Hello all. Simple question but let me explain why. My FWW has had NC since early July-05. They met in a karaoke bar (roughly 30 miles from our home) just down the street of where she worked to which he also worked nearby. She has since then gotten another job nearly 40 miles from that location. She is now inconvenienced with a daily commute of 104 miles to-and-from work in Chicago traffic.

We went to a karaoke bar last weekend in our town and we both had the same concern... if OM would be there. He was not and we were both happy. Why were we concerned? Because last she heard xOM moved into his friend's house shortly after NC which is in the same town as us. We have never run into him and he has never known her true last name (only her business name) or our home address, so looking her up would not be obvious. FWW was told days after NC by that friend that xOM was going to move to St. Louis but could not do it at the time till he got enough money. He was always strapped for cash so not sure if that has ever happened.

For 6 months we have been constantly looking over our shoulders whenever we go shopping, get gas, food, etc. We both would just like to know if we can stop looking around so we can drive around in our own town and not be paranoid. She has a friend-of-a-friend that could ask about if xOM has moved. She is a trusted friend and former FWW and is supporting us during our very nice recovery.

Any input?

Ask this friend of a friend if she would get the information and give it to YOU instead of your FWW.

No temptation then for your wife, and you still have the information you need. While you're in recovery and doing well, there's no need to place this temptation on the FWW, especially when things are going so well.

I kept tabs on xOM for quite a while after NC and the end of the affair...still do occasionally. What is that quote again? "Keep your friends close..."

Excellent response Owl

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i agree, as a FWW, please don't put any of this on her. if it would be helpful to you to know, then you should get the info. if it is only for her benefit, and you are opposed to getting the info (which does not seem to be the case) then i would say, don't even find out.

but if you want to know and if you are comfortable with informing your W, then YOU get the info and share it with her.

keep in mind, this is just my gut response based on me personally.

OK, unfortunately I found out he did not move to St. Louis and is still at the same job. Our friend does not know if he moved out of his friend's house because she broke off the friendship with both guys (she hated what he did). Essentially, we still don't know if he lives in the same town as us.

Do I tell her that he is still in the area (but don't know where he lives) or do I hold back that info and take a chance of some day her running into him at the grocery store? FWW and I just want to be rid of this guy and enjoy our life in our hometown without the stress of wondering if he'll come around the corner.

FWW does have a way of finding out the truth of where he is at through a former friend. This woman will not talk to me because of things I said to her about supporting and encouraging the A while it was happening. Needless to say, I was not even CLOSE to being polite with my comments (that b!tch).

Personally I wouldn't ask info from a person who supported the A....it could all go horribly wrong and she could potentially talk with xOM amongst other things.

How about coming up with a joint plan of what you will do should you bump into him? I believe that if you practice your response it will come naturally....i.e IGNORE and hold each others hand as you go about your business.

Potentially my xOM could have been in our local area and I was PARANOID about seeing him at the supermarket so I do understand your concern. That constant looking over my shoulder has gone and if he has seen us he will know that we are very happy in our recovery.

I hope your worried feelings subside soon.

I think that StrongFoundation has the right of it...reaching out to someone who supported the affair is bad mojo...I would just let that ride if that's your only option.

Having a gameplan in place to deal with things if OM does turn up is a good call. My situation was an online EA between my W and OM...and so the first steps were to change logins and account names to minimize the chance of him sending her something. He quit playing the online game where we'd met him for nearly a year...but then turned up for a short time. He's still logging in occasionally, but my wife has very little worry of him knowing who she is now with the new names and such in place.

No worries about ever meeting him physically by accident here...he lives several states away. But I can definitly understand your worry. My suggestion is to follow SF's advice on a gameplan, and just keep focusing on rebuilding what you've got...who knows, by the time you DO run into him (if ever), you're wife will probably be totally amazed that she could have ever seen anything in him anyway.

So, it sounds like I should tell her that he is not in a different state and come up with a plan. If I didn't tell her he is still here she would question why we would need a plan and automatically assume he is still here.

Intelius does very well with people searches, and is not expensive.

Owl, it was reassuring to me that you still occasionally keep tabs on the OM. I am trying to find a balance between obsession and dangerous indifference. (Ok, my nature tends to lean more toward obessession, but maybe somebody else is different.)

I don't want to think of her any more than I have to, but as long as I live in the same area it makes me feel better to know that I can check up on her if I need to.

Thanks

Hopeful,

When you get back on can you go to Heidi1115's thread and post your contact information directly there rather than through Affairbusters?

The go or get on Affairbusters and post your contact information in the "Area and Contact info" thread so anyone in the future can contact you for help in Chicago.

Maybe she'll take you up on any assistance you offer, maybe not; but, we all would appreciate you offering her a helping hand. She's got a 5 and 3 year old and one on the way at the end of the month AND her WH is quite adept at avoiding her attempts to bust him.

Thanks,
Mr. Wondering