I have not had the courage to post on the open section until now but I have a question for everyone, especially Forevertogeather (I noticed you were recovered and happy). My H had a brief A (non emotional, physical, no sex). We have been married 5 years with no kids. How do you trust again? Sometimes I kind of freak out…I never expected this to happen to me. I filled my head with silly thoughts why I was save (we waited until marriage, he had been cheated on by an ex-girlfriend, etc.) but all proved to be wrong! I knew we were in a hard time in our marriage but I did not think it was that bad. Then things started getting better (he ended the A during that time). I found out later and just don’t know what to trust. Myself, him, if things look good, are they good, etc. Also, I work long days for busy season, I work in accounting and will have 12 hour days and maybe some weekends. I don’t know how I will get through some of my freak out moments with such long days! I have been praying but is there anything else I can do? Does time really heal this wound??
Thank you,
True2U

welcome to mb, it is the best place to be under these circumstances.

Please help by verifying a coupled of things.

It was a physical affair- not an emotional one, but they didn't have sex? There must have been a typo somewhere because that didn't make sense.

You can not give complete trust and he can not expect that. However, trust can be rebuilt a little at a time.

Have you read Surving and Affair? It is a great help.

Yes you are correct...it was a physical affair-not an emotional one but they did not have sex. Other things, but no sex.

We have been reading Serving an Affair and will start going to a councilor soon.

He does not expect my trust, he knows, and understands how much he broke it. We are working on the marriage but the hard part for me is my fears! I am so afraid it will happen again. He said it was like a moment of insanity and it would have never gotten physical if she had not been the aggressor (he does admit he responded so he is not taking away blame).

I just don't want to live a life in such fear it will happen again. Does it get better or will it always be this intense??

HI i am a little over a yr into knowing what my H did.At first it was just a kiss and that ehey almost had sex.Come to find out they had sex five times.He lied to protect me and out of guilt and fear i would leave him.

I do not know when i will trust him again.I wake up somedays like it just happened.I know one day i will.He has changed in so many ways.

People here says it could take yrs.It does get easier day by day.

For a while well actully i still do,keep tabs on him at all times.He calls when he leaves work.he calls alot from work.See i have kids,so for the past yr if he went anywere other then work someone was with him.Which he did'nt mind.
I still will pick up the phone when i get home and see the last number dialed or the last couple opf people who called

If seems like he is willing to work this out.Make up a plan that makes you feel safe when you can't be together.
Remember trust is something they have to earn.

We have such a great life now such a great love,I too am so scared it will happen again,If it does than it's not meant to be.For now i will just keep showing him how much i lobve him.I will let him make it up to me.

#1mom

Yes you can trust again.

Accounablility is the key. Your WH should be able to account for his time and actions, and you should be free to verify it anyway that makes you feel safe. If your WH has nothing to hide he should not mind that. You should be able to monitor his computer and telephone use, he should not just expect you to take his word any more. He has proven himself to untrustworthy. But overtime, he will, if he is earnest and committed, prove himself deserving of your trust again. And you will trust him, but you will not ever give him your blind trust again.

If he decieves you during this time and you discover it, woooooe, it will take even longer. There is no reason to lie. Lieing almost always has a selfish motive.

Thanks for all of your encouragement. I know it takes time but it is so odd how I will have a good day and then a bad day for no reason! We are doing all the right things.
My only problem with checking up on the internet and phone is it is easy to erase things. I know how to clear my history and my phone numbers called, so really, how do you do that?
For accountability, I also asked the one guy friend who know check in with him but they have not yet set up regular meetings. It is hard to have me be the accountability person as to protect oneself (or think you are protecting the other person) people can change the truth. But not so much to an outside person. Any additional ways to be accountable?

Get ready for the roller coaster ride... that's gonna happen for a while. What's worse is that you'll be walking in the store and then BAM!!! ...a trigger that throws you to the ground. Triggers are the worst because they come out of nowhere.

Your roller coaster days and triggers will happen less as time goes on because there will be some things you will start to become desensitized too. Once that occurs you can better deal with those moments because you'll develop more clarity on the topic.

Hang in there. Those bad days will become less in time.

He can call you on his way to work
Email you the moment he gets there
He stays at work for lunch and you guys talk via email for that time.
He emails when he's leaving the office.
Calls you the moment he gets to the car.
You review the cell phone BILL at the end of the month WITH him and he explains ALL incoming and outgoing calls that you have questions about.
He doesn't go out for dinners, drinks, whatever without YOU.
If you can't be there and if someone you trust can't go along he DOESN'T go.
He gives you full access to all of his user names and passwords.
You can secretly install a keylogger on the computer so that you can see if he's deleting emails, etc.
Drop by his office unexpectedly and ask him to go through his work email acct with you right then.

Need more?

Thanks for the encouragement Hopeful4future
Also, thanks for the suggestions Flukeboy. There are some challanges for a few, he own's his own business and works from home. Additionally, he sometimes has to travel for meetings. He checks in before and after a meeting because he understands those are really bad freak out days.

By the way, what is a keylogger??

Software that is relatively hidden that tracks every key stroke and records screen shots and such. Then you CAN go in and see his email.

Others here have used them and may be able to suggest particular ones.

I use spector pro
I works great