Thanks to LostInTranlation for letting me borrow most of her words. I'm not sure this is the love letter many people recommended, so I look forward to everyone's input prior to giving it to my WW.

Dear Wife,

Our marriage was once a source of joy, love, and nurturing not only for us and our daughter, but for our entire family and for many of our friends as well.

Adultery is like a cancerous tumor to a marriage and causes much pain, suffering, and destruction. When kept secret and hidden, adultery eats away at the marriage unhindered and damages the marriage’s ability to thrive, nurture, and spread joy just as an undiagnosed and untreated cancer can threaten our health and our life. When you have a cancerous tumor, you have the entire tumor removed and then follow a plan to heal the rest of the body and get strong and healthy again. You don’t ask the surgeon to leave part of the tumor intact so that it has a chance to spread and grow, making all efforts towards healing futile.

I have done everything I can to fight the tumor that has caused and continues to cause so much pain and suffering to me, our marriage, our child, and our family. I have done everything I can to convince you that our marriage and our family are worth saving, are worth healing. But I have lost hope that you will take the appropriate measures to give our marriage a fair chance at healing and becoming what it has the potential to be.

Who would have thought that you would have an affair with someone you work with? Who could ever have predicted that you would be diagnosed with an STD during the same time you were involved with another man. You’ve abandoned your integrity, your Christian values and your marriage vows. You’ve betrayed those that loved and trusted you the very most. You’ve sacrificed your daughter’s innocence and her security. All of this destruction has been made for the sake of a superficial fantasy, an escape from reality, a relationship that can not survive the light of day. Are there ever moments when you wonder had you invested your energy in our marriage instead of all the lies, deception, and manipulations necessary for your adultery, we would not be in this position? The only way I can possibly understand your behavior is to view your relationship with this other person as an addiction. It is easier for a person to give up all their values and all the good things in their life and put the blame somewhere else than it is to give up an addiction.

I know that what I am asking of you is difficult. I am asking you to give up your relationship with him completely and forever. I’m asking you to leave the security, comfort and friends you have at your present job, for you to make healing our relationship and family your number one priority. I ask that you help break down the walls that have been built up between us these past few years. That is the only way that I can be provided with a safe environment to heal from the pain and suffering that your betrayal of our marriage vows has caused me. It is the only way that we can rebuild a new marriage and restore love, honor, trust, and mutual respect. What I am asking of you is difficult, but not unreasonable and the demands I make on myself are no less --- to strive towards complete forgiveness, healing, and spiritual growth. I know that I am far from perfect, have my faults, and have made many mistakes. I understand that right now you can not understand all of the things I have done, and while I am not proud of all of my behavior, I can say that everything I have done has been with the purest of intentions. The goal was always to save our marriage and our family. I have been successful in making positive changes in myself, I have proven to myself that I can make them permanent, and I plan to continue on this path. Yet I am not only striving to make amends for my own mistakes. I am focused on doing the hard work necessary to help our daughter and myself cope with the wake of destruction that betrayal of trust has left in our lives.

I have on various occasions outlined a tried and proven plan for healing our marriage and turning it into a better, deeper, more fulfilling, and loving relationship than ever. The potential gains are tremendous and when compared to what we and our daughter have to loose, there is no question that I am willing to give this a try. Unfortunately, I see no signs that you feel the same. I now realize that your passive inaction is a decision. Instead of protecting your husband and child, you have decided to protect a destructive relationship and situation which causes us much pain and suffering. This makes me incredibly sad, but there is nothing I can do to change this and I must learn to accept it. I can not save our marriage alone. It will make me sad for the rest of my life to know that our marriage was never given a fair chance and that our daughter did not receive the best that we were able to give. I have done all I can and endured all I can. It is time to let go before this destroys me completely.

I give up.

I will continue to work on becoming a better person. While this has surely shaken me to my core and it is not the life I dreamed for us when we first started on this journey, I realize every day that I will get through this. I hold out the hope that you will come out of the fog and realize what you are losing, but I can no longer continue to blindly walk with you on this path you have chosen. It is a path that provides no hope, no promises, and no potential for our love to once again flourish and grow. I choose instead to find a path filled with sunshine and rainbows. Yes there will be storms and dark days, but I know now that I can weather anything that might be in front of me.

I have to believe that other doors are waiting to open for me in my life and if you are unable to put your heart and soul into saving our marriage, it is time to move on. As this is the beginning of a New Year, it seems like the appropriate time to move forward with the plans for a divorce. I hope that we can come to a speedy agreement on all points as I am eager to make a fresh start and continue the progress of healing on my own. I shall put my future in God’s hands and even if this is not the path that I prayed for, I am certain that it will be fulfilling and that I will find joy and contentment.

Although you will continue to play a role in our daughter’s life, you will no longer have a place in mine. I will be doing my best to forget you and drive the love I still have for you from my heart, yet I wish you no ill. May God hold you in the palms of his hands and help you find peace and happiness.

Grove-

I'm not sure on this...what have you done to make your wife face the consequences of her choice to have an affair?

I know that you've refused exposure...so what other price has your wife paid for behaving this way? She stands to lose you...I can see this. But at this point, it appears that she's been willing to give you up for the fantasy of the affair all along. She's not been forced to deal with any other consequences, such as those created by exposure. She's successfully prevented you from taking ANY real action to end the affair...

You can give her this letter. You can go ahead and divorce. But do you HONESTLY feel like you've really done all that you could to save the marriage? Have you taken a stand...drawn a line in the sand...put your foot down and said NO MORE? Have you in any real, tangible way made your wife face what she's done?

I agree with Owl. Your WW has suffered no consequences at all. Never make the mistake of thinking that your pain, suffering or annoyance are consequences to a WS. They're not.

***Have you in any real, tangible way made your wife face what she's done?***

You are on the eve of divorce. This question deserves an answer.
Mulan

I exposed to wife's family, I've told our mutual friends and indirectly to her coworkers. (I confronted her at a bar the night she sat alone with him. She was sitting with 3 other co-workers when I told her that I knew she had been alone with him that night. I later learned she told them that I had over-reacted to her friendship with the OM.). I spoke to the head of human resources and was told there was nothing they could do to separate them, unless it directly effects the children (Union employees).

No Mulan, I don't believe that I have honestly made my wife face what she's done. All I've done is complain and whine about how I want her to change.

On the eve of divorce, what can I possibly do now??? It feels a little late and I also feel like I need to say No More and mean it.

***On the eve of divorce, what can I possibly do now???***

Fight with everything you have to get custody of your daughter. What have you got to lose?

***It feels a little late and I also feel like I need to say No More and mean it.***

It's never too late. And I agree with you. Women do not respect men they know they can walk over.

If you want WW to love you again, she's got to respect you first -- but at this point, you can't earn her respect without making her angry *first*. And as long as you remain afraid of her anger and refuse to risk it, you will end up with nothing.

All the things you say you are afraid of are already happening.

WW has a boyfriend.
WW is sailing towards an easy divorce.
WW will get custody of your daughter.
WW will move on with daughter and without you.

What on earth is left for you to be afraid of???

Anything worth having is worth taking a risk for. How much risk is your daughter worth? A few years from now, when she asks you why you and Mommy split up and you moved away (because that's how she will see it,) what will you say?

"Well, Daughter, I wanted to stand up to your Mother's having a boyfriend even while she was married, and I wanted to fight to keep you with me, but I was afraid your Mom would get mad at me so I just signed the divorce papers and watched you both leave."

When you are no longer afraid of making your wife angry, THEN you will be in a position to fight for your marriage and your child.

Mulan

Owl,

I didn't expose at first because my wife claimed that she was going to do everything she could to save our marriage. Of course as time went on and she fell deeper into the fog, it just felt strange exposing an affair that seemed to be over.

So what should I do now??? My wife is at her parents, she said she'd be home 2 hours ago and from the conversation I had, she's having one of "those" conversations with her attorney dad.

This is fourth down and long, with only seconds left to play.

Grove,

I know how you feel, I like you am on the verge of divorce. Next week in fact unless mediation fails.

I tried everything to save my marriage, all I got was lies and deception. I feel like you in that I need to say things to him that maybe i should have said long time ago.

I had the fear of making him mad so I let things go. Now I see where that got me. Now that I am here at this one spot I am ready to stand up and fight for what I think is right and fair, so I don't think mediation will go well at all.

The one thing that I see with you and I both is we have lost the repect of our spouses because we allowed them to have it easy, no conflict at all in this whole mess.

I agree with Mulan in the fact that we have to stand up now and gain the repect by fighting for what we know is right. In your case custody and in mine CS and SS. So in mediation next week I plan on earning repect if nothing else , I know he is going to get mad but at this point who cares at least he will know I am not backing down anymore.... I truly believe thats what you need to do as well , go for custody and don't back down earn her repect.... If they get angry so be it they will get over it in time .....

hurtinginokla, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've made so many mistakes since dday. I told my wife about my snooping before I got all of the information, I didn't expose they way I should have, I didn't follow through with boundaries, I did a horrible plan a, the list goes on and on. I seem to make people upset on here because I don't follow through too. Still I called SH and he advised against doing a plan b and he also didn't feel I should do any more exposure. He talked to my wife once and he based some of his decision on that conversation and the talks he and I had. It situation is different and we all do the best we can. Sure I'd do a lot of things differently and I most likely have contributed to the situation I am faced with now. But this is where I'm at.

I've been told by two different attorney's that I would most likely not get full custody of my daughter. Adultery is not a reason to award or take custody away from a mother. I could most likely get a financial settlement from my wife due to the STD and the adoption that my wife stopped after she started her affair. I'm just not sure I see that point.

Oh well, I need to get back to my daughter. I hope everything works out for you. God bless!

Grove no one is mad at YOU

Please do not think so. You are going through h#ll & we know it.
What we are saying is SH told you at one time do not do plan B yet...fine he is the expert & seen far more than anyone here.
What we are saying is that you seem to be stuck at that point. Lots happened after that & you are still at that point in your mind.

Our concern is for you. it seems you use SH advice which was valid at that time to not do anything since except AVOID ...and we are not saying that SH is going to be able to do much either we dont know because you didn't go back when things were going off track.

Even now you are AVOIDING talking about & setting firmly some of the Dv conditions ..


the POINT is to ensure she ends up taking responsibility for HER actions - not revenge - which I think in your case you dont want & is not a consideration for you. Do you care what she thinks at that point? Because thats your BIG weak point ,,,you keep worrying about how she will react or what she may think ...dont you see that it should not be the main factor at this time????

Half the trouble I think is that you have given in so many times to placate her its become a habit. I bet she expects you to cave this time too.

Grove I still believe that you should contact SH again asap and advise him where you are. WHY?? because he MAY have another string to your bow to allow you a better chance to recover your M ...or may fully support the Dv and advise you on some relationship aspects of the Dv etc.

I feel that you are acting out of pure desperation and not a well designed plan of action. Thats why we are concerned grove.

Yes you may end up Dv no matter what..but I dont believe you have given YOURSELF the chance to fight for your M 100%.

In the end grove it is your decision..always has been & you ans only to yourself on it. If you go ahead right away & Dv I & others shall all try to support you & help you through it if we can anyway... we'd just like you to get your wish of a recovered M though.

With best regards & prayers for you & DD & your WW.

How are you going grove???