Can you clarify something for me, please? I haven't read any of the Harley books yet so I'm hoping you can just elaborate on something you said in one of Eav's threads:

"...Let the A die a natural death. And yes, they all do...Harley says within 2 years."

ALL? Really? The stats I've read put the odds of an A surviving at between 3% and 5%. Don't want to split hairs over a piddling 3-5% here - just interested. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The A does die. It either ends the A with recovery, WS ends up alone (after the D) or turns into an M (OP/WS). Either way, no more A.

If the WS chooses to marry the OW, their chances of the M lasting is even less. YIPPEE!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Ah - OK. Obviously I didn't consider marriage as an end to the A! LOL!

Not that I like the idea of that last sitch, mind you. OW has a history of this. Her first H left HIS first wife and kids for her when she was 17 y.o. She hung on for years... until he left for yet another OW. D18, who's privy to more information about them that I am, says She Has Plans for WH. A predator in angel's guise.

OW's weakness for control c/b a tool for you to use. Be wise and smart. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

U seem like you have a good head on your shoulders......don't lose it to the WS. Expect him to try to get you to enable the A and even report to manipulative, accusatory and other selfish tactics (even threatening ones) just so he can continue his A.

JMHO,
L.

No, it's not just your humble opinion, my dear, it's a FACT. it's already happened and his trustworthiness is nonexistent at this point. I've been very patient through my ersatz Plan A, and have all the patience in the world to practice Plan B. It's something to do while I move on with the rest of my life, no? But... that's today, and today is a good day. Maybe tomorrow I'll be wishing that the OW would show her true colours now now NOW!

Nonetheless, I'm planning on sticking to it, and wisdom, smarts, a clear mind, a calm heart, and lots of patience are EXACTLY the things I need to pray for.

Thanks.

BTW, it's funny you mention OW's need for control. When WH first left and I was pleading and weeping for him to come back, work on the M, whatever, he told him everything I was doing made him feel "manipulated". Then she entered the picture, in the guise of an angel with a lovely shoulder to cry on... and that was it. She played him like a Stradivarius.

RT, u have a strong stance. Don't lose the momentum.

The sooner you step back and them the A and the Ws crash (A die a natural death for an unnatural state of mind), then the sooner you will on your way to recovery. The WS should not recover, instead it w/b your H who steps out from hiding and push for recovery. That recovery w/b where you do less and your Xws or H does more. Not the other way around.

BTW, msot WS' go for the more manipulative type of OW all the while accusing the BS of being controlling and manipulative. When PBR (psycho babble rabbit) the OW in our case showed her psycho side for the world to see, I reminded him of how much he said he didn't want t/b controlled....then I informed him that he picked a real winner with that OW, also they deserved each other. I thought his skinn was gonna crawl off him. He seemed repulsed by her wackoness.....still it took a while because the A was deeply entrenched. Kinda like the bugs in Chevoff's ear in one of the Star Trek movies. LOL!!!

L.

Urgh! I remember that disgusting bug! GREAT comparison for the A!

Although WH is waaaay too enamoured of his "angel" at the moment to see any fault, one of the last times he was nasty I told him - about half an hour after I told him I didn't owe the OW anything - something similar. Not angry, but it was one of those days when I'd had ENOUGH. I told him, "You know, maybe I was wrong. Maybe I do owe her something. Time will tell, but if it does, I may be thanking her for getting you off my hands. I couldn’t see it before, but now I see you’re perfectly suited. The gene pool will be serviced by your union in a most interesting way."

Not one of my finer moments, particularly given that I'd given up the LBing and he's still in the honeymoon phase, but he pushed my one last button that day. He baited, and I bit. Admittedly though, he felt so guilty at the behaviour that prompted my comments that he didn't say much when I let him have it!

Oh dear - I'd feel sorry for him if I wasn't too busy dealing with all the crud he's imposed on my life.

RT -

I read your post on my thread - what is is it about FD's? I know so many that have marital problems, affairs, and divorces. It is a pretty solitary life thye lead and the emotional energy they have to put out is tremendous. My WH is a 4th generation FD, and I realize now that it is a job he really hates. For a lot of really messed up reasons he came to work for his parents, and it has lead to great deal of unhappiness. I understand the sacrifice he made to provide us with a stable income, but the cost has been too high for both of us.

Oh boy, I hear you! WH is third generation. He really loves his job - he is a naturally compassionate person and in a small town he feels a great deal of responsibility to "his" people - but everything else you say, including the messed up reasons for working for his parents, is just like him and us.

There are some HUGE sacrifices, and I think that after giving, giving, giving to all and sundry he not only neglected us, but most importantly, he neglected himself, for many years. To me, he is completely emotionally depleted, and what happened was that his brain went, "Aaaargh! This is all too much! Get rid of something! Hey - look at HER, she's been too high maintenance lately! Get rid of HER!" A very simplistic way of describing the grandaddy of all depressions, but I reckon it's still pretty much correct.