My DDs (5 & 12) have recently been introduced to the OW by STBX (against my wishes) and have started visiting at their place. Today they went around for lunch for the first time.

Everything they could possibly have wished for was provided. Lunch was all their favourites, and afterwards they ate cake, sweets, and had hot chocolate with squirty cream on top.

They played non-stop games and used all the expensive art materials that WH had bought them for Christmas.

Then they came back here, had baked potatoes with beans and wilted salad for their dinner, and were faced with me forced to virtually ignore them whilst I rushed about getting everything ready for their return to school tomorrow.

How can I compete with the paradise of fun and delicious food that STBX lays before them when they are over at his place? I can only afford to buy the very cheapest food, not the delights that he can. I can't drop everything and play with them like he does when he is with them, because I have to wash/iron/clean and cook. He didn't cook anything for them, it was all from the top-class local deli near where they live. Heck - he even served the food on paper plates to them this afternoon, and then they all made masks out of the ones left over. It's all so easy for him - he doesn't even have to wash up after them - plates go in the bin and he can continue playing!

DD5 can't stop talking about how great it is over there. DD12 doesn't say much - I suspect she is alot more uncomfortable, but she's too much of a good girl to make a fuss. Next Sunday will be even worse - it's STBX's 39th birthday, so he'll probably take them out for a fabulous time.

I know that the things I do for the kids - the boring, mundane stuff - is really the important stuff, and it needs to be done. But I wish there wasn't such a contrast between me and STBX now! I wish I wasn't so obviously the boring carer, and STBX the fun, money-spending renegade dad!

If you were 5, which would you prefer - expensive deli food and hot chocolate with squirty cream, or a dried out baked potato???

Worst of all, DD5 really seems to like the Omelette (OW). But I knew she would. She's got such a big heart and wants everyone to be happy in her little world.

She's even started drawing the four of them (DD5, DD12, STBX and OW) in little family pictures together.

Sigh.

Alph.

If I were 5 (or 12 for that matter)I would prefer the security of the mommy who loves me, feeds me, bathes me, holds me when I cry for the daddy that walked out on us and makes sure my homework is done..not to mention who kisses my boo boos. Alph, your kids are too smart to be bought. {{Alphin}}

Alphin,

When a predator preys on children, like the devil the goodies come out. Let your children know that it is just an important that they don't have anything t/d with strange people or people who 'pretend' t/b their friends. Teach them the importance of real friendship. Then ask them to apply what they learn.

The OW can't keep up that act. It is just a matter of when and when that is, that little one c/b your best ally.

Have then watch, Snow White and the 7 dwards....then ask them which one is mommy? Hm..... imagine that in the back of their minds the next time they visit?

JMHO,
L.

Don't beat yourself up. It'll be okay. STBXH and OW are teachers. They have been trained to make things interesting for kids. I doubt if they can hold the pace.

My kids have been to Disneyland several times. The first few times, it was lots of fun. Then it got a little old. A little ho hum. They'd rather go to the boring old beach.

You will soon be getting the support you need. It won't be dried out old potatoes all of the time. Your DD-5 is probably quite happy to be lavished with stuff. No matter what she does with them, she will notice that you are missing. No matter how many happy family pictures she wants to draw, you will not be in them. Give her time.

Like FF says, they can't be bought.

Faithful,

I know how much I mean to them, they are both so affectionate and tell me constantly how much they love me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I love being the one to kiss the boo boos and send them off to school clean and neat (for the five minutes that lasts, anyways! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> ).

I know these things count, and candy and squirty cream are like pitcher plant lures. But I just wish I could be a little more fun for them.

I'll try and get more done during the day from now on, so we can spend more time together after dinner. That's a start.

Orchid,

Love your idea about Snow White! As luck would have it, DD5 got Snow White on DVD for Christmas.

Perhaps I should sit down and watch Pinocchio with them too, eh? You know, when all the little boys start turning into donkeys when they eat too many sweets and play too many games instead of going to school? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

DD5: MOMMY! I DON'T WANT TO GO AND VISIT DADDY AND OW AND TURN INTO A DONKEY! I DON'T WANT TO END UP LOOKING LIKE OW!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alphin,

Is STBX paying you enough/the correct amount in child support?

Try not to let this situation get you down. Maybe you could try to set aside a little time each day to spend one-on-one with your DDs. Don't worry about the cleaning - it will still be there tomorrow! Play fun and inexpensive games, give them lots of cuddles and kisses every night, tell them bedtime stories, just be there for them. They love you for who you are. Stay happy and be a great mom to them. There is light at the end of the tunnel (although sometimes it's hard to see that light!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

That's a good point! If OW is desperate to impress STBX with her 'kid skills' she might start preparing 'fun' educational activities for them to do when they start staying over. My girls are smart kids, but if there's one thing they hate, it's doing 'fun' educational activities; outside of school, when their homework is all done... like, can't we stop learning, already? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Drawing has been a lifeline for DD5. She's actually become really good, she's done so many therapy drawings the past few months. I don't mind that she draws STBX and OW together - she makes them really fat, anyway. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Allnew,

Hi. STBX isn't paying any CS right now (it's in the process of being sorted out) but he does pay for the house and most of the bills. I get enough on welfare to live on. I hope to get a good settlement!

I actually hate cleaning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Playing with the kids is much more fun. I'd do it all the time if I could! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Puke.Whenever I read of the WS bringing the homewrecking OP around the kids,I feel my eyes glaze over with revulsion.

Sorry alph.I can appreciate how it must affect you now that the parade has begun. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> It's so unjust that this OW is around your kids.I want a law passed that prevents these people from ever being around our kids.They are not fit to be,EVER.

What's really revolting is when the kids are grown and the real truth comes out about this wretched woman.Right now try to let the kids enjoy all the fluff without much intervention,they are innocents and have no clue about what is really going on.ALL kids enjoy the pomp and cirscumstance,they live in a fantasy based life of goodies,fun and excitement.Doesn't mean they appreciate them more than their mommy.It's just fun for them but do keep up spending quality time with the kids and doing fun things when you can,even if it's a family game or cooking dinner together or making hot fudge sundaes!Make memories they will have with them for the rest of their lives.The OW will never be YOU,no matter what she does! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

O

((Alphin))

I used your situation to have a dialogue with OD. I told her what was happening with you and from the child's point, what advice would she give you:

I love this kid!!

She said "Just let her know that kids are smart enough to know that people who really love you, don't let you eat junk food all the time."

Sorry to hear abt this incident, Alph.

I'm poorly equipped to handle children.. so I have no wise advice.
But I do know, that the same-old same-old feeling gets to kids really quickly.. so bribery wld just seem like "boringggg".

I'm here to just offer support.

~A

Hi Alph. Let this experience inspire you to keep your house happy as you can. Quit sweatin' those clowns.

GC

Jean, you have smart and grounded kids! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ashley and Gray - it's like STBX and OW are going through the first flush of the A all over again (spending money, having lots of fun, not facing reality etc) now that the kids have been introduced.

OW bought STBX a table-top soccer game for Christmas - sweet, huh? They played that a lot on Sunday. DD5 said OW was rubbish at it, and had to stop playing because she has a bad hip (a sad thing to have at age 29, don'tcha think? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ).

Next Sunday is STBX's birthday. He'll be 39 - does his A qualify for a MLC, then? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Can't wait to find out what childish presents OW buys for him then. Huh, at least the last present I ever bought for him was an iPod!

STBX, OW and the kids will going out to the movies, then returning to the septic love nest for a little party. It seems very strange that I'll be missing STBX's birthday. Even stranger than not spending Christmas together - I guess because I had the girls at Christmas.

I can look forward to the big birthday party we'll be having for my father, though. He'll be 70 next month, and DD5's birthday and my birthday fall in February too. We'll be down visiting with my mom and dad for that. BIG celebration! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Hi Alph,

I am facing the similar issues, and these are the things my friends and therapist have told me:

"Kids are a lot smarter than you give credits for - they know which one is 'better' for you"
"Kids may seem to have more fun with the non-custodial parent, but that's because they don't get to spend enough time with him, not because they actually love him more"
"Kids like structures"
"In the end, kids always prefer the security their custodial parent offers"

Besides, your STBXH and OW just recently started to spend time with your girls together, so of course OW wanted to impress them - the question is, how long can she "pretend"??

You are a wonderful mom with lots of fun. And your girls love you so much.

Milk

Thanks, Milk.

It is all new, like the 'honeymoon' phase of the A all over again! And of course, I don't want the girls to be miserable when they go over there.

I wonder what things will be like for the girls if STBX and OW begin having children of their own - DD12 will probably be old enough by then that she won't worry too much about it, but I think it might hit DD5 pretty hard.

Just pondering!

Alph.

Alphin,

The true test of OW's parenting ability and patience may show up when STBXH least expects it....like when one of them pukes from all of the junk food they are eating!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Who

Heh, heh. What a delightful thought!

Alph.

Hi Alph. Sorry to see this turn up.

I would advise very differently than most everyone else here.

I would make sure that I reminded my children regularly that OW is the person who wanted to steal your family's happiness for herself, because she is not a nice person and could not make happiness of her own with her own husband.

I would remind them that teachers are trained to distract children through entertainment while teaching them what they want, in this case, she wants to teach them to accept her as their new mommy without earning it.

NOT telling the children these FACTS is protecting the infidels from the consequences of their actions IMO.

Bless you Alph. I never DREAMED you'd still be in this sh*t after so long. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

BOb Pure.

There's an English fellow in need of your advice (now I forget...I think it is "DRD" [confirmed] ). You'd know more about the laws over there regarding separation, divorce and custody. Please take a look.

Sorry for the threadjack.

Thanks,
Mr. Wondering

Alphin,

I don’t post much any more, but I still try to catch up on a few threads now and then - yours included.

Well, we all knew this was inevitable. As much as we wish it wasn’t.

I know some of what you are feeling, I think. I went through a similar period after FWW moved out.

I agree with FF and the other posters. Kids are a lot more savvy than we give them credit for. DS was 11 when FWW moved out. She tried similar tricks to buy his affection. Once she said she would buy an expensive video game for him. He came home and told me about it and said, “Dad, it’s pathetic. It makes me angry she thinks I don’t see through her. I’ll just play with it instead of talking to her.”

I hope you get significant CS. Fight for everything you want and then some. It will constrain them quite a bit. A little payback is OK. And it will bring a few chickens home to roost on omelet, too. I still don’t think she has staying power.

I agree with Bob to make your home happy for your girls. I used to let DS camp out in my bedroom a lot. It was fun for both of us while reminding him that this was where he was safe.

It’s nice you don’t want the girls to be miserable when they go over there. You are a good mother. You might tell them it’s ok to be happy even when there. That way they won’t feel guilty.

I’m as amazed as Bob that you are still going through this. But WH’s drinking does make MB methods less likely to succeed. I seem to remember SH pegged your WH as lost when you talked to him that time after all.

And, finally, console yourself with the fact hat WH’s ipod probably doesn’t take a charge by now and needs to have the battery replaced. They have to have the battery replaced at a service center and it’s almost as expensive as buying a whole new one!

So, it isn’t the end of the world.

With prayers,

It makes me soooo angry to see your children being so manipulated and your husband being sooo selfish and callous leaving you and the children with too little to live on only to show off for the few occasional hours with his children.

I hope that you get CS and alimony sorted out soon. Normally you would get back payment as well, wouldn't you? I hate seeing you ill and financilly struggling to boot.

Children are not stupid. You older child can certainly see through the manipulation. For D5, it is only a matter of time. Your best revenge is being the warm, dependable, loving Mommy that you are. There is no replacement for that. Ever. No competition.


(((((Alph)))))