I have pasted my initial post to this forum.

"My husband travels alot with his job to all parts of the world. We have been very happily married for 12 years. During an overseas trip in April he met someone, and it did not appear the relationship progressed until June on another overseas trip where the OW was also on business. Came home, depressed, and went to the UK for work/pleasure in early August. Turns out this is where OW lives and spent 7 days with her. On the day he came home, confessed and said he could not live with his betrayal and needed to move out and clear his head - right!! Apparently the sex with her is amazing and he has never felt like this before. Since then he has been very emotional and has to visit regularly to maintain the property (land) and also use the computer for his work. Sees his two boys regularly and has had them to stay in his temporary housesitting arrangement a few times. About 3/4 weeks ago on another overseas trip where we holiday as a family, I received a text to say that being there was a big reminder what he had given up. Since then there have been numerous other emotional scenes, with tears on a number of occasions, which I have never seen before in our 15 years of being together. Has two days ago returned to the UK for two weeks. Gave him the Joshua Coleman "A family man thinks twice" to read, and he has since emailed me to say it was "very good and has made him think". Other woman is 12 years his junior and their plans are for her to visit (we are on the other side of the world) for a month in January and then relocate here in April next year. She has never been here before, single and knows noone except him here. Before this trip they have been in each other's physical company for less than two weeks, and have just txted/phoned probably most days. I intend being firmer about Plan B upon his return if he is no clearer in his head. Two days before he went on this trip he phoned "to speak to the boys" and when he couldn't contact us, rang every 15 minutes for nearly three hours. Doesn't appear to want us yet, but has admitted finding it very difficult to let go. Any thoughts on what he could be thinking would be appreciated. "

We are now at the January stage where she is visiting for a month. Xmas was fairly strained and husband was most upset that his mother has shown more support for the boys and I rather than her own son. He believes blood should be thicker water no matter what.

They have today left to go overseas for business and won't be back for two weeks, after which OW will leave to go home until April when she will relocate permanently. Not sure why the delay as I would have thought that if they couldn't live without each other ASAP would be the preferable option. Not as though I am going to be told the truth though.

Husband is close to signing a separation agreement which is more than favourable and while it will be hard for him to sustain financially, will keep us living in our current way of life. He also wants our boys two days a week and has offered to help with their schoolwork on 1/2 days per week.

I need some ideas on how I should be behaving around him for the next couple of months when he will again be on his own. Before OW visited, he has found it difficult to visit without some physical interaction. He quotes "can't expect me to just shut the fridge door after 15 years". To my mind, if she is that special, that's exactly what he should be doing!!

I know that living with OW will be the real test and for someone that hasn't had children, having mine a couple of days a week is not going to be all roses. I need to remain friendly to make sure we are provided for financially, but would appreciate the expert comments I have read here on how to deal with the coming months.

Anyone's thoughts on whether this relationship is likely to work would also be appreciated.

I would be sure to get the financial agreement signed while he is close to doing it. They often change their minds.

Have you done a good Plan A?

I know how important the financial agreement is. Have had plenty of advice to get it in place before OW arrives as then all the rules will change.

While I have tried to Plan A as best as possible, he is the sort of person hellbent on doing what he started, however has confided to one friend that he thinks he is giving up more than OW and that they will be up against it. OW is 12 years younger than husband, who is 44, and while he is adamant that he wanted no more kids, apparently OW does want children and he is aware that he will have to go there. Hard to believe they made these decisions after spending two weeks in each other's company. All their contact to date has largely been in hotels and the next two weeks will be no exception.

first off you must must must read about plan a and b..

you must expose your husbands affair to his company and hers....as they are using resources other than their own...(yours as well) to carry on their fantasy affair...

you must establish and verbalize strong strong boundaries and make it clear to your husband without powerstruggling your refusal to be part of their sick twisted triangle....

you need to discourse with your husband and find out his silly "reasons and justifications" for the affair and address those issues on your end to diffuse....

and most importantly you must must must must must....
change this way of thinking....

having mine a couple of days a week is not going to be all roses.

your children are not to be used as pawns to be catalysts to burst the fantasy bubble...in such a way...

what their father is trying to teach the children is that when adults become tired or bored or any other adjective you want to add her...grownups can just go out and replace them...

that commitment and marriage do not matter but what does matter is that grownups are happy and indulged...

you let your children go to them and pretend this normal and OK..they will lay awake at night in fear that if they themselves displease the grownups in their life...they can and will be replaced....

this is NOT the time to hand the children over to such a blatant irresponsible damaging adult...

and YOU must stand as the gatekeeper and stop his insistance...that this is normal and OK...

your husband is acting on a his happiness comes first mode...
and will be soo confused when everyone doesn't just want his happiness...

his own mother can see it more clearly than you...

I would rather lose my husband than condone him damaging my children...

while away you seek legal counsel and put in place evey legal block that is available..

NO OVERNIGHTS WITH DADS GIRLFRIEND WHILE MARRIED...!!!!!

Can you see it
do you get it.....

do not condone his irrational fantasy thoughts...

read this site..
read surviving an affair
read read read...
and become the only responsible adult in those children lives and take no part of handing them over to him and his cruel selfishness....

the scariest thing you see round here...is totally unacceptable behaviors of a WS becoming accecptable to the a BS....
you think fogged up WS are scary..
fogged up BS willing to go belly up on some things is way way more scary....

fight for what is decent .
fight for the right of the children to have stability and and not forced exposure to a strange women...

be the adult to the children...
and if and when your husband starts acting like a MAN then you can worry about him...

right now the children need you...

ARK

Thank you for your comments. I have exposed fairly extensively over this side of the world, and as my husband is a public profile in his industry, many are aware of his actions. I am sure his profile is the main attraction for OW but being a public profile is one thing, living in the real world is another. Initially he thought he would be 'old news' by now, but by exposing this hasn't been the case.

As regards to the boys, they are only 6 and 8 and want to spend time with their dad at his place too. That has been fine while he has been on his own, not sure how they will react come April. My separation agreement does let him have generous access and I am trying to think of my boys spending time with their dad, rather than using them as pawns.

Right now I am concentrating getting the financials signed and sealed, as protection for the three of us will give us some stability.

I am sure my husband will be his own worst enemy. Already while she has been visiting his computer broke down and who copped the brunt of his frustrations - me. Told him firmly the next day I won't be treated with such little respect and keep his frustrations within his own four walls. I am sure he is so torn with guilt that it is easier to blame me to help justify his behaviour.

Husband has just texted to see when is a good time to speak to the boys. He has never ever rung them when he has been away before, only since he has moved out of the house. I have let him previously talk to them, but as he is away with OW, I am reluctant to respond to his txt. Do I let him ring and speak to them? Can't help but think it is a "look at what a great Dad I am" to the OW. Only been gone a day!

One suggestion is to let him know that as long as he is in the company of a wanted woman, you feel it w/b 'bad association' to allow the boys to speak to someone who is being disrespectful to the family. End of story.

NO leeway for the WS. Expect him to balk. Stick to your guns.

JMHO,
L.

I told him that I would contact him if they asked to speak to him, knowing full well they wouldn't. He came back with 'what if they don't ask', to which I replied that 'when you put them third, that is a risk you have to take'. Haven't heard since.