Dear All,
I am so ambivelent and it's killing me. Help me sort out through my thoughts! What are questions I need to ask to reach a decision?

Here's the story:
Me: 30 years old, never married, no kids
He: 34 yo, married once, one child, left wife pregnant

Relationship:

4.5 years, two of which living together.
Wonderful relationship, full of love, great competibility.
Problems in communication regarding his ex-wife and managing the step-coupling process.
I made most of the compromises in the relationship (e.g. place to live, activities)
Lack of openness and honesty, primarily on his part.
Talked about marriage and were living together as a next step towards marriage.
Basically, lacked POJA and brutal honesty.

His Affairs:
6-7 prostitutes two years into the relationship (2003)
1 physical and emotional affaire, pre-meditated, a week before he broke it off (August 2005).

Abandoned me (9/1/05) before telling me about the infidelities. Came back a month later (10/15/05) telling me about them and asking for my forgiveness and wanting me back.

Current situation:

We don't live together, not physically involved.

I am ambivelent about going back with him and trying to work things out. Currently involved in two-month relationship with another man, feeling I am falling in love with him.

He: very remorseful, says had revelation and complete turn-around. His infidelity was due to transitional anxiety from his divorce. He's ready to apply all the 4 principles. Even proposed last week with a ring and everything. Seems very convincing that he won't do that again and that he'll work on total honesty and the other principles. Persistent since October eventhough he knows I started my other relationship. Went with me to counciling to work out my anger and resentment over the infidelity.

He is asking for doing plan A since he broke off all communication with the other woman.

I feel:
-we were never married, never made a commitment and that plan A is not an option
-Plan B of complete separation sounds better to me. If I still have strong feelings for him and have gotten over the pain, we can go get a cup of coffee and start from scratch.


He insists on me giving him a second chance for two months, to just reconnect and to allow me to make a better decision about the future of our relationship.

I feel this is a trap. Two months will not help me answer how much he's changed, I'll just fall back into the comfort of our fantastic day-to-day competibility, will not want to go through a break-up and stick around. Then, we'll get married and he'll cheat again or make some other poor choice.

On the other hand, if he is changed, I just spent 5 years taming him and I won't get to ride the benefits of my hard work <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, so to say <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Feel distant from him. Although would love to be married, afraid to get my heart broken again out there.

Ideas how to approach this? What questions should I ask myself? If it were you, what would you have done?

Dr. Harley seems very ademant about marrying a person who meets all your emotional needs before the marriage. He obviously didn't meet my need for honesty and openness, good communication, and common values (as to the number of partners in a relationship).

I feel like after 5 years of us trying to make things work, he has failed one too many tests. At the same time, I have second thoughts. What if he is changed, and I am missing my chance to have a relationship with a great competibility and an unwaivering commitment to faithfulness and the 4 principles.

Any advice? Opinions? Advice how I should approach this? What kind of questions should I answer for myself before going back to him?

Thank you all in advance!!!
Best!

Stay or go? single choice
	yes
	no
Votes accepted starting: 01/09/06 03:28 PM
View Results

Sounds like to me that he has a potential sex addiction. I would want to understand why he felt the need to seek out prostitutes.

I highly recommend you study this book before making any sort of decision ...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6080_buyer.html

.... This man has not been faithful to you before marriage. A very big [b] [color:"red"] RED FLAG

Going, going, gone!

Will the results of the poll be any deciding factor in what you do?

Hi, that's a good concern that I struggled with for two months.

So supposedly the prostitutes were over a couple of months, they have stopped completely since then. I was away at the time finishing grad school.

He says it was his way of addressing his insecurities about recommitting to another woman and having the desires to be with other women. He was under pressure at work. His councilor's evaluation was that there was no compulsivity and that it's not a sexual addiction. It's something that he'll never do again.

Thanks for the advice.

Dating someone seriously, where you're planning a future together, is like an audition. He failed it.

On the other hand, if he is changed, I just spent 5 years taming him and I won't get to ride the benefits of my hard work , so to say

You didn't tame him.

The MB plans aren't things couples agree to. They're drastic measures meant to convince a wayward spouse to end an affair.

He cheated repeatedly, and now he says it was WHAT? Transitional anxiety from his divorce? And he left a pregnant wife behind? How recently?

How do his efforts to convince you to take him back make you feel about him? Not think, feel.

GC

Oh - and how long after his divorce did you get together with him?

GC

I say stay away. Can yoy imagine what it would feel like after 10 yrs a couple of kids and he did this again because something went wrong you gained a few lbs. with pregnancies??? Got sick -keep going my girl. Maybe he will learn ect but maybe not also.

Sounds like your relationship started out as an affair.

Also, sounds like neither one of you gave yourselves time 2 heal before beginning another relationship (you with your new BF and him with his multiple affairs).

I'd run screaming from the room, but that's just my opinion.

-ol' 2long

Hi, thanks for your responses.

Poll results- just curious. Don't know how helpful they will be in making my final decision.

Graycloud:
He left his pregnant wife in 2000, we met in 2001. He got his divorce finalized in 2002. Prostitutes 2003. Affair 2005.

Appreciate your opinion. I hardly have feelings towards him ( I mean, I am dating this sexy guy right now) but I seem to have second thoughts. I am so afraid that I will regret I bypassed this opportunity at getting married to a guy who finally realized how muhc he loves me and knows what it will take to build a strong marriage. HOw many of these guys are out there?

All of this is compiled with me going though a job search and financial insecurity right now.

Alright, keep it coming <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Thank you!

I'd ask him to get involved with and stay involved with The Mankind Project. www.mkp.org If he is open and honest in that program, you could be on your way to a wonderful life with this man. This program helped my H to become a man of integrity.

I'd also recommend that you both consider taking an Enneagram personality assessment class together. This would help you to see what makes you each "tick" and would give you some insight into whether or not you want to spend your lives together.

If you don't do a lot of soul-searching about understanding yourself, you will most likely find out that the guy you are "falling in love with" has many of the same issues as this guy. They are just hidden. A good book for understanding this might be Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. It explains how you will seek out the same type of person to live out your life with every time until you figure out what it is you are looking for and why.

Hope it all works out!

Stillwed

We got together about 2 months after his separation, the divorce took another 1.5 years.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />


allow me to translate this into English....

"I felt like screwing around and did not care if you did not like it and I did not care if either of us contracted an incurable disease. Will you marry me? "

I can't vote because I can't figure out which one means stay and which one means go.

I say walk, don't run. He left his wife pregnant for crying out loud!!! Affairs with protitutes?


Go with your gut, girl! You're only 30 and you have met a new guy who might have much greater potential (can't be much worse that Mr. Lefthiswifepregnant).

As WhoMe said, Going, going, gone!

Did you know him in any way before you "got together" ???

Cantdecide...

You are 30 and never married, so you probably think that your clock is ticking louder each day.

Stop listening to that darn clock for a few minutes and look at the man you are considering.

Do you want someone who just might leave you when you are pregnant?

The talk of "taming him" is so disrespectful, maybe you are the problem here.

Think of these past five years as a great learning experience, and use what you learned as you move on to a more healthy relationship with a man who understands the value of comittment and has a demonstrated capacity to learn from mistakes.

T

"Graycloud:
He left his pregnant wife in 2000, we met in 2001. He got his divorce finalized in 2002. Prostitutes 2003. Affair 2005."

If you were involved with him on anything more than a friendly basis, like dating with or without sex, then he was cheating with you until his DV was finalized. The prostitutes in 2003 were affairs, like one-night-stands (ONS). The 2005 affair was so recent that I think you'd need 2 see at least a year of consistent adherence 2 concepts like radical honesty, and certainly exclusivity, before you could believe these "changes" will take.

Of course, at the same time, if you wish 2 try again with him, you'll have 2 end your relationship with your BF (no contact whatsoever) 2 show you mean 2 be faithful yourself.

All told, it just seems 2 big an investment 2 me. Again, if it WERE me (it isn't), I wouldn't entertain another "try" at this relationship. I'm trying 2 recover from my W's long-term affair (over 12 years). We've been married 30 years now, and I KNOW that I won't "try" again if there's another affair.

-ol' 2long

2011:

Married 5 years
One child, age 3
Pregnant with second child
Husband had affair and/or hit you and/or gave you a STD from going to a prostitute
You file for divorce
Child support is less than standard because your STBX has to support two other children from his first marriage

You are 36 years old.

Look at that curren XW of his. That is likely to be you in just a few years.

Sounds wonderful, doesn't it?

Cherished

Yeah, I know. It was a big issue that he was still gettting his divorce from his then pregnant wife. We even took a break for the divorce to be finalized.

He didn't leave her for me if that's what you guys are trying to find out.

It was horrible what he did and it took me years to forgive him. Especially that she's one of those obnoxious and abusive exes. Who wouldn't, of course, in her position.

I don't know, some part of me always seems to succumb to him. I feel i've made so many compromises in that relationship, that I almost lost myself. I mean, he was so persistent when I was saying it is against my values to date a separated guy. And yet, you know, I liked him, there was this sweeeping desire to be him.

Keeping it coming, guys!
Thanks for the suggestions on books, webpages , etc. I am writing them down.