Hello everyone. Once again I find myself at a crossroads of sorts and thought I would come here for advice.

Here is my issue. I am in my second serious post divorce relationship. I am the mother of four young children. The man I am seeing has none. This was the same in my first relationship as well. My problem is how to get him more involved with my kids.

In both relationships I waited to introduce the men until I felt sure the relationship was serious. In both relationships after introducing them, the men were great with the kids when they were with them, but never took the initiative to join us on their own or hang with us on a day-to-day basis. It was like we had to be doing an organized activity or they would choose to do their own thing.


I guess why I am stressing is that I feel I am at the point in this relationship where there has to be more day-to-day contact between my BF and my kids. I want him to take some initiative in this, yet he tells me it is my responsibility to invite him. Having been a mom for the last 13 years it is second nature for me, yet I have to keep reminding myself that since he isn’t a parent it isn’t as natural for him. Still I get worried that maybe since he isn’t initiating things that maybe he doesn’t want to and this whole automatic family thing is more than he bargained for. I think a big part of it is communication, yet I can’t seem to get past it.

I am assuming I am not the only person to encounter this. Does anyone have any suggestions that I can try?

Thanks for your help.

Take care and God bless!

K

I would think that it would be very hard for any childless man to simply "step into" a family with four young children, and to know what to do. Holy cow! I happen to have two small children, and I still would think that "joining" a pre-made family like this would be a tall order. You have had years to get "used" to having four kids, but I don't think that anyone without kids would have any clue how to "blend" with four young ones.

Anyway, I think that you might need to lead the charge in this "blending", and not expect any guy to just step up to the plate. It would be nice, but not realistic.

AGG

Hi s.r., I haven't had to deal with this yet but I won't let that stop me from adding my two cents. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

It must be intimidating for your bf to be on the outside looking in. You likely have an easy bond with your kids & he may feel like the outsider or even something of an intruder.

My opinion is that you should make the effort to include him. Invite him to just hang out while there's nothing special going on. This will give him some confidence in knowing he can be around kids without every moment being planned. Let him experience that there can be the two of you as a couple while there is the family as a whole.

Not having children then having to deal with an already existing family not of his making is very different than he's used to.

Thank you both for your input. I understand it must be more than intimidating for him and try to respect that, but he knows my kids and gets along well with them. He has come over quite a bit for dinner, etc. but always leaves right away unless we are doing something. So how do I take charge of this situation?

Take care and God bless!

K

OH Still what to think??

Could he be respecting lines previously drawn in regards to the kids?
Or is it overwhelming for him?
Or, Does it appear that you are busy with kids after dinner and he is not getting his one-on-one time with you and that is an issue?

I think can only imagine what he could be thinking, but we could be totally off.

I think the best answer is open communication. Tell him you're ready for more of this together time and see what he says.

Thinking of you!
Karona

I don't know what to think. He won't admit it, but I think it is overwhelming. He says he disagrees on how I handle things at times too. When I ask him to discuss this, he does, but gets very set on his way is the right way.

This last week he said we were a team in regards to the kids. I told him that I thought that was great, but if he really felt that way I would like him to be more involved. He told me all I had to do was ask. Well, since then he has declined two invitations. One he had a good excuse for, the other he said he didn't feel like just hanging out. I don't know, he says one thing, but his actions speak another.

It also goes back to his need to be the constant top priority. He knows and admits that I bend over backwards to make him a priority, but also knows the kids come first. I have told him multiple times that if he can't handle that, that I can understand, but it is reality. At this he always says he can handle it, wants a future, wants to be more involved etc., yet doesn't, so at this point I feel like it is lip service.

On the other hand, if it is just insecurity I want to do what I can to help him overcome it.

Why can't things ever be easy?

Take care and God bless!

K

I'm childless, and have one long-term, and one month-long relationship with single dads. The long-term Dad was a widower, so he always had the kids (no shared custody).

Everyone's different, but generally, we women probably have more natural instinct in this stuff. I would come up with some ideas, or offer to do things, so that the burden didn't lie completely in his shoulders to make things happen. However, I did leave most of the planning and inviting up to him - maybe because I didn't want him to feel pressured... pressured to arrange it, pressured to clean his house, etc.

How do you take charge? hmmm... seems like you just say after dinner, "hey, stay a while and watch a movie with us" , or play a game, or whatever. Or let him know ahead of time, that you and the kids would love for him to stay a while and hang out.

I know for me, it was a little awkward, knowing what to expect over at their house, and I relied on him to help me feel comfortable, and sortof lead me. Perhaps, he feels like he is intruding on your special time alone with the kids? Make him feel welcome to stay and relax.

Outside the home, have you planned any activities that HE enjoys? Like, asking the kids to join you in something HE is doing? (sports, or whatever he does) This might make him feel special, and sets an example for the kids that he's special. It might give him more confidence in coming up with ideas.

[color:"blue"] SR [/color] - I'm wracking my brains trying to remember your situation, but I can't recall. (sorry!) Does your children's father have any interaction or time with them? Is it possible that your BF is respecting the boundary of the children's father? Perhaps his perspective of that father/child relationship figures into this, too.

Hmmm, from this post alone I see some bigger issues than how he interacts with your kids. You provided at least three classic "red flags" above, how are you dealing with those? Are you sure you are not trying to force fit a relationship that is simply not there?

AGG

Still, What I'm trying to say, I mean it in the kindest way possible.

I really think he will need to sit by, and watch you as far as how you handle your children. [unless of course you are mistreating them, which I know is not what's going on here]
You are their mother, and you have raised them thus far to be the children they are today. I don't recall ever hearing any complaints from you about your children and their behavior.

As someone who doesn't have a child, I think they could stand by and say that a parent should do many things. But, until you've walked in the shoes, I don't know that it's fair to judge. I think as a parent, we learn to pick our battles as far as what's really important to correct on and not so important.

Based on conversation from back when, I tend to feel it's a 'time' issue. I could be wrong, but I feel he could think he's not getting enough of your time when everyone is together.
I'd say its good that this issue has come up and is being addressed.

Good luck & keep us posted!
K

(I didn't see your other post right before mine)

When I would make comments and observations about J's parenting, he took it very well. He would say "thank you, I'll consider that". And either he would take my opinions and advice, or he wouldn't. And I respected him for it, because he was the Dad, and he was open to listening to me, and we both knew he had the final say-so. It really worked very well for us.

It is hard for us without kids to understand, and share our time. We do tend to be a bit selfish - we sorta can't help it. Do what you can... what you're comfortable with - with helping him feel comfortable and important.

Thank you all. I guess I am reading more into this than just the time with the kids. I feel I am really working at including him. When he questions something I do I ask him what he would do and thank him for his input, but sometimes his expectations are just totally unrealistic. Still I try to be understanding as I remember how my views on parenting have changed drastically over the years that I have had my kids. For the record my kids are good kids. The two who receive grades are straight A students and athletes with no problems. The younger two are bright for their ages and do very well in school and preschool. We have never had any problems anywhere. They are not perfect, but they are your average kids.

As for the neediness I feel from him, I try very hard to remember what it was like when I was single and responsible for nobody but myself, and to be patient, but it gets so draining.

Thanks for the input.

Take care and God bless!

K

Also, yes my XH is actively involved with the kids. I do think that my BF holds back to some extent because of this, but there has to be more to it.

Take care and God bless!
K

[color:"brown"]SR,

I have this same issue with my BF of 20 months (wow has it been that long?!).

He actually expects me to pack up the kids and cart them over to his place for time together. Partly because that is the way it has always been for him (generally his friends come over and he hosts events), and partly because he has a pain in the butt dog that barks and otherwise makes bids for a lot of attention and I don't have a yard.

I think guys are "doers" and unless you are doing something they just don't think about coming over to hang out. They get restless and bored?

What would you want him to do at your house if there is no activity planned?

I know I personally get tired a lot of times of hanging out at BFs house because I am frustrated at not using the time to complete my home projects, am worried about the kids damaging something expensive, feel like the house is not mine so I can't be completely comfortable, annoyed because he is doing his little projects and not spending quality time with me, or bored because is so comfortable he takes a nap.

Other times I'm exhausted because he seems to always be on the go.

Guys (I think) just have to be "trained" to be household fixtures. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I would guess, also, that they would have to feel useful and purposeful. If he is not living there and there is nothing going on - I would think from my own experience that it is pretty common that he would assume you were busy with the kids and go off to find something to do. My BF was always assuming I was busy with the kids on weekends when they were home until I made it more obvious I wanted to spend time together as a unit. He also came to this independently - that he wanted to find more stuff to do with the kids and me together. Could be that your BF isn't ready for that yet.

V.[/color]

Sunny you raise some valid points. What gets to me is that he has no problem wasting my time at his house. There are many nights we just hang out and I am there while thinking of all I could be getting done at my own house. We have discussed it, but there seems to be an obvious double standard in many things and I am trying to put an end to it.

Last night we both attended a get together with our volleyball team. My kids came as well. We were supposed to go together, but at the last minute he called and wanted to ride separately. When I asked why he said it was because he has too many rules and it is just easier. What he was referring to was that he expects the kids to wash their hands before getting in his car so they don't leave fingerprints and the fact that he parks a great distance away from everything so as not to get door dings. I told him the kids knew what was expected of them and he said, "Oh great, now they think that I'm the picky one." I told him that I had never made his expectations out as extreme or demanding, even though he is in my opinion excessive, but it was obvious that they were his as they aren't mine and I told him they were fine with it, but we were also fine with riding separately.

At the gathering he was fine, hanging out with the kids and having fun. The kids and I left earlier than he, as did some other parents and kids, because it was getting late for a school night and we had things to do and needed to get to bed. I told him this and said goodnight. He seemed fine, but then called later to see why we left.

I guess what gets to me is that he is so worried with public opinion of him. He is extremely anal and orderly, but doesn't want people to know it - he openly admits he is and doesn't want people to think he is weird, so when we are out in public he is Mr. Fun, laid back and easygoing, yet behind closed doors he is different. I say be who you are, but be that person all the time. If it is confusing to adults I can only imagine what it is like for my kids. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I am venting and rambling now so I will go, but there obviously are issues here.

Thanks for listening.

Take care and God bless!

K

Flags, flags. If he is this way now, could he relax enough to blend with your family?

Did I miss something? How long have you been dating?

I agee. He is so wonderful in many ways, but so extreme in others I don't see how we would work. I feel like I keep trying to talk myself into focusing on the good, but I can't ignore the bad.

Over Christmas we spent time at his parent's house. His dad was the same way, right down to putting on a different public face. Anyhow, his mom and I talked a lot and I got to see this wonderful woman who is continually running around making everything perfect for everyone, I seriously don't know how she does it, she has to be totally worn out! Anyhow, I really enjoyed her and she told me she just loved me for my open minded and easy going attitude, she said her son needed more of that, just like his dad. I know, smack me right now - HUGE FLAGS!!!!!!!!!

We have been together for nine months now. All these quirky behaviors started surfacing around the five month mark and just keep getting worse.

Why do I do this?

Take care and God bless!

K

[color:"brown"]SR,

One of the things that is a huge red flag to me is the abrupt difference between the "public" and "private" selves. This is classic of an abuser.

It seems unrealistic to expect children to NOT leave fingerprints, trash, and shoe dirt in any car in which they travel.

I park my car carefully - door dings have become an obsession with me since I started to really appreciate the paint job on my 'vette. (my mid life crisis car)

I would say that as he got more comfortable he started to show the real (scarier) side of himself.

I have complained a lot to BF about his lack of respect for my free time spent at his house. He stopped taking naps and working on other projects (which left me to do nothing) for the most part. This seems to show that he wants to do the right thing. He understands that our time is limited and seems to be starting to accept the MB concept about quality time together and how it doesn't include just being in the same place at the same time...

V. [/color]

Because, just like in choosing our H's we want to see the best in everyone. There are so many redeeming qualities, that we don't want to see the other behaviors. But those are likely the behaviors that led to the end of our M's.

I dated a 45 YO never married guy and there was no way to blend. He really didn't want to see my kids after the first meeting. Some people are never married for a reason. They don't want to open their lives to others. They also likely haven't had long term serious relationships.

I'm on match again. A friend has challenged me to only date someone who has been married before. She thinks they just get it. My DD's counselor suggests I find a widower because then you don't need to deal with an X. I personally don't want to meet someone else with young kids because I don't want to have to integrate my angels into another family. I want someone who will love my kids as if they were their own. And so, the only responses I've gotten are from never marrieds. Hmmm.

Take it slow and watch the flags. Journal if you need to collect your thoughts. Take Care.