Hello. I'm pretty new, yet a long time lurker.

We all know how painful divorce is! We all know the losses of divorce, and all the painful emotions that go with it. Not to mention all the drama involved. It seems to never end.

But I have learned, that as time goes on, things do level out, and there is life after divorce.

I've been divorced for almost 11 yrs. now so I know this isn't a fresh chapter in my life. My emotions are not as raw as some here. My purpose of posting here is to offer hope to those of you going thru the freshness of divorce, of how it looks to you now, and how it could look down the road. For me, looking back now, is two totally different worlds!

My emotional gain from my divorce, is FREEDOM from his choices and actions! It's no longer my problem. I know longer worry about where he is, what's going on with him, what he's doing, what he's thinking, if he cares, how he would react to things. This has actually made me stronger. He and I can actually have a friendship, now. So I guess, in the end, I've gained a friend, simply by detatching from him. Sounds weird, I know, but possible.

I know I haven't shared my story, wasn't sure if it would be of any interest. Just wanted to let you know, there is light at the end of that dark tunnel! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I think if anyone wants to add to this thread, STEP UP, and lets talk! Let's bring this board up to speed, like the GQII board! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Jennifer68

Come out, Come out, wherever you are!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have only been divorced for about two months (from when it was legally final, it's been 6 months since he said he wanted a divorce) and the gains are immense!

I didn't want the divorce and would have done anything to stop it - but now... I feel like I should thank him for insisting on it. I have myself back! Without him constantly telling me how stupid and incompetent I am, I actually feel pretty smart and clear headed and able to take on the world again. Like I did a long time ago, before he beat me down. The funny thing is, he didn't like who he turned me into any more than I did.

I don't worry about social situations where he would cause a scene or scream at someone, I don't have to worry about what kind of "mood" he will be in when I get home from work. I don't have to worry about how much money he spends and how much money he doesn't make.

Light at the end of the tunnel? More like the most beautiful sunrise you've ever seen!

Navarre-

Good for you!! I bet you never would of guessed how peaceful it would be on this side of the fence!

And the part about making scenes, and the moods, and the money thing, BOY I forgot about those parts!! You're right, that light IS a beautiful sunrise at the end of the tunnel, maybe even a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!

AMEN! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I think for many of us on the boards where D wasn't our choice, we've come to learn that we are in far better places now than in our M's, and much healthier emotionally and happier people.

I think my holiday stress was about 1/2 of others I spoke to.

I agree, Newly. I'm now back to who I was before the M. Somehow, I had allowed myself to become someone else during the M. Someone I did not know or like.

It has been much more peaceful.

Hi.

I'm only in the first stages of divorce - papers have just been served and STBX and OW have yet to respond - but STBX has been gone since April 3, living with the OW.

I think there is a difference between legal and emotional divorce - my emotional divorce began back in April, so I'm actually quite a ways along that road.

Now that I am over the worst of the pain and asking why why why my life is sooo peaceful! I sleep with a big teddy bear in my bed who doesn't snore and doesn't pull the covers off me on a freezing cold night, yet is great for a cuddle. I am mistress of my house; my girls know my word is law (no more 'wait til your father gets home') and respect me. Better still, our relationship is stronger than ever before - they love me more now than ever. We are a self-sufficient unit of three, not a unit of four with a piece missing.

I don't think I've returned to the person I was before I married STBX. I don't want to be her - she was silly and quite selfish. My kids have grounded me, made me a better person. But there are hints of that girl re-emmerging. I now weigh less than I did when I first met STBX - I have more wrinkles yes, but I hold my head high and accept any whistles that come my way with a smile. I want to be single; perhaps I will do some carefree dating when I am divorced, but I don't need a 'proper' relationship at the moment, and won't for a long time.

Nine months ago, I never would have believed that I could have been in a healthier emotional place without my STBX than with him. When he left, I was totally crushed. But now, instead of focusing and missing all the good times, I think about how badly he often treated me, how he never really cared about me (not the way I cared about him) and how I deserve so much better than that. If I can't get better than that, then I am happy to be alone, happy to be 'just' a mom to my two beautiful girls.

I am the queen bee in this house! It rocks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

I wish I was as far along as Jennifer and Alphin...but I have made some great strides as well, if I do say so myself.

I too, am in the process of returning to who I am as an individual, but that process is very hard for me, as I was/am a raging codependent, who was "plucked from the vine" before I really discovered who I was. So not only do I have to return to myself as an individual, but I need to discover who that individual actually is.

I have broken away from my perfectionism, to an extent, and allowed myself some slack. I know I can't do it all, not all at once, at least. I am learning to pace myself, and not get upset when things don't get done.

I no longer base my opinion of myself on what I can provide/produce/give, I am worthy of someone's love just because I am.

I have embarked on a lifetime long process of learning, improving myself, and being the master of my destiny. No more of this victim mentality. If it happens in my life, then I either chose it, or allowed it to happen. I am a helpless martyr no more.

I am not yet to the point of being able to say "thank you" to my exWW, but I get closer every day. I think back to my mindset prior to the A, and how bleak a future I had pictured for myself. Now that picture is so full of possibilities, I cannot even get a grasp of what color that light at the end of the tunnel is.


TM

Great line Alphin! Me and the girls call ourselves the EWITs, extraordinary women in training. But they told me that I am already a EW!

The holidays were interesting. I tried to muster up some longing and missing him feelings. But heck, he never went to the family stuff anyway. This year was no different, except I didn't have to bring him home leftovers!

Alphin and Travellin Man-

What AWESOME stories! These are truly inspirational! It gives alot of hope, I'm sure, to those who fear the future without their SO.

I have 3 girls, and they have always understood why I did what I had to do. I hope I set an example to them, to NOT spend your life being the victim, but instead, not to tolerate or accept certain behaviors. They are now pretty well grown.

I was as well, (am) a co-dependent, but now aware of it, and know what I need to do, when I need to do it!

Thankyou for sharing!

I must agree, there is life after divorce, takes a lot of time for all of us to recover from the pain of the seperation. I am into my third year into divorce and each day it has become better for me.

Just three months ago I went out and bought myself a new 32" flat screen lcd tv, when xww found out from the kids that I did, she calls me up and wanted to know why, my response was ( We are not married anymore, I don't have to answer to you or give any reasons for my actions). Feels good that I do not have to answer to my actions, and fighting about petty things. YES I feel free.

She also found out that I got myself a new pair of infinity speakers and had to give her two cents. It feels good to finally move on, I have not found a new partner to share my life with but I sure devote enough of my time to raising my two kids. Report cards came out this past friday, my son is on the honor roll, my daughter (1 st grade) had all exceeds on her report card. I am proud of them both because I was afraid that they would have gone into an emotional turmoil after my XWW left me for another man 3 years ago, left them behind in Florida and moved to Vegas to be with him seven months ago.

Eventually the tables do turn around and you feel like you are in the winners circle, while WS feel they have the upper hand at the begining, BS will be laughing in the end.

All Alone,

It does feel liberating, not to have to answer to anyone but ourselves! It's something that takes getting use to. I caught myself a couple of times, explaining myself for something, until it finally hit me! I don't HAVE to do this anymore, HE cannot control me, unless I ALLOW it! Once I stopped allowing it, he started explaining himself to ME! Even though I no longer needed any explanations from him. Talk about the tables turned! Something I never would have expected!

I have to go back to co-dependency, here, for a minute. I have to admit, this was my role in the failure of the marriage. I spent alot of time, trying to "change" him. Clean him up, make him "right". He was an alcoholic, drug user, and eventually, a cheater. I thought I could "help" him. The only thing that changed in this process, was me! I was trying to control his behavior and actions, instead of my own. Once I finally GOT that concept, in Al-Anon, I realized, I needed to work on MYSELF, and the choices I had in front of me. Basically, I learned, I could accept things the way they were, and just live with it, or remove myself from the situation. But no matter what, things weren't changing anytime soon as long as I stayed. And how could he have respected me, if I wasn't respecting MYSELF!

Amazingly enough, he changed some years after the divorce, and has some deep regrets. I've been able to forgive him, and move on. I don't know if I could have fully forgiven him, had I stayed. I know we wouldn't have re-kindled any kind of friendship or love, if I had stayed. Now, we can be friends, because there is respect.

Anyway, just my take on the co-dependency thing.

Jennifer68

Please tell us a little more about your story, Jennifer. Did your XH leave for the OW? Did the A last? Is he sober now? What are his regrets, and does he have peace now, as you do?

Alph.

My XH had a few one night stands. The final one, though, I think he actually considered leaving me for. This occured over one of his weekend bingers. But before he had the chance to decide if he was leaving, or not, I was gone. He came home to nobody to leave.

I had previously told him, after the one before the final one, that if it happened again, his honesty would mean nothing, I'd be gone. It happened again, and I was gone. This was the turning point, where he began to take me seriously.

I was young, with 3 babies, and no time to play games with him. Financially or emotionally, I had nothing to lose. I packed up the babies, and went home to my parents. The babies are now grown, (18 yr. old twins, and a 17 yr. old.)

No, his A didn't last. He ended up doing 5 yrs. in prison. He's been out for a little over a year now, and is clean and sober. Doesn't even smoke cigarettes, anymore.

He regrets all he has put the girls and thru. And my parents. He's been sorry since the day I divorced him. I told him I was sorry that I had to divorce him, but he understood.

He is now re-married and seems happy, but still always mentions how he wished things could have different for us. All the things he could have done differently. I don't wish for him to dwell on this, I've forgiven him.

I wish him well. I've met someone new, about 3 yrs. ago, and have found in myself, I still have issues to work on with myself. I'm trying to take this one a little slower.

Anyway, thanks for asking. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I could go on and on. This is just a nutshell version of the story. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Jennifer68

Thanks for that, Jennifer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I guess I am still one of those feeling some 'raw' emotions that you mentioned in your first post. I have come a long way these past 9 months, but I know I am not there yet!

I have accepted the demise of my M, even look forward to its end now, but I need to let go of my anger. And I can't, not yet.

I guess this is something that comes with time. It's still early days for me - not even a year - but I feel that now he's out of my life, I want him completely out of my life - that is, out of my head, too!

My problem is that STBX shows no sign of remorse, or regret, or the slightest idea that he's done anything wrong at all by leaving his wife and children. According to him, his affair and abandonment of us is for all our benefit, and as long as he keeps paying for the house and buys the kids lots of candy when he sees them, he's just as great a dad as he always was! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I guess I can't begin to forgive him when he's still in the A. But I think he may always be with this woman. Can't tell for sure, of course, but I get that feeling.

How do you forgive someone who isn't sorry? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

That's a good question, Alphin. At this point, if you do forgive him, it would be more for you than him. To give yourself a piece of mind that you're doing the right thing by forgiving him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I didn't give my situation a chance to progress into anything further than it did. I was probably too afraid to hang around, and see what would develop out of it. I did know, however, it wouldn't be anything good or productive.

I had spent so many years, trying to be understanding and supportive of him. I should have left because of the drugs and alcohol, but it took something a little more personal for me to leave, such as a 3rd party.

Anyway, I agree that it's hard to forgive him, when he's not sorry or remorseful. Do it for yourself. Eventually, after time goes by, it'll get easier. He has to come to his own guilt and shame, when the time is right for him. And I suspect, when it does finally hit him, it'll hit HARD! That's where it's hard not to feel pity for them.

Jennifer

One more thing....

Your feelings of anger is normal. We have to allow these feelings to surface, otherwise, it will build up, and we end up carrying it with us everywhere we go. Something we don't want our new future to begin with! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just another thought. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jennifer

Yes, the gains of this divorce process...

I still am the person I was when we met, but he took advantage of me... He used me to benefit himself, and I was always at the bottom end of his priorty list...

Now, I am even better. I am the same person but BETTER... I laugh more, I have less stress, I have control over my life again. I am not used and ignored.

My social life is getting better. I don't have to answer to anyone. I can raise my children the way I think is right. My teens saw how my STBXH treated me... Neither of them want to be like him, and are happy for me. I deserve better.

I have learned more about myself and my needs.
I am number one! No longer are my children and I the last priority!

I no longer cry because I am lonely and I shouldn't be...


I can smile and believe my time will come to find the right one for me/us....

Good for you, Wendieann!! It is a huge relief not to deal with some of these things anymore, isn't it.

I used to walk on eggshells around my X, not just for me, but for the kids as well. Once we were out, I felt like we could all be ourselves, and not be afraid of anything.

Free, at last! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />