A new aspect to affairs both E and P or both:

(1)Do you think having an A (any kind) is just another form of abuse in a relationship?

Considering the fact that abuse (unlike some common misconceptions) is actually deliberate could it be true that a spouse might even do something like this just to hurt their spouse deliberately? Even if they were trying to cover up or play innocent could it not be that their angry outbursts and degredations about BS's suspisions be a cover up for abuse?

(2) What kind of reaction is normal if the supposed WS is really not having an A? Anyone know?

Thanks,
Tare

Are A's just another form of abuse? multiple choice, up to 2 choices
	yes
	no
Votes accepted starting: 01/08/06 02:29 PM
View Results

I would just like to reply that what you asked is exactly true in my situation. My wh's affairs began and continue as a way to deliberately hurt me. My wh has intense anger at me and more so at childhood issues that he takes out on me, and when he feels hurt and angry he lashes out. He knows that being cheated on, or him being with another woman is the biggest worst hurt he could do to me. I had told him this many times in our marriage before there were real problems, so he knew exactly how to hurt me. His A's are absolutely done deliberately to hurt me for me making him angry or hurting him. Yes, this is a true statement. mlhb

(1)Do you think having an A (any kind) is just another form of abuse in a relationship?

I am curious as to why the word "just" is in the question?

I find I cannot answer honestly (the poll) since it includes "just". Too confusing and ambiguous for me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

(2) What kind of reaction is normal if the supposed WS is really not having an A? Anyone know?

The non-guilty response is concern for the hurting spouse and openness to having their actions looked at in order to ease the mind of their spouse.

With abuse, you matter because you are the recipient of the abuse. With infidelity, you don't matter because someone else is the recipient of the love. The source of both abuse and infidelity is lack of care.

Cherished

If there has been abuse in the relationship in the past, is this yet another way to possibly abuse one's spouse? (Maybe that is less ambiguous)

Tare

Absolutely! Yes!

If it is done with the full knowledge of the spouse - with the intent to hurt or control the spouse, how could it not be abuse?

I remember a time when my XH got upset with me about something, and then went out onto our patio to suntan. He took off his watch AND his wedding ring. He did it in a way that he KNEW that I saw him. It was his way of "teaching me a lesson." Kind of, "if you don't behave, I will go out and find someone else." It was subtle, it was silent, and it cut me to the bone.

This was about 3 years after the "physical" abuse stopped.

I absolutely believe that an A is a form of emotional abuse. How many here have considered suicide? Once healthy emotionally, the BS is now reduced to a feeling of unworthiness. Of course, each BS reacts differently. Some handle it better than others. Some are stronger.

And then once the A is discovered, more emotional abuse. Mind games, manipulation, lies....the list goes on.

The stronger BS finds a way to work through this.....recovering themselves and becoming stronger in the process. Some never recover emotionally.

Yes, I believe it is abuse.

Kim

svb,

We have off and on gone thru the physical abuse. Have been married 15 years and at the beginning it was a little rocky for a few years after that things settled down quite a bit and we seemed to be happy and content until this recent episode almost a year ago w his "friend". Needless to say, upon all the red flags and guilty answers I got, and hiding phone #'s etc. I did not exactly react the right way! I freaked!!! Things have escalated from there of course. We have now gone thru several months of MB course and really getting things together. (NC Plan Aing and working on it) We really seemed to be on the right track until right before Christmas. Out of the blue he starts to really complain to me that he is angry that he had to give up a "friendship" w OW just because there had been such a big "misunderstanding" on my part. We had not touched that aspect of our M in 3 to 4 months! Not one word has been said about OW by either one of us!! I thought things were really going well until this conversation. I was actually starting to feel good about our relationship...confident....loving etc. Then again a week later he is having a few drinks w family members that were here during xmas and he came out to the kitchen, I was sitting alone taking a break and he said "sometimes what you think you want is not what you need". I calmly talked w him about this being very understanding and he said at one point he wanted to be free but that is not what he needs and he knows that now.......brings us to this past Wed. night (****** night) Neither one of us was feeling very good (colds) so upon making dinner I fixed us some hot totties. Upon going out to finish dinner he made some antagonistic remark about being my f------kitchen I could do what I wanted. Things escalated from there and I confronted him about the "freedom" issue. (wrong, wrong, wrong) He eventually went into such a rage that he got really physical w me (I look like I've been run over by a train) and all the time I can remember him screaming "what
a f----ing b--- you are, I have given all this up for you, look what I have given up for you" etc., etc. He finally went to bed. Of course for 4 days now HE is walking on eggshells, "sorry, sorry, sorry, I know I don't deserve another chance but I know it was the cold meds and the alcohol....you don't know how badly I feel, etc., etc., etc. I still feel emotionally disconnected from him.

Thus my question about A's being another form of abuse. Seems to me after we had been doing sooooo well and then he takes me off guard and sideswipes me w this "so angry I lost an innocent friendship over you" and then this!!!! Had been thinking that in some sitch's even EA's are a form of abuse.

Tare

report to police .... drive to police station now and show them your body


a crime was committed upon your person

do NOT just "talk" about this ....

go to police now

you are NOT safe just because he feels "sorry" today

Tare,

Are you guys in actual counseling with the Harleys? Are you doing any other sort of marriage counseling? What do they say about the abuse? Has he done individual counseling?

Do you have children?

In my case the physical violence was not too extreme. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> It stopped after marriage counseling. I stopped fearing for my physical safety. The other forms of abuse didn't stop, though.

If you are afraid for your physical safety, I would suggest that you leave ASAP. Do you have a place to go? If you choose to remain in the situation for now, get a plan for leaving - a place to go, a bag packed, and money set aside. Please do that.

Your situation will NOT get better unless he gets special help for a batterer. It will only get worse.

I don't doubt for a second that an affair can be a form of abuse. He's acting inappropriately and turning it around and making YOU feel guilty about it! Makes me angry! grrrr

PLEASE know, too, that the abuse is NOT your fault, and it is not God's will for you. The issue is with HIM.

I am divorced now - for about a month. I've been living alone for 7 months now. You have no idea what it feels like now to NOT have to walk on eggshells all of the time. To NOT have that cycle of months of bliss, followed by the weeks or months of h*!! -- and not knowing when that change will take place -- and wondering what you did wrong this time.

Please, please get help. Make a plan.
Find a local crisis center in your area.

Here are 2 numbers for you:

Department of Children and Family Services
1-800-25abuse

Child Help National abuse hot line
1-800-4ACHILD

If you are in the Chicago area, I can give you the # of a local crisis center.

He may say you're sorry, but I doubt it has really sunk in that he is the one with the problem. If you don't feel comfortable going to the police, you might want to consider a restraining order. No crime needs to be reported.

I did not report a broken arm four years ago. Last year, my husband was offered a job with a prestigious consulting firm and part of the background check was a check on his criminal record. He came out clean.

I wasn't so practical four years ago as to consider these things. I felt like a crime had been committed by me -- I had pushed him (emotionally) because he didn't want me to call this woman from work and I said I would. Yes, it was his lover. He was protecting his lover from a phone call.

There is an abuse fog. The more you talk to others, the better you'll be able to help clear it. You aren't to blame.
Cherished

Yes, I have a plan, I have money, my phone, credit cards, the keys to my car are always on me even as I sleep. I have a definite plan.

Of course he says he is sick about this thing. He says he is single handedly ruining our lives. It is all because of the drinking and taking meds together, won't consider counseling at the moment, nor AA, nor any kind of help, but if I want to I can go, well, I need to and I will go.

I am safe for now, no alcohol. Yes, I will fly to my daughter's house. Have done it before when there was a huge blow up about this OW (that time there was nothing physical)

Thank you all for the heartfelt concern, I really am safe for the moment. (this happened 4 days ago)

Blessings,
Tare

I already have the number to "Safe Place" in my area. Have it on my person. Thanks

Tare

Good! I'm glad that you have a plan and will be going to your daughter's.

Be tough. Don't listen to his sweet words.

...and don't consider returning to him until he gets (not promises to get) the help that he needs. (and nc w/OW). You deserve so much better.

Post here for support whenever you need to.

Thanks SVB,

I Love You Guys!


Tare