I have been married for 5 years to a wonderful women. Ever since we met, I have told her lies about myself. I didn't lie about who I was, just added stuff to make me seem more interested. Throughout our marriage I have lied about several stupid things. I also have a terrible addiction to porn (so very bad searches) that I could not shake on my own. I thought I had it all under control and thats when it happened. She left to go shopping one day and blam! There I was on the computer looking at pictures of young (legal) porn. She found out freaked out for the last time. She left me the day after Christmas and I don't know what to do. I have told her over and over again, through the years, that I would get help, but I never followed through with it. I am now getting counseling and have joined a support group. I want her to come back and go through marriage counseling together but she says it wont work. I am scared and alone and have no desire what so ever to look at porn again. How do I show her I am changing if she is in Michigan and I am in Virginia. How do I get her to understand that the things I looked at were just pictures to me and not desires? What do I do and does anyone think I stand a chance at getting her back?

Women need security and when a man lies to her, the security is gone and it is almost impossible to revive. It may not just be the porn and the lying, it may also be other things that have accumulated over the years and the last straw was your porn addiction.

If I were your wife I would need to see real change that lasts over time... not just empty promises. I would move to where she lives for a start and slowly step by step show her you are committed to the relationship but not to the point of harassing her.

Whether you can win her back depends on your commitment in part but also in part whether she has any intention of saving the relationship. A marriage works both ways, if only one party is willing, it might not be saveable.

First of all, welcome to MB. Wish it would be under better circumstances...

Second of all, if you are in counseling, they'd prbably help you better with this question than any of us here.

Thirdly, you can either use porn and be honest with her, or not use porn and be honest with her. You cannot have a healthy marriage if you are sneaking about with porn. Either be honest with her about your use of it, or do not do it. Read comments of other posters: it's more the lack of honesty then the porn. Work on the honesty.

Fourthly, if you had a "serious porn addiction", and you have no desire for porn now, realize that if she returns and resumes your life with you, you will still be drawn to porn. She probably figured this out as well, thus your promises about not ever using porn do not get any traction with her.

I agree with previous poster..it's not the porn so much as the lying. You need trust in a relationship. How can she trust you if you keep lying..start being honest and she might start to listen. If you think you'll go back to porn, tell her that too.

Hi Daniel, As a woman whos been in the same position as your wife. I hvae to say that for me at least it IS NOT JUST the lying. The porn and the impact it had on how I felt about myself, how I felt my h felt about me and in our case at least how it actually did alter the way he saw me hurt as much as the lying. Take it from me, ask your wife about her hurt (even though its hard) and listen really listen to what she says. I can almost bet you that the fact you turn to other women (even if you say their just on paper) feels like a betrayal to her and like she's not good enough for you. Think yourself lucky to have had a woman in your life who is enough in touch with her feelings to recognise this (perfectly natural response) rather than push it down and follow societies lead that its ok for men to use porn and woman should accept it. Believe me, it takes a proud and strong woman to stand up and say that she feels this and deserves better when society will call her insecure, sad, bitter blah blah, blah and many womaen take this on board smile and live with a deep resentment towards their h. If you want any chance to have a relationship with a woman like your wife you have to lift your standards and you need to be able to do this alone without her holding your hand. Then and only then is it possible (and I do say only possible) that she may consider you a man worthy of her. Best wishes.

hello Daniel, My H to has a promble with porn to. I know he watches it that's not a promble for me. My only issue is if after sex he later goes and watches his movies. It makes me feel as if sex with me isn't good enough with me. I hope you don't do that to your wife!!! When I talked to him about how it made me feel i found out from him there are things he wanted to do but didn't think i would do them.
You need to figure out why you watch them then ask her if you can tell her why you watch them. Hopfuly she'll will say yes.
The other reason my H watched them so much is i work nights and he works days. Most of the time he would think of me and i wan't there to take care of him and they were.

I hope she isn't to hurt to hear what you have to say.

This is writen by someone who is 31 has only been with one other person. So i was very shy about the whole sex thing and it pissed me off a lot that he needs to look at porn, but when i heard what he had to say I had to change to the way i to looked at sex just like i wanted him to. And if she loves you enough she will give you a time to learn why you need to do this so much.

Bj

Good luck