ltw, all affairees are FURIOUS when they have to face the consequences of their affairs, but this is a good thing. She is just angry because exposure has ruined her affair. They ALL blame the person who exposed them rather than blame themselves for DOING things they didn't want exposed. It is ALL GOOD, though, because it serves to ruin the affair.

And remember what your goal is here: to DESTROY her affair. It is NOT to appease a crazy woman. So don't let it bother you; just know that this is all for the GOOD and her anger will go away.

Actually, this is TEN STEPS forward, lt. She is being squeezed in so many ways that it will be impossible for her to resume the affair. Reality is intruding in her little fantasy world and removing any potential for a resumption of the affair.

I sent WW the link to Dorry's guide for WW. WW wrote back, This information is all based on me WANTING to make the marriage work which I don't. The damage is done and now it's time for both of us to move on....

so I guess I was a little late on finding this site. Thanks anyway.

Keep working it. It is not even close to being too late. Your wife is still in an affair believe nothing she says...nothing.

924, Marriage Building is a process. IMO, it is the best known process to marital reconciliation around. You must develope your MB plan and stick to it. Your WW will try to get you off your game...and you will waver sometimes...but this is YOUR plan. What she says and does has little effect on you other than as input variables to see which way you are going to turn.

Don't give up.

Mr. Wondering

You're not late at all. She is still mad and as she withdraws from the OM, she will slowly draw towards you. It won't happen overnight, just be patient!

Do you think we need a sit sown with me, her and our kids and give out the truths. She seems to be giving them false hopes. She didn't tell them that she filed the D paperwork. She said she would try harder on us but she needs time. All that is giving me and our kids hope that seems not to be there in reality. Maybe letting the kids in to what she has been doing, not the A but the rest of the lying, will hit her like a 2x4. How can I get her to really stop with the OP and give me a chance?

I believe your kids are 10 and 14 year old boys. I think they are too young to get involved in fighting this out with their mother. I know you said you weren't telling them about the affair but without that knowledge nothing you tell them will make sense and then WW will feed them some of her rationalizations and justifications which will only confuse them more.

If you need to give some explanation then perhaps address as though your wife is suffering from a terrible addiction which is affecting her ability to think clearly. As though she is sick and you and the kids will continue to love her until she snaps out of it. Assure them that no matter what you are strong and will not abandon them yourself. Be their rock and shield them from wayward wifes influence. You need not include wayward wife in this conversation. When she starts behaving as a wife and mother than she has a say...but for now you are the only sane, rational, non-addicted parent available to those boys.

Further...your wifes affair is with a 20 year old and she's nearly 40. That relationship is not going anywhere. It's not like she plans on marrying the kid so for her life is great...she indefinetely be content with an apartment with OM on one side and her family on the other. I am surprised she actually filed for divorce. I don't see her going through with it. I see it as a threat to shut you up and keep you from interfering or attempting to bust up her fantasy affair. Keep up the good work. Expose more.

Develope your plan and stick to it. Read Pepperband's Plan A I saw bumped up to the top this morning. You may EVENTUALLY have to Plan B this wife of yours to shake her out of it...this 20 year is not a viable alternative for happiness and they may likely have to be left to their own devices to discover that. Plan B, once you get there, may be very painful for her as she apparently likes having both so much right now. Come on ... ski weekends with the kids...did you pay for that? You take the ski weekend's and she can come with y'all if she wants too. Your kids are perhaps the greatest magnet you can use to snap her out of the fog. You must be careful not to seem as though you are using them as a weapon or vindictively. But they need not be exposed to this fogged out wayward wife.

Hope this helps,

Mr. Wondering

yes it does help. yes the weekends do come out of our budget so yes I'm paying. We still are joint on everything although she did disclose she has a separate savings in the D papers. Also here in CA, once your served I have 30 days to respond or she can just push forward with the proceedings. With are finaled in 6 months unless she calls them off or does not push the issue. So that time limit is an issue unless she doesn't push it.

The kids are the key here. She doesn't want to look like the bad guy. She has told them that we were going to D but then when they got on her she backed up. She said that the papers weren't signed. I think she meant by me because they were signed bt her. They kids know that I do not want this and want to work it out.

She tries to sugar coat it saying to them that they still will have a great Mom and Dad, blah,blah,blah.

It's such a rollercoaster, Sunday we had a great nigh togeher. She brought dinner over we talked and laughed. Just hung out like a family. Then she went back to her apt. and the boys were happy that Mom was nice and stuff. And then yesterday was totally different, She worked late, didn't call and said to the kids via computer that she had stuff to do after she worked late so wouldn't be home tonight.

Today I gave her a cd of music/songs from our lives that I made last night. I don't know if it will piss her off or make her think or even if she'll listen to it. She called later to say if I would take one of our son's to his dentist appt and other kid stuff and then asked if I looked through her planner again. THis is where I found a lot of A evidence. I said no I didn't, and I haven't, but I wonder why she would ask. Probably because she left it here when she ran out to take kid to school.

lt, Mr W is right, those kids need be told. Otherwise they will never be able to figure things out. They should not be lied to about thier mother's affair. Nor does it help bring her back to reality by helping hide her nasty little secret.

Is she still in touch with the OM? If she is, then I would suggest reexposing her.

You obviously must respond to her divorce petition and fight for your marriage via your attorney. You should make a demand for FULL custody. You must be keeping a journal that indicates you are the primary caregiver, wife abandoned the family and is having an adulterous affair with a 20 year old boy.

Sorry I wasn't really super clear...I think the children are a little young to tell about the affair specifically. You just indicate that what she is doing is inappropriate and wrong...but you love her and will do everything in your power to restore the marriage and save the family. Whether that is enough is completely up to their mother who is not thinking rationally right now. Tell them it's going to be crazy for a few months but assure them you are in the right and hopefully Mom will eventually figure that out.

I am not an expert on telling the kids...If Mel says you can tell them then I respect her knowledge and experience. Ultimately, it's your life and kids. Try to discuss this with more than just us and make a determination of what and how you plan to proceed. I saw Harley recommend to P47d (whose kids were like 22 and 18) that you ask them and arm them with this unrefutable question...."When is it ever right to have an affair". Your wife can babble all she wants about her rationalization and justifications but can never overcome that one question.

As far as finances. She's filed for divorce. Separate yourself financially and protect your families financial security. Cancel any and all joint credit cards and withdraw 3/4 of the money in joint accounts (so each member of the family in effect gets 1/4). Then send her an email indicating what you did and why so she can't indicate to the court you acted in bad faith. Be careful to read the divorce petition as it may say you can't do that. Respect the court first...but you probably are not under any court order yet forbidding you from separating the money...yet...just spending it, maybe.

No more trips for her. She must endure some pain to change. Enabling and playing family with her is not pain. It is a delicate balance. The consequences and pain must come naturally not seemingly as a result of your actions. You'll get the blame anyway but you must be prepared to reverse babble. Read Pepperbands currently bumped up Plan A thread for more info on how to play your Plan A. Read Orchids link to Reverse Babble.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

My hopes and prayers are with you. I too am going through a messy situation and I know the pain and confusion it can cause. Just hang in there and don't give up. One question though, how can you end an affair if you don't know where your spouse is living and who the affair is with?

Blondie33

I know where she is living and who it is with. Are you talking about you? You have to investagate! And find the truth.

I'm not giving up till the end but it takes everything I have to keep it up. But that is the definition of HOPE I guess.

Sometimes it seems so dark but people here keep a little light on.

ltw, your kids really should be told about the affair. They are plenty old enough to know and should not be lied to in order to protect your W. Kids can deal much better with facts than with lies. It is a great opportunity to give them some moral guidance and show how a real man of character acts when his family is under fire.

When it comes down to it they will know the truth. Right now they need to know the truth about the papers she filed. Unless they are just a scare tactic. She keeps saying this is something she has to do but then says she loves me but not enough to be married. I did not reply to her 'damage is done, time to move on' email. She was pretty quiet last night but called a couple times during the day to plan out the week with kid's stuff. Do I need to let her sit and stew or should I try to get some alone time with her.

ltw, I would try and be alone with her if you can do this without being pushy. My concern is that her affair has not ended. Do you have any way to confirm that it has ended? Could the OM's parents help you ensure that contact has ended? Perhaps by checking his cell phone bill, etc?

yes I talked to the OP dad yesterday. The OP is doing a lot of A** kissing. We are keeping an eye on them. Trying to make it hard for them to get together. OM Dad called WW and laid into her good. Saying to stay away from OP and their family and telling her that she is doing the wrong thing, etc.

WW has called 3 times today. About her car needing repair, about kid stuff and about planning a dinner with friends and family for my birthday on Friday. Then she says that tonight her and the kids were going over to some friends of ours house to finally give them their Christmas gifts. I said well when are we going and she comes back with just she is going because we have to start not doing everything together because she served the D papers and we have to start separating. She said that she would still like for all of us to go out or have dinner like on Sunday nights, like we are all going to be best friends after the D. I said no, it's not going to be like that if you continue with the D proceedings. We started to talk and then we said we'll talk about this later tonight. Sorry but I can't be friends with someone who is going to take the love of my life wawy, try to take my kids away half the time and have them lose a million opportunities, And take our home away that we built together.

What did she ask for in her divorce petition. How much custody? Did she want primary? How much money?, etc.

You're dead on...with friends like her who needs enemy. Until the divorce is final you commit to treating her as your wife. Let the attorney handle all discussions relating to property and custody. But she needs to realize that after the divorce, if she follows through with it...you won't be friends. Don't hammer her on the point now...kinda like just ask the question "How is it you expect us to stay friends" and leave it at that.

Mr. Wondering

standard joint custody, half of everything. If I ask the question how to stay friends she's just going to say because we have kids together and it's best for them blah blah blah. She seems real determined to go through with the D. Like she can't turn back now. So I'll try to get her to stop rewriting history. I'm sure when I get an atty. there will be changes in how things are being handled now. Of course she will take those as big LB's.

Yes there will. She's in for a rude awakening. However, it is not a love buster....read what they are. No where does it include standing up for your rights and opposing her adulterous behavior in a court proceeding she started to be a love buster. Granted it's not a love bank deposit but these are consequences to HER actions. When she hits the fan...you just say you wanted nothing to do with the divorce and refuse to discuss it. When she points out specifics...like "how can you ask for this or that" you just duck behind your attorney..."He/she said what?" "Guess they just feel they are representing my best interests". "Maybe I should have taken a better look at what I was signing, I just don't believe you are going to go through with this and if you do...I advised my attorney to fully protect my interests to the full extent of the law and left him to prepare the documents"..."so unless you want to talk about reconciling and fixing this there's really nothing more to talk about." "Would you like a bite of my pecan pie...it's delicious".

I think you get the point. Let the anger float right by you. If she raises her voice, you lower yours. If she yells, you whisper. Your marriage can always survive anger...but a divorce petition carried to fruition it obviously can't. Your fight is a necessary fight and will inflict pain. She started it.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

p.s.- read up on fighting for custody - start a new thread specifically addressing this issue or search for old ones on the topic if you intend to fight