Can't seem to figure out what my gut feelings are.

After the discovery of the infidelity, i've had trouble trusting my intuition about anything. I mean, I thought we are getting married and everything but instead he leaves me and then tells me the last 3 years he was cheating.

So, can't trust those intutional feelings.

My get sometimes tells me "Oh, just get him the f*** out of my life" and sometimes "Only we know how good we had it, he is so changed in the last couple of months, i want to be sure that I won't regret leaving him".

So my gut feelings are not very helpful right now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

"I don't know, some part of me always seems to succumb to him. I feel i've made so many compromises in that relationship, that I almost lost myself. I mean, he was so persistent when I was saying it is against my values to date a separated guy. And yet, you know, I liked him, there was this sweeeping desire to be him."

Great. He has charisma. Big deal. The roofer who set fire 2 our house 4 years ago has charisma (but he's also a liar and a fool).

Lots of people are likeable, or put on a pleasant front as a means of getting what they think they want.

Forgive him, fine. But you don't have 2 marry him 2 do that.

-ol' 2long

CHerished, the 2011 scenario helps.
I know, that is a risk of us getting back together. Of course, another scenario for 2011 is:
Me: 36, single wiht no good candidates for marriage
Relationships: 10
Break-ups: 10

I know, i know, these are insecurities that I need to just put aside right now. There is a chance that I will meet a better man with just as much competibility but also with no commitment issues and poor-risk-taker behavior.

Also: He lived with you for 3 years without ac2ally asking you 2 marry him. Why should you believe he isn't going 2 do the same thing again?

-ol' 2long
P.S. RUN!

This is one for professional counselling but since I DID stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night I'll have a go at it:

Um...He's wrong.
You're wrong.

This was wrong from the start. It's finishing all wrong.

I can't find the right stuff here. This just sounds like bad decision making on both parts from the start to the finish.


How is this NOT an affair? How is YOUR fog painting the truth of the relationship. How much history is being rewritten? Maybe none of it. I don't know but I just don't think that CHAOS + CHAOS / CHAOS = ANYTHING BUT CHAOS

Pepperband's translation is right on the money. Did you ever get checked for STD's, btw?

Here are a few points:

A. For a man to leave a pregnant wife takes a particular brand of callousness that is truly phenomenal. Most men would shun him if they knew that about him.

B. A man who lives with a woman for 2 years, after 2 prior years of some kind of relationship, and still can’t make a commitment to her…well, that’s unacceptable, in my books. He was holding out the carrot of marriage, probably without any intention of following through.

C. He started seeing hookers (apparently) just before you moved in together. His excuses for having sex with them sounds like psychobabble to me…well practiced, but still psychobabble. When you have insecurities, you go for long walks, you stare blankly at a wall, and you eat too much. You don’t get in your car, drive down into the seedy side of town, and go looking for skanky women late at night.

D. A premeditated affair, and perhaps you need to explain that further, requires something cold, calculating, and heartless in his character. Does that describe someone a woman should commit the rest of her life to?

E. He dropped you when he decided he didn’t want you anymore, for whatever reason he might have had. You were just a girlfriend and he found another one he thought he liked better. He’s come back, but you can’t possibly trust him to be telling the truth about why he returned.

F. You apparently moved on and found a new guy pretty quickly. Congratulations. What was your sub-conscious trying to tell you? You were able to enter into a new relationship very quickly. I’m going to assume this isn’t a “rebound” thing.

G. If you spend two more months figuring out whether the WBF is what you want, the new “sexy” guy is going to go somewhere else. You’re asking if the devil you know isn’t better than the chance at something new and excitingly fresh.

I won’t tell you my opinion. What you’re going through is an intensely personal process. I’d just say you need to weigh all of the pros and cons, get advice from trusted individuals who know the two of you, and make a very sober, considered decision.

Last week he even gave me a ring after I had told him we need to just end all communication.

So basically, his story is "I had transitional anxiety, I am over it. It will never happen again. I am ready and I think you are the love of my life"

My feelings: The ring didn't stir a thing in me. It was like a stranger talking to me, crying to accept him back.

There are currently no feelings on my part except that I care for him at some level. He believes we can rebuild the love and probably we can be happy but i'll be resentful for at least another couple of years.

Don't you deserve a better relationship than with a man who is this squirrley?

Of course there aren't. You're involved with someone else. You've used his behavior as an excuse to participate in the same type of behavior. You're in a fog too. You are a WS. You BOTH are WS's. He's willing to work on it and has put in at least some effort. You have had enough and are looking for justification to leave in time to hold on to "Mr. Right". I'm not buying it.

If you want "out" then there are appropriate ways to do it and what you're doing isn't one of them.

Can you get him to come post here also? It might be good for him too.

BTW - I DID forget to be polite and I apologize - WELCOME to MB. I'm glad you're here.

Flukeboy: good point. That it's just too much chaos, that went on for years. Nothing good has come out of it yet. Why should it come out now if we get back together or get married?

That's a good point, Longhorn. Thank you for the long message, all points right on the money.


The premediatated affair included him posting a profile on date.com, finding a woman in Rio, and going there for two weeks. He did invite me to join , i couldn't get time off work. Was very uncomfortable that he is taking a vacation by himself but felt I dont' want to suffocate him and that i'll only lose him if i keep pulling him in.

I don't know yet. I need to figure out the situation with my ex separately.

Thanks, flukeboy.

Yes, I am in a fog. And me getting involved with somebody else before I have totally closed the chapter with my wayward ex only complicated things.

In my defense, we were over. I was clear there was no chance for us, except in a year or so if I am over it and he's available, we can go for a cup of coffee.

I don't understand -- what are you not buying?
I am in a new relationship, i don't know what will come out of it. My wayward ex's persistence and remorse constantly makes me doubt my choice that i've moved on and perhaps our relationship is salvageable.

I know, i am a mess.

Transitional Anxiety? Tell your WH the next time you speak to him that I absolutely love that saying. Tell him that I am gonna coin that phrase as my own if he doesn't patent it.

Tranistional Anxiety......Shytt..I have transitional anxiety all of the time....especially when I have to use a public toilet.

I must say to "Cant decide"....you are a pretty adept newcomer, you figured out this quote response thingy after one post and yet I after 2400 posts don't have it down yet.

Bravo to you

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I know, if he just repeats it one more time, i'll jump on his throat. It doesn't make it ok regardless of the reason.
Yeah, the quote is kinda easy: <when you type use no spaces>
[ quote ] whatever [ \ quote ]

FYI

any sentence that begins "in my defense" is automatically disqualified

LOL

Maybe CantDecide can't decide because she always has a boyfriend. Ever considered spending a year on your own?

GC

Can't,

I think you are looking at this from the wrong end of the telescope here. You said
This shows me that you are NOT in love with your ex, and further you are ambivalent. You are not married, you are NOT engaged, and you are not committed to him. Therefore, it really makes little difference what he has or has not done and given that you started dating and enjoy the other fellow and may be falling in love with him, it shows me you are NOT in any position to entertain getting married or back together with ex.

This is NOT about the ex, it is about you, and from what you have said...move on with your current boy friend and don't bother with the past one.

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks, graycloud, for the response.

That what some of my friends have been suggesting. This advice always seems to come from people who are happily married and who have never spent a year on their own. Before my last relationship, I was on my own for 6 months and before that for 2 years. Dating sometimes helps you figure out what works for you and what doesn't. And sometimes just totally swallows you so...

JL, thank you for your response.
That helps. I do not have strong feelings and since we never made the commitment why should i go through the pain of reconciliation only to risk having my heart broken again.

Hi everyone,

Since I am currently in a different relationship but am still ambivalent about being with my wayward ex, people have pointed out that we are both wayward partners.

I am willing to accept it. Doesn't sit right in my stomach of course because I felt so wronged after discovering that what I thought were 5 years of the love of my life, it was 3 years of at least 7 infidelities (he still can't "remember" how many prostitutes there were).

You are right, I need to apologize that I got so involved with another guy when my ex was asking me to get back together and when I told him that there is a chance for us. We even were going to couples' counseling while I let things get out of hand with this guy i met after my ex broke up with me and before he asked back for me. My ex knew about this.

I invited my ex to join this discussion

People have overwhelmingly advised me to move on b/
-we are not committed in a marriage and he is obviously not good marriage material
-i no longer have feelings towards him and am in another relationship


Again, for people catching up, the chronology of events are:

2000 - him leaving his pregnant wife
2001 - we met and started a relationship
2002 - he got his divorce finalized
3-6/2003 - he 6-7 prostitutes [fuzzy on the dates]
7/2003 - we move in together
8/2005 - he premeditated affair, both physical and emotional
9/2005 - he broke up with me
10/2005 - Discovery date: he confessed and asked to reconcile
10/2005 - I started dating another guy
now -- we went to counciling together, I am still with the other man, he proposed marriage and wants me back, promissed complete turn around, me -- hardly any feelings.

Let's see if my ex will post.

Think this through...what will happen when YOU get pregnant? Will he get TA again? What if he switches jobs or you move, will he get TA again?

Oh, puhleeze...

You know the answer, you want someone to help you make the decision? Or someone to talk you out of it?