I am wondering how a man can go from sweet and attentive to angry at the drop of a hat. My H is angry at me, but won't tell me the reason. This w/e was very stressful. I guess he's always done this to me, but I have began to notice it more since we're empty-nesters and I have grown some brass kahoonas. He told me this moring that I "said a couple of things" that made him angry, but won't say what it was I said. His reply was "just forget it, it will be better in a couple of days". He and I both are big conflict avoiders.

Hi MBOB,

I see you are still hanging in there.

It is so wonderful that you have developed a spine, and it sounds like, that is what is eating your fws.

Its that control issue.

I am still working on improving myself, and am still in Plan A.

It is so frustrating when we are married to those that are controling.

My fws is working on his need to control.

Before when he would complain about something I did or said, I would get defensive and angry.

Now I know what his control issue is.

His insecurities and fears.

My response to him is usually, "you are right, I'll try to do better."

It shuts him down right away. How can you argue with someone that says, your right.

There is usually a speck of truth in what he says, and now instead of disregarding what he says, I think about if he has a legitimate complaint, and decide if this is one of those times where I have become his source of unhappiness through actions of mine.

Different thinking. I am trying to be proactive instead of reactive.
I have a lot kinder husband now too.

KDS-How can I be proactive when I don't know what I've DONE?? I'm currently reading a book titled "You Don't Have to Take it Anymore". It's about handling angry, resentful, or emotioanally abusive relationships. I just started reading and already it's like they've been pickig around in my brain!!

I have started reading "the 7 habits of effective people" and in it there is a lot of self discovery, and learning of finding new ways to view things, and the greatest thing is growing from a dependent behavior person, to an interdependent one.

Dependent behaviored person needs the approval of others to justify their self worth.

Independent behavior person bases their self worth on their own character and principle and is not emotionally crushed when others judge or disagree with them. They self-validate themselves.

An interdependent behavior person self-validates themself, but also appreciates the approval and love of others, but is aware that others' rejection of them does not reflect their self worth.

His book is all about perception, and understanding that you can't change others, but can change the way you see things.

I am not familiar with the book you were talking about. I know I read co-dependent no more, and I found it to be too negative, too willing to dump the other person.

Now back to your question of how can you be proactive?

Proactive would be changing your behavior for the better, through understanding new perceptions or seeing things from anothers point of view. Taking the time to analyze, and think if you are looking at a paticular situation from a distorted view. Reactive would be the knee jerk reaction to problems.