Well it was my birthday this weekend and Ww planned adinner out with kids and in laws and friends. But then when everyone came back to our house for cake, everybody gave me a card or gift but her. Kind of a downer but I guess I shouldn't expect anything. Funny how she keeps telling everyone she wants to be great friends and hang out with me and the kids and other families. She's moving out of her apartment and in with a girlfriend of hers (who recently broke up with longtime boyfriend). She thinks the kids will like going there instead of an apartment because it's a house and there will be other kids on the block to play with. She says she is going month to month no lease and it is a lot cheaper too. Woo Fing hoo.

We watched some friends kids over the weekend at our house. The parents went out of town. So she stayed at home and spent the night. I slept on the couch, she with girls in our bed. We all seemed to have a good time. But when she starts talking to me and looks at me she turns away after a while like she catches herself and tries not to get close.

She still says that she is going through with the D but this I want to be friends and come and go into your life thing throws me for a loop. I can't do that. I want a wife not a friend. I have told her that as well and she comes back with we have to for the kids.

We are still going to sit down with all of us, kids, me and her and go over the whole thing and her little white lies will come out when that happens and maybe she will see some light.

Remember...no pain...no change. Your marriage can survive her anger so do not go easy when explaining, calmly, the consequences of her adulterous behavior. If she wants to be your "friend" then you need a fair shot (with 100% commitment on her part) at reconciling, one on one...without outside interference. Without such effort, you will co-parent only...and likely never be her friend.

You must be clear on this with her. I bet she thinks you are just saying that as a manipulation technique and when it's all said and done you'll be friends.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

yep, you're right about the friend thing. And I have said it many ways and many times. I'm all in or all out. I don't want you as a friend I want you as a wife. How can I be friends with you when you take away my kids, my love, my home, etc.

I have said the thing about giving us a chance without distractions. And that you can't feel romantic for me if your feeling it for somebody else. But she says that she doesn't want to try or work on the marriage.

Now all of the sudden she's pulling out this stuff about a new moon coming around every 18 years and it's time for change. Another excuse!

So I am going to meet with an attorney and ask for the world and keep on plan Aing her. And sit her down with the kids and explain it calmly from where I sit. There will be tears and it will call her on the false hopes she has given them so it will probably cause her to be mad at me again and stuff but oh well hopefully it will wake her up. As another U2 lyric goes I gotta 'Punch a hole right through the night'

It's been a while since I've posted. Just been trying to Plan A and be still. But let me tell you it is tough. There has been baby steps in a good direction. We did sit down with our kids and talk about the divorce papers and that she wanted them to stay with her at her new place that she shares with her girlfriend.

She said in front of all of us that she would start spending time with me. That she loves me because she has spent half her life with me, that she and I work well together, that I am a good person but that there is a lot of Damage been done on both our parts. The kids told her that she can't give up. Like she always tells them to not give up on things in sports and school, etc. The kids didn't want to go stay with her but she said that it would be good for us to get some space. to see if this is really what she wants. I tried to support her on that point, which scored me some points. But she always has to throw out, but if it doesn't work... as to leave the door open to the D as well.

So when we are together as a family and on the phone or just talking she is cordial and fairly normal but when we get around our friends or family she puts up a fence of coldness. Sometimes it comes down a litte sometimes not. Frustrating!

So all sounded good until last night when I was coming home from a show after midnight and saw her drive by. I called her cell and asked where she was going? She said she had started getting a migrain and was going to the store to get some meds. It just didn't sit with me right. You know what they say about gut instincts. So I drove by her place about an hour later and her car was not there. Of course that gets my head spinning about where she is. I drive by a few more times and she's not there. Then finally @ 2:30 she's back. She sees me drive by so I call her and ask where she's been. She says she went to the store and then just sat in her car down the street and watched me drive by. But funny how the store she said she was going to closed at 10 PM. She said see this will never work (our R) because there's no trust. I said of course there isn't but I'm trying and she says well you failed the test. I never said anything about the store being closed but I said that she had to stop with the lies. And we pretty much ended it with that.

Today Iv'e talked to her a couple of times. She's been nice one time and businesslike another. Talk about the Rollercoaster of Love. But now what. I guess I just keep on as it was a disagreement that is over now and keep showing her how I've changed and carrot Plan A.

Most of my help that has come form this board has been very valuable and has helped me/us tremendously. But sad to see a lot of my help is taking a 'break'. so if anyone else wants to catch up and help I really could use some morale boosting.

Itw,

I've read through this, and I have a question I'd like to ask before responding. Did your wife at any time agree to go to no contact with the OM? I don't see that anywhere.

ltw - don't support that nonsense.

OF COURSE it scored you some points! It plays into her scheme!! But it didn't score ANY points for your family.

If the kids don't want to go stay with her, let her fight that battle! Don't help her! Also, DO NOT agree that "getting space" is a good thing.

"Getting space" is a WS euphemism for "Getting time with the OP."

This hits a nerve with me because it was one of the dumbest thngs I did - buying into my WS's argument that we needed to present an "muturally agreeable" position to our son; that it was important NOT to show conflict between us. Big mistake.

Do NOT help her be a bad mother. Do NOT make it easier on her to conduct her affair. This doesn't mean you should bad mouth her to your kids, etc. Just don't add to her illogic.

Starfish - she has said it is over between them. Swore on her kids lives to her Dad. As far as me asking if there has been any contact since the big exposure, noo I have not brought it up. Give me a tactful and non lovebusting way and I will.

WAT - The kids do know this is not a mutual thing. They know that if it escalates it will be her that pushes it and it will be her that is lying about what she said. I've heard pros and cons of telling them about the OP. If it does go to D, they will know all!

Hopefully living now with her girlfriend it will be harder for her to have contact. And now that she is being more receptive to me, that will take more of her time up as well. She is also doing some things at home here too. Like we are saving more $ now that it costs way less for her to stay at the girlfriends house. So she called our old housekeeper and gardener and got them back to coming here.

So I have a whole list of heavy stuff to talk to her about. She aagreed in front of the kids to start going out with me alone so I'll ask her on a 'date' next weekend. And no heavy stuff then just fun. We'll save that R stuff for a one on one sitting on the beach or someplace. But that will have to come pretty soon.

I've been reading Adrianc's thread and he sounds like he is in the same sitch as me. My WW went a little farther and filed D papers when I exposed her to her parents, OP's parents and her Bro and SIL.

I have a gut feeling that she might be starting up with OP. Maybe not, maybe I'm just paranoid. I've been upbeat around her and not talking any R. Sometimes she is warm sometimes cold.

Should I just straight out ask if there is contact? Guys are always hitting on her so maybe it's a new one.

I have been trying to work out, yoga and do stuff around the house to keep busy. I just painted our boys bedrooms. Woo Hoo.

You can ask if there's another man, ITW, but could you believe her? BTW, wayward spouses have sworn (falsely) on a lot more than just their children's lives their affair was over. Until she agrees to strict NC and goes transparent, the smart money is on the A still going on. Trust those gut feelings. That could be your subconsciousness prodding you real hard.

On whether to expose to your children about the OP, Dr. Harley says yes. See the link below.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...=&PHPSESSID

ltw:

Like Longhorn said, the children should be told the truth. They should not be lied to about their lives. Children can handle the truth, they can't handle lies.


Yes, you can ask her, but she will probably lie to you.