Hello All,

Just a quick update on J and me. We are doing great. Our relationship is continuing to grow. Reaching deep inside me and being as honest as possible on this one...I have to admit I still need to rebuild trust with J. I hold back, I even hold back with some of the excitement I know I should feel about being in love and J being in love with me... J doesn't seem to hold back at all, the tables seem turned a bit. When we got back together, it took a lot of persuading before I finally got back with him. It's been, I think, at least 6 months since we got back together, (not good with remembering dates), and J has been nothing but the most consistent, sweetest boyfriend in the world. I ask myself often how long until I finally take down my own wall and I have no answers. I have noticed in the last month though I am seeing it come down slowly. Yet sometimes I know I remove a brick and then put it back but I do know that more bricks are coming down than keeping up, so it's getting there.

I have decided this year to let him more into my life and into my boys life. I also think the history of the boys going through a tragedy last year has left me with being much more protective of them than even before but I see it's time for me to open that part of life. The boys have seen him but on a very limited basis.

Anyway, there's my update...

Anna

Any chance you're thinking in the back of your mind, that as soon as you open up, he'll close up?

I'm glad things are going great for you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey there EXBC!

You make a very valid observation, I am going to think about that possibility over the next couple of days. If it's part of it, then I really need to make some changes because well this may sound strange but if he's going to change over me not being such a "chase" anymore, I'd rather it be now and get it over and done with than later.

I have to say again though, I am amazed at J's change. Okay, I just so you will see what a change he's made, let me just go through a few things...show you the new J after everyone has read about the old J months ago....Before, sometimes I would go three days without a call from J now the new J calls me every day and sometimes even three times a day just to say hi and he misses me. The old J never introduced me to his parents, now I am getting to know them and I spent Thanksgiving at his parent's house. Never showed an interest to let me into his private world and now he has let me read his diary, gave me a key to his townhome, asked me to go to places like his old highschool friend's birthday party...J never brought me flowers after me telling him how important it is, now he brings me flowers, and on my birthday he brought me roses <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> took me to a very nice dinner, but my favorite most memorable thing he did for my birthday is knowing how much my favorite place is the Zoo, he gave me a homemade gift certificate to the Zoo with a picnic included. We went and had such an awesome time and he made an incredible picnic for us...

Boy, typing this and thinking back to the last 6 months.... WHAT a change...and it makes me think there's no wonder I am still a stunned over the transformation.

Soooo BC, How are you and your guy Westley doing? Are you still on cloud 9? Wasn't there a wedding? Are there pictures? I wanna see them!

Take care lady,

Anna

Westley and I are doing good. We've had since July to get used to living together, and that has gone fairly well. It was hardest for him to get used to having kids 24/7 instead of just on weekends!

Before we lived together, we talked on the phone daily too, and often said/say "I love you" three or more times in a conversation. It may sound smothery, or just weird to less verbal folks, but neither of us dislikes it, and we each initiate.

We've disagreed of course, but we've not had anything I'd consider a "fight" as I knew them. The worst we've done is a few times been too mad to talk and waited until one or both settled down. Usually has to do with kids. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

We got married last week, but the [color:"purple"]wedding[/color] is still to come! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Really looking forward to it!

I understand the major change thing. In the first months of dating Westley there was NO talk of future, love, etc. ... he was really anti-marriage and there was no talk of commitment. But from the night he told me he loved me, he has been talking and thinking "forever." I flip flopped big time on the marriage issue. I was not ready the first few years. I'd think I wanted to be married, but as soon as he started being less anti-marriage I'd bounce back to NOT wanting to be married. Thank God he was patient with me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Wow, Anna that is quite the change in J... right down to the flowers!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Sounds great, I'm glad you are enjoying this!

I'm curious, did he have any "explanation" for the 180, or did you figure out any reason for it? Seems almost too good to be true, I'm wondering what was holding him back before?

Anyway, enjoy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

AGG, not being able to get in to someone's mind, I will just tell you want J has stated....Some where down the road, between friendship, dating, friendship, breaking up...he fell in love with me, but because of his actions he thought it was too late and he said it was like someone pouring ice water on him. He woke up and realized that even if he didn't get me back, he needed to make a change in his life. He said he realized he shut out everyone from really knowing him, his friends, family, the women he dated and he was going to change all that with or without me. Since that time his friends have said they have noticed a difference in him.

J & I are still doing great. I love him very much but lately I have thought about how after my divorce it seems like I can walk away from any man and any relationship so easily if things don't work out. A friend of mine was telling me she felt like after her divorce she became cold...I thought about this a lot because it does seem easy to move on and I think it would be even this time with J, it made me question my love for J, and then later I told her "We aren't cold, we just put things in perspective now, a break up with ANY man after a devasting divorce from a marriage of 17 years and then learning afterwards we can be still be happy, we can survive a family breaking up after putting our hearts and souls into our marriage and family, and knowing that my sons have gone through so much over the years and that I had a close call with my oldest son....a break up with a boyfriend, even one I adore so much, just isn't so bad anymore'..."

Anyway, gotta get to bed.

Later.

Anna,

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So it took him realizing he could lose you, to realize just how much he really does love you.

That he looked within himself and seen what he was doing and how it not only affected his relationship with YOU, but everyone around him is awesome. His willingness to accept that *even IF I never have a relationship with her again, I still need to make those changes in my life, so that I have a more fullfilling life.*

I believe you can trust the changes because those things show a REAL change and not a I'm only changing to please her change in his life.

I hear you about feeling "cold" after the divorce. When Westley and I were dating, I went through those feelings a lot. Before I was married, a breakup was devastating. After the divorce, I often felt like if we didn't work out I'd be just fine.

But love won out and now I'm married again and even though I love him more than I've ever loved before, I still have that feeling that if something were to happen, I'd be okay on my own. I think it is more emotional maturity than coldness now. I feel so much more... complete.

Anna and XP;
I so much agree with you about the "moving on" after break-up ease.

I've dated (a lot) since my divorce, and I am able to very easily put those relationships behind me and move right on.

In fact, my last XBF had a real problem with how quickly and easily I was able to end our relationship and be over him. In fact, eight months later he's still pouting about it (but getting better...)

And, I have that confidence that you talked about XP, that if things don't work out with current BF -- everythings still fine.

Is this a girl thing? Or do guys feel this way too?

Nah, it's not a girl thing at all <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. I have broken up with more than my share of women in the past few years, and aside from feeling sad for them, have not felt heartbroken.

I think it is a combination of a few things. One is the fact that after going through a divorce (with kids involved), I know that no breakup can match the pain of that. Another is that after dating a lot since my divorce, I know that there will always be other women out there to meet. And finally, it probably is the knolwedge that even if I don't find anyone else, I'll be fine alone, and I would much rather be alone than being with someone and wishing I were alone...

Sometimes, though, I do feel a bit sad that I seem to have this ability to cut the cord so easily. It does make me wonder if I have become too cold or unfeeling, or built a wall around myself, and I sometimes wish that I were not able to walk out the door so easily. So, while I like that am strong enough to leave a bad relationship, I sometimes wish I were a little "weaker", so that I would not walk out at the first (or second) sign of trouble. You know?

AGG

TR, I am starting to trust his change more and more every day and I agree with you, he sees that he wants a change with or without me and that is good.

XP, Lexxy and AG,

The more I think about it the more I compare it to knowing what is tragedy now as an adult and what is not....tragedy....Devastating earth quakes, deadly hurricanes, war, death before time....and probably even the break up of a family.........breaking up while dating, a relationship not working out...that's sad for a while but no tragedy and I remember thinking once when J and I broke up....My kids are healthy, I have a job, family is great, J didn't die we are just breaking up....not so bad afterall...

AGG,

I look back at my marriage and the only good thing that came out of it are my children. I wouldn't give the guy I married two dates now. I have matured alot, and we should both feel very lucky we know when to move on now, when to follow our brain and not our heart.

Well, took a quick break from painting my bathroom and now I'm back to it....Must be a coincidence it seems like I come to MB only when I am painting something. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Anna