I have read all of the articles on coping with infidelity but some things about my situation just don't seem to fit any of the answers. I found out about my husband's affair 6 weeks ago. My husband tells me that the affair was not sexual only conversational/emotional by phone and that 2 meetings took place where he kissed her but nothing else happened. My husband seems like he really wants to work on our marriage but there are two major problems. The first is that he didn't meet this girl because he worked with her or she was friend or anything like that she is just a girl he met in passing at a softball game three years ago and she lives hundreds of miles away already. It is difficult to get the two of them any further away from each other and yet the affair keeps starting back up by phone. The other major problem is that the need I am not meeting for my husband is a need that I can't meet and never will be able to. My husband originally told me that he was no longer sexually attracted to me. I was willing to do anything it took to fix that problem - ANYTHING. But as we have continued to talk we have discovered that what attracted him to me in the first place and what attracted him to this girl and other girlfriends he had before we married is that they were having some major emotional problem having to do with men in their lives and he feels the need to fix it and make them not think all men are bad. Since marrying my husband I have gone through counseling to overcome my major emotional problems with men and there is nothing left for my husband to fix and that somehow makes him no longer attracted to me and makes him feel inadequate. My husband has stopped talking to this girl and started the process of going through withdrawl on five occasions so far. The longest he went without talking to her was 2 1/2 weeks and he had started to overcome his depression somewhat but then this girl calls him and tells him how hurt she is and that she thinks he hates her and that she will never be able to be happy with anyone else and then he breaks down because he can't seem to let anyone think of him as one of those guys that broke a girl's heart and then everything starts all over again. This girl is very young and immature and we can't seem to figure out how to make her go away. My husband even changed his phone number but she tracked him dow. Does anyone have any advice.

Desperate to get the the next stage,

K.S.

Tell him how this has broken your heart. Let him see how much you need him -how lonely you are ect. This will give him something to fix.

Kand, your H needs to end contact with her via a no contact letter that is written together and mailed by you. It is very much in your H's hand to end contact, he just doesn't want to. If he stopped taking her calls, she would stop eventually. sample no contact letter below.

If contact does not end, then you need to call her parents, husband, etc and expose the affair.

Secondly, what appeals to your H about women with emotional problems is the ability to solve problems and be the knight in shining armour. There are many other ways to meet that need of us, such as appealing to him for his help and assistance in your life. My H has this need and I fulfill it by asking his opinion often and asking for his help in fixing, repairing things. This makes my H feel needed. And that is what your H wants, he wants to feel needed and looked up to. You just have to find the way to help him feel that way by trying different things.

A good start would be to read the books, His Needs, Her Needs, and Surviving an Affair. There are some very good questionaires on this site that will help you better understand and meet your H's needs.

Dr. Harley?s (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she?s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

Just an idea.

After you do the N.C. letter Melody advised then you must become his accountability partner. Change phone numbers again or just completely disconnect the land lines and go completely wireless with a new cell phone contract. Better yet...you get the cell phone ONLY and he can use your phone when you are together but he doesn't get one for say 3 months. At work, he is not to answer any phone calls himself or any unknown calls. No email either. Close all email accounts and set up new ones. He is only allowed to use your home computer and you will knowingly install password protected keylogger software which will enable you to check up on his computer use whenever you want. If he has a computer at work do the same thing...because it is password protected only you will be able to access it.

Of course, this is all his choice...he must be willing to allow you to be his accountibility partner.

To appeal to his need to help or save people tell him you desparately need his help helping you save your marriage as ridiculous as that sounds.

Hopefully when OP tries to contact him there you will be. You'll get the call and politely ask her to respect your husband's wishes as outlined in the "no contact" letter then hang up. She'll stop eventually.

Mr. Wondering