Still,

I see so much of your guy in my old guy. [differences but similarities]
The oh so wonderful stuff to, the part of him that I really don't know if I can handle. Right down to the timing, mine was at 4 mos when I started seeing 'flags'.

I think you know the flags that are there. This whole situation seems to really be bothering you, and I really feel for you.
The break up with my xbf was very hard, and I believe you have understood that. I mean it when I say, I marked off days on my calendar, meaning, made it thru another day. That's how wrecked I was. [it's a shame to say, but I think I suffered more with xbf, than the actual end to my marriage. By that end, I was so spent and ready to be out, emotions were gone]

I still see so much wonderful in my xbf, so much that, I wish he could have been....
But, today, I also see the 'stuff' that really bothered me while we were together. And it's that 'stuff' that makes me know I wouldn't/couldn't have been 100% happy if we would have ended up together.

I will be thinking of you. I feel for you and your situation.

Think of you,
K!

hmmm... well... I have "rules" too. Part of that being a non-parent, and having somewhat unrealistic expectations, and part of that being my personality. I don't think I'm as rigid as he is. I can't stand LOTS of dirt and trash... or.... at least if they make a mess, they should clean up after themselves. I can remember getting in their car and I couldn't stand it on many occasions... shoes, books, papers, cups, fast food wrappers, candy wrappers, french fries, etc. I know those things come with the territory, but they are capable of cleaning up after themselves, depending on the age. I have 3 nephews, and have gone through the same things with them over the years. If they ride with me, I asked them to pick up their trash when they got out, or at fill-ups, or sometimes didn't mind doing it myself. It is harder to tolerate when they're not your kids, or when you're not used to it. FINGERPRINTS seem a LITTLE extreme... to be upset about. They CAN be cleaned.

Question is... is he willing to put up with some fingerprints in order to have YOU in his life? Can you help him decide that? Ultimately, I decided I could put up with stuff like THAT. But I couldn't put up with other problems that his lack of boundaries were causing (disrespectful teens, skipping school, some drugs, very messy house, etc), and so we're not together any more.

HI SR,

You know, you are ****very wise**** to be discussing this and thinking about it now...

I will speak to you from the other side, okay? I thought I'd be a great step-mom to my H's children. I knew it would be a challenge, because they have some disorders and added issues, but still-and-all, I really had hope for a good relationship with them. What I didn't bargain for was their obvious pain and anger that lasted for years after the divorce of their parents.

Kids, especially young kids who don't always see what's really going on in a marriage, Aand LWAYS want their parents together. ALWAYS. (My opinion)

Now... hmmm... what was in the way of that for my step-kids? Well, um... I guess that would be *me*, for one. (My H's ex was remarried at the time as well, but that's another story since I'm talking about me.)

My H's kids and I have forged a fairly nice friendship, I'd say, and they treat me with more respect than most other adults, but... it has been one heck of a ride for the last five years.

Under the BEST of circumstances it's a challenge (think Brady Bunch which never really happens)... in the real world, kids are confused, scared and hurting no matter what the reason for their parent's breakup was... and the feelings have to go somewhere... sometimes in rebellion, disrespect and acting out. My step-kids directed some of their feelings toward their parents (especially their mom because she had them most of the time)... but I'll tell ya, I felt like an intruder in my own home every other weekend, as did they at times, for a long time. We *all* suffered.

I'm not trying to scare you, because I know there are good, strong families built around his/her kids... but it's never easy.

So, your bf may just be scared. Kids are scary when they aren't your own, and you have no control over them (I do not believe a step-parent EVER has the right to discipline - although he/she can be a support to the parent and help to enforce the discipline the parent provides) and also, it is scary (especially for a person with NO children) to understand how you can divide your time, effort and love between the children and him.

Finally, those other red flags. Keep an eye on those, okay? Trust yourself...

Thank you all for your suggestions. I guess I am just at a point where I think there is a need to really look at this and evaluate what I want vs. what I have.

I know that under the best of circumstances that things will most likely be a challenge, but right now I feel I am working too much. I do sometimes worry about the public vs. private perception, as I do find it very different and it is making me uncomfortable.

I really appreciate the viewpoints from the other side as well. Being a parent it is very easy to lose the non-parent perspective. I also agree that it has to be intimidating and I think some of his hesitation comes from that. Still all in all I feel he is making it almost impossible to work with. He is an anal neat freak about a lot of stuff his vehicle especially, but I have always complemented him on it and said I wish I could be stricter about my own vehicle, but since it seems like we are sometimes living out of it as we run from one activity to another I have gotten really lax. I also added that I am more lax as my mini-van has seen better days. A point he reminds me of regularily, as he feels I need a fancier status vehicle - Yes, another image thing and red flag. I will throw this in and you will all think I am nuts, but here goes. The house I live in is small for a family of five, my XH and I bought it as a starter home, and through our financial struggles with his drinking and gambling, and then the divorce, I have never upgraded. Anyhow due to size, it sometimes gets cluttered, but I try my best to keep on top of it, it is never "dirty." BF on one hand tells me, not to worry about it, that he can't believe I do what I do, etc. yet at other times he will tell me, "I like a clean house, like mine." Granted his is clean. It is very big for him and there are no kids. Here is the killer though. His parents come every other weekend since his divorce to help him stay on top of things. His dad does the "Man stuff" while his mom does everything from deep cleaning everything around the house to his laundry. I think this is nuts.

As far as the dating, who knows. So far I have dated two childless men post divorce and both have found life with children to be an awakening. Still I agree with newly, I don't know that I want my kids to have to mix with others.

Thanks for letting me vent and work through this. I am by no means perfect, but I don't think I am that bad or my expectations are that much. I think I need to do some soul searching and figure out what I want.

Take care and God bless!

K

My stock line to explain my M is "I saw what I wanted to see". I think too many of us "settled" without knowing it (or maybe we did know it.)
Now, we need to operate with eyes wide open now, for our emotional health and for our kids.

My XBF would comment on my house (neat but cluttered), but his was far messier than mine, and yet he had infinite time to clean - but didn't.

Just watch yourself.

I've stayed out of this for a while, but I have to say that this is absolutely nuts. Take it from the king of red flag spotters (me) - you have enough here to sail a ship. If it were me in your shoes, I'd run like heck and never look back. Sorry <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.


The problem is not that you are not perfect or that he is not perfect. The problem is that you two are wrong for each other. It is abundantly clear in this thread alone.

It is not wrong or bad to realize that your SO is wrong for you. This is why we date. The real tragedy is when people rationalize away al the red flags and get married regardless, only to then decide that they are miserable. You have enough here to call it quits, IMO.

As someone once told me - every day that you spend with Ms. Wrong is a day you miss out on possibly being with Ms. Right (obviously replace "Ms." with "Mr." in your case <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />). There is lots of wisdom in that, I wish you'd give it some thought.

AGG

Thanks again everyone. We got together last night and although things went well and we had fun there was a lot of tension. We discussed going our separate ways and I think it is coming to this.

Good Guy - You are so right, but I just wish it would be easier.

newly - How was your date?

Thanks again.

Take care and God bless!

K

Well I'm sorry to hear this, b/c all break-ups, whether for the best or not, are difficult.

I do admire you for facing this head on, seeking in-put and not turning a blind eye to a sitch that is not right for you and your children....

(((hugs))) SR

DW

I was just thinking of you Still, thanks for the update.

While AGG's point is valid, it is so hard to read, accept, and act on.
Knowing the little of you that I think I know......
You apprear to be independent, strong, and self sufficient.
His parents involvement would scare me away, and I wonder how it would be to be married to him, Yikes!! I would feel inadequate.

Thinking of you,
K

Flags, flags and more flags.

GF moved in in August and he learned she was moving out at New Years when he saw boxes appear.
He apparently has no idea why she moved out and doesn't know where she's living. It's all about her codependency issues.
He couldn't answer a question on what his longest relationship was, and he was afraid to tell me what kind of car he drove. He commented on people who cheated him out of jobs. He also has 2 cats. Do guys with cats mean anything?
I got a nice email this morning, but he is too boring and I likely won't pursue it, unless for a ski buddy.

I think my 2 Match dates were the same person. An unmarried 40ish guy with issues dating a professional female who likely makes more than he does. They seem to be clueless about relationships. I'm guessing the women got bored after a while.
This guy was in my same industry, so we could talk about issues, but I can't imagine holding a telephone conversation with him.

I am learning to listen more and not reveal myself to people who will not be in my life.

I got blasted by my girlfriend on the recap call for not screening people more and just meeting them. Hey, it's not like I'm getting 100 emails a day on match, so I'll meet who I talk to. So, my assignment is to read more of the relationship books.

Thanks for all the advice. I still haven't done anything, but am definitely considering it. It is just so hard. I like Good Guy's quote on every day spent with Mr. Wrong, but still it is difficult when the feelings are there. Wish me luck!


Yikes newly! I have never tried the on-line stuff and you are scaring me away! I hope your luck improves. I had to laugh also as my BF has a cat! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the input. Keep it coming!

Take care and God bless!
K

SR,

Be very selective, after all, this person will be involved with your children. You want someone that will love your children because they are a part of you! You want someone that will put your children at the top of his priority list. There are good men out there! Best wishes for you.

During the dating, we use a 'scale', unfortunately unevenly burdening it; usually we put on it just good things, some of those not-so-good we neglect (don't want to see them because they will be too heavy against 'he's so wonderful otherwise'), some of them we think will be improved over the time... then according to what "prevail", we choose to get married.
Usually.
Then, once married, all those things we had in our mind, come to the surface, in full force...

I'm deeply convinced that each of that problem/issue we had during the dating (but not resolved or totally! accepted) before M, once married we got it - multiplied by 10!


Children's fingerprints... little fingerprints but big flag...
(Btw, what a torture that could be over the time...)
To me, it shows so many (negative) things about him/blending with a family with kids... and not just his 'relation' with his car...
Has to be resolved...

I would... wouldn't use my children though, but I myself would get once into that car of his, dirty all over <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> (for that IS possible/real to be in that situation too, once married and sharing the car too), and watch carefully reaction, moreover, make him accept that situation TOO... or not... and add some to 'the scale' times 10, and see if I could deal with that at all...

Stillreeling - I too were in a relationship where my boyfriend never took the initiative to do anything with my son and I. He didn't seem to mind that much if I brought him over to his house. However, when he would come to my apartment, he had no interest in hanging out. He also never asked me if the three of us wanted to do anything together. I always had to ask him. Then, when the time came for us to do something, he wouldn't mention it unless I did. He would say things like all you have to do is ask me, but I could tell he wasn't into it. I ignored all of these things while we were dating. I tried to rationalize it and I felt that at least he accepted that I had a son and that he knew what it was like because he had children of his own. We went on to get married and things NEVER changed. He had no interest in doing things as a family, only when his children visited a few times a year. This bothered me and we would fight about it. He would give me excuses like my son had to do chores first and that he needed to me around more often if he was going to do stuff with him. However, I know they were just excuses!

All I am saying is please be careful. The signs were all there when he and I were dating and I chose to ignore them. Now, we are getting a divorce.

Thanks for all of the responses. I am doing a lot of soul searching right now along with talking to the BF. You guys are so right when you talk of seeing what we want to see and giving more weight to the positives. I need to be realistic here.

We talked last night and I don't know what he was expecting, but he seemed shocked when I talked about my uncertainty, as if he could be the only one. Anyhow, we laid a lot out on the table including what I think are his unrealistic expectations (fingerprints) and lack of initiative towards doing the family stuff. I told him that I could respect that he wasn't right for the family stuff, but that I have a family and therefore I need more. At this he said he wanted to try and asked me for suggestions and what I wanted. I told him all of these, but I don't know what I am going to do yet.

LilyGrace I am so sorry to hear that you are heading for divorce. You are in my prayers.

Thank you all so much for the advice. I just love this place! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Take care and God bless!

K

Still~~

I'm thinking of you and wondering about your weekend.
Hope all is/goes well.

K

I hope you understood my writing... (sometimes my Engl. is worse than it usually is <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)


Excellent!


As I said, all issues you have now, you should solve it now, before M.
I.E.: every issue you have now, multiply by ten <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, and see if you can be pleased and happy with your R/M if nothing changed (most of times it's worse, multiplied by 10 or by whatever <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)... if you accept them now, you won't be frustrated/unhappy if they stay unchanged later on... you'll just peacefully live with them, if you can, of course, and the point is - you have to know if you can...
For, we will never find 'the perfect one', we will always have to compromise... and will always have to accept negative sides too ('collateral damage' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)... the more you are aware of now, with acceptance, less frustrating will be later on...
E.g. when buying a house <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
You like it and feel you can live happilly in it, but you don't like the price (too high) or location.
Still, you like it more than these negative sides, you buy it, accepting the price you'd be paying, for even with that you (and your kids) can be happy living in it...

My point is that we HAVE TO know all possible issues before M, and see if we can accept them and be happy with that.
E.g., if other things are just fine, see with yourself IF you can deal with this part, without wish and frustrations trying to change him.
You either accept FULLY all negative sides and live in peace with, or you change them now.

But I'm sure you know what I mean, it looks so to me.

Take care

Oh, I totally understand!! When I was on the receiving end of that quote (infatuated over someone who was clearly Ms. Wrong), I did not want to accept it. I kept thinking "what if", "what if Ms. Wrong turns into Ms. Right?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

It's usually only in hindsight that these things become so much clearer - but the reality is that if you are seeing so many red flags now (huge ones, IMO), I would urge you to at least back off for a while. I bet when you look back at this, you'll see all the issues clearly, and say "Phew!", which is much better than looking back after you married a person and thinking "how could I not see the signs??".

Anyway, I know how hard it can be, so I sympathize. And still, there are good people for you out there, don't waste your time with the wrong ones <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

Still not broken up, things still shakey. Why am I so bad at breaking up? Why do I trust so little in myself?

Just venting, wondering, etc. Gave him the Harley's info. on Disrespectful Judgements yesterday and he refused to read it saying you can't believe what you find on the internet. Just another red flag.

Take care and God bless!

K

Still,

Remember what AGG said, "DON'T SETTLE".