I am a man, mid thirties and extremely confused and unhappy.
It's a long story so please bear with me.

I married my college sweetheart 8 yrs ago. After 5 years and 2 kids our mrriage went sour. Resentments and withdrwal took place despite our best efforts. We didn't divorce because of the kids mainly.

I left home and migrated to Europe to replenish myself with the intention at some point to restart my marriage. Instead I met and started an affair with my lover with whom I've been living with for the past 3 years. I wanted to marry my lover and fulfill my life, so I decided to stick to my guns regardless of how I felt deep down about my wife, to give her the answer of sorry - divorce.

Last year my lover had an unplanned pregnancy, and we decided to have our baby despite our former decision not to have kids.

When it came to that moment to spell divorce, I guess I choked and I began to tell my wife of my affair instead. The reaction was volcanic and was the most painful sight I've ever seen. I broke down and I decided not to go further by telling her about the baby, who was a month old by then. I was overwhelmed with guilt, sorrow and pain. I wanted to fix it so I told her I'd give our marriage another shot. It felt like the right thing to do.

When I tried to tell my lover about my intentions, she too was devastated and I went through the same feelings all over again. I just couldn't find the strength to end it. After 3 happy years and a newborn, it felt like the wrong thing to do.

I love them both very much. I love my children too and want to have a family again but which way do I go? I never meant for things to get this way or hurt anyone but I want to do right things once and for all. Somebody please reach out to me??

Mr Unhappy, welcome to MB.

We don't get a lot of WS (wayward spouses) on the boards, but there are lots of FWS (former wayward spouses) around who understand where you are at.

So, basically, do I have this right? You have a wife here in the states of 8 years, with 2 kids (ages?) and you are currently living with her?

You also have a 'lover' (we don't call them that on this site - they are the OW other woman, STOW stereotypical other woman, OP other person...) who currently has a 1 month old, who became involved with you when you were separated from your wife and living in Europe. You have been with her for 3 years, and she is raising your 1 month old baby. She knows you were not divorced and about your 2 kids, but became involved with you while you were separated? Correct?

You have promised your wife another chance at the marriage, but when you told OW and she flipped you backed off.

So you are torn between the 2 "families" basically?

Who are you living with now?

Your problems may all be solved if you are honest and your W (wife) is told about OC (other child). She may not want any part of the marriage at that point. That needs to be her choice to make. She needs complete information to make that choice. You have hurt her enough. Don't keep a secret like this and try to reconcile, and then let her find out later - you would NEVER be able to recover that trust. Did your wife know about OW for the 3 years you were with her?

Who do you WANT to be with? At this point you have obligations to both sets of children. Who can you commit to for the rest of your life? How are your COM (children of marriage) doing, with the separation?

You have created a very difficult situation, but there are always people on here (MB) who have been thru and created worse.

Did your "lover" fulfill your life? Was/is that relationship based on honesty? Affairs usually aren't. Is it based in reality or fantasy? Affairs are usually more fantasy.

Please clarify for me who you are living with now, and if you are in the states or Europe, and which place OW & OC and your W/COM are...

MSA

I agree you NEED to be honest w/ your wife. It will be even more painful the longer you wait.

You need to decide who you want to be with, noone here can make that decision for you, but you can't be hiding the two relationships from the woman.

Think about this ....

"best efforts" means not stopping until you are successful .... trying something for awhile, and if it is not helping, trying something else.

Want to REALLY try something that works?

Call the Harleys

You will be amazed how puny your previous "best efforts" appear once you get some actual proven methods into practice .

Call the number on this site before you do anything else.

Your head is up your nether regions, and the air is MUCH fresher once you live authentically. Your prison is self-built. Time to move out of jail and live like the MAN you were intended to be.

[b]call the Harleys today !!!!!!

With all due respects Mrs Stow .... he needs to ask himself what sort of MAN he wants to be.

Step one ... becoming someone of integrity.

He cannot be "with" anyone until he becomes real to himself.

Thank you so much for your response. Sorry about the nomenclature, I didn't mean to offend anyone. I'm still in Europe, but I'm living alone at the moment. I thought I'd need some space to think things through and receive help. OW is at her mother's. W & COM are back home. To answer some of the questions you put forward:

The affair was not fantasy at all. Very much reality based. Fulfillment was there. OW and I were a good team.
This furore is the only reason I've opted to be apart.

I've discovered that the reason why I didn't seek divorce earlier was fear of losing access and a relationship with my COM. Had I faced that fear long ago I know I would have been honest and strong enough to go through with the divorce. However I've made a mess of things.

I know that I have to go the way of deciding who I want to be with but because of the situation now I must overcome any fear of loss and find the courage to tell the hurtful truth to one. I've also considered I should take into account the emotional well being of both COM & OC. The COM are no longer 'babes' and have minds of their own and are more susceptible to emotional instability if there is a divorce. On the other hand I don't want OC to grow up feeling unloved and unwanted by her father. No child deserves that burden.

The scales are tipped in favour of returning to W. My W and I are talking really well and I am working towards acquiring a family home over here in Europe. I am still aware that I may very well terminate a good relationship to give my marriage another go. The whole scenario is quite daunting to say the least but I've got to address it.

I read a post from someone who reunited with her H and the OC is a loved and accepted part of their family. They don't care about what people think and take pride and comfort in the fact that their marriage triumphed over adversity. That inspired me alot to at least try to work at this problem.

I know the bottom line. I know what I would hope for may never happen. I will however seek help and guidance from MB before making any attempt. Please feel free to maintain contact. I'd like that alot. Bye

Ladies, I am really grateful for the feedback. I incessantly think about all these factors and concur that I should contact 'Doc Harley' ASAP.

Not a lot of marriages can manage the above... but there is hope potentially. Potentially.

First of all, if you are serious about trying to recover your marriage, your W will need to know about OC. As I said above, she may not WANT to try to recover the M once she knows, but you MUST be honest with her.

I do sincerely hope that you call the Harleys. We counseled with Jennifer Harley Chalmers for 6 months and it was extremely helpful.

MSA

Can you clear up for me what your relationship has been like with your COM for the past 3 years? Aren't they already tremendously adversely affected? How often do you see them?

Our relationship seems alright. I did make a huge effort to not only bond with my kids since they were babies but to also keep in touch with them as much as possible. I've been able to visit twice a year on average and the time we spent is invaluable.

My son is almost 7, is the elder of the two and is doing fine and wants to live with his dad, his hero. He's very outspoken for his age and I won't be surprised if he does ask me to explain what happened between his mother and me in the not so distant future. He'll then think his dad is probably not all that great I suppose. I hope he'd still love me.

My daughter is 4 and is also beginning to accept that I'm her dad and would need me to develop that father/ daughter bond. I really want her to have the comfort of knowing she has a dad who loves her and can 'make it better' when things go wrong. A dependable Mr. Fix It.

As I've said before I love them very much and couldn't bear to lose them.

No offense, but that does not seem like very much time to me... ?


My heart breaks for your children, having their dad across the ocean. I hope they can come live with you as a family with their mother. Of course he will still love you, no matter what you've done. Kids have tremendous love for their parents, and a need for that relationship and closeness. They look up to you I'm sure, and will continue to idealize you on some level no matter what you've done. That is just how kids are. I do hope though that you strive to earn their respect as well as their love.


I hope you can work on that... she needs you.


What about your OC? You will presumably feel this way about that child as well? Are you prepared to do No Contact if that is what your W needs from you? Or will you insist on contact with both women/all children? Just curious, one way isn't right or wrong in this unenviable situation, just every couple is different how they want to handle it. It depends on your W, the OW, and you...

Have you told your wife about OC?

MSA

Mr.UN,



I would have to disagree with this statement.We see it all the time here at MB but the fact is this OW had no business being with you until you were actually divorced.What she respresented was an escape from the trouble you had at home and personally,so when an OP enters the picture it all feels so "right" even though it is SO wrong,on all levels and now you are understanding that a bit more now since there is a huge mess to contend with.



Many wayward spouses(WS's) tend to rewrite history to make what they did more "acceptable" in their minds,afterall,if things were so bad then you had every reason to get away and do what you wanted right? What about your marriage vows? Do they mean anything to you? Does marriage? The excuse about staying for the kids is not a sound one.It's amazing to me that the women who bear men their children and who stay by them are rountinely discarded by those who should PROTECT them and LOVE them just so they can be "happy" or run off with someone else and escape their lives that they are part of.If we all ran off and found someone else to help us cope with our daily lives when it didn't go perfectly then there would be no one left married at all.Where is the committment and respect and faithfulness to those women men marry? How does it come about that the children of this union are the only important parts left and not the marriage,not the spouse,not the committment?




Things may be going well with your W right now because she doesn't know all the facts.In my view,if my WH had fathered a child with some other woman it would be over forever.But,your W has to make that decision herself,as the other's have said.It could be the last in an extremely horrifying scene that you have perpetuated.But that is the first thing to do,tell your W that there is an OC.And now,you might be realizing that things werren't so bad and there may be hope.Too bad it was so late.The possibility was always there though and you refused to see it in favor of the OW.The best thing you can give to your children is a loving, happy marriage and family to grow and thrive in.Speaking as a child of divorce and going through one now in my own marriage just because of the selfishness and confusion of my WH,put your chldren first UN.That is your responsibility as a parent.You have left a lot of pain and future pain in your wake.


This is truly quite terrible and sad.They don't deserve this "part time" presence of a father.They are missing out because of your confusion and really poor choices.Harsh? Yes, but it's reality.



Haven't you already? Seeing them 2 times a year is like being some distant cousin.They WILL be affected when they are older and understand more.You have put at risk the very essence of the father/child relationship.Time will tell.I have experienced this first hand.

And, you are setting a very poor example to both children of how to treat women,act like a man,solve problems and be faithful and committed to marriage and vows.

No matter what you decide,think of this: the "bond" you had with this other woman was not based in a true loving,honest,caring and appropriate way.She had no business being with you as a married man and she knows that yet she was just as selfish.If you end up going with her,it will not be as you hope.We have seen time and again that relationships born out of selfishness and the extreme pain of other's rarely lasts,and if it does,it would not be something I would ever be proud of or be able to be honest with my children about.The bottom line is you cheated on your wife,hurt the children,failed to protect the marriage and your children.

I do hope things will work out with your W.The marriage can be much better if both spouses are committed.BUT,YOU are the one with the issues and poor problem solving behavior.Until you fix that,no woman,not even this OW will be the answer.

O

MrU, please tell your wife about OW/OC before you uproot she and the kids to Europe. As someone who's lived overseas, it's a huge adjustment in itself, so don't do it under false pretenses.

Wife deserves to know the truth ASAP. It will be incredibly painful for her all over again, but you cannot build a healthy marriage on lies.

Your kids do **NOT** need to know the details at such YOUNG ages (7 is not old!! they are barely out of storybook land). Once your marriage is settled one way or the other, there will eventually come a time to tell COM of OC... but not now. We discussed this w/a counselor at length (not time to retell) and it is best to be honest but vague, as in: "your mom and I are working some things out, but it is not your fault and we both love you." Telling them of xow/oc would only confuse and upset them at this age and considering they barely see you, muchless oc.

Your wife will be the one to decide if she still wants to try to rebuild and under what conditions. Please buy or borrow some good affair recovery books (by Harley and/or Janis Abram Spring). Rebuilding trust will not be easy, even if wife's willing.

You might be faced with: if wife is willing to recover your marriage, but unwilling for contact w/OC ever, what will you do? Will you give up OC for wife and COM? And Do Not bombard wife right away re:contact! Give her time to grieve your marriage, your lies, what she's lost. My own feelings re: contact with OC changed somewhat after our marriage had time to recover and rebuild trust. Hopefully you can understand and give her that much, considering you're the one that created this mess!

After some time and counseling (please please get counseling, both of you!), if wife's adamant that she does not want you, or does not want contact w/OC, the ball is back in your court.

I assume you'll be financially responsible for both OC and COM regardless of contact.

I gotta go for now. Be honest. Accept that you've done wrong and apologize apologize apologize apologize apologize... OUCH!

Ditto calling the Harleys for counseling!

J
married 19y
3 kids and visitation w/7yo OC