I have been lurking for months and have finally decided to tell my story. I have read all of the books and the things from this site and now am hoping for a miracle.

My WH whom I believe is in full blown MLC (at least 2 yrs) is classic. I have heard all of the babble and have probably not responded correctly. Now he is totally withdrawn.

The last 2 years have been awful for us. Friends getting divorced because of PA's led my H to go off the deep end. He became very suspicious of me. I have never and would never do that so I rightly assumed that he was suffering some kind of depression. Oct 2004 he went to the Dr. and he verified my suspiciousions but did not prescribe anything. Even if he had I really don't believe he would have taken anything. So the problem persists and has gotten worse. Depression runs in his family but noone can tell him or get him to do anything about it.

I decided in April this year to fight for my marriage. I love him and after alot of soul searching knew I wanted to stay with him for better or worse. Began an extreme battle to win back his love. Starting with our 16th anniversary. Special night all seemed to be well. This was the beginning of May 05. But every weekend after that if I made plans he would tell me to go with friends. Became suspicious and one night when he left after I had already gone to bed I got up and followed him.

I found him at a local bar and went in. He proceed to say that he wanted to be alone and that there was noone else. Told me somethings about the wall that had built up between us and he didn't know if we could ever break it down. Didn't know if he loved me anymore. I of course did all of the wrong things. Cried, begged, pleaded. But then I woke up and started searching the internet and started reading every book available.

When I began working on myself things actually seemed to get better. We started MC in July. I really felt us growing closer all through July and Aug. The end of August I had installed spy ware on both of our computers mainly for our kids. (wanted to see what they were doing) And found a secret email account and emails to a girl that I did not know.

Now these emails could have been to his sister they were so boring. Even when I finally figured out how to access his voice mail at work and heard voice mails from her again very platonic. Here is what I did today. Hope your day is going well. Still it killed me. I knew this was not right. So I sent an email of my own to his secret address about EA's. He immediately changed addresses. But found that one too. Then I just watched. The email communication stopped mid October. He was still checking it but there wasn't anything to check. But the voice mails didn't stop.

I know alot about this girl now. Have been by her house on numerous occaisions when my WH is out to be sure he is not with her and have not caught him. I did confront him the Saturday after Thanksgiving with all I knew. He said "How much of my money did you have to spend to get this info" (I am a SAHM) I told him none. I am just good at what I do. He never called her from our home or his cell. Only work. Hard to track that. He swore nothing happened with her they were just friends. I asked him if I had a friend like that how would he feel. Wouldn't answer that one. Finally said I guess you have a decision to make. I said " I made my decision back in April to fight for this marriage. I know that I have done and said things wrong and for that I am truly sorry." He said do you want me to leave for a while. And I said No what would that accomplish.

So here I sit 6 months into this life of the worst rollercoaster I have ever been on with a man that is showing no emotion what so ever. We still sleep in the same bed and sometimes not as often as I would like we still have SF. Mostly on the oral basis.

I told him that as long as he is conversing with her I will not be able to meet his need of communication because she is already meeting that. By the time he gets home he is talked out. I have always been on the small to average size. I have lost 20lbs and am now wearing the same size as our DD. Try to find a size 0 in the ladies department.

I guess what I am looking for is guidance from you veterans. How do you get them to reengage? I really don't think I can take another year of this. I want my husband back not the alien that has abducted him. Will the fog ever lift? Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks for reading.

How old is "the girl" ? Is she a minor?

First, you have to have concrete proof.

Your confirmation of the affair sounds kinda shakey at the moment, although, his actions of secretiveness, and the "I don't think I love you" speach screams of affair.

It sounds like you need to find more evidence, then when you do, confront in a matter of fact basis, not one of demanding to know if he is in an affair.

All ws will deny. So don't bother asking him if he is involved in an affair.

After confirmation, then you need to expose at his work, if that is where the two are seeing each other, his family, friends or anyone that might have influence with him. Let the concerned parties know that you are trying to save your marriage and need their cooperation and help.

Remember, do this all in one full swoop, to avoid giving the ws the time to spin his story.

I see where you have been doing the carrot part of plan a, but have you also eliminated the lovebusters?

Sincerely,
K.D.'s Heartbreak

No she is actually 37. I guess calling her a girl is not really correct but if you heard her talk you would think she was 18. She dressed her dog up and herself as Mickey and Minnie and they went trick or treating. So I think in her crazy head she is a girl. She is a flight attendant and has an apt in Hawii but lives close to us. She flys from Hawaii to Japan. We live in the midwest. So I never really know when she is around. Makes it kind of hard.

You understand plan A, correct?

She sounds like a person who needs recognition and the attention that she can still turn heads.

KD
I have exposed to his family and mine of course, but they know how he is and have not let on that they know anything. They just keep asking him to go to the Dr. He has been having some bad shoulder and neck problems so hopefully that might push him back to the Dr. I really don't think he would take anything though. I have tried to limit the LB's. Every once in a while when he hurts me ie...not going to my parents for Thanksgiving or New Years Day. I respond negatively.

Something I forgot to add was that he is checking up on me constantly. Checking my emails and my cell phone records and if he finds a number that he doesn't know he googles it. That is what really threw me over the edge and I confronted him and told him that it was my Avon lady. That I have never called (every day or every other day), been to a man's home, been to lunch or dinner alone, emailed, met in any way another man while we have been married.

I just wish I knew why he was looking. He sometimes sends stuff to his email at work that I have sent to friends. So now I have stopped emailing friends or delete it if I do. Another thing that was kind of funny was that before I knew her car I drove by her house and wrote down a license number on the back of one of my check books. It wasn't her car but he found that and tried to use it as a password to get into my email account. Once I figured that out I had a grand laugh.

Thanks for the responses

I am really working to understand plan A and am trying my best to be the wife he wants but anytime I do things I know he would like I get a negative response or no response.

At MC he said I was trying to hard. Part of MLC. Tell them what to change and then when they do tell them that wasn't what you wanted at all.

We are both Conflict Avoiders. He will not fill out anything, read anything or do anything to fix this marriage. Told the counselor he was going to have his work cut out for him. Mr. Negative.

Hi sweet, I just replied to you on my thread by mistake, but you are doing great. As much as I want this to happen over night - I know it won't, but we are in this for the long haul!!!

Stay in MB - they are a great help and you will start to feel so strong and so amazing, that your silly H won't know what hit him!!! BTW - At least your silly H is in MC with you - mine is making me wait a month...

Alison

I don't know sweet P, I can see how you are being confused by his behavior.

I am confused by that behavior.

Is it just a midlife crisis, or depression, or is it an affair?

Has his friends affairs scared him into being paranoid that you are cheating on him.

Or is it because he, himself is having an affair?

Maybe someone else has a better grip on whats going on.

Have you thought about contact Steve Harley for advice?

I think alot has to do with MLC/Depression. But when I found out my best friend was in an affair I immediately told my H. Because her and I spent one night a week together and I didn't want to be guilty by association. So I told him that I didn't condone her actions, but she was still my friend. We were also friends with her H. Really made it hard. That was pretty much the beginning of this craziness. I don't know what she may have told her H to get out of the house or what he in turn told my H. But I have never and would never especially now do that. I think deep down he knows this but who knows what tricks his mind is playing with him.

Alison-we have stopped MC. We had to cancel on appt In Nov. and haven't went back. I really think that it was wasting our money until he decides to engage. Our MC was solution based. Go out do fun things bring love back. Won't work if he won't go out with you. I am in IC and she recommended a guy we saw 2 yrs ago. Wasn't in long enough to get all we could out of it but was working while we were going. New concept marriage over children's sports.

Hi Sweet Pea,

What was the new concept about?

If I am guessing right, it must have included making your marriage the priority over the childrens sports.
Am I correct?

Looking back, my kids are now in their 20's and grown, I can understand how their activities start to take priorty over my fws and my relationship.

We sacrificed so much in the name of being good parents.

If I had to do it over again, I would let them take control of their activities, and work on establishing a basis for a long term marriage through love and attention. We all assume that our marriage is going to be there after the kids are grown.

Wrong. I found out the wrong way that our marriage needs time love and attention to keep it alive and well.

I figured out too late, that if your marriage is happy, your children will more likely be happy.

Just my opinion.

Exactly what I meant. Even before we married we were parents. I wouldn't marry him because I was pregnant with his child. I wanted it to be because we knew that we were meant to be. We didn't get married until our dd was 18 months old. Watched that video yesterday big cry fest. Stupid me sent him the MP3 of our first dance.

But never again will I put our marriage last. I will try to show our children what it takes to make a marriage great. Even through trials you can make it.

But never again will I put our marriage last. I will try to show our children what it takes to make a marriage great. Even through trials you can make it.

--------------------
Sweet P


Good attitude Sweet P!!!

I guess when it boils down to it, if kids had to choose between happy parents and activities, my bet is the choice of happy parents.

Thank you KD I hope I can soon add a recovery date to my lines soon.

bump!!! Hoping to get more advice.

Couple of questions, Sweet;

Are the voicemails at work continuing? What did the MC say about his relationship with this woman before you stopped going?

Part of Plan A and putting your marriage first--He won't go out but you can make date night within your home. Did you do the recreational companionship inventory?

Also, the LB you mention was that you get upset when he doesn't participate in family holidays with you and your kids. You don't really say which LB is your response, just that the hurt makes it a negative one.

I can be all off base here, but I have to go with results-based expectations. You're asking how to make him re-engage. How to get him to go with you (out on dates, to your family's house for holidays). That's what I'm getting here and I know how very frustrating that can be. The answer isn't any less frustrating. You can't.

What you can do is to be who you are, say what you think and feel (conquer your own CA), without LBs or demands. You can invite him to participate in something and if he chooses not to, you can do it yourself or with a girlfriend. I wouldn't accept him saying, "Go with a friend." Say, "I would really enjoy having dinner with you at Lonestar. If you don't want to, I will call Karen." You can take very good care of yourself and hold to the difficult task of being intimate with him without requiring the same in return.

That's the only part I thought I could help with. The whole MLC is what I think my H and me went through, but I don't have a background in it. There was a great site recommended on one of these threads for it.

Personally, I think he's checking up on you for both reasons--his own actions and his fear of losing you. He already misses you being his best friend, the early days, and feeling very lost to where he is right now. My H wouldn't read books, talk or engage, either. But he did go to MC and he has stayed with it a whole year (as IC mostly). I want to give you hope. Did your MC give you homework? Books to read out loud to one another? Communication exercises?

At Christmas, I found another secret to my H...he won't read, but he will devour a book on cd within a week. Just a thought. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I had depression for years and can only tell you my experience. I went to doctors and had no medication prescribed. No therapy. I kicked it myself. It can be done. Not that I'm so great--getting to the bottom of it has taken years, too. It was rejection. Self-rejection. Maybe that could be at the bottom of MLC? When we wake up and say, "This can't be my life! It was supposed to be different!" I did that. It really is childlike attitude and assessment. Everything feels upside and backwards, hence, that awakening feeling. I rejected my life and made terrible choices based on hardened resentments which gave me entitlement, and had a severe lack of respect for anyone (excused anyone's bad behavior for whatever reason, but especially, "They just don't know any better"). But first, I was baffled by how I got there.

The depression (which came first) was like a build up and a result in one. It was the result of me rejecting who I was, where my power and control ended, and how I couldn't accept rejection from others. The build up was that stepping over it to get out just led to my own affair.

Hope any of this helps.

LA

Loving

Thank you so much for your response. First I don't know if the voice mails have stopped as he has changed his code and I can't guess it. Our MC was not very helpful with the A. He pretty much didn't talk about it. Said that until he decides to end it there was nothing I could do. Didn't really like that but he did agree that my husband was having a MLC but said nothing to help. Knowing that bringing that up would make my H disengage even more.

I have tried the books on tape thing. Hasn't moved since I gave it to him. I even told him it wasn't just about us it had to do with how to relate to our kids also. Didn't work. He thinks he relates just fine. UGH.

I actually talked to his mom yesterday and she was great. She told me to quit doing everything for him. It seems to only make him mad and to find something that I like to do and start doing it. Great advice. My obsessing about him is my life right now. I live to think of ways to make this better and nothing is working.

Thanks for the input. I am glad that you and your H are in recovery it gives me hope.

Sweet,

I had a "wow" to your response about your MC. Really? What did he think he could help with if your H was under the influence of someone else? Hmmm. And that if your MC were to approach the A or MLC that MC felt it would have a negative effect on your H? That is not the experience I have had. Sounds pretty disrespectful. Think you two could call Steve Harley, or just you? Would be great to experience really good counseling.

Sorry about the books on tape didn't help. My H listened to the cd (a novel) in his car to and from work and on lunch. That was a first.

I know I asked a lot of questions, but when you have the time, it would be helpful to hear what you think about an inhouse date night, or about the LBs and stuff.

I think your MIL is going on the withdrawer/pursuer method, and what has been called here doing a 180. Focusing on him is not good for you because anything under a microscope looks yucky. Okay, that's subjective. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> (There are scientists here who would disagree!)

If you want more info on the withdrawer/pursuer, check out "The more I try, the more he withdraws" thread. I posted there and gave some references.

I'm concerned most about you and not what he thinks (or doesn't), btw. I don't subscribe to trying to get spouses to do what the other spouse wants. That's not contrary to Harley's articles, but it can seem so, if you're only looking at the ENs.

I got to this point by concentrating on me and taking my focus off my H. I was obsessed, too. Living externally. It was the best way to show respect of my H's choices (I didn't have to like them, just respect that he was the only one who had the power to make them). It is a long haul and not a quick fix. Time goes by more joyfully, though, with all the self-discovery.

I don't see "recovery" in your immediate future if he has changed his voicemail password. Working on you, finding out your needs and how many of them you can fulfill yourself is important. Until he can commit to not talking to OW and giving you access to everything, then you're stuck on the recovery trail.

I found it difficult to stop the obsessing. I found out that I use it as a distraction...if I didn't obsess about DH, then it was one of my three sons...and I could alternate. Or work. Or...well, world hunger? Very nearly. So I stopped myself by being attentive to my thoughts, and when I was thinking in my loop "Why doesn't he...?" I would stop and ask myself, could I be saying that to myself? "Why don't I...?" Anyway, it helped to train my brain.

LA

I always put my marriage first. Sigh... didn't make much of a difference in the face of the MLC monster. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />