I need some serious help here.(men,please share your pov on this one,pleeease!) I am in a beautiful relationship, 4 yrs and I am still so thrilled to have the love of my life next to me when I wake up every morning.I cherish him with all my heart and soul. I don't always understand his thinking,and this is where I need a male pov. about us, we started out on shaky ground,though the love making was wonderful,the kind that makes you feel like the most beautiful,important,needed,and cherished person on the planet. now,on our 4th yr,the fighting is almost nil, we laugh more,we talk more,but his fire has gone out. and I have tried EVERYTHING!!! including giving HIM pleasure without expectation of intercourse. the problem is, he's never in the mood,unless I offer to pleasure him, and then he just goes to sleep and leaves me out in the cold,I am in no way obsessed with sex,on the contrary,it's not the sex I miss as much as all of the before and after intimacy,you know,where he pulls me close,touches and caresses me,kissing me (the breathtaking kind of kiss),I feel like he just doesn't desire me at all. I'm not an ugly person,i'm not overweight,I have never had a problem pleasing him before,(or anyone else before him)i'm not inhibited in the least, so when I say i've tried everything,I truly have.i'm beginning to wonder if I posess the wrong parts for him. I love him with my life,and I show him every second,for love has no room for pride,there's nothing I wouldn't do for him.It's gotten out of hand,i've actually had to beg,yes,beg,for him to make love to me.and if he does give in, it's just not even enjoyable for me,because I shouldn't have to humiliate myself for him to touch me. shouldn't he want to give himself to me? it's going on 2 months since we made love,and last night,after I slept on the couch the night before, we go to bed,and he says"get naked" now,turn off number 1, then, he just lays there and expects me to try and get him in the mood,(which should've been a good thing),but I actually had to check if he was even awake.needless to say (despite my best oral effort ever)nothing rose from the effort,and instead of him giving me attention, we got in an argument. I don't understand this. why is he so repulsed by the very thought of making love to me? I don't smell bad,I am very well groomed,( I even shaved my" "completely,at his request,which made me feel a little akward and uneasy,but I did it,and he is clueless to the fact that it made me uncomfortable to begin with.) i've gotten my body in shape,i make his lunch in the morning,take care of all of his needs,and this is what i'm met with. i'm afraid to even try to approach him about this anymore,he gets angry,and refuses to talk about it,and even blames me. someone please help me, I love this man with all that I am.

WOW, I am not a guy and I zm not one of the ones on here that has the great advice either, but let me start with are you meeting his needs in other ways? Have you assessed what they are to start that loving feeling before trying "feeling" the love?

I respectfully read this to my husband to gain his perspective. He said this is difficult because he doesn't know what it is that you argue about. There are many things that could come into play. Some things example: Do you have children.... and could he be concerned with you getting pregnant. This was a huge scare for my husband. After our 1st child, he was terrified I would get pregnant again. Knowing a little more about what is important to him will help to identify some of the problems that could be affecting your bedroom time.

I face a similiar situation although we have had more problems recently than you have had. I love him and desire him so much, but to no avail. I will watch your thread and see what good advice others might have. In the meantime, know you're not alone...

Don’t know if I can help... in most marriages it is the guy who wants to have sex all the time.

Assuming that he is healthy, and that there is no affair, the only thing that I can guess at is that you are smothering him. (Comedian Chris Rock summarized men's needs as: sex, food, and to be left alone; crude but not too off the mark.) Guys just like to be alone at times. Gray’s Mars/Venus book in the Rubber Band chapter goes into it in more detail.

I may be way off mark of course...

Hey, Lonely!

I am sorry that you are going through this. I agree with Averageguy. You may wanna tone down the attention some. Twice in my life I had realationships with someone who would literally do almost anything I wanted. After awhile, I ashamed to say, I started treating them both pretty badly. Also it is quite possible, though hard for me to understand, that SF is not one of his most important needs.

I am not saying stop trying to meet his needs. But rather make sure you are addressing his most important needs. And again cut back on the attention.

Good luck!

Every one likes a challenge. I am not saying to hold out on him. That is the worst thing to do. Maybe you are making him feel smothered. Back off a bit on mothering, show self confidence. be an equal. Dont stress about an affair, but pay attention. Never accuse of one, it will definately be on his mind if you do. Most men are wired for lovin. If he wants the oral from you, tit for tat. But yours first. If no change, pray he is open to discuss. If he wont talk to someone about it, it can be a long hard road. If he loves you as an equal, he must meet your needs. If he wont meet your needs, he doesnt see you as equal. Stand up and be aggressive towards his needs AND yours. Most men would love to be in his shoes. He knows it too. That is your advantage.

I was almost in tears when I read this to know that I wasn't alone... I am having the same problem with my husband and we have only been married 8months! If you want to talk to someone, feel free to e-mail me @ Luckylaura1981@yahoo.com
-Laura

I wish that I could help I have the same problem myself now it has been over a month

It was tough to read your post as a man who is having a similar issue. I have no desire for my wife of four years. Nothing she had done, we get along, no kids, no real problems. Just no sex, and I can't seem to care. It has been 8 months for us.
I have posted about it, and I will watch your post too. I wish you the best in finding an answer.

Wow, looks like I just posted in the wrong place! (I just put a pretty long one in another thread about this very thing) I am in the same place as you are, and I too, and at my wits end! I have been married four months,(we have been together on and off for five years) and we have sex once maybe twice a month after 3-5 times a week! I don't smother him. As a matter of fact, when I suggest time alone, he is completely against it. Personally, I feel like it's something with him, but I have no idea how to appraoch him with it anymore for fear of another argument and the despair that follows. Before we were married, we seperated becuase after a year without sex or intimacy of any kind, I had to find my sanity again. I was lost without him in the time we were apart. When he had a change of heart and asked me back, I was cautious because I didn't want to end up back where we were before. I explained this to him, and we spent countless hours going over what went wrong, and how to prevent it. When he asked me to marry him, I was confident that this was different, that ALL of our needs could be met this time. Now I am terrified that we are on the road back to what tore us apart before. It's going on a month now, and I can't keep pretending everything is all right. I know sex isn't what makes a marriage, but it DOES play a large role in one doesn't it? Please, someone has to have a solution or some insight. I miss my husband.