My WW of 18 yrs is having a PA with a 20 yr old. She is 38. Since no oph or w, do I expose to his parents? I already exposed to her and of course there was massive denial until I pulled out a card he gave her. She moved to an apt. 9 months earlier. I got the card from the apt. so she's fuming that I went through her stuff but the lies had to come to an end. We have still been doing a lot together with our families and 2 boys, 13 and 10, before this exposure, so it seemed there was hope for her coming back but the A was probably tearing her in two. So how many more people do I expose the truth to and then what is the next step? I'm kind of doing a plan B right now, haven't said anything to her since I exposed to her.

Due to his age I would expose to his parents. Be sure you tell them you love your WW and want what is best for your children. Can you give more details? How long has the A been going on? How did she meet him. Have you exposed to her family and friends? What do you children know? Do they live with you or her? Have they been exposed to OM?

Where do your boys live?

More details...This is going to sound like a Desparate Housewives story. The OM is the son of family friends. There had been rumors of flirting and the OM's Mom does not talk to WW. But the Dad and I are friends due to we work together in a charity event. WW parents and I are close. As with WW broter too. That's the funny thing, she always seemed to have these good family values. Anyway, we traded the boys back and forth for a week at a time then the boys just started staying at home for about the last 3 months. She was here alot and we were cordial but any little thing would set her off on me, no matter who pissed her off. I think since the boys have moved back home WW and OM have been together in the PA. I have told her I've known (intuition and clues) but no real evidence until I went through her place. As far as how long it's been going on, looks like about 18 months of flirting and probably about 4 months of PA. The OM has it hard for her. Some of the things I saw were love notes about being together forever and can't wait until we divorce, etc. I do love her because I know what's inside of her. Not to sound geeky, but I think of her as Darth Vader in the Star Wars movies. All hard and mean on the outside but there is good in there that will come out in the end. Hope I'm right. The PA part hurts but I am kind of putting it as part of the separation.

more...our kids don't know. They know him and the family though. Her parents don't know but are suspicious. So far it has been between me and her. She was raging mad. She threatened restrainng order etc. I was calm and said knock yourself out. She stromed off saying she's not seeing him anymore. Yeah Right....

Read up on plan A and expose to his parents. Give them any evidence you have. Expose to her parents as well.

If you want to give your M a chance, you need to expose to OM's parents and WW's parents and brother ASAP.

I would also document all of this in case you two end up divorced.

P.s. You do not warn your WW before exposing. That would be a big mistake. You just do it.

I’m glad you’ve decided your marriage is worth saving in spite of the adultery. You’re in the right place to make that happen.

A short answer to your question is you expose to anyone who has any possibility of putting pressure on the adultery and bring it to an end. At a minimum in this case, that would include your wife’s parents and other family members, his family, friends who have influence with your wife, etc.

To my mind, it’s unlikely they have not indulged themselves with fantasies communicated from their workplace, so exposure there may be appropriate too. The employer, assuming this is not a workplace affair, would be interested primarily from the point of view of eliminating wasted time on the part of the employee (your wife) and to prohibit her using their bandwidth for email, etc. The same may apply to his employer (if he’s actually out of school yet).

Don’t drag the kids into this, though it may become necessary at some point for your wife to explain (in your presence, of course) her actions.

Read up on Plan A. Understand what she’s done is excused by absolutely nothing on God’s green earth. At the same time, you can make a better man of yourself by understanding her needs (and yours), and then applying them to your marriage.

Oh, ignore that nonsense about a restraining order. There are attorneys who regularly post out here and they routinely laugh at mention of such things. The normal comment is “A restraining order against what? Letting people know you’re cheating?”

I urge you to read any number of the threads out here. Threats of leaving (I was going to work it out but now I can never trust you…this was the last straw…you invaded my privacy…what right do you have to control me…etc., etc., etc.) have all been heard before by other spouses. By reading their threads, you can prepare yourself because the reaction of adulterers to exposure, etc., is incredibly, repeat, incredibly similar. It’s like they all read the same book on how to react.

Anyway, welcome aboard. The ride’s going to get rocky but there are folks out here who are well into recovery from just what you’re facing. My best wishes to you and your family.

thanks. How do I find those threads. And I think I've been doing a plan A before the exposure but she would say I was pushing too fast, etc. I'll read plan A again. I just got the Her Needs, His Needs book. But I haven't been too off on her EN. But all it took is a little boredom and some arguing for her to start getting distant. Of course she says we were too young to get married, etc. I've learned alot though. Giving, taking, expectations. And that will help us. But have to get the door cracked open and not want to kick it in when I see the crack. Anyway, exposing it to her bro will be easy but to the parents will be a little scary. She will go through the roof. She is already pissed I have talked to a few friends about our problems (not the A though). I know it's because she knows she's the guilty party down deep but it seems like it will push her over the edge and say what the f**k, everybody knows anyway, screw em. Hopefully she still has some of the good side of the force in her...

If you want to save your marriage, you should expose to OB's [he is a boy, not a man] momma and daddy, your W's parents, close friends, your family. This exposure will likely end the affair pretty quickly when she is exposed for being a silly woman who is sexually exploiting a boy.

I would also tell your children so they can be prepared with the facts when they inevitably hear about this. I would not be surprised to hear that the 20 yr old boy is bragging about his conquest to his friends it is likely to get back to your kids.

And yes, your W will be furious. But that is ok. She will get over being mad, but your marriage cannot get over an affair.

Heck, just pick one of the more lengthy ones and start reading. You might try dazednconfusedks' thread or waitingonlove's treads. Reading those will lead you to others and those will lead you to still more.

She IS going to be pissed at exposure. There is no doubt about that. Living with her while she goes ballistic isn't going to be fun. My only answer to that is to question how that can be worse than living with her while your guts are being eaten out?

At first, she’s going to come down on you like a ton of bricks. That’s part of the process. Sleazy things like adulterous affairs are exciting to the participants when they can be carried on in secret. Once the secrecy is exposed, they aren’t fun anymore and the affair starts dying.

This is the weekend, btw. You’ll get a lot more responses from some of the pros out here on Monday and afterward.

It will have the opposite effect. See, it will ruin her affair and once the affair crumbles she will come back to her senses. She will initally threaten that "now you have really done it! It is really over now!!" But her affair will crumble and as that happens, she will come back to you.

The reason she is so scared of you exposing her affair is because she senses that this will cause ruination to her affair. And the reason exposure is ruinous is because the affairees are forced to view themselves through the eyes of others. When that happens, it destroys the foundational fantasy because they are allowed to see how sleazy and ridiculous they look. And your W especially fears exposure because her affair is with a young boy, which will cause great shock and amusement.

p.s. once the affair ends, via exposure, then your efforts in Plan A, such as trying to meet her needs, etc, will have an effect. But until the affair ends, it will have very little impact. This is why your first order of business has to be to destroy the affair. You have to stop the massive bleeding before you can work on getting the patient healthy. See what I mean?

Here is a good outline of what Plan A really is:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

by Pepperband

thanks melodylane for the carrot and stick and thanks longhorn (but damn you Vince Young). Will look for more posts after the weekend.

Do I expose to or say anything to the OP?

Well, you don't have to expose to him because he already knows he is having an affair. However, I really can't see any benefit of confronting him. He doesn't seem to care much that she is married.

The most effective and key exposures will be to his parents and to your W's family. That will likely kill the affair or hasten it's death. In your case, I suspect exposure would be extremely effective.

would a e-mail letter to W about why i snooped, why i want to make it work, NC with OP, etc. help break the ice and start talks in the withdrawl stage she is about to hit?

Told her bro and wife. He's disgusted with her. THinking about going to OP dad but have to have a plan. Angry part wants to go right in, and the want to reconcile part isn't sure...

Do it now before damage control start!

Ok exposed the OP Dad. Now what when she comes at me?!!!!