Keep a journal this is a must for your sanity. You can go back and say no WH I wrote down what took place and what you said. I had to use mine and he was angry because I had proof.

There are some things my therapist has said to me I think could apply to you:
1. You don't want to be in a marriage where part of your job is to keep him from having an affair.
2. Sophia and the abuse are symptoms. What is the real problem?
3. Find out what path he is on. Don't try to get him on the right path. Then decide what you are going to do.

IF he is having an affair, that is a symptom. The symptom of his being willing to neglect you and live an independent life.

Sure, stopping an affair would seem like progress. It did to me. BUT what it?

He is neglecting you. He is out playing poker with people you don't know, he is sleeping in a separate room, he is telling you he wants to stay together for the kids sake.

HOW ABOUT STANDING UP AND LETTING HIM KNOW THAT YOU WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH HIM? Some people spend their lives trying to catch a cheater. How degrading.

Cherished

Your bedroom? You don't sleep together?

Susan

Susan -
No he will not sleep in our bedroom anymore. It started during the A, and he has never come back. He knows it is a very big issue with me, but he doesn't care. He sleeps in the same bedroom with ou youngest son. For four years. YS is only 5 years old. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Cherished - I know that you have read some of my history on my earlier thread (Thanks!). I agree 100% with what you outlined here. I know that I am 1/2 of the problems in our relationship and I have tried so, so hard to fix it. WH has never met me on that road. Could it be because he is still involved with OW? Does any of the other stuff - plus this new info - give you a thought about what is going on?

I just took a shower - I think better in the shower. I am thinking of asking him about the pills and themn telling him that we both need to get everything on the table. I hope he will tell me what is going on with him. I want to tell him that there are two choices here. Either go to a MC or go to a divorce lawyer. His answer will be that I should just do what I want but that he will not go to a MC. I can't do MC alone (already tired that!) so that leaves me with no choice but a lawyer.

Am I moving too soon saying that?

I would tell him just how serious you are. That he needs to explain to you what is his reasons for the pills. Now eresearch those pills at www.ask.com. She what the revues and health warnings are.

Willing, I don't think his affair has ended, or he has started a new one. His Friday nights have red flags all over it. You are right, there would have been a phone call from one of the buddies here or there, names, talk about them, etc.

Unfortunately this seems to be because you have not been in recovery. It appears that your WH is STILL a WH.

This is the typical response of a WH. The anger is fear and guilt over his affair. See how he turned it around on you? You have never given him a reason that you could not be trusted. He has given you many reasons.


Once again, this has not been recovery, especially evidenced by your WH's refusal to participate in the healing. I am shaking my head at your counselor. He/she is not worth the paper his counseling certificate was printed on.

I would suggest you have someone follow your WH on Friday nights. You might get your answer there. Prepare yourself for him to deny, deny, deny and try to turn the tables and make you out to be the bad guy. Don't fall for it. Remember, you don't have to convince him he is having an affair, he already knows he is. Try try try to remain calm, even though I know your heart is beating like a jackhammer. Do not reveal much to him. Watch and listen and collect your evidence. You will then use your evidence to expose to their workplace, families and close friends. Find out if the OW is married.

Best of luck to you and lots of hugs. Stay strong, you can do this. Keep posting and please don't deny what you know to be true in your heart no matter what he tells you.

Friday night is "DATE" night...

Saturday for spouses..

Crash one of those card games!!!

Be bold.. or have close friend do it for you.

he doesn't care

At the very least, the A or EA is in his head. Signs of it being physical are around U. Now it is not time for you to freak out but to carefully plan to shake up his A world, even if it is only in his head. U ready? Got pointers but you need to have your heart and mind in sync. It s/b easier for you t/d that now once the shock of all this wears off.

BTW, GPS.....those units c/b purchased at local stores...try radio shack, best buy, circuit city or check the internet.

L.

You are not 1/2 the problem. You are trying to fix your M. He is trying to avoid you and enjoy himself away from you. You cannot change him. You can accept him as he is, or you can let him know that you will not live as you have been. You do not have the option of forcing him to change. Even an exposure may not work. Look at the woman who got on the Dr. Phil show. That didn't help. Her husband was so deep in the fog that he was trying to justify fathering a child with another woman. Dr. Phil turned to the wife and asked why she hadn't kicked his a... to the curb.

Do not take the blame for your husband's selfish behavior.

Cherished

I think that if a woman has been with a guy as long as the original poster, then she'll know what the signs of lying are better than her H.

Women know these things! And men know that women know them. And there really is nothing that a guy can do to hide his lying.

I bet he is still having the affair. He would have never withdrawn from her anyway if they still work together. This is exactly why Harley is ADAMENT that all contact end, even if it means a career move or moving to another state.

If I were you, I wouldn't say anything. I would hire a PI to follow him and take pics next Friday. If you confront him today, then he will just go deeper and maybe change up his routine.

He is probably having this affair and staying in the marriage "for the kids."

First, my philosophy. IF a story doesn't make COMPLETE sense, it probably isn't true!!! PERIOD.

In this particular case, I agree with MelodyLane. You shouldn't confront him yet. You should gather & collect more evidence & have proof of the A so that when you confront, his denials will look foolish & he won't be able to pull anything more over you. Also, he sounds like he would go deeper underground & be harder to know what he's doing if he suspects you have a clue.

Hang on to this, hire the PI & wait for the results. Then, you can confront.

Global Positioning System. A system that was originally developed by the Defense Department to be able to track the position of their units in the combat zone. But it has common civilian uses. Basically, it is a little box that tells you where you are on the face of the Earth at the moment.

Most of the GPSs now come with a program that can record where the box is. If you put it into his car, turn it on, then recover it later, it will show you where it has been. Some come with maps, or with programs that can show you on a map where his car was.

The most commonly used ones cost a few hundred dollars and should be sufficient. Hide it somewhere in his car on Fri morning, and recover it Saturday morning. Batteries should last that long.

If you want to install it permanently, keep it turned on all the time, and if you can offload the data at your leisure, it will cost you high three digits. You can capture the data into a spreadsheet that will tell you time, place, speed, interface with a map, etc. The nice thing is that you get the data from the GPS unit in his car by using another black box that communicates with the GPS unit in his car by remote, so you do not need to get into his car at all to get the data. It is more expensive, but gives you better data, you don’t need to change batteries as often, and there is almost no chance of him finding it.

For something over a thousand dollars you can get a system that tracks his movement and relays the data to internet in real time, so you can track him on the computer where he is at that instant.

(No, I do not sell such systems, nor do I have first hand knowledge of using it to track a spouse, so take my posting with a grain of salt.)

OK MB's. I had to go to YS's basketball game and to a photo shoot.

Shortly after my last post, WH called to say that he was on his way home and needed me to get OS ready to go to the basketball game. He asked me what was wrong and said I did not sound right. I told him everything was fine and just to come on home.

When he got here, he came into my room and asked me what was wrong. I told him to shut the door and then asked if there was anything that he needed to tell me. He said no. So, then I showed him what I found in the car. He did not get defensive or upset, he just asked what the problem was. I said the problem was that he had a sexual stimulant in his car that was obviously taken!!!! We had a calm discussion and basically he told me that he must have picked up the wrong package the last time he was at the quickie. He takes those stimulant things when he plays cards and all he looked at on the package was the big word Stamina. Then he laughed a little bit and said that he noticed that the last ones he took tasted funny!

A short time later, he came back in and said that it was wierd - that when I pulled out that package that he thought I was upset that he takes those things sometimes (for the record, I don't like it, but I know he does it) abd that I was going to lecture him about taking drugs. I asked if he understood why I was upset and why I had to ask about it, and he said he did.

However, he seems more distant to me since then. Now, I know that he is tired and that may be all it is. But, in my hypersensitive state, I read more into it. I am calm inside and for some reason I believe his story. Should I?

One other thing that just caught my eye...... when I was outside a few minutes ago, I noticed him check what I think is his cell phone and it is in his pocket. This would not be wierd, except that this is a man who NEVER turns on his cell phone unless he is making a call. And, it is always ib his car. However, during his A, he kept it with him and hidden from me.

Now, our billing is set up so that we get a printout off all his calls. Believe me, I still check it every month. There has not been any activity out of the norm for years. He knows that if he was making/getting calls, I would know about it. So, why the phone in his pocket.

I am thinking of calling his number and feining a misdial. His number is only one digit off from mine and I can claim that I was calling to check my voice messages and dialed his number by mistake...... should I do it? Or, would that just make him more cautious in the event that there is something going on?

BTW - THANK YOU to everyone for your input. Self inflicted or not, I would not have handled this afternoon without you. I wanted so bad to call someone, and I think that would have ultimately been a mistake. I am so glad that I came to MB.

I agree wholeheartedly with the 1st sentence but not necessarily with the second. He may mix it up (one Fri night with guys, one Fri with OW). It just seems too obvious for him to go with OW every Fri night; I’d suspect that he may meet her at other times.

Be careful not to fall into the trap of accusing him of meeting OW on Fri night, he produces a proof that he actually was on a certain Fri night with his buddies (or you following him or track him to a poker tournament), and he carries on with OW at other times.

willing, I would back off completely and act normal. Then have him followed on Friday night to see what he is doing. Don't stop investigating until you have accounted for every second of his time and can say confidently that you have ruled out an affair. But don't show your hand until you have something to show, lest you send him underground.

Melody -
I am afraid that I may have already done too much by asking about the pills if he is having an A. Part of me wishes that I had not asked him about it..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

What do YOU think of his explaination?

Also, I can buy a GPS and put it in his car. But, doesn't that go against the complete honestly that Harley teaches? I feel guilty - like I may be causing more damage - if he is not having an A. My gut tells me that he is not. But, my gut did not clue in last time, so I question whether to believe it.

My counselor always told me to go with my gut feelings. And he did not ever seem to think that WH was still having an A. I leaned on that as affirmation that WH was probably not being unfaithful. Yes, a few things still bother me, but I got used to them because I didn't feel like he was being unfaithful. That is why this has rocked my world.

On the other hand, if there really IS nothing to it, I feel like a total loser for getting so worked up about it. Shouldn't I be able to handle the little stuff? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

OK - this really irritating to me...... He came in and unloaded everthing from his pockets on the kitchen counter(as usual) EXCEPT that darn cell phone!!!! Why does he need to keep it in his pocket?

BTW - I am just acting normal, although I want to call that phone soooooo bad.....