I found out about the affair my wife had back in Oct. She said she did not have feelings for me for along time almost two years about the time the emotional affair started. It did not get into a PA until the last year or so and only twice (like that makes it any easier.) I have forgiven her but can;t forget about it and never will although it does get easier everyday, but latley it has been harder on me. She says she loves me and is in love with me and is happy we are together and that the affair is over when I found out about it. There has been no contact between her and the OM since Oct. when I found out. She chose to stay with me and to be with me and I need to hammer that into my thick skull. Okay here is my question. We had a talk last night and I asked her if she still had feelings for th OM yet. She said some but not like before and that each day is easier for her too. My question is this. Will she ever just love me again and have no feelings for the OM. Or will she always have some sort of feelings for this OM and I need to get used to the idea.

Mr. 4X4,

It sounds as though the two of you are working towards reconciling. Is that the case? If so, each day she maintains NC should be a step closer to breaking the addiction, for that is what it is. It is not OM, necessarily, that she is trying to get over, but the addiction to a fantasy that wasn't real.

As far as her feelings for you...have the two of you filled out the LB and EN Questionnaires?

It's a good sign that she was honest with you about where she stands regarding her feelings.

I wish she would fill that stuff out but will not do it. She will not go to MC...kinda on my own with this. We are together. I left on a Thursday and she called on that Monday and asked me to come home. My one big hang up is the no signs of love and affection. There is when I initate it but none from her very often. So I question if she loves me as she acts exactly the same as when the affair was going on. I told her how am I to know if you do or not as actions speak louder than words. You gace me the lip service for two years and are acting still in the same manner. I had no problem with the way things were before, but that was when I thought things were good. Understand what I mean? I told her about this and she said she would try a little harder but things are still pretty much the same there.

4x4,
I think she will always have "some" feeling for him, though it might not be love. Many A's start when a spouse meets an old flame that they ended a relationship with before, sometimes long ago. It rekindles. You may even have some too, but your not aware of it. That is why to protect your M we are advised to not keep close friendships with the opposite sex.

In addition, since she probably only shared the fun times with him, she will still have some sort of belief that he is all fun. She never saw him warts and all. She never had to discuss money with him, or clean up after him, or see him make a fool of himself. She only got to see him on his best behavior. She doesn't really know the whole him.

The things she doesn't know, she makes up. And usually the made up part is what her ideal man would be like. He never gets intoxicated, he always opens the door, never has gas, is never exhausted, always has money, etc. etc. etc. And that isn't just her, everyone does it to one extent or another.

The important thing is that you keep meeting her EN's and really really avoid the Love Busters. And help her do the same for you.

Whatever she ever felt for him will get very dim over the years, but because it "can" rekindle ... she must stay away from him forever. She must protect the M and herself.

What is her reasoning for not wanting to fill out the questionnaires?

If she absolutely refuses, you can fill it out for her by guessing, based on things she has told you she likes and dislikes.

I totally understand having a little higher standards for your M. Being presented with an A kind of changes the whole ballgame, doesn't it?

She just isn't into it. She has alwyas been that way no surprise to me about it really.

Hmmm...who wouldn't be into having their H meet their EN's and having him learn to love you the way you like to be loved???

I'm not sure I understand what you mean. Sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

I just meant that I don't understand why a woman (or anyone, for that matter) who is working on reconciling their marriage would be opposed to filling out the EN Questionnaire, which basically just describes for their spouse the ways that they can best show them they love them.

I know where I went wrong in our marriage. Boy did I do those busters and alot of them. I would name call and lose my temper and get mad over little things. Kinda hard to love someone like that. I have not called her one name since the affair happend and such and upped my meds to 40mg of prozac. She told me she is happy now and likes the changes so I think I'm doing alright on that aspect. She has always been more of the typical guy in the relstionship and me the women when it comes to stuff like this. She mentioned on the phone when I talked to her about this that she did'nt know maybe she just outgrew the showing of love and affection for me but she does love me very much. I think it has been so long she might have forgot. I told her it's kinda like a habit. I was in the habit of name calling and such and broke it. SHe gets into the habit of showing love and affection it will come. But who knows. There was times when we were like that but it was all before the affair happened thats why I question everything. I told her it's the small stuff I want and need. The slap of my butt on her way to the kitchen, the holding of my hand initiated by her stuff like that, not nesssarily sex.

As long as there is no contact, she will get over her feelings for the other man. So don't worry about that.

You are doing the best thing possible by eliminating love busters. Another thing that is necessary is spending 15 hours a week doing fun things together. That will help the two of you build up good feelings toward the other. So I would make it a top priority.

We spend time together each evening and on weekends...we never do anything apart. Sometimes we play cards with frineds or whatever but we are together. I made a commitment to tell her how much she means to me every single day. But it's hard sometimes to say it and never hear anything back but...the me too. thing

dgde4x4,

"Doesn't want to go to MC.......won't fill out EN questionairre"

No MC= Secrets

Sorry but I smell an A that is not over. These forums are filled, and I mean FILLED with BS's that make the same statement "I know the A is over and am POSITIVE there is no contact"

dgde4x4, please guard yourself as you continue to try to repair your M.