the co. he mentioned and they were closed that day) he printed out some oreders and said see this is what we were working on.

I feel like he is just staying with me till the baby comes. He says that he wants me to get the house we live in finished and on the market by the end of Feb cause it has too many bad memories from last year and he wants to move into a small condo that is 1/4 the price and size of our current home, he says that he will be more comfortable there and that should he decide that he wants to leave me 6 months down the road the kids and I will have a nice condo to live in and not have to worry about it cause it will already be paid for."




Okay now this beahvior is not someone who is "JUST FRIENDS"with the OW.

Why would he want to leave you in 6 months??

Red flags going up all over the place.

Please take the advise that you have been given here and cover all your bases if not for you....your unborn baby and children.

I am such a wishful thinker, and a damsel in distress, my husband rescued me the day he met me and I rescued him as well. I dont think that is a negative thing, or something that dooms your marriage to failure. I think it is and was a strong positive thing that we always had a need for each other and always had strong rolls in taking care of each other, providing for each other emotionally, financially, spiritually, in every way you can, we were as close as could be and cherished each other.

Yes I know I am fooling myself to even try and think that there is not an A of some nature going on, however the MLC thing I think is a for sure even at 30, and I think that is just at the root of it, when you add in the stress of the new problems that he has developed in the past year as a result of his diabetes, and the stress of taking over this company and the need to have it continue to be successful beacuse he will not only now be responsible for providing for me and the kids, but he will be dooming his parents too if he was to cause the business to fail after taking it over.

His grandmother developed cancer beginning of Dec., and his father and mother are at an age where they are have new and challenging illnesses of their own.

Add to that a house to come home to that is under major construction, a new expensive car, two young children, and a baby on the way, and a wife that needs his support - and I think that is a prime recipe for a MLC and everything that seems to have followed it.

The times that he looks around after coming home and has the need to just get away and blow off steam...I can understand all of that.

But I think that the Rescue Syndrome that may have started out innocently with the OW has turned into something else, that which I have a feeling that he is actually disgusted with himself about and has a strong feeling of guilt. I can see it in his face (when I get him to look me in the face that is). When I tell him to look deep in his heart and know the person that I am, the person that he fell in love with, the person that has been there for him for always...for that brief period of time I think he actually remembers and actually sees, but then it all too quickly slips away when he rushes off to work in the morning to go to breakfast with the OW. Most of the time when he talks to me now he cant even look at me. And I know thats why.

The only time he can look at me is when he tells me how wrong I have been and that I am the one killing our marriage.

I have always taken care of my H and supported him on every level. With the construction on half our house it has made meeting some of those needs near impossible, and I believe lead to others being more difficult to keep up with and thats about when everything started going wrong.

I spent the entire day yesterday laying myself out, straightning all the edges, and brushing myself off after each time I got stepped on. I was quite the impressive doormat yesterday. I even went to bed with him last night knowing that he spent the day lying to me, and then spent the night lying to me, and I kissed his back and neck and even tried to be sexually suggestive but not overdoing it because I knew he wouldnt go there anyhow, but I still did it. I was really proud of myself for managing to do all of that all day long.

But it still kills me in the middle of the night when I wake up crying my eyes out and when I get out of bed in the morning and see my kids sleeping in their beds, and look at my giant belly and think of the things to come if this doesnt get better soon.

He told me this morning that if i wasnt pregnant he'd be gone. And that if we could sell the house today and went and bought this "condo" he speaks of that everything would be better and he'd go stay at his parents house.

I feel like I am dying inside, and the person that used to love and care for me jsut doesnt anything anymore.

Instead he is a self-centerd, self-important, me me me, shell of the man that I know and love. I wish there was a magic mirror that I could stand him infront of, but even when its put in his face, he still doesnt see, he has become blind to me, blind to the kids, blind to our unborn baby.

I went through this blindness last year due to massive depression (I did not have an A), and the reason I find my self able to have hope is that I was able to see the light and look at my husband and kids and life and come back before the divorce that I had filed for had a chance to go through.

I hope that my H is able to get past his blindness and find his way to the light, in the mean time i'll continue to try my best to be best doormat I can be.

The OW is the wife of an abusive husband, whom she has supposidly filed restraining orders against, and also supposidly filed for a divorce from. They are not very well off financially, and live in a trailer home in a less not so nice area.

She amazingly lost her job at the exact same moment that my H wanted to fire someone at his company, and next thing I know he is smiling ear to ear about being able to hire her, and help her out so very much by giving her this job. A job that she had zero experience with, and a job that he and his father usually require industry experience and a book of business for. But my H made the exception for her.

She actually called him one day from the office while he was at home, because the kids and I were all very sick, to ask him how to send an email.

I think the sickest part is that my H would come home and tell me how much she is like me. First off she looks like a shorter version of me, and apparently has many similarities to me, enough that my FIL has even pointed out that she is a lot like me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> thats just sickening.

I suggest you take a look at this site:

http://fortysixty.invisionzone.com/index.php?act=idx


take some time to read through the posts and you will find your "Knight in Shining Armour" theory is prevalent with men in MLC...

On what grounds did you file for divorce last year and what steps were taken for reconciliation? Did you guys do counseling or was everything just kind of swept under the rug?

You're spending a lot of time trying to figure out why. I did to...I thought my wife was exhibiting her first manic episode and that she had become or was bi-polar like her father. I spent a lot of time researching all the mental health sites. It doesn't matter. He was ripe for an affair and the opportunity arose. There is a good thread on "just found out" about the steps to having an affair...how it goes from friendship, to emotional affair to physical affair. None of this is your fault and his affair really has nothing to do with you. You are not inadequate in any way and deep inside all those feelings for you are still there but "comparmentalized" away to avoid unnecessary feelings of guilt as guilt feelings ruin the high he is getting from his addiction to OW.

Mr. W

I feel like I am dying inside....

Last year I moved from my brand new home in Kenosha, WI where my we had all made lots of friends, friends that I saw on a daily basis and then some. My kids and their kids played together, we had bbq's. Went out socially together, it was the best. Except for one thing, my H's commute. When we chose to move their in 2000 right after my daughter was born, he thought he would be working for his company at a location close to there (he was a medic at the time and a manager for a large ambulance co at the time).
Then his father took ill and gave him the opportunity to come and work at his co. learn the business and eventually take it over, after some discussion he went there.

The commute however became a nightmare, sometimes with bad weather and bad traffic it could take him 3 hours to get home. So we decided to move to a house that is 5 minutes from his office, the house $ is like 4-5 times more than our previous house and everything in bad condition and needs to be replaced. But the benefit of his commute and the amount of time he'd now have to himself and the family was worth it.

The thing I was most worried about was my daughter, she was leaving her friends that she saw every day, and now she would have to start all over again. We moved in to the new house the day after our 6 yr anni. We couldnt have been more excited for things to come, then in nov. my birthday rolled around and after the depression started to hit me like a ton of bricks, except I didnt know it. I had never had it this bad before. Looking back, its all very clear to me now, i wish i had know then.

At any rate, my husband began nit-picking me to death. In the heat of the worst depression of my life, he started to tell me everything I was doing wrong, and all the things that I was bad at, and why couldnt I pay him some attention, and what the f*** is wrong with me (btw he knew that I suffered from depression and so did his parents who told him thats what they thought it was---but nobody said anything to me about it). I stopped doing everything I loved and stopped wanting to be with the ppl that I loved the most. I didnt care about much at all. Not even myself.

For about 2 months my husband would keep at this nit-picking, and begging me to pay him some attention. And then on xmas eve he said he was leaving, he went a checked into a hotel i couldnt believe he left, and made me feel even more devistated. He came back home about 4 hours later (a lot of what happened back then is a blur so im trying to remember as much as I can) Im not sure what happened I remember I was crying a lot. I think he spent the night here. The next week was lots of fighting, and then after new years he packed almost all his stuff and moved out. Hed come home to see the kids a couple nights a week, and one night begged me to work on things to please pay him attention and please please please stop doing all the things that I was doing that he was nit-picking me about.

I was chatting with a bunch of ppl online which was new to me. Keep in mind that I had no idea of the depression I was suffering from. I was telling them how he was acting to me, but nothing of me suffering from a depression. Lots of advice to separate and get a divorce later, I called an attorney and crying my eyes out filed. I didnt know what was going on. I was goint through actions but it didnt even seem like it was me that was there. I wasnt me at all.

That was mid-jan. I dont know what happened next but one day I woke up and things seemed clearer becuase I realized that I was about to lose everything I cherished so much. By beginning of Feb. I was calling him asking him to come over, asking him to go to dinner with me...we spent valentines together and I told him that I wanted and needed him back in my life. We got back together a few weeks later and slowly started to repair the damages.

I asked about a MC and he said no. He had been to therapy before, and he didnt think it was very helpful and thought it was mostly a bunch of bs. Things went along well, we went on vacation in the end of april and thats when I got pregnant. We came home and spent the summer having fun and good times, and continuing to work on rebuilding. I asked again about the MC about aug. he said no again same answer but if i wanted to hed go, I thought that having a negative attitude wouldnt help so we didnt go. everything was still going well. then spet./oct. hits. and eveything went downhill.

Everything I have described about MLC seems to apply. Most of the events that would spur on something seemd to be building up then and culminating in nov. thats when the OW was hired. And my H turned into superman. Now hes off trying to save eveyones day but mine. I suggested MC again, and this time he agreed to go, but says why didnt I push for it sooner.





I have to go...so sorry, part 2 later. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

He is way too young for a mid-life crisis.

I would think he has had lots of resentment and anger directed towards you from all the years of not meeting his needs for affection etc. I understand that you were depressed and unaware. (by the way, you should look at your nutrition and introduce some Omega 3 fatty acids into your diet (a good quality fish oil or cod liver oil). Have you ever apologized for your lack of care you exhibited when he was begging you for attention.

He probably found that he has more fun when he is away from the home than when he was with you.

It's great that you had a good summer together. But then the other woman is around and it was probably easy to justify the friendship because of the resentment he had from years of neglect...even with the few great months. I am not saying he was justified; he wasn't. People in affairs justify and feel entitled. It just helps explain his behavior a bit.

You need to be doing a great plan A.

Here is a link to a book that may be of help with depression: Depression-Free Naturally

Im sorry I dont remember making a statement about neglecting my husbands needs for years, if I did in someway imply that I certainly mispoke. There was no years of neglect in our relationship, on eithers behalf. The only time I was not meeting his needs emotionally is while I was suffering from that massive depression last december and part of january. Prior to that both he and I agree life was absolutely wonderful.

And yes I have apologized to him in as many different ways as I can come up with. And it wasnt just a good summer, its been good since we got back together all the way until now. Even Nov. wasnt bad, but I knew something was wrong, and started to try and reasure him of my love for him, and taking time to go the extra mile for him. It wasnt until Dec. that all ****** broke loose with him.

And I have talked to several doctors and a Psy. who all say that in men MLC can happen as young as 30. So he is not too young to be having one, especially with all of the factors that I have previously noted as contributors.

Also my nutrition is doing well, and I take proper vitamins daily as given to me by my doctors, and pregnant women cannot have too much of certain fishes in their diet due to the mercury levels. I do normally take fish oil pills and had been advised off of them while I am pregnant.

Sorry if im being defensive..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I looked back up at my post and maybe the time frame seems confusing, maybe this makes it easier to understand.
We moved to Chicago-area in Aug 2004
My depression started Dec 2004
He moved out beginning Jan 2005
I filed for divorce mid Jan 2005
We got back together mid Feb 2005
He moved back in end of Feb 2005
everything was great until Nov/Dec 2005

December is really when his weird behavior turned to hate and anger towards me. With occasional bits of niceness.
Now mostly just lots of confusion <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> He sends so many mixed messages telling me he wants to be with me and work things out and wants to divorce me and be separate all in one breath. I hardly know which end is up anymore.