My H kept lying to me about his affair and I have caught him in the act three times after everything was supposedly over. He swears now that it's over and actually let me listen in on the conversation when he told her goodbye. He also let me lock his phone so he can't call her and she can't call him but I have been lied to so many times I still don't feel like I can trust him. He told me it was okay if I felt like I had to check up on him if it made me feel better. He went to work-out and I dropped by and he was where he said he would be but I had a really bad feeling so I waited in the parking lot. I saw a guy and a girl walk out together that looked like my H and the OW, then the guy walked back inside. About 15 minutes later my H came out alone and I confronted him about the OW but he swore it wasn't him and he was really angry that I was accusing him. Then that night he started talking in his sleep and said "I hate that I can't stop thinking about you" and then later said " No, (MY NAME) it's only a matter of time until I leave you." I woke him up and got really angry. Now he doesn't want to talk to me because he thinks I'm paranoid and going insane. I know I just keep pushing him away but I'm so nervous all the time and I don't want to be made a fool of.

WHAT DO I DO?!?

A.L.

Don't let this all be swept under the rug. You both need to do some real work on your marriage. I suggest that you get the MB Home Study program and work through it together.

If he is not being honest and wants to maintain his A then they can become more sneaky...like getting and hiding a secret cell phone. Beware.

What about M counseling with the one of the Harley's or a pro-marriage counselor? If you are in a real recovery then it will take both of you participating and being committed to creating a better marriage than pre-A.

It is good if he willingly has given up his passwords and let you listen in on his goodbye call. How about him composing and sending OW a No Contact letter to follow up on that call?

It sounds like he is making it appear like nothing is going on but the attitude is still there and that's something I would be concerned with. If he is truly committed to your marriage, he should be willing to work through recovery with you. Have you gone through any of the MB steps?

What t/d? Ask him what his plans are to make you feel safe. After all this betrayal, a mere slap on the wrist isn't all he has to endure to restore your trust in him.

So stop trying to guilt him, just give it back to him and so it becomes his priority to make you feel safe.

I listend to the 'end call' more than once. That alone isn't enough. I witnessed the end meeting on another occassion. See how it can go on? Each time my trust was smashed. In fact, less than 40 minutes after the so called 'end meeting' that I witnessed, the OW called. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Talk about rage and anger.....

Share these tidbits of experiences with him.....let him know that so far he is in the right direction but still in the mire...... the marriage and recovery isn't out of the quicksand of the A yet......you need to feel secure. Both of you.

Ask him the best way to approach him when you have a question or concern. Then use that approach for A and non-A issues. Our line is: 'can I ask you a question?'


L.