Basic facts
Me husband- 40 years old
Spouse – 38 years old
Married 16 years
Son-16
Daughter-11
I became suspicious in October when my wife lied to me. I had no idea what about, but I could tell she lied because she has always been a bad liar. She eventually admitted that she did lie, and that she had lunch with a mutual friend of ours from Brazil who she had been helping study for the GMAT. She said she lied because she knew I would be jealous and they were just friends.
She continued to have phone contact with him and I tried to just let it go, but it seemed wrong to me.
Right before Thanksgiving I told her that I was not dealing with things in our life well, including her friend, and that I was going to get counseling. This seemed to shock her and she said that we needed to talk. We went to Starbucks and she told me that I was right, things in our life had not been going well and that she wanted to separate because she was suffocating as a person and was not realizing the dreams she had for herself. She said this was not about me, but it was about her needing to find herself. She told me she wanted to wait till after Christmas to protect our children. I was shocked, but it seemed to explain a lot as far as her indifference to me over the last few months. We drove home and she said she needed to pull herself together so she stayed outside for a while. She eventually came back in, gave me a tearful hug and said she had changed her mind and that she could never leave the kids behind or me, and to just forget it. I suggested that we go for counseling and she said she would think about it. I continued to get counseling and she kept putting it off or refused to go.
On the 28th of December we had another discussion and she said that she was going to stay but that she was unhappy because I was controlling, unaffectionate and not meeting many of her needs. I told her I would change and that I would like to try counseling and she again would not commit. She also said that she was not having an affair, they were just good friends

I found out on the 29th of December that she had lunch with this guy on December 17th and that they both admitted their love for each other. She went over to his house on the 22nd and he told her that he wanted nothing to do with breaking up a marriage and one of them broke it off. I found this site and started trying plan A.
Last night my wife and I finally had a discussion that neither of us planned on having, and she finally admitted to me that she was in love with this guy. I told her that I wanted to work this out and that I was sorry that I had not been meeting her needs and that I would love to get joint counseling and could she just give it more time. I also asked that she not see or talk to this guy while we tried to save our marriage. She told me she would just be lying if she said that she would do that. She does not want to lose him. She said she was also afraid that if she stayed she would just cave in again and always be miserable because we are different people with different needs. She thinks that she should move out so she can find out who she is and who and what she wants to be. She also thinks that she should stay because she loves the children and me and this is our home. She left the house at 8:30 last night to go to a hotel because she said she couldn’t think at home. I asked if she would be alone and she said yes. She said she would see me on Sunday and let me know if she was moving out or willing to stay and try to save our marriage.

Any insight, support or guidance would be appreciated.
Sorry for the long post

PS - THe cat just puked on our bed, perfect.

randomthoughts,

Welcome to MarriageBuilders. I'm sorry you have the need to be here but you have found a great place of advice and support.

Please be sure to read all parts of this site, including the suggested reading material. I know the last thing you want to do right now is to sit down and read, but knowledge is power and before long you will feel like a relationship expert.

"Just friends." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Classic WS (wayward spouse) talk. I love you but I'm not In Love with you (ILYBINILWY) Again Classic. "Need time to find Myself." Again classic. You are going to find most of these affairs are sooo typical and seem to read from the same script. Doesn't make it any easier to bare but it does help to know you are not alone.

Her moving out... you can't stop her but don't YOU go or allow her to take the kids. Don't enable her or help her in any way. Make her face the reality of what she is doing,, ending a marriage and separating a family.

What do you know of the OM(other man)? Is he married? Kids? Who all knows about the affair? Your family? Hers?

Randomthoughts, keep reading here. Keep posting. As weekends are rather slow, you might consider copy & pasting your post and starting a new thread on the General Questions forum since there is alot more traffic there and you will get more responses.

I'm very sorry you have to be here.

Have you read surviving an affair? It is a necessity.

No contact must be established. That means complete no contact.

If you are in Plan A, does that mean you have exposed? Sometimes that is the only thing that causes the affair to die.

Do you know her top 3 needs? Are you working on meeting them?

Is your counselor pro marriage?

Do not move out. Do not allow your children to go. You might, however, consider sending the cat with her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Blessings to you and your family.

The other man is a friend that we met by playing soccer. He is from Brazil and single. I think he is about five years younger than my wife. He asked me if my wife would be interested in helping him with his English for the GMAT test. My wife is a Language Arts Middle School teacher and English is her passion. Stupid me, I said I would check but I thought she would love to. They spent two hours together every Saturday morning for several months. They continued to communicate after he took the test in October.

No one in her family knows of the affair. They are not very close. She is the youngest of nine and they basically see each other rarely. The past summer was the first time in 5 years that most of them got together. I believe one or two of her friends at work know, but I am not sure how much of the truth she has told them. She started seeing a councilor last week and has been twice.
I have talked to my dad and my brother in law and my councilor about this.

We had planned as a family to go away this weekend to a waterpark nearby and meet with my family. My kids are totally geeked so I must go. I will be back Sunday.

I would be confirming somehow that the OM is not at the hotel with her tonight. If you are still around can you arrange for someone to knock at the door with a "flower delivery" or "pizza delivery" and confirm that she is in their alone. Some innocuous way to get her to open the door so someone you trust can look in a see if OM is there. If you know what type of car he drives confirm it is in the parking lot. Have them get pictures as Waywards will deny and deny until faced with overwhelming proof.

I know you want to believe what she told you but Wayward's will lie and manipulate to get what they want...an affair fix. She may just have arranged to spend just one weekend with him to see if their feelings are "for real". But it never stops there it just gets more confusing and more confusing as she gets deeper and deeper into the affair.

My wife went on a 2 week trip to "find herself" and "be alone for awhile" to sort out her feelings for me and OM. OM and her were only supposedly going to meet to discuss being "friends" and ending their inappropriate relationship. In reality...it was all a ploy...They spent the entire 2 weeks together in bed playing naked villiage and pretending to be a couple.

I know just cause that happened to me doesn't mean it will happen to you...but I'd be willing to bet you $1,000.00 she is not alone at that hotel. I bet you she has forbidden you to "stop by" and see her. I bet she has told you that if you do it will be over between the two of you because "you are so controlling".

This may not be what you want to hear but it is the reality of affairs. Do not believe anything a wayward spouse says and only believe 50% of what you see a wayward do.

This is not to say your marriage is over. But your marriage will only survive once you bust the affair, expose it, destroy it and then move on into recovery to see if it is savable.

This is not your fault. YOU WILL MAKE IT.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

By the way...how convenient for her that you will be out of town tonight.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.-I am not trying to be harsh...my snideness is directed at your WW...not you.

p.s.s.-when you return post over on Infidelity - General Questions II board as it is much more active and where most of us regulars hang out primarily.

p.s.s.s.- Welcome to marriage builders...this site is a Godsend and we will help you rebuild YOUR life...most likely with your marriage intact.

One other observation.

My wifes OM did break things off with her eventually and when he did she was willing to leave me that day...to separate...whatever...as one last desparate measure to get OM to continue the affair with her. You see in order to maitain the addiction to OM, when OM wants to break things off, your wife needs to call him and say "see, I've left him for you...this isn't a love triangle anymore...I love you OM and we are separated...come over and help me through this...blah, blah, blah".

Fortunately for me, my wife's OM didn't blink, he moved on and literally a few weeks later he married some other woman he was also seeing that was less trouble than trying to take my wife. Your OM may not be so smart as he is confused by wanting to do the right thing versus his romantic feelings of "love".

So in the alternative to my posts before this may be your wifes last ditch effort to get OM back. She may be alone in that hotel if OM is smart. So I reduce my bet to $100.00 that he IS THERE tonight.

Mr. Wondering

Don't reduce your bet Mr Wondering.

Unfortunately I think you're right too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I guess I have more faith in OM's than most because my wife's OM did come through for our marriage in the end. Unfortunately it took 3 months and I had to play a lot of games with his mind in between to deliver the following messages that help him hold his ground in the end and decide to move on:

1. My wife would not get to take DD5 with her from Detroit to Atlanta (she'd lose custody and maybe I'd give her a few weeks visitation now and then)

2. My wife would receive next to nothing in the divorce...wasn't necessarily true..but OM thought he'd hit the jackpot with my wife and she'd take me for a ton.

3. My wife had spending problems...which she did but not nearly as bad as I made them out to be...I got WW to believe and repeat to OM that she spent twice his income each of the last 3 years.

4. My wife was emotionally unstable...which is an easy message to deliver because when you fight for your marriage the Wayward always behaves irrationally. If OM is single he has a little saneness because is not a dealing with exiting his own marriage and he has 1000's of alternatives...other normal, unmarried, single women. In comparison, a Wayward Wife looks nuts and the more the BH fights the more nuts she'll behave.

I never spoke to OM directly but communicated these things to him through my wife. She was unaware of my strategy and obviously these strategies were also designed to get HER to leave him preferably but regardless we are recovered.


Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

Hi Randomthoughts,

I am sorry you are here. Perhaps your cat understands the situation better than you think. She may be upset by all the tension. I used to know a dog who when mad at his owners - would pee on their pillows. Direct, to the point communication that leaves nothing to interpretation.

This is an excellent site and there are many veterans here who will help you through this. I believe you will find it easier dealing with one of life's most trying situations knowing there are others who care. People who have been there but worked their way through it successfully.

I will add your family and cat to my prayers!

PB