Here is a list of my husbands lies. I've decided to write them down only because there have been so many.

Decembers lies....

1. He lied on a work application. The employer said as far as he was concerned he was hired, security job, and gave him his uniform. Then when they did a back ground check, they found he lied on his previous record. He had to return his uniform, with no hire.

2. Said he had a mole by his underwear and needed to see the dermatologist. He really had genital warts all over his genitals.

3. Lied to me about a call by a lady named Pam. He said she was from a previous job he applied for. When I told him I knew he was lieing, he finally told me it was a Pam from a previous Apt. that he applied for back in Sept. I had no idea he was looking for an apt. I was shocked and hurt.

4. He didn't tell me he had got another credit card. He hid it til I found out. Which is against POJA that we agreed to 3 yrs ago, that he doesn't get any more credit cards unless he discusses it with me first.

January lie...

5. He got a Workmans Comp. settlement money in the mail and didn't tell me he had got it. And he told me last week it wasn't going to be what the paper said, but less. When I looked at it, it was the same amount the paper said. I don't care about that money anyway. He got it after he sued a company he only worked for for 3 months, carpel tunnel. But around that time he was heavily lifting weights too. I didn't think he should have sued the company that was so nice to give him a job, and free transportation to work too. He could have had his job back after his surgery, now he doesn't have that chance. I was very much against his doing it.

What do I do? I am so tired of his lies. I am so angry. I called him a sneaky lieing snake. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Lady

Well....rather than tell you what I really think..I will just give you "support" and a (( )))).

If the shoe fits <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

LM

ummm,

LS,just to clarify, had you known about the herpes before?? Was this just diagnosed?

O

Thanks LM,

October girl, no I didn't know about the GW's, he just had them diagnosed in Dec.

Lady

LS,

I'm sorry.It must be so maddening to have to go through this ordeal yet again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> After all this time.

Well,what actions are you going to take? Is he getting another chance? Today seems to be the day about chances for people I am posting to. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

O

O, I don't know what I'm gonna do yet. I've given him 3 yrs to stop his lies. I've given him many chances. Thinking well he just needs more time to "grow."
But after his ONS, he lies more. Or I am just catching him in more of them now.

Lady

(((Ladysheep)))

I have no idea what to say, I know I couldn't deal with it. I just wanted to show my support for you as you are always so helpful to me.

I am sorta cringing as I type this, I want to be supportive but... you are giving him 3 years to stop his lying <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I washed my OD's mouth out with soap the first time she lied to me, it hasn't happened since. Maybe you could try that approach.

LS:

My primary question to you is:

IS HIS continued lying and despicable behavior related to his affair....or his "addiction"?

Bogusly suing a company after 3 months of employment (carpal tunnel...gimme a break) and then getting caught lying on an application and summarily being fired before being hired...seems to me has NOTHING at all to do with an "affair" the "aliens", the "addiction" or a one time abberation of character.......now, I could be wrong, but this is how I see it.

I can sure understand why the ****** you are so mad with his continued behavior? Unfortunately, I don't have answers for ya....I got really sun burned on my vacation....so would you want to take "advice" from a moron who can't have the sense to protect himself with sun screen on a cruise ship no less....I wouldn't....LOL.

LM

I wish I could Jean. I talked to my sister yesterday, and she asked if I was happy yet. I said no. She said she didn't think so. I told her about his continued lies. She said if he can't be a good husband he can't be a good father either. She said he sticks a dagger in my heart, and with each lie digs it deeper. I know she's right. She wants me to move back to Utah where I am originally from. I live in NY, been here 18 yrs.
Sometimes I want to, because I don't think our marriage can be healed as long as he keeps lieing, cheating us etc..He is not helping me heal. He is not helping our marriage heal. But he still tells me he loves me. How can he say he loves me and lie to me?

But then I think of our DS3. I think what kind of bad example H is going to him, but he still needs his dad. His adultery/drug binge 8-23 and his continued lies have not good been a good example to my DS16. But no matter what I say, he hasn't stopped the lies. I would have never picked this type of guy. I thought he was such an honest man when we married 4 yrs ago. Thought he had such a healthy recovery etc... He did all the things I hate most. Lies adultery, and drugs.

Lady

Well, LS, please re-read this quote posted above. What seems wrong here? Ofcourse you (and your marriage) can't "heal" with the "lying" and "cheating"...I know your Waywayd Husband is no longer a "wayward"...but truthfully.....it may be all the same.

Have you ever heard of someone being called a "dry drunk"....? They may not "drink" anymore, but all of the dysfunctional behavior and illogical thinking continues all the same...the only difference is that they are not drinking anymore.

Remember, you have 100% responsibility for your life.

Your WH and the prostitute, the Genital Warts, the unemployment, the bogus law suits, etc......you know all of this and you continue to stay.....I understand your "reasons"....makes no difference...this is still ALL your doing (conscious and willful decision to stay in the marriage).

There is no "impossible" in life....there is always a choice....remember that.

Goodluck and Happy New Year.

LM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yeah, I know you're right. I'm closer to a decision than before. I thought we could build the marriage. He wants to go back to marriage counseling again. Sometimes I wonder why. The MC last time told him to be honest with me for 30 days straight, and he still hasn't made it that long.
Just when I get over one lie, another one comes, and I have to face the trauma of that one, and so on and on it goes.

You know the bible says forgive your brother 70x7 (yes but he's my H), but I am really to the point of never forgiving him again. I'm done forgiving him. He has taken advantage of my goodness and forgiveness to many times. I refuse to be a pushover.

And he acts like nothing is wrong. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Lady

P.S. Happy New Year to you too LM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Lady..

Love ya girl

But I think this is more of abberation of character thing with your H.

His character is flawed and he is unable to do the right things. somehow, lying is his way to deal with reality.

Can't even be 100 percent truthful on an application? Lied about carpal tunnel? The genital warts?

And you expect this man to be faithful to you his wife? I am so sorry my friend.

But I don't see it happening.

You've fought this for 3 years now. And the affair may be ended, but there is MUCH MORE THERE THAT IS NEGATIVE TO DEAL WTIH THAN INFIDELITY.

I see it as he is a flawed person...so flawed that it will hinder you...hurt you...and impair your health if you continue this...yea, not very MB of me on that part...but you've given this time.

I just see this man with such a flawed character that change is not gonna happen. Plus he's a physical danger to you right now.

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

Lem sorry for your "glow".

Once again...do NOT infer from my opinion that I am telling you to "get a divorce" or "give up" on the marriage.

I honestly believe that I am often (unfairly) criticized for doing this when I am in essence just asking someone to explain their decisions and actions. They get all upset and then ask why I am "not" supporting mariage building. I present FACTS and it is upsetting to them.

I don't know what to say about your marriage or to say if your WH is just a "bad guy".....dunno...but the MORE IMPORTANT issue would be for you to define what you CAN and CANNOT accept in life and be willing to LIVE with the DECISIONS YOU MAKE.

I would ask that you just TAKE full responsibility for every day of your life from here on out.

Lady, you are hosting a "pity party"...I understand...but at the end of the day, you'll be right at the same spot where you started from.

Goodluck

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Forgiveness and trust are two different things. You can forgive him, but I don't think you have any obligation (or reason) to trust him.

-AD

I love ya and you are totally 100 percent entitled to not only a pity party...but one involving Ladysheep going out and getting a manicure and pedicure while eating chocolate and sipping good champagne.

You deserve that after this crud he's put you thru.

I am sorry. I see the patterns are not changing that much...other than it's over with OW

Love ya much. And I'd call the Harleys on this one. I see either plan B...but before get this guy to go to some serious counseling with you before anything drastic is done...
1)consult harleys or a MB coach...get sessions. He needs however imho to be seen face 2 face since lying is his primary problem
2)opinion gotten from the pro's on WH
3)if they think it's worth working on more, then do it.
4)if not, go to plan B for definite time period...then pull trigger after that if there is no change.

Set a total time frame for all of this to happen that is good with Ladysheep...say six months...or what is comfortable to you. Again, his behavior is INDEPENDENT OF YOU AND THE M NOW...this is about him. His negative choices...his ability to freely lie and lie well.

I thought Plan B was for getting a Wayward Spouse to end an affair and protect your love for them?

There is no affair now.

The Former Wayward Spouse (one time incident remember) has issues that seem FAR removed from getting his "needs" filled from another woman.

He is a compulsive liar. I am just a clueless guy, but how does Plan B help that?

This is NOT an issue of LS not meeting his "needs"...or is it?

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Then No B...

You're right Lem.

Or a plan B from his lies? See if he can get help and agree to "professional help" for it?

If not, then I guess pulling trigger is in order...legally doing the trigger that is.

JP:

Just trying to clarify some things here.

Too me, perhaps LadySheeps "issues" are even worse than there being an Other Woman that he is "addicted" to amking him do all of these things (rolls eyes).....I don't know the answer....and I am not even suggesting a plan...just that she get it on the table so that she can see what she is really dealing with.

I know the "this isn't my Husband" theory is really hot now days...but I don't know...I find it kind of hard to believe that the FWS in this case just started lying (compulsively) and doing illegal drugs and got genital warts after a one time encounter with a prostitute.....now, as a disclaimer....I could be wrong....but somethings even a "moron" like me would have to question.

The "issues" that LS is going to need to address may be outside of the scope of those dealt with here...just a guess.

Tough situation.

Lm

I haven't posted since 1-8. I have been in total shock, and devastation once again.
H left yesterday for appt's. Came back, and I had a feeling he had got an apt. He did. He hasn't paid for it yet, it's not available til 1st of next month.

I immediately called the lady, whom I know who is arranging the apt for my H. She told me she asked him "H does your wife know your doing this?" He said "no, I committed adultery on her in Aug." Well of course that isn't the whole story is it.

His reason of leaving is...he has caused me to much pain...I'm too sad....he's done too much...he doesn't deserve us. He'll just be single and follow Christ.
Wow!!!

So I told him he might as well find another place to stay until then, because I am not going through the torture of him staying here for another month only to leave.

He called a friend, as I cried, and watched him pack.

I talked with him as he packed that we could have had recovery if he didn't continue to lie, keep secrets etc... that his lies were hindering any breakthroughs. LM, I told him what you said to me, "Well, you have to live with the choices you make." "Walking away, not even trying only shows me a coward, it's always easier to run." But this is a family....it's work, it's not for the complacent and lazy. At some point he had an awakening. He asked if I would accept him back (???notice he was the one leaving). I said only with a commitment from him to stop lieing. He unpacked his stuff, and then went to a meeting.

After he left, I still have some doubts that he, I, and "we" can heal of all of this and have a good future.
Thats because I don't trust him.

Peach and LM,
I know my H has many issues, that's why I don't post that much because they are overwhelming even for MB to advise on. It's overwhelming because he requires so much attention, so much is all about "him." No different than a WW husband, only no OW. My H has been insane, I don't know if it is temporary or permanent. He is really "off" and it's difficult to live with. He hasn't helped me or our marriage heal, therefore leaving me stuck in anger, and anguish. LM, I do think it may be a "dry drunk" period for him. Will he ever get "good lasting recovery?" Will we ever have "good lasting recovery?" I've always hoped and prayed so.

Lady

I agree that this might be more a problem with lying than a problem with cheating. (although related issues) I like peach's advice, that he needs intensive separate counseling on this problem with lying, as well as marital counseling. Maybe check out some info on compulsive lying while you're at it. And enjoy that pity party for awhile too, sometimes we just need lots of hugs and sympathy! {{{lady}}}