W had EA/PA (ONS) one year ago. Told me 4 months ago. Had major breakdown.. in recovery. Both in therapy together and alone and W on ADs.

I know W is having email chatter with ex-coworker (OM) and it's inappropriate. He's been asking for photos (she may have sent one before breakdown/recovery) and now implying he needs one for masterbation (not in those words), joking or not, she's not getting angry!! why isn't she stopping it? she asked him to stop but not with anger and she knows I'm upset but acts like she doesn't know why. Well, she doesn't know I see all the emails.. there lies the problem.

WHEN DO I BLOW MY COVER and STEP IN and STOP THIS.. or do I? It's killing me. Do I address with him and risk it all. Should W ever know about surveliance? EVER? Let it ride and see what happens? It's too hard for me.

What to do? Step in and tell him with a reply to his email that how he would think his wife would like seeing these emails?

After all I've been through.. why can't she cut this idiot off and pay me that respect? why can't she tell me I was right about him and that he's not just a friend but wants to f#$$ you. Is she dumb? Naive? Doesn't want to hurt his feelings? In need of the attention?

DAMN, this is so difficult without all the cards on the table.

I want to email him and threaten to expose to wife, just for kicks.. My gut tells me my W would not put US through anything like an A ever again, She says she has the Fear of God in her.. yeah.. well why entertain this jerk off's request for photos then or why not cut him off??

I know nothing so why am I upset.. right..


thanks all.

EM

EarthMan,

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this terrible situation.

I think the best thing to do is to tell her you know that she is still communication with him - without revealing your sources.

Also, I recommend putting a GPS tracker in her car. Some others here have used voice recorders in the car, but I haven't done that. I learned a lot from the GPS.

You do need to confront her - and tell her plainly that any communication with this man under any circumstances and it any form is unacceptable.

But, I don't know about timing. I sat on my info for a long time - just telling her that I knew that she was going to his apartment.

I'm divorced now.

But, there are others here who have saved their marriage, and on Monday they will be back at work and at their computers. Just bump up this thread on Monday and you will get more comments.

The nice thing about this place is that people here know what you are going through from personal experience. I know you're probably lonely and in pain. Keep posting on this thread and let us follow along on your journey of pain and perhaps we can help.

-AD

NEVER threaten exposure .... only do exposure

Collect all your copies of their emails and hand them over to OMW .... in person in public ... tell her they are having sexually charged discussions, and you don't know what else, but you want it to stop.

AFTER you exposed to OmW, wait until your W finds out ... THEN tell her .... either you stop this now, or our marriage is in serious jeopardy.

And when she questions you about how you found out, respond with a question "Are you going to stop this destruction to our marriage?"

Earthman,

Don't have good answers, I am in a similar situation, I know how frustrating it can be. If you expose, you give up this good information source right?

I found that just exposing to my W did very little, they just got smarter about how they would get together.

I got a lot of good advice from this forum to expose to people that can put pressure on your wife.

I did that and it seems to be working ... So I would consider showing the eMails to the OM wife and your wifes parents. If you show to your wife, or threaten the other man, they probably won't stop, just get sneakier.

Good luck, I know the place you are in.

EarthMan,

I agree 100% with what Pepperband said. Do it! Now! Don't wait. Don't warn. Just do it. Take control of the situation. You will put them both off-balance and scrambling.

-AD

but what do I really gain? she's not a child.. she will do what she wants..
I don't want a "controlled" animal who I must watch over.

I want a mature, loving and respectful spouse..

If I must now stop this by exposure, I've then changed the course of events of what may have happened.. or what was supposed to happen.. I can't spy on her for ever or expose her forever.

Do you understand.. Have I already lost the battle..

what battle

you haven't tried ~anything~

If the OM is married you must expose and this new contact gives you the perfect excuse and opportunity.

As far as not revealling your source you can make up other ways for getting the same information. For example, if you are using a key logger than you can tell her/them you just hacked or guessed her password then monitored for a couple days to confirm your suspicions.

Another thing...make up something like that you went to her Msn or Aol master account and changed the user setting to set up her POP Server to Carbon Copy to your secret email account all of her incoming and outgoing email. This is not a real way of getting info but if your wife is like mine and fogged out she will have no idea what you are talking about and believe it can be done.
Besides...her mind will be racing about being CAUGHT to much to focus on what you say. They only ask for details to see if they are really busted and to figure out if they can lie their way out of all or any part of it.

Regardless, if you only hacked her password then no matter how reveal you may have to give that method up and switch to another method...keylogger, Voice Activated DIGITAL tape recorder, etc because she'll change her password. It's not the end of the world. Busting her and EXPOSING TO OM'S WIFE is far more important than keeping your survellance open. In true recovery...you'll get access to it all anyway.

Mr. Wondering

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.
Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.
Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.
Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A
Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.
Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

If your wife was on crack or meth would you just sit back and wait for her to quit or would you help her with all your power to get her away to break free from her addiction.

I admit if the crack head keeps going back eventually you just can't keep saving them...however, I am telling you once that one OM is out of the picture you can restore your marriage and will not have to monitor her for the rest of your life.

Help her break completely free of her OM. Once she has No Contact then you will really see what you've got.

Besides...if OM'w wife knew and you did not would you not want her to tell you the truth. She deserves the truth and her knowing may just be what your marriage needs to survive. Don't allow their SECRET to continue to fester on your marriage and theirs. EXPOSE

Mr. Wondering

IT IS A SECOND OM, NOT THE ORIGINAL OM. SHE IS STARTING UP WITH ANOTHER OM HERE!

all the more reason to expose without warning

EXACTLY...do not pass go..do not collect $200.

Like you said...you do not want to babysit here forever anyway so what does it matter if you give up your source. If she is willing to jeopardize your relationship AGAIN, her addiction to the thrill must be addressed and stamped out.

Mr. Wondering

so even though they both know mutual people, professionally, I should expose?

What if I just address OM in an email, threatening him with exposing to his W first.

My W thinks it's ok and claims she would stop someone in a thread if they crossed the line.. Did he not cross the line with the photo request, post strip club visit??

and then W tells him that her H (ME) is a techie and to watch his emails.. not, STOP IT...

I'm so sick of this ******.. she still doesn't know I know about the emails per say but I was able to communicate with her about what's appropiate and what's not in communication with men without telling her. She simply htinkgs its ok to joke aobut sex in conversation.

I want to ****** with him first.. .what do you think? he may back off since he has a W and I suspect knows nothing. OR should I go for blood?

Why not expose to his wife. He knows the risk sticking his foot across the line, but will continue if he is allowed and your wife is allowing.

Earthman, you're not listening. You've received some excellent advice already and you're choosing to ignore it.

Do NOT threaten anything. Threats are indications of weakness on the part of the party delivering the threat. They are NOT useful. Do NOT threaten, period.

Don't threaten the OM. Phone threats can be taken very seriously by law enforcement these days. Second, you do NOT threaten, period.

You’ve been advised to expose. You do not threaten to expose. You EXPOSE! Expose to the OM’s wife ASAP. Why would you delay? Are things going to get better if you do not? Tell your wife what you’ve done after you’ve done it, not before. Also, you do NOT threaten, period. Do you have that?

Now get busy saving your marriage.

so even though they both know mutual people, professionally, I should expose?

yes

What if I just address OM in an email, threatening him with exposing to his W first.

you will look cowardly, and all it will do is alert them to become more secretive

My W thinks it's ok and claims she would stop someone in a thread if they crossed the line.. Did he not cross the line with the photo request, post strip club visit??

your wife is crossing the line .... by not stopping him

and then W tells him that her H (ME) is a techie and to watch his emails.. not, STOP IT...

expose to OM's W today

I'm so sick of this ******.. she still doesn't know I know about the emails per say but I was able to communicate with her about what's appropiate and what's not in communication with men without telling her. She simply htinkgs its ok to joke aobut sex in conversation.

Maybe his wife won't think it's OK .... and besides, if it really IS all innocent and "OK" .... then your wife should have NO PROBLEM with OM's wife reading the emails

I want to ****** with him first.. .what do you think? he may back off since he has a W and I suspect knows nothing. OR should I go for blood?

just expose already .... quit discussing .... it's necessary and you know it ... so just do it

Look, EM, let's go through the scenario

You contact OM and threaten to expose.
1) OM contacts you wife and tells her "your H called me and threatened to talk to my wife".
2) OM and your W discuss strategy.
3) OM says "I'll take care of it."
4) OM tells his W "There's some jealous guy who keeps calling the wives of every man at our office and saying that his wife is having an A with their husbands. Everybody is upset about it, but we don't know what to do." blah blah blah.

5) OM and your W go back to what they were doing - only a bit more secretively, and with better cover stories.

6) Sometime down the road, you actually do call OMW and she hangs up on you saying "crazy guy, my H warned me about you."

You see, by threatening to expose, you give them control of the game. You have the advantage here. Use it!

-AD

I may expose to OM's W on Monday.
My W told me this morning after all night session that SHE will severe to "protect" the marriage and that she didn't take it as hitting on her.. naive...

he has no game.. I have the emails!!!! and proof to her.. I also know people who know her if I need to play that card... he has nothing to doo but go away.. OM's wife know's who my W is so he can't do what you claim he could.. not even close..

Let's see how she severes it..

BTW.. this has been email dialog with a co-worker and they have mutual friends so this may get out to the entire network... I'm playing how hard I hurt him by ear..

it's not illegal to threaten to tell his wife about his emails...

I have the emails.. and I know her through some people at her company.

she also knows OF my W since her H and my W worked together..

I haven't lost ANY leverage..