I need some input from anyone with any experience. My sister (half sister, 8yrs younger) has had problems forever it seems, we both grew up in an abusive home. After I had married she had run away, my X was a cop and the authorities gave us custody of her, they left it up to her as to when she was ready to return to our parents. She was 16 and I did get her to finish her sophomore year in high school and I thought she would go on to her Junior year. Our mother moved her boyfriend into their house and at the time I believed that my sister returned there because of her boyfriend. She left my house in late August, she got pregnant, the baby was born early April, the baby was definitely premature and I stood by my sister through out. When the baby was 8 months old and had a lot of medical problems, she decided to give the baby up for adoption, my husband and I had not had any children and we had been married over 4 years by then and we adopted her. My sister's life has been a blur since then and she claims to not remember most of her past, alcohol is killing her. My sister and I have always had a Mother/Daughter/Sister mix relationship, I was always protecting her growing up and I think she would die of this secret if its true before letting me find out that anything happened between her and my husband. The problem is the man who is supposedly the father, dark brown hair, dark brown eyes, about 5'10", my sister blonde hair, light brown eyes, about 5'4", my adopted daughter is 5'9" blonde hair, blue eyes, my exhusband is 6'3, blonde hair, blue eyes.

A year after the adoption, I was surprised with my own pregnancy, and I have two beautiful daughters, who really do resemble each other, tall, blonde, blue eyed girls. My sister still mentions missing my X, how much I lost and that the baby was her gift to me. These statements of hers along with the severity of the alcohol abuse is what started triggering and when I look at pictures of everyone I see more of my X than the man we thought was the father. If I'm wrong, my just thinking this could be devastating to several innocent people. If this is right, it could be the key to releasing my sister from a ****** she's lived in for over 2 decades.

My X had multiple affairs, he's remarried since our divorce and started another affair less than a year after he married his second wife, so on his part, he is quite capable of this. I am glad that I feel nothing for my X but I do not want my daughters to be hurt any further than what the divorce did and I want my sister to get help before this kills her.

If this were true and I knew pryor to the adoption, I would not have changed anything, that little girl has always been more mine than anyone else's and still is.

Since you are DV'd would it be possible to ask your X? Maybe he would allow a paternity test. What purpose would it serve for him to deny that he could be her bio-father at this point?

With him being a deputy and the fact that my sister was only 16 at the time, it definitely could have repercussions, also unless you have absolute proof, he denies everything. My sister is also very good at keeping a secret but the alcohol is affecting her and there are little blurbs of escapades. I am not looking for legal repercussion, I want to find the key to my sister's problem and without hurting my daughters, I won't sacrifice them over this. I'm kicking myself for not seeing this years ago. I've contacted a DNA site and waiting a reply, I might be able to have DNA done on both daughters to show the link, since I know for certain he is the father of our biological daughter that we had, the only common denominator biologically between the two girls would be my mother. Just don't want to make a misstep, enough people have been hurt.

Hugs to you Lila. Given the info you have put fourth I can certainly understand your suspicions and I do so admire your wish to help your sister. I can also see your point and understand why your X may be unwilling to help you find the answer to this question. I am no expert, but I do think you are on the right track with DNA testing of your two daughters. This will go a long way too in keeping this “situation” hush-hush too until you establish results and decide how to move forward. You obviously have a large and generous heart and my heart does go out to you and your sister.

How would this hurt your daughters? I am not being crass I just want to explore this part of it.

As far as legal repurcussions, your sister was a child and if your husband the (sheriff) had sex with her she was a victim, and deserves a chance to heal from this.

This is a very tough call, but I have a sister and a daughter and know how painful this must be for you. And I can only imagine your sisters pain.

Keep brainstorming here, and hopefully a suggestion/advice will come which will give you peace in knowing that it is the right course to follow.

I can think of a couple of vets who might be very good at looking at all avenues and hopefully they will be back on Monday and chime in.

The pain this would cause my daughters, I believe could be devastating, the youngest has always been close to him, though very dissappointed and has been close to just not staying in contact with him. The oldest and the child we adopted has been shunned, they have not really had any kind of relationship since she was about 12, he and the second wife even went so far as to buy her a one way bus ticket out of state so she would have a reason not to attend thier wedding. I don't think my oldest would even want to know he really was her father, though for medical reasons, eventually this could be important.

I've only spoken to one family member who met and knows all of the individuals and who will never breath a word of it. They even said that the childs coloring and features looked like ours and they thought it was curious. Fact is 2 brown eyed parents can have a blue eyed child but it is rear, however the height is just out of range, again not impossible though.

Historically it appears he has gone to bed with most of the women he played hero to and he was the "hero" when he had HRS grant us custody in 1983. Although this takes it over the top if its true.

My worry is that if its true and its a key, will that key unlock this ****** my sister is in or finish her off. Should I just drop it and let sleeping dogs lay.

I have the love and respect of both daughters and we have had our ups and downs. This almost feels like the apple in the garden of eden.

Why don't you talk to your sister about it and leave your daughter out of it for now.

I wish it were that simple. My sister would deny, she has only disclosed to me recently how guilty she felt because of all the beatings I received as a child and she did not stop, she is 8 yrs younger than I, and was 8 yrs old, tucked under a table and watched that beating, there was nothing she could do to stop it, the alcohol has completely taken over, my daughters do not know and won't find out unless its medically necessary, right now this board and one relative are the only ones who know. I'm still not certain I will take it further, I hate seeing my sister disintegrate but I won't sacrifice another generation either. I have to think this through thoroughly, cautiously for the sake of all.

Speaking somewhat from experience, having shaken the skeleton out of the closet myself a number of years ago - I would NOT take it upon myself to set my sister free of this if I were in your situation.

There is a recovery process for an alcoholic to go through - and there are safe places to deal with secrets. I know of a therapeutic setting in Utah, if the two of you were to go through the process together, it would run you almost $4k - plus your travel expenses (the process lasts about 3 months, with several 2, 3 and 4 day sessions throughout the program, but that would be THE ONLY place I would open that closet again, if I had the choice. And if my siblings won't walk through that door, they will never know. I let myself be at peace about it.

There are very few other ways to do this that will protect your daughters, and your sister AND yourself.

If you are not able to do this much, then get to an Al-Anon meeting and find out the answers to the questions about getting in God's way with an alcoholic...

You are welcome to signal me if you wish to know more about what I mean... (read some of my threads - one thread gives my history as an OC on the pregnancy forum).