Long hard work week.

and yea, Darth is sticking to his guns about providing for me a down payment for house...says he'll work "some kind of deal"..nevermind he really owes me thousands...even more than a down payment.

ds and I went to see Narnia...was very good btw.

on way home, darth phoned. he said "please make sure ds goes to bed at certain time on school day not on weekend" I said that I get this as I am a great mom...he is starting again the controlling stuff. then he spouts this gem of a piece of fogese...

"What you don't get Peach is this...I really want to be your best friend." freakazoid statement or what? I said gently..."well darth...you had 10 years with me to be my friend. have you treated me as a friend should?" He said "let's not go there ok?"

I quickly got off phone.

coworker called me to say hi and wish a good weekend. We worked our arses off the last 3 days. I am sooooo tired I could go for a nice hibernation right now.

I told Mac what darth said...his words to me were this.."what is he and the mistress thing on the outs again? be your friend? is he on crack? that's like saying..."but Mac, this hitler guy seems really friendly now...he promises not to turn into a maniac anytime soon again". M said to proceed ahead with caution as darth does owe me money but keep good fences and not sign any business deal wtih him until my "real friends" aka guys at work...read it and scrutinize it for me. basically be friendly (just smile and nod is what mac said to do)but stay away.

Mac's my boss ok?

anyway, they all called me (coworkers) b/c ds had a mild asthma attack today and school called and they wanted to know how he was <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> he's fine.

got home..email from darth about the property I found. he said to wait 3 mos. and he can come up with the money for a dowbn payment...and then he said to go ahead and look at the home this weekend if I want to.

I am going to cut contact back down to quite minimal. He's obviously using the "house and home" angle to try to get back into some semblance of good graces w/me.

my ds had something wierd to say today...supposedly he heard fv and darth talking loudly again. she saying something mean to darth and then this tidbit..."but SHE REALLY HATES YOU..DON'T YOU KNOW IT?" ds said "mom waht's that about? who hates dad" I said she was making things up and that nobody does...but obviously I think fv was referring to me. I do NOT hate him. I DISLIKE HIS ACTIONS AND DISLIKE THE WS/XWH HE IS. He did some awful horrid things that I can't get around. Unfortunately ever.

Cute Pa called tonight. Called to remind me to change my cell voicemail as it still has holiday greeting on it. then lo and behold!

the prodigal called.

and yes, i left him a very sarcastic vmail saying "Hello, this is a woman named Peachy...let me spell it for you as you've forgotten...P E A C H Y. I have your Christmas present and will be sending it to your office next week. As it is NOT anywhere remotely still close to Christmas and judging from fact you have not provided any inkling that you have such said gift for me in return, I am sending it to you. D, I care very much foryou, but I can't be with somebody who does not meet me half way. I have been standing on my own for 3 years now. I started my entire life over as an adult. From nothing again basically...and while the whole independence thing is wonderful...I am growing tired of being a single mom. The novelty is wearing off. Thus, since you are unable to keep your words, I will do what I have to and forego other opportunities which may come my way. If you are able to prove wtihout a shadow of doubt you are capable of otherwise than the present and past actions, you may contact me. If not just know I am forging on ok?

He got that message and called back almost instantly after THREE DAYS OF NO CONTACT.

It's amazing what a little break up can do. But it's not really little. He truly hurt my feelings.

Sad part...is as of today at work..found myself fantasizing about a nice little home. One I found with a teeny spit of land on the lake. Sitting on dock w/ds. Just smiling. Relaxing. No guy. Just us. Just ds and I, us two.

I just don't know if I am able to ever be hurt again like I was before. am too strong now. and almost unable to let anybody else in. look what happened when I did?

I am getting ready for bed. DS and I are exhausted.

Totally tired and fed up with men...the two that are bugging me.
1)the xh who loves to find ways to keep contact and always attempts to find crevices thru which he can pull strings and attempt control..but that will not be allowed to happen.
2)the prodigal bf...who pops up after getting read the riot act via voicemail by me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Peachy - I hope you dump the prodigal. He doesn't deserve you.

Second.

Sorry, peachy. Problems you don't need. Courtship, especially in its early stages, is supposed to be fun -- not searching for ways to coerce the kind of treatment you wish.

If he's treating you this way NOW, what makes you think it's going to get better?

If you can't let go of him, why not back off and treat it like a casual dating relationship -- one of several? Let him earn his way back -- and meanwhile provide some space for a few others who might be nicer.

My BIL, who's a minister and gets to counsel with a lot of couples, says that splitting up and "being friends" does not exist. He says, "If there was real friendship, the situation wouldn't exist."

AM and Believer you're right! I am single and regard myself as such. If somebody asks if I have a bf...answer is NO! Resounding NO.

He did NOT have the cajones to call back either. I was in movie with ds when he phoned back. Left silly vmail. He knows I am meaning business.

This diet stinks.

But it's working so that's good.

and yes, have let go. hard but doing it. Anything after what I lived thru 2 years ago is darn easy ok?

And river, hi! Nice to Meet you RiverTaM. Thanks. You're exactly right.

My xh is just finding a way to fit the teeny slice of me into his cake eating life. He was never really ready for us to end things so horridly. It was all his doing. His actions...choice NOT to wear condom. Choice to ALLOW ow to move in my former home after ds and I left. And he didn't like the choices he made. Simple as that. But he was never prepared to really let me go. He's proven that. Has to control some angle of finance...as in a year and a half the meager (next to nothing )ss runs out...so he has to act now as he sees it..or his control becomes less. And if he gets me get house..he's viewed as the good guy.

and as for friends? He always said this foggily to me during his affairs with both women..."you were NEVER MY FRIEND. You don't know me. She does (said this about both ow)" So suddenly this man wants to become my BEST FRIEND?

Am calling the realtor to see one home tomorrow afternoon !

Call the realtor -- but I wouldn't be surprised if Darth has a sudden attack of amnesia before the bucks are due. Be prepared.

No. he is going for this Am. believe it or not. He knows he will not have much ties financially to me anymore past mid july 2007. Not at all. so he's trying to get contact and a way back in.

Now here's another twist.

How I feel.

It's strangely calm.

Very very calm.

I just have this blah feeling. Nothing bad. Just blah. And I am exhausted. Completely. Just tired.

DS and I are going off to brunch in a bit. Then to find some new pots and pans and a few towels at the outlet store. Very nice place there. And to get book for ds.

tomorrow we're off to aquarium again or to do something like that. interesting and fun. plus we don't have to pay for anything except parking.

Here's the wierd part about what I feel...

I am feeling rather...like I don't care. I have the same blah's that I had when I was on lexapro. Remember? the three months I took it during the trials? Just blah. Happy and loving towards ds...but blah otherwise! blah.

I feel inside wierd. Like my love bank is at the lowest point it could possibly go. Period. I think too many bad checks from either darth a few years back or the present prodigal bf wrote and they got cashed...and my balance was not sufficient.

So it's totally at zero. And guess this is why I am doing ok. I am sad, but not really that sad. Just feel like any love I had towards prodigal is gone. And I've known him for years. More disappointment I think.

And then with the recent actions of darth...I am more blah. Like "hey darth...why all of a sudden now are you trying to be nice to me? listen to me? act as if you want to be a friend? you had all this time and you wasted a family in the last 3 years. So you think buying us a home will make up for your actions and I shall bow down to the altar of Darth again? Because your present affair relationship/laughable marriage stinks? blah."

I am a 100 percent tired and exhausted mom. I love ds. He is my total focus. OUr home needs a good cleaning. I am actually considering calling somebody b/c I am soooooo exhausted from work. And if I am gonna win this diet thing (just for my sis and her bet that if I lose the weight she buys me new wardrobe from market)I have to get positive again. Am breaking diet right now (so far lost 2.5 lbs)but will eat diet friendly food at brunch. 2Egg whites. Low fat cheese. Or fruit and turkey sausage and oatmeal.

Darn it. My whole family wants me to start over. The whole diet challenge was so I could lose the last bit of weight I have (not much) and that I can in my sis and bro in law's eyes compete with the single no kid chickiepoos that inhabit atlanta like fleas. And for me, I want to keep my health in top priority as ds depends on me....want higher energy levels period.

Am hon...I am really re reading your tag line. I think I have been seriously self neglecting. Time to perk up...do something fun w/ds...and put on the domestic/working goddess/single chickie crown I used to wear so well. It's tarnished now. Few rhinestones missing.

Need some pepping up. Right now think only way that's gonna happen is if I down a pitcher of coffee.

AM I will be charging my cell phone at brunch in case you feel like sharing wisdom?

found 2 adorable subdivisions...could not find the addy for the house on the lake...will try monday again.

am exhausted still. went house hunting with ds...made it really fun.

the guy who was realtor showing us new subdivision (he works for them) is a single dad now..his ww left and is well..a WS. he has five year old daughter. this stuff is rampant in atlanta ok?

He was very nice and we saw a great subdivison in price range. new builds...and soccer field, swim pool, clubhouse, playground, and basketball courts...ds was so excited they were building a soccer field (that's his sport)..and it's five minutes from school and about 25 from my job.

so that's awesome!

but it will be about five minutes from darth's home he's building on lake.

Still feeling this ...well...nothingness...other than feeling love for ds...and for friends and family. When I think of prodigal or darth or any guy now..I feel...NOTHING.

It is weird.

D the prodigal did NOT call again. He knows and I guess has processed what I told him on his voicemail.

Me? Break up by voicemail? It sounds unusually cold for me. but then again, D has become the most horrid boyfriend. he vascillated from awesome to nothing..and I am not standing for that.

Nope. And I've let him go cold turkey. Cold! And now it seems I feel well...cold...and feel well..not much. Nothing. Have I cried? sure did about 3 days ago. Not at all since. Just a really weird feeling. Like something is missing...but I can't grieve over it.

My best girlfriend from home called again today. She said this..."Peach, you are just now able to say you grieved and are geting over...getting over Darth and the divorce...that was sooo huge. I personally couldn't do it...but now you're getting over some other guy. And I think you've just emotionally short circuted in the "romance" department. You need time and should wait and see b/c your pulse will come back. Your zip and your zing will too. Right now you're just dealing with another setback. And while it's not like the divorce...nothing could be as bad as that was...the way I, your friend feels is this..it should NOT have happened after your crap. After the stuff w/darth, we all wanted the happy fairytale for you. And we thought this was it. And you did too. You started to believe and then he did this. Well dam him" That's what she said.

And T said it right. Damn him. He did steal the fairytale part two. I deserve it! I sure do! Did NOT deserve to be strapped back into a rollercoaster ride for one second longer than I have to ever again. I refuse to let this man make me feel pain...so that's why I guess I now allow myself to NOT feel it. That's what T said in closing. She aid that she believes I will not allow myself to grieve anymore. Or that I will grieve in my own way..and that's now my being ...blah.

Am going to zzzz...maybe watch a bit of national geographic channel. that's so cool to watch.

Why not me? Why not?

I sure did deserve Prince Charming. Darn it I did...after being the bride of the sith lord.

Peachy,

You will find Prince Charming one day I am sure of it.

You know what they say you have to kiss a lot of frogs or Sith lords until you find one....

Just protect your heart while your looking....

You know what you want and I know you won't settle for less. Just give it some time my friend, it will find you when you least expect it......


Hurting

Hurting...you are the princess already! as I've said...either WS or some other one will find you when time is right..just like you said to me!

Had great day today with ds. Awesome!

Lots of activity btw on the online dating site...tons! And two good very very very good prospects.

Both asking for dates...but I will feel comfy in getting to know somebody...emial first..then after a few emails if I like what they write (heck don't I write enough myself?), then maybe coffee?

we went again to aquarium and had a ball! it is soooo incredible!

Got home...put ds in bed..he kept coming out of the bedroom. first wanted glass of water...then had to come in my bedroom to go to potty...(why?) and then back in his room. And then into my room (scared)...and now is alseep on my four poster while I type here...I kept saying "sweetie..go to bed"...finally it was more of a "darn it sweetie get in there NOW!" from me.

He's such a good little fella. We had an awesome day.

On way down, darth called. he was nice. Wierd again. Bought monster truck tickets for him and for ds for next weekend. Made sure I knew he bought them. He said since it is not my weekend and he knows I like to do all stuff cool with ds, he is buying motorcross tickets for me and ds and said I can have ds even if it is his weekend for the motorcross. I am able to push aside any residual anger today and just deal wtih today so it was good. He said he was going to be able to come up with money in 3 mos. But I said summer might be best for move. He said he'd help me look at homes. Then he went on about how expensive his new lakehouse is...I will NOT say it here...let's just say it made me stutter. But then again,w e knew he lied about his monies to the court didnt we? I got silent. He said "you still there"...I said yea. I said to him that it sure sounds like a nice house. He got uncomfortable talking. So did I. I have no clue why he does that. In ALL CONVERSATIONS he brings money into it. and not a little either. he talks of his huge purchases...and how much he makes now. I do NOT get it. Then said "well in a few years, your home you're gonna buy..it could be an investment property for you". I said "well it's not like I am building some million dollar property ok?" He shut up quicky. What was up with that comment? Then I told him I might want to stay near where I am now. Or maybe just one exit up 400 north further. He said "you need to move to such and such area. it's growing. all the malls are gonna be built up that way. you're still close to atown." and then I said this...he he..."but I am single darth and I do NOT want to get stuck in DINKLAND anymore. I do not want to be the only singleton in marriedsville. I am starting to date now, just dumped somebody and have no intent of being single forever...this area is totally away from where my friends live btw." he was quiet. He said "well it is near ds' school and close to your job and our ds needs to be close to both of us"...yea, best friend was right...wants me to be closer so he can monitor all and everybody in his life...or out of his life as I am.

Anyway, it was good for me to keep composure and convos friendly with him as I am about simpifying my life.

Best friend T calls on way to aquarium after that. Said to not have "that many nice calls with darth"...and I got it. I told her that I was able to be nice the whole time...completely decent. She said not to go there. He's about control.

DS and I are totally in love w/the beluga whales at aquarium. plus we love ralph and norton the whale sharks. they are waaaaay cool. big as school buses.

Got wierd vmail tonight from Prodigal BF. He called as I was giving ds a bath tonight. I did NOT answer the phone. He said "we need to talk. And give me a number where I can reach you for once."

he he. I have gone black with him basically. No calls. Nothing. Just not answered at all if it was him. Let him see how it feels to be ME for a change. When he goes on the m.i.a. sprees of his. And from the voicemail tonight..it has NOT made him quite happy. First getting broken up with via voicemail since he went yet missing in action again...so I did what I could. Since he could not call me in person, he got broken up with over the voicemail by me. And then I have nerve to go mia myself! Imagine that.

I am going to zzzz. now.

Maybe prodigal saw my online profile? ha ha...oh well. Life goes on. And I am going to find somehow to live it. Love ds so much. He said tonight that his 3 favorite people were God, his dogs (couldn't name one so he lumped both together as one category I guess) and me. I got lump in my throat when he said that.