Well, I am glad it wasn't perceived as too harsh. I feel in the minority here and I lack the confidence that I have the 'right' words to express my thoughts.

All I can say is that 3 yrs post last D-day I am happy I made the decision to stay married. My H's resolve has only grown stronger in these last three yrs...but that is my H not yours. Time will tell. 6 months may be enough to know. But that will just be near the end of the school year and some contact is likely during that time. I think that it is risky but if he is determined it may work for him.

We did have our discussions on the details of the A in small doses as you are doing and it worked fine. At some point I accepted that I had asked and reasked enough and had to let it go.

I did have my times (during PMS) when I would be triggered and blow up. He took it and responded in a loving way instead of reacting in kind. All of his actions added to reassure me of his devotion and helped to rebuild trust.

There were many times where I second guessed my sanity in giving him another chance. I wondered if it was even a good example for my kids. All in all, it has been.

I would hope for a similar outcome for you....of course life isn't over yet. It may be a life long journey of growth and discovery.

Melodylane is right about the 6-8 months in recovery. It really takes about 18 months to get beyond the triggers etc. It is lots better at 2 yrs. But it all depends on the actions your H continues to display. Hope he has the resolve, stamina, and commitment. If so, it can all be worth it.

I don't think that my counselor meant that things would be 'recovered' in 6 months...... I think he just meant to say that I should have a firm foundation of feelings in 6 months regarding whether WH really has changed and whether I feel like we are capable of having a loving relationship again.

Re-read Mel's post. She didn't think that you would be recovered in 6 months. It is just that at 6-8 months there can be a bubbling up of anger so that your feelings at that point may not be a good judge. Your recovery could be going well but there seem to be patterns that many of us experienced while still making good recovery progress.

Hopefully, at 6 months there will be the foundation for recovery and you will see the potential and your H's actions will match his words.

sorry..post is meant for heidi...

WW, I will tell you what you may be thinking in about 6 months, no matter how well your H does. You will probably be thinking something along the lines of: "why oh why did I settle for this bum? I am such a CHUMP!"

I agree that you should make a decision based on his actions, but it might not be a good idea to go by your feelings at that point. Your feelings won't be anywhere close to grounded by then; you will still be experiencing dramatic emotional swings. You have suffered a major shock and it will take 12-18 months to recover.

What I told our MC:
"I will see how it goes for 6 months."

What I said after the first 6 months had passed:
"I will see how it goes for the next 6 months."

I was NOT ready to commit the rest of my life after 6 months, but I was willing to stay for another 6 months ...

Just so you know, you can piece-meal this if you need to, take recovery in bite sizes YOU determine you can handle.

and if WH doesn't like it ~~~> [color:"blue"] tuff beans [/color]

W2W,

Have been away from the site for quite awhile, but read you post. Most of it anyway, and all your entries. I just wanted to say It is definately possible your WH has truly realized he needs and loves you. After 17 years of taking my W for granted it happened to me, and 18 months later nothing has changed I still adore her.

Anyone with kids knows how tough this is. This doesn't just affect you, and after reading your posts I know they will play a huge factor in your decision.

I will also take care of your GPS/Spy post for you. You have enough to deal with. It should be up tomorrow.

hang in there, your doin great!

Just a thought.... please remember that depression is anger turned inward. Your counselor will help you get the anger out where you can deal with it. Give yourself time- this lasted for 4 years and it will take a long, long time to get over this, with or without him! Take good care of yourself and indulge yourself for a while. You would pamper yourself if you had a bad case of the flu but now your HEART is broken and sick so pamper it, too.

Can I ask if you have considered a separation? I would think that you would need some time for your own peace of mind, time to attend to your needs, not his, and time alone with God for direction.

Dear WTW:

that you are feeling so numb now is a defense mechanism (Please stop eating that icecream o.k.? Icecream is not FDA approved as treatment for depression because of its serious side effects. The enormous weight gain has been demonstrated in large population based studies (I don't know where they are hiding the graemlins these days-but I would like to put my favorite "roll-eyes" here!!!). Did you smile a little? Don't eat your kids' icecream, pleaaase.

Dear friend, I wish I could sit down with you and chat. You wrote,that you are afraid things will revert to "the usual", afraid H will change again, afraid of another A. I can tell you how it was for me: after 4 years , sometimes I still can't sleep,because I get these fears, that border on panic attacks (and H has done nothing in 4 years to let me think that another A is going on).

I can relate to what you are experiencing now: H is treating you nice,but that makes it even harder for you to trust. I still have severe problems enjoying our truly wonderful times together. I still can't trust and I get even more scared to loose him when things are wonderful. I have kept my feelings for him in check for all these years and only very gradually do I allow myself to open up. The IC has done nothing to help me with that. It is a very slow, gradual process of recovery. It is the BSs individual recovery. This happens separately from your H's recovery and from your recovery as a couple. You have been through so much more than me, WTW. Just take your time for everything now. Your MC and H want to hear a decision from you, the numbness is telling you that you are not ready to decide. So? Tell them exactly that: I don't know what I want to do.

Usually we make decisions based on facts. You don't have any facts only promises from your H. Promises are empty words if they are not backed up by real actions.

One of my golden pearls in dealing with As and recovery is: Future behavior is based on past behavior. (Unless a real change takes place in a WS's character). I am giving your H the benefit of the doubt. Bt he is the one on probation here. He needs to make up for a lot of damage and pain. There are no more excuses, no more selfish behaviors allowed. AND after setting your boundaries watertight (no more unexplained absences on any day, complete openness, no more claims of privacy) you may see that he neede just that: Boundaries, limits. You may find that he'll do well with that.

WTW: put away the icecream, otherwise I am not talking to you anymore [IP crossing her arms and stomping her foot on the floor]. I remember how you told me four years ago how the A made loose you weight and you looked very good, remember...

Hugs,

WTW,

It sounds like you have make some good progress. I understand the numbness too. In a way, it is a self-protective condition.

I think you should go ahead and say "yes, quit your job" and see what happens. That will be a good test of his seriousness.

And if he blinks - and delays or hesitates ... expose to the school. I think it would be best to notify multiple people - say the principle, the superintendent and one or two school board members - especially ones that don't like the principle or don't like the superintendent. If you expose only to the principle it might get swept under the rug. Ideally both of them will lose their jobs. That will make him scramble. The intention is not to be mean, but simply to be sure that they can have no excuse to work together again - and that if they have to work out the school year - people will be watching.

And... I think you should listen to Aphelion.

-AD

IP –
You are TOTALLY cracking me up!!!! Rest easily…..my kids actually ate all the ice cream and I promise not to buy any more. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> I really did think it was an approved method for dealing with depression, though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I had a talk with WH this morning. He was very open about answering some questions I had about things that have happened in the past and things about the A. It was painful for him, but I think he was honest.

I know that the best thing for our children would be for us to have a loving and happy marriage that would keep our family together and provide a firm foundation and a positive example for them. I also know that I deserve to spend my life with someone who wants the best for me – who loves me and respects me.

I am really leaning toward giving this a chance. I have an appt with my counselor this afternoon and I hope that he can help me sort thru my feelings. I do believe that I need to get out of ‘limbo’ at some point – as long as I don’t commit one way or the other, there is not much possibility of progress. And, I am ready to move ahead. I am tired of being where I am. It is depressing and not fun here.

That is where I am today. I told WH in plain and firm terms that there are conditions to my willingness to work on the marriage. 1. I will NOT tolerate another A. No exceptions. If it happens, I am done. Peroid. Exclamation point. End of discussion. 2. We must go to counseling as long as deemed necessary AND do what MC tells us to do. 3. He must move back to my bedroom when I am ready to have him. 4. We must spend time together as a couple – without the kids. He enthusiastically agreed to these things. But, the true test will come over time when he has to actually do these things.

I’ll check back later and let you know what comes out of my appt with IC.

Have a great day! WTW

WW, and hopefully he has agreed to leave his job and send the OW a buzz off letter? I think you are on the right track. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WTW

Have you read Hopeful4future's " pure venom finally" thread?

I can't think of any WS more deserving than yours .... when the time is right. And really, the very BEST condition in which to explode all your rage, is in the office of your marriage counselor.

Don't be surprised if this happends. It's cathartic for both of you.

I can't see how it will help recovery if he is working in the same school as OW for the rest of the school year...even with his good intentions...it just isn't a good idea, especially given their LTA. I would be very uncomfortable with that.

W2W,

You need to expose.

I know, even the good Dr H says wide-open exposure is not always necessary when a garden variety affair is completely and totally ended by the WS on D-Day.

But LTAs are different, click, LTAs are different, click, LTAs are different, click, LTAs are...

After this much time, you should assume WH and OW have already been through several arguments, breakups and getting back together. What’s this new hurdle to them?

There is so much more inertia in an LTA than you can possibly realize.

You must consume the entire prescription. If you don’t there will be a relapse. Worse, the virus will gain new immunity. I am willing to spot you odds on it.

Cut no corners!

A very strong NC letter is absolutely required no matter what.

With prayers,

WTW2: I am glad that you and he finally came to terms with this. The reality is that you knew he was having an A, so you and he had built up this shell so you and he wouldn't have to deal with the A. Your emptiness and confusion is because you and he were living in a pretend, artificial world, and now that world has been destroyed, and you don't know what to do. (Which is probably one of the reasons you never really investigated the A...)

The day after my last and final "break up" with OW, I was a totally different person. I had a different set of priorities. I did start working on the M and making a better life with my W. I'm sure my W had the same misgivings you have.

My W and I have worked very hard to have a great M. My W and I have simply a wonderful M now. I hate to describe it because it sounds so incredibly sappy when I do. (No, it is not perfect.) It is a work in progress, as all Ms are.

It is OK to want to build your life with the guy. It is OK to be optimistic. You share a lot of things with him that you will never have with someone else. If he and you work on you M, you can have something really beautiful.

((( Jimmy )))

what a great uplifting post

thanks

I agree Jimmy. I think willing needed time to process what was going on. Sometimes our mind will protect us until we are strong enough to deal with issues. I think willing's WS started to sense the changes in her, or knew by watching her changing behavior that it was time to stop or he would loose her forever. It was also probably stale with his OW, just where was he going from there. I'd bet he started to look at willing and see the woman he married, the mother of HIS children, the woman who had been at his side and now was leaving.

I do believe there is hope now that it is in the open. Good post Jimmy and so true.