I had to check my voicemails today b/c I received a call from someone other than WH who ended up leaving a message. In the process of checking them, I ended up listening to WH's.

I knew I couldn't just delete them.

So here they are. The first was when WH was calling to talk to DS.
"I'm calling to try to catch DS before he gets on the bus. But I wanted to leave you a message too. We really need to talk about the refi. I'm serious. I just paid our gas bill that was $185. I have a CC that's $175. I just can't kee up. I don't know if you are rolling in the dough. I know you think this is good and all. Living out here is costing me more money. I just can't keep paying these things when I'm not living there. It's just not right. I can't keep making those payments. I wish you'd call me. Sara doesn't want to be in the middle anymore and probably Charlie too. Leave a message or call me. We need to do something. Refinancing would be the quickest and would still leave equity in the house. It would only increase our house payments by $125 a month. If we sell the house you can just have whatever is left over. I don't care. I'm just going to have to stop paying some bills and I don't know which ones."

Second message later that day:

"I stopped by the house to get some of my stuff from the garage. I saw the gifts that DS brought home there. DS wanted to know who they were from. They are not from OW. Please let him play with them. OW did not give DS anything. She didn't give me anything.

I'd like to talk to you about the refinance and whatever else. This No Contact thing is juse not good. If you think NC between me and OW is going to cause that to end, don't you think it is going to cause us to end? I think it is. I don't know. I have very little contact with you or OW or with anyone.

I don't want to use the finance as a weapon. I don't want you to be holding me as a hostage. I'm going to have no choice. I don't have a choice. I can't pay everything I owe. I'm not threatening. I'm begging.

Call me if you want to."

So there you go. He sounded awful. Sad and pitiful. At first I was anngry that he called me about the refi. I still am. But it hurts my heart to hear his voice that way.

I am not calling Sara or Charlie to talk to them like I thought I would. I know Sara was getting fed up. I will only call them if it is an emergency message that needs to get to WH. I don't want this to jeapordize our friendship.

I think I will just give the back-up CD to WH on Sunday.

I know he has put himself in this position. NO WH, I don't think NC between you & I is going to cause us to end. YOUR freaking A is going to cause us to end.

Kim

Thank you for giving me the honor of giving you our standard MB response to the BS in PLAN B:

LET HIM SUFFER...

YOUR PLAN B IS BEING EFFECTIVE..BIG TIME....



As you have already noted, THIS IS BULL CRAP!!!! He is having contact with the OW and wants to continue without feeling the fear of losing you....THE CAKEEATER THAT HE WANTS TO BE.....YUK!

Kim, don't believe this. I think that came from his mouth more than it did Sara's. He just doesn't want them knowing his business. You could possibly call Sara and ask her what she thinks about it being mediator, without letting her know that WH called you and told you that.

Your doing fine. I think he got the hint that you didn't call. He is only interested in refinancing as usual.


I didn't like this either.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />


Lady

Thanks Mimi & Lady for your posts. This is just hard. He is getting more & more into a financial hole. Believer suggested I try to get a roomate in case he can't pay bills & mortgage. I am going to do that for sure now.

He sounded desperate. & he didn't tell me who the gifts were from.

I know I need to let him suffer. I don't want him to get bitter towards me though. HOld his financial demise against me.

I understand it his actions doing this. BUt will he?

It's a waiting game, huh?

Kim

Lady, this is priceless.

Kim...Don't even mention to your Sara what he said, she supposedely said to WH. If she's uncomfortable or unhappy with the situation she will communicate that with you herself.

Mr. W

I do agree with that & thought about the great possibility of WH making that up. I'll call to see how she's holding up, etc. She did mention to me before that this whole thing brought back memories of her 1st M. Her 1st M ended b/c her H had an A.

Thanks Mrs. Wondering!

Kim

It doesn't make sense to me too that just last week he took DS to the zoo, they ate out, etc. The week before they went somewhere else & had a big day out. He's not behaving like a man who is in finacial trouble. That's the WH who can't think straight.

I am trying to cut corners where ever I can.

Kim, is he being charged room and board at Saras and Charlies. Do you think he is in over his head, or is he just carelessly spending money?

Kim, you are doing great in holding your ground!! I think he thinks that you will cave and is probably quite surprised that you are so strong!

And I don't think for a minute he believes that Sara is "fed up" with being a go-between, she is fed up with HIS NONSENSE and he knows it.

Stay strong, Kim, he is trying to cakeeat and only wants you to re-fi so he can afford to stay out there and pursue the OW some more. Imagine that, using your home equity to chase that ho! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I agree with Mel. WS are happy to babble on to you, or one of thier supportive "friends" but to an observer they sound like the numbskulls they are.

I'm proud of you and hang in there.

Lady - during the holidays, Sara had family come into town so she told him she needed his room. He is now staying about 30-40 miles away at somebody's house that is up for sale. It is vacant & he is "house-sitting". I don't know what he will do if the house sells.

I don't know if he is paying anything for that(utilities or rent). I can't believe how quickly he went through the tax return. I still have a good chunk of mine - I feel comfortable right now & with me working on a budget I know I can turn my sitch around financially. I am proud that I have not used any credit cards since October. I plan on canceling the Direct TV and reducing the type of phone service I have.

I think he is both overextended & spending money carelessly. Who in their right mind goes out on the town to the zoo, etc. when they are short on money. I know he wants to have a good time with DS, but there are other things they can do.

ML - Thanks! I am going to hold my ground for sure. I will admit that it is scary hearing the desperation in his voice. Not knowing how you are going to pay bills is an awful feeling. I am not going to feed his NEED to chase after OW.

He thinks that a NC letter is going to get him a refi?? It's going to take more than that. I need to trust him before I will enter into another agreement with him.

Kim

Tom -

I should know better to believe what comes from a WH's mouth!! Thank you for your encouragement. I'll have a casual conversation with Sara soon & see what she says.....

take Care!
Kim

ahhhhhhh, I didn't get it until just now! He thinks that sending a NC letter to the OW will buy him a re-fi? Is that what he thinks?

Yeah, he thinks I am not refinancing with him b/c he won't write a NC letter to OW. The conversations back & forth before with Sara was always :

WH: "Let's go out on a date. We need to talk. We need to refi."

ME: "I can't talk to you until you are done with the A. I can't talk to you until I get a NC letter."

Sara also had asked me for what it "would take". That WH had no idea. I thought the "what would it take" was for reconciling. NC letter was on the list.

Maybe the "what would it take" was for "what would it take to refi". Might as well have been.

I know you guys are sick of hearing about this refi thing. Does get a record of some sort????

Kim

I wonder if it wouldn't be a good idea to have a chat with Sara and clarify your stance so she can clarify it for WS? He is thinking a NC letter will get him a re-fi. What do you think?

It wouldn't hurt to clarify my position on that --- I am going to feel her out first to see if she is even up to that. The last few times I called about WH, Charlie returned my call instead of her. Maybe I should just talk to Charlie instead.

Kim

Maybe I don't understand... WH is in dire financial straits, yet he wants to refi so you will have a higher monthly payment? Doesn't make sense!

He wants to roll all of our credit card debt into a refi. "Getting rid of" the high interest credit card payments into a refi with lower interest.

He says he found a no-cost refi that bumps the interest rate up 1/2 point.

I have begun to feel guilty about this. I don't want to make him suffer financially. I feel like I should just sell the house and move. Give him his chunk of the money and be done with him for good.

I don't want him to come back b/c of $$. I want him to come back b/c he wants to work on the M.

Kim

(((Kim)))
You are doing great! It cracks me up how these WS's try to pull the heart strings to manipulate when their fantasy world starts to crumble. Your WH with refi...Eav's with the dog...Hurting's with all kinds stories!

If your WH is so concerned about his high credit card interest he should open up a new account with one of those 0% on balance transfers. I just got something from Discover about O% on life of balance as long as there is $20/month charged...thats not even a 1/2 a tank of gas. If he was so concerned about money he would be taking DS to McDonald's $1 menu.

He is uncomfortable...he doesn't like it...he is not taking responsibility...YOUR PLAN B IS WORKING!

But are you going to let him come back because of money? If he calls you up and says "I can't afford to live out here" are you going to let him come back for that reason alone? No. I know you won't.

What your H is experiencing is life as a single man. He is now experiencing the conseuqnces of his behavior. He is experiencing the high price of abandoning his family in order to chase a ho. Don't feel guilty for treating him to the consequences of his OWN CHOICES. He chose to leave the marriage, he chose to chase the OW. Those were his choices. Don't you feel guilty. Don't feel guilty for refusing to finance his pursuit of a married woman.